by: Essy Jane
Welcome to Hazzard County y’all. I’m sure you’re wondering what today holds but I have said it once and I’ll say it again—Hazzard is a funny place. You never know what could happen and how long it will take to stir up. Take these vicious characters sitting by Hazzard Creek. Now they look like just everyday fishermen.
Don’t be fooled though. Remember y’all, this is Hazzard County after all. That there sitting with the boys is the one and only Dewey Hogg. Now Dewey Hogg is about as welcomed in Hazzard County as an outhouse breeze.
As you can remember, Dewey Hogg gave Bo and Luke a run for their money last time. Now that it’s Bo and no Luke, I just wonder how long it will take them to notice. Especially since Dewey doesn’t look like he’s making his move.
Yep Dewey was fishing alright—fishing for trouble. I knew that look. He seemed to feel that there wasn’t a trouble in the world. This usually meant that he was cookin’ up something on the whole that will be full of trouble.
“Why are you back in Hazzard?” One of Dewey’s henchmen asked. Dewey sighed as he put the back of his head on his left arm.
“For good reasons George. Think about it. Rosco Coltrane is about as smart as a doorknob. Then again, a doorknob could just be smarter,” Dewey replied. He leaned back on the shadowy bottle green grass now in good spirits. Now you know that smile doesn’t mean he’s excited about the Easter bunny.
“Do you think we can get away with it?”
“Please, I’m a Hogg. The only thing we love more than money is scheming in regards to getting more money.” Now friends, you know that he’s right.
“You’re right Boss.” George laughed without hesitation. “I think with your brains we can really do this thing.”
“But of course.” This Hogg is up to no good. I just know somehow the Dukes are goanna get
Well, meanwhile, there was something happening at the Duke farm. Nancy-Lou had been working out hard for a marathon she wanted to run for the children’s center over in Chickabe County. Now Nancy-Lou was quite the runner. Bo didn’t want her to enter the race in the first place.
Though in recent times, he didn’t even try to tell Nancy-Lou off. Nancy was moodier than a hound dog with fleas. Ah, don’t tell her I told you that. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen don’t mess with any critter whose moods are like that. “Hey hun,” Bo carelessly said, going to kiss his wife. Nancy pulled away. “What the heck did I do?”
“Oh do I have to explain not wanting to be kissed when I’m all sweaty?” Nancy-Lou began.
“No but I would…”
“It’s always about you, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t say…”
“Bo, I’m sick and tired of you trying to stop me from working out.” Bo crocked an eyebrow. “What is wrong with you now?” Bo shrugged as he looked down at his feet. Nancy-Lou tapped her foot slowly, waiting for a response. Now didn’t I tell you she was in a bad mood?
“Nothing.” Nancy began to cry. Bo looked more or less mortified at the sight of this. “Oh sweet heart, don’t cry. I hate to see you cry. Whatever I did I’m sorry.”
“Why was I so lucky? I mean how did I get you?” Bo began to laugh. As he did, Nancy-Lou began to laugh and cry at the same time. “I’m crazy aren’t I?”
“You ain’t anything. You are magnificent.”
“No, I’m crazy. I can’t help it you know.”
“I know that, you’re a Davenport, they’re made that way.” Nancy-Lou placed her hands on her hips.
“So you think I’m crazy AND my whole family’s crazy?” Nancy-Lou broke down, continuing to cry. All Bo could do was laugh. “What is so funny?
“I love you. I love your crazy family. I love everything about you. Can you believe I love you when you’re crazy too.” Nancy-Lou began to cry even harder. “Oh hun, don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry. I just…well, I love you a lot.”
“Look, I think you’ve had a long day. You’ve just been super tired and you haven’t been feeling well. Maybe you should see the doc. He’ll know how to patch you up.” Nancy-Lou kissed her husband.
“You’re so patient with me.”
“Sometimes I am, Nancy-Lou.” Nancy stared deep into Bo’s eyes. She began to play with his curly locks. Nancy-Lou smiled.
“How could I ever get along without you?” Bo shrugged gently. A grin rolled across his face. Nancy-Lou kissed her husband kindheartedly.
They looked into each other’s eyes as they continued to kiss. Unexpectedly, Bo’s left eye twitched. Now y’all, a woman knows when something’s going on with her husband and believe you me, something was going on.
“What is it?” Nancy-Lou questioned, her face now full of concern.
“My big toe is hurting.” Nancy-Lou shook her head. She sighed to herself. Bo nodded his head peacefully. “You know what that means.”
“Trouble and lots of it for Hazzard County; that’s what.”
“I should take you to the doctor though.”
“Bo, something’s cooking in Hazzard County, if your toe is telling you so then you know that you have to scoot. If you don’t the whole place could be in shambles.”
“I’m sure Hazzard can live without the Dukes for one day.”
“Are you kidding me? You remember what happened last time? Look, I’ll be fine. Why don’t you go into town? I’ll take the pickup and talk to the doctor about some blood tests or whatever he can to find out why I have been throwing up so much.”
“Are you sure? I mean I could go out with you.” Nancy-Lou shook her head. She stared at Bo for a minute and then smiled. Now you can see the love on their faces. Nancy will always love Bo a lot won’t she?
“Yes, I’m very sure.” Bo kissed Nancy-Lou. Now ain’t that nice? Even when Nancy-Lou is crazy and Hazzard County is in trouble, there is still time for love. Y’all hold onto your seats, bathroom time ain’t recommended at this part of the show.
Now Bo of course went to see BB Davenport. Now if anyone is going to know what happens in Hazzard County it would be your local mechanic. You think he’s just working on cars? Heck no. When a gal wants gossip she goes to a beauty parlor. If folks want true hardcore facts they see their local mechanic.
BB Davenport sees and hears more than ol Cletus does any day. And why? Well people trust him of course. BB is one of the best. However, when you go to see BB it is to do with the garage.
Of course Bo didn’t want to seem like he was just asking BB for the low down. So what does he do? What any warm hearted country boy would do. “Hey BB. I was wondering if you have any rims for sale. General needs to look fighting fresh for when he rides.” BB Shifts his eyes. Now folks, a Davenport know when a Duke wants something more than what he’s asking for.
“Well, I do always carry enough rims to fit an army of Generals. Y’all go through more tires than a factory,” BB replied.
“Awesome.” Bo went silent for a moment. Trying to think of more to say. Now you know Bo is really curious. “If I left the General with you, could you fit him some new ones?”
“Does a duck have feathers?”
“Awesome.” Bo rolls his foot in the soiled oil lying on the floor. Yep, you can see it in his eyes. Ol BB knows Bo ain’t gonna come right out with it. Heck, when ol Uncle Jesse, God rest’em, was around he had the same trouble.
“Well, now that you mention it, you haven’t heard of any disturbances happening in Hazzard County have you?”
“Disturbances no—however, I did hear a name I haven’t heard in a dog’s age.”
“Dewey Hogg.” Uh huh, you could see the shiver going up and down Bo’s spine. It ain’t because he was cold neither. Now he knew that if Dewey was in town to see ol Boss Rosco it wouldn’t be for the pleasure of his company.
“Oh great, him again.”
“Well, I knew you would be very tickled to see him again.”
“Very funny BB.” Bo knew as well as I did that when Dewey Hogg starts a knockin’ there is trouble waiting by his feet. Mama always did say never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. Believe me folks, Dewey was far from a teddy.
“What do you think he’s up to?”
“Who knows? What I do know is it ain’t no good.”
“True enough. Whelp, I better work on the ol’ General Lee. You can borrow the blue car if you need it. You know, just while you’re gone.”
“Thanks BB, you’re a real pal.”
“You’re welcome, keep between the ditches.” Bo got in the blue sedan that Cooter had left BB when he moved. Now old Coot was working on being the best dang senator these here US of A states had ever seen. Y’all know that Cooter left Hazzard cars in the best of hands, right?
I bet y’all are wondering what’s up with Nancy-Lou. Well sir, Doc Applebee was just announcing it to her. Hold onto your britches y’all. Now Nancy-Lou thought she was gonna die. After throwing up for a while a person would suspect that. She was shaking thinking of every possibility it could be…well, except maybe one.
“Nancy-Lou, you’re pregnant,” Doc told her. Nancy-Lou swallowed hard.
“This can’t be. I can’t be pregnant,” Nancy-Lou commented.
“Kido, you’re about three months pregnant I think. You’re ripe as can be. I have delivered many babies. I have seen many pregnant ladies. I just know.” Nancy-Lou shook her head. This was impossible.
“We don’t have time for children.”
“Sorry, you have no choice. Now Nancy-Lou, I was wondering if you wanted an ultrasound while you were here. We got one of them new fangled machines and wanted to try it out on ya.”
“I would love it.”
Now wouldn’t you know it, a first in Hazzard. We’ll get back to Nancy-Lou in a minute. Right now, Bo Duke was about to get himself into a mess that only a Duke would know how to get into.
Imagine the usual. Bo is driving down a long stretch of dirt road, heading back for the Duke farm. Y’all remember our fishermen? Well ol Dewey is heading down the road, straight for Bo Duke. Now you know this ain’t goanna end well.
Dewey sees the General and smiles. He begins to rub his hands together. Now y’all remember the look in his eye. That don’t mean he wants to wave and act all friendly like. Oh no, that is a typical Hogg look.
“Well just run him off the road, George,” Dewey announced.
“Boss, you know as well as I do that you shouldn’t tick off a Duke,” George replied. Well, a man with some sense. I wonder if ol Dewey’s goanna listen to that.
“Do as I said.” Uh huh, ain’t too bright is he? I guess we’ll see how ol Bo reacts to this one. What’s Dewey cooking up?
“Whatever you say Boss.” George sped up and played a little chicken with Bo. Bo swerved out of the way, hitting a tree. From the other car, George and Dewey were laughing. Now Bo doesn’t like to be messed with. Y’all know that. You know we haven’t seen the last of his battle.
Now Bo Duke was madder than a flea who’d been taken off a dog. One because he messed up BB’s car and two because he lost control. Like ol George said, you never mess with a Duke.
Dewey wasn’t dumb neither; he knew this fact. Ol’ Dewey wanted to tick off Bo. Get a Duke mad enough and he does some announcing for you. After a couple of hours of waiting BB Davenport had already picked up fuming Bo.
“Can you believe that idiot? I should skin him alive,” Bo grumbled.
“You can’t,” BB replied. Bo crossed his arms glaring at his friend. You know that look don’t ya?
“And why not? Have you developed some sort of friendship with him?”
“The only friendship I would have with a Hogg like him is the one where I turn him in to the law.” Bo smiled however, his face turned back to anger.
“Then why don’t you want me to skin him?”
“Not in your nature, Bo.” Bo laughed. Now when BB Davenport was right, he was right. Bo was too much like a kitten. Sure he would rumble with a man but really attack him? No sir, not in him.
“BB, we have to warn the lawmen.”
“Bo Duke, you are right. They have rights to know that ol’ Dewey Hogg is in town.” Now you see what I mean? Dewey wanted ol’ Rosco to know about him. He wanted Rosco to come up with a Rosco like plan. Y’all following me?
Rosco knew as well as anyone that ol Dewey was nothing but trouble. He of course sent his deputy, Cletus Hogg and his Sheriff Enos Strate out to get them. Just to be safe, Rosco put three guards on the bank and closed up for the day. Now you know that can’t be good don’t ya, folks?
Back to Nancy-Lou who was having her ultrasound without Bo. “Oh my, what a cute little…what in the world?” Doc Applebee began.
“What is it?” Nancy-Lou questioned.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Is there something wrong with the baby?”
“It seems to be growing some extra limbs. The heart beat is funny too.” Nancy-Lou’s eyes widened.
“So my baby is…”
“Nancy-Lou, no, your baby is fine or should I say babies.”
“You are pregnant with twins.” Nancy-Lou shakes her head. “Nancy, congratulations, this must be a real blessing for you.”
“No, you’re full of it. You’re wrong. I am not having twins. Do the ultrasound again.”
“Nancy-Lou Duke, I can do it over and over and I will still have the same results.”
“I can’t be pregnant now with twins, that’s impossible.” Nancy-Lou growls, staring at Doc Applebee evilly. “You’re a jerk Applebee. You deliver this kind of news at a time like this?”
“Nancy-Lou, you came to me.”
“I tell you what, if you pretend like this didn’t happen I’ll…”
“Nancy-Lou, you’re pregnant. There is no bargaining, no denying. You’re just gonna have to except it.”
“Alright, so what does this mean then? I mean I am having twins. I can’t deal with twins. Bo is always saving Hazzard.”
“He was raised here when Jesse was doing the same thing. It will be fine.” Nancy-Lou shakes her head. “What is it?”
“I don’t think I can deal with twins.” Nancy-Lou pushes her hair back and sighs.
“You can and you will.” Nancy begins to shake her head. Doc Applebee put his hands on her shoulders. “You can Nancy-Lou. You’ve taken on many a criminal. This is a challenge, a new challenge.”
“What will Bo say?”
“He’ll be thrilled. Don’t forget to tell him okay?”
“Oh believe me, I won’t.”
“I’ll let you get dressed now.”
“Thanks Doc Applebee.” Nancy-Lou walked out of the Doctor’s office only to find Bo leaning on the pickup.
“Hey beautiful, how did it go?” Bo questioned. Nancy-Lou looked around the street.
“Where’s the General Lee?”
“Getting new rims.”
“Bo I gotta…”
“I got into another accident thanks to Dewey Hogg.”
“What’s he doing back in town?”
“I don’t know but it can’t be any good. Rosco was nervous and closed the bank.”
“What about the Boar’s Nest? Doesn’t he have some of his treasures hidden there? You know, the ones left by Boss for him?”
“Oh man, I never thought about that. We got to get out there and stop Dewey.” Nancy-Lou snapped her fingers.
“Honey, there might be one more thing. Do you remember the diamond ring convention is coming to town—at the Boar’s Nest? Destiny wanted a new ring and Rosco’s goanna get it for her.”
“Yeah this is going to be huge.”
“Honey, I’m sorry, I cut you off earlier. What were you going to say? You know, it started out with Bo I gotta…”
“Oh never mind, we have more important things to deal with right now.” Uh huh, Nancy-Lou knew if she told Bo about the baby she wouldn’t be coming, Essy would be. Now Nancy-Lou ain’t one to stay home when an adventure is afoot.
This could be interesting. Now Rosco was guarding the Guards. It was kind of interesting. You know, he doesn’t trust anybody. “Alright you guards know that you should be guarding with pride. Stand up straight…Khee. That looks about right,” Rosco commented with pride.
They began to listen to his command. Now y’all, these were once Boss Hogg’s guards. Belonging to Rosco felt almost like a demotion. Boss Rosco was just as nasty as Boss Hogg but with a twist. Every lunch break came out of their pay. Uh huh, got to love capitalism.
Anyway, the Dukes were onto something when they thought of the Boar’s Nest. After Boss Hogg left, Rosco wanted to do everything bigger. You know how he is, I mean just look how he dresses.
The vault was the size of a large walk in closet, a luxury for most folks. Boss Rosco was sure that they would never know the password to ol Boss Rosco’s safe. However, everyone forgets that Rosco is in love with his old hound dog.
That is everyone except for Dewey Hogg. Old Flash had a number tagged on his ear 2321-34. Uh huh, the three number combination on a safe. “George this is easier than taking candy from a baby,” Dewey commented.
“Boss, in broad daylight, I mean ain’t this a little risky?” George questioned.
“This is one thing I know. Enos and Cletus are circling the neighborhood ol Boss is guarding his guards. This plan couldn’t have been more perfect if I planned it. Oh wait, I did,” Dewey replied.
“I still think it is too good to be true.”
“What could possibly go wrong?” At that moment, a board on top of the Boar’s nest split and down came Bo Duke. Dewey shook his head. “I just had to ask.”
“Okay Dewey, give up the act,” Bo exclaimed. George pulled out a gun. “Or not.”
“You think I didn’t expect you Dukes to come pussyfooting around? I know y’all a little better than that. No Nancy-Lou?”
“She’s sick.” Now Bo wasn’t lyin’ Nancy-Lou was throwing up in the bushes. Yep, pregnant women want to be helpful but their bodies show them no mercy.
“Happens even to the best of us.” Bo shakes his head. Bo is taken out with a gun to his head, naturally Nancy-Lou has just finished being sick. She growls when she sees Bo with a gun to his head. However, she knows that if she does anything her man will die.
Now ain’t that horrible? Nancy-Lou has to sit and watch while baddies take away her husband. Not to mention she hasn’t told him the good news yet. Uh huh, ain’t that interesting?
Nancy-Lou wanted to follow them but as you well know the General sticks out like a sore thumb. Ol Bo wasn’t too thrilled when they started shooting at his woman. It wasn’t long before Nancy-Lou had a flat tire and the man with the gun had a black eye.
You can probably guess Bo was knocked out with the head of the gun after that stunt. Nancy-Lou is pretty fast at changing a tire but she knew she couldn’t take them on again by herself. Essy was in the post office working hard. That was her first choice.
Judd was still teaching school. He was her second choice. BB would be a good choice if he wasn’t out at ol Smoot’s place dragging his van out of a mud pit.
Now you can imagine Nancy-Lou tried to race to the police station to tell ol Rosco. As she was on her way Cletus was right behind her with the sirens on. “Oh Cletus,” Nancy-Lou grumbles to herself, “I am not in the mood for you and your shenanigans.”
Nancy-Lou was trying to maneuver away from him but for some reason Cletus was keen on catching up to her and arresting her that day. Nancy-Lou wasn’t in a crying mood nor was she in a happy mood. No sir her head was hotter than a honeymooning couple in a hotel.
“Cletus, you think for five minutes you’re wasting my time, think again! I ain’t even goanna go at it with you today,” Nancy-Lou growled.
“Boss Rosco wants to arrest you for stealing his money from his safe and the diamonds for his show for Destiny,” Cletus told her.
“Cletus, you think that I would steal anything?” Cletus shakes his head. Nancy-Lou begins to cry.
“What is it darlin’?”
“My husband has crooks left and right of him and you don’t even care. Probably sympathizing with ol’ Dewey ‘cause y’all are related.”
“The only thing my kin and I have in common is our name. I would never let Bo get hurt.” Nancy-Lou began crying harder. “Oh don’t cry Nancy-Lou.” Cletus gave her his hanky. She wiped her eyes, blowing her nose in it. Nancy handed it back to Cletus. Now do y’all see that look on Cletus’ face? Uh huh, he seems to be mortified.
“Cletus, everyone’s busy. The closest not-so busy Duke is in New York and he’s a baby. Who is goanna save my husband?”
“We’ll think of something.”
“But you wanna arrest me.” Nancy-Lou began crying again.
“No I don’t…besides, if you prove to me you are innocent, I don’t have to arrest ya.” Now y’all I knew Cletus had to have some of the Hogg brains.
Now I guess you wanna know what’s happening with Bo. Dewey Hogg is no dummy…then again, y’all know that. You can only imagine how Bo Duke was feeling. He’s chained to a wall like a cellar during a tornado.
“You Dukes never know when to leave things alone do ya?” Dewey commented.
“You Hoggs never know how to keep the greed on a leash either,” Bo growled back. Dewey shook his head. He stared Bo in the face and began laughing. Now y’all know how much a Hogg loves money, picture ol Duck Tales and Uncle Scrooge swimming in his money. Hoggs wouldn’t get a swimming pool, heck they would get a pool, hot tub and car lined with money if they could.
“Who died and made you a cop? Hazzard has a police force. You Dukes should take a lesson and let them handle it.”
“See the jewels land in your hands? Not ever. Nancy-Lou is goanna come after you and then…”
“Oh I am shaking,” Dewey said, his speech dripping with sarcasm. Now come on y’all, don’t you wanna see Bo bust him right now? Now if you were looking behind Bo’s back, you could see him take a pin out of his wallet…kept there in case of emergencies.
“Hey, she’s a Davenport by blood.”
“So she’s goanna fix my car?” All the other men laugh at Dewey’s joke. Dewey gave them all the cut off signal. “Face it Bo, she ain’t no blood hound.” Bo growls.
“You’ll get yours and then you will wish you NEVER messed with my girl or me.” Yep, you never wanna mess with a Duke or their kin.
“You know what Bo? I have been taking on your family for years.”
“And we have beaten you everytime.”
“You don’t have Luke, you don’t have Daisy anymore and you don’t have the old man either.”
“Don’t talk about my Uncle Jesse, you have no right.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it. Jesse was the second best thing Hazzard produced. The first was my Uncle Boss.” Bo rolled his eyes. Now I am sure you don’t wanna see Dewey play with the veins in ol Bo’s head.
Let’s go back and see what’s up with the General Lee and the occupants. After all you think Nancy-Lou would take a police car? Not on your life. You think General Lee stuck out? Now add the police to the situation.
Now Nancy-Lou had made it pretty far down the road, following the tracks. Cletus was driving and she was sitting up on the hood. They went at this for a little while, finding a hide out…abandoned as well as the car they had been following. However, Nancy-Lou could see Bo’s wallet which he conveniently dropped so Nancy could find it.
“Well he’s alive at least,” Cletus said with a smile as Nancy-Lou went through Bo’s wallet. Nancy-Lou whacked Cletus with Bo’s wallet six times. “OW! What did I do?”
“YOU AREN’T RESPECTING MY HUSBAND!” Now friends, Nancy-Lou wouldn’t do this normally. She’s quite sweet. However, don’t mess with a pregnant Duke looking for her husband.
“Man, I’m glad Bo married you. I had a crush on you.” Nancy-Lou’s eyes began to weld up.
“You had a crush on me?” She began to cry. “Never mind that, we need to find Bo. With the way their heading…according to these…slightly deeper tracks, their heading south.”
“There are two roads that are south. How are we goanna know which one Bo is on?”
“My Bo will signal us somehow.” As Nancy-Lou got behind the wheel, you could see the fire in her eyes. Poor Cletus, he never knew what was coming. She was driving like a maniac by now.
“Now how are you going to see a sign driving like that?” Suddenly Nancy-Lou slammed on her breaks. She got out of the car quickly. “I had to ask.”
“Come on Cletus!” Nancy-Lou picked up a small ring off of the ground. “I’m goanna hit him!”
“How did you see that?” Nancy-Lou smiled.
“It was easy…I knew what to look for.” Nancy-Lou walked back to the General and climbed in. She started it. “Besides, it was glimmering.” You can see how close Nancy-Lou is to catching these boys. You see that big van up there? All the jewels and everything was in that there vehicle. Bo was in there too.
By now Dewy was so sick of Bo’s troublesome nature. Bo had a red mark on his face to prove it. “I can’t believe you got out of those chains. You made me think you were still bound! Throwing hints out the window for wifey to see!” Dewey exclaimed.
Now the sound of the blazing horn arrived in the background. Man, I love that ol Dixie horn. “You’re driving Cletus,” Nancy-Lou’s voice echoed from the General Lee.
“No you’re driving,” Cletus commented.
“You are absolutely wrong! You are driving.” Nancy-Lou pulled herself out from the window. She crawled on the hood of the General Lee and grabbed onto the top of the van.
Now friends, if Bo knew she was pregnant, he would have been so angry at this point. Nancy-Lou climbed on the top. In the van, people were getting anxious.
“Get her off!” Dewy screamed. The guy started winding the van to and fro. Bo slid himself over to the hatch on the van, opening it. He got a gun pointed at his face. “Sit down.”
“Whatever you say,” Bo replied. He pushed the jewels out the door with his bottom.
“NO!” Meanwhile, Nancy had put her legs in front of the man driving the truck. They pulled over. With all the jewels in custody, as Cletus was cuffing people, Dewy managed to get away in the van. Now they found the van but no Dewy.
Cletus got reward money for finding the jewels, Rosco got late fees for not returning the rings. Uh huh, ain’t that justice? Now the best part is now at hand.
Nancy-Lou is about to tell Bo the news. “Bo, I have something to tell you, the Doctor told me what it is. I mean what has been making me so crazy,” Nancy-Lou began. Bo buried his hands in his face.
“Essy-Jane told me it might be this. She told me you might be going through early stages of the changes of life,” Bo replied. Now ain’t that a kicker? Essy-Jane thinks its menopause.
“You’re not dying are you? I mean you don’t have cancer…please don’t tell me you’re dying. I just don’t think I could take it.”
“Bo I’m pregnant with twins.”
“You’re taking it really well.”
“I’m goanna be a daddy?”
“Oh.” 3…2…1 and Bo has landed face first on the floor. That’s the way we handle pregnancy in Hazzard County. Come back soon y’hear?