Boss Hogg’s Nightmare

by: Essy Jane

Lulu’s face was redder than anyone had ever seen it. This time Boss had gone too far. Oh he had gone far before and Lulu didn’t like it. But this time she meant business. If didn’t look like old Boss was getting out of this one.

“You’re too hard on my baby brother you over sized bean bag!” Lulu screamed. She was sick of how Roscoe was being treated on the job but most of all she hated the wages he was given.

“Well Roscoe is a person that I wouldn’t pay full price for. I don’t see why we have to share the same bed again either. Is this because of Roscoe because if it is I will give him a dollar increase on his pay check,” JD replied. Lulu gave Boss a cold stare and looked at him with her deep eyes.

“Roscoe’s smarter than you think!”

“Roscoe is smart? That’s a laugh, the day Roscoe becomes a genus is the day that I grow new hair.”

“Don’t make bets with me you can’t keep!”

“Lulu, I know he ain’t smart.” Boss grabbed his pillow and began to fluff it.

“He is too smart. My Baby brother has a lot to offer this world and you know it.”

“He’s dumber than a popular tree. You can’t tell me otherwise. So, I can keep the bet.”

“He’ll surprise you one of these days JD and when that happens you won’t know what hit you!”

“Yeah, he’ll hit my car with his.”

“Good night JD.”

“Goodnight sugar pie.”

“Don’t call me that you over sized white butterball you.”

“Come on Lulu, don’t act like that.”

“You insulted my brother.”

“Well he’s easy to insult…I mean, I love you.”

“Don’t pull stuff like that on me.”

“Look, when Roscoe can manage to avoid catastrophe three days in a row, I will start to think of giving him a raise but until then, forget it.”


“Not only is he butter fingers Coltrane but he doesn’t know a good deal. Heck he wouldn’t know a good deal if it was on a billboard right in front of him.” Lulu shook her head.

“Trust me JD, he’s smart and he will surprise you.”

“Not in this life time.”

“You wanna make a bet?”

“No, you would loose and that wouldn’t be nice to do to my sweet plum pudding.”

“Don’t call me that either!”

“But cheese doodle…”

“Look JD, this conversation is over.” Boss growled as he rolled over. He suddenly rolled over once more.

“How about…”

“No!” Lulu rolled over and pulled the comforter closer. Boss fought with her from some blankets but finally won—he got a part of the sheet.

The thought rolled though JD’s mind for about a minute before he fell asleep. Roscoe just couldn’t have been thought as smart. There was no possible way. Every time he crashed a car—every time he didn’t get a plan.

Roscoe was the type of person who was expected to be stupid. The only reason Boss Hogg even gave that nickel head this job was to keep Lulu out of his hair. It was the way it was. He couldn’t change how Roscoe was.


The morning came mighty fast that day. Boss stretched his arms out and accidentally hit Lulu in the face. “You fat big oaf!” She spat at him. Boss rolled his eyes and got dressed as fast as he could. He had big business to take care of. Besides that sleeping with Lulu, the jet airplane snorer would rupture anyone’s mood.

The big deal was here. This time they were going to be the best of them. Boss was going to make sure that it would be the best. Boss Hogg knew two things really well, food and money. He was always in for a new way to make a little dough.

This new casino wouldn’t be found by the Dukes and Boss was going to make sure of it. All it would take was a little bit of country chasing and some good wits why it was going on. Boss Hogg always had an explanation for everything. It wasn’t about to stop now.

Now let’s head over to the Duke Boys who are being chased as we speak. Bo Duke was already being run down by Roscoe and Cletus was chasing Luke in a borrowed car from Cooter.

With Luke in a hurry Cletus would never be able to catch him. Luke had been working so hard and wasn’t about to get arrested. Cletus ended up in that big old willow tree as usual. He couldn’t get that jump right if his life depended on it. Luke was off the hook. He radioed for Cooter to go and get him.

Bo on the other hand couldn’t seem to shake Roscoe for the life of him. This was extremely unusual. There was something with Roscoe today. His driving seemed 200 times better than usual.

Bo couldn’t break him for anything. Luke and Bo Duke are two of the best drivers in all of Georgia. So when they can’t loose someone, it is too strange for words.

Every time he would gain a lead Roscoe would come up with some new trick. It was too weird even for Roscoe. “You are getting better all the time, but let’s see if you can take on the pond,” Bo mumbled to himself.

He floored it and made it across. Bo knew this would be easier than any other method of getting rid of Roscoe. The weird thing was…Roscoe had made it across. Was Bo loosing his touch or was Roscoe gaining some class?

Roscoe grabbed his gun and shot out the General’s tire. Bo got out of the General in awe. “Alright I know the drill. You’re going to cuff me and stuff me,” Bo commented.

“I have no time for any of the usual goofy things I do. Just get in the car and shut up!” Roscoe exclaimed. Now that was even worse.

“Roscoe, is there something wrong with you?”

“Why would anything be wrong with me? You know what is wrong with me? You Duke Boys sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.”


“That’s right I am sick of it.”

“Roscoe, all we do is help people and…”

“You know what? Stuff it Bo Duke. I almost have that little fat Hogg where I want him and no one is going to ruin it, not even you.”

“What are you talking about? Roscoe, maybe you should sit down and rest for a minute all of that driving must have been…”

“Easy? You know, I used to drive like that until—never mind, why am I even talking to you? It’s not part of the plan.”

“What plan?”

“Where there is a Bo, there is a Luke. You go missing and Luke will look for you.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Roscoe?”

“Don’t you get it? I am Roscoe. I am going to take you where you can’t help him.”

“What are you…?”

“Now you don’t really think that he will suspect me will he?” Bo’s eyes widen at the sound of Roscoe’s voice. He was still Roscoe but still he seemed different.

“What is going on Roscoe? What in the world are you talking about? What’s with this new act?”

“I want the money I was supposed to have. He took it all away from me thinking I was stupid all those years.”

“Are you talking about your pension or the cut of Boss’ profits?” Roscoe growled, staring right at Bo.

“I have told you too much. Now I will have to hide you in a place they will never look.”

“Yeah and where’s that Roscoe since you seem to be so much smarter.”

“You don’t get it do you?”

“No I don’t.”

“I am smart; he took away my good pay cheque and my dignity. How do you think I feel?”


“You wouldn’t understand. You’re just some country boy that gets through life with a smile.”

“What has gotten into you?”

“Shut up, just quit talking.” Bo didn’t know why Roscoe was being like this. He never let on anything about his feelings before. Now all of a sudden they seemed to be bursting out of the seams. It just didn’t make sense.

Roscoe took out the handcuffs and put one of his arms in it and the other on Bo. Roscoe put the General into neutral and pushed the car down the small hill.

“Where are we going?”

“You’re going somewhere where you can’t hurt me.”

“Why would I hurt you?”

“You boys never have told me. Now get in the car!” Bo did as he said. Roscoe closed the door as he got in.


There was a small cellar by an old sod house, one of the famous land marks of Hazzard. Roscoe lead Bo inside and took off the handcuff piece that was on his arm and attached it to a chain that had been attached to a big metal beam.

“Are you leaving me here?” Bo asked.

“There are plenty of preserves to keep you alive,” Roscoe replied. Bo shook his head. He didn’t want to stay down here, there was just no way that he could.

“How could you even think about doing this?” Bo sighed. “Look, we’ll talk to Boss together and we’ll…”

“Don’t you talk to me about talking to Boss Hogg. He doesn’t listen to anything but a gun and money.”


“Now, you be good, no one will hear you from down here you’re 6 feet under.”

“Roscoe, I can’t see you as the person that would do something like this. Tell me what is going on?”

“I already did. If you don’t believe that Bo Duke you have some serious problems yourself.”

“Stop this now!”

“Oh but it has just begun!”

“ROSCOE!” Roscoe giggled as he went up the stairs and locked the door from the outside. Bo ran to the stairs but was stopped by the chain. He growled wildly.

Bo couldn’t believe this, he knew Roscoe since he was little. The man had never acted like this. He may have been ruthless but never this cruel. What were his plans and what was going to happen? Bo asked these questions over and over.

Back at Boss’ house…

Lulu was yelling at Boss again as he stepped in the door for lunch. She was commenting on the things she touched base with last night. Lulu knew her husband. Boss Hogg never really gave things a second thought.

“You’re going to drive that man right to the asylum,” Lulu grumbled. Boss was using his usual ignore method with Lulu. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. But as she kept at it Boss finally cracked.

“Look woman, I have no time for these shenanigans. I have a County to run so if you will excuse me I will go do what I think is best,” Boss Hogg told her. Boss headed for the door but as he did Lulu stood in front of it.

“You demon, you mean shamanistic pig. You hold your horses. I warn you, your second refrigerator is on the verge of going out the door,” Lulu commented. Boss shuttered at the thought of Lulu’s food sitting by his pounds of good food as he called it.

“Okay, I will give him his public apology and I will increase his pay and I will do anything else you want me to do. Just don’t take away the steel giant.”

“That sounds better.”

“Look, maybe I was too harsh on Roscoe.”

“Yes you were.”

“Maybe I will increase his pay a smidgen.”

“Good.” Lulu sat down beside her husband as they began to talk.


Back at the Duke farm…

Luke walked in the door with a big smile on his face. As he saw his Uncle’s face Luke’s expression changed. Daisy was sitting at the table almost in a frozen position. She seemed to be in a stupor of deep thought.

“What’s wrong Uncle Jesse?” Luke asked as he sat down. With a look like that the young man knew that this could only be the worst news. Luke braced himself for the new information.

“The General Lee was crashed into a tree when we found him,” Uncle Jesse commented. Luke stood up thinking about Bo crashing and the two elements just didn’t come together. Bo was an amazing driver. Maybe he was run off the road.

“Why are we all standing here? Is Bo okay?” Uncle Jesse looked at him with concern. He didn’t know how to tell Luke such news like this. It burned within his heart to even think it.

“We don’t know anything about Bo yet.”

“What do you mean you don’t know about Bo?”

“We just don’t know anything about him.”

“What were you waiting for me to come home or something before you found out? How could y’all do this?” Uncle Jesse grabbed Luke by the shoulders. He looked him deep in the eye.

“Luke, they didn’t find Bo in the General. We don’t know what happened to him or what in the world could be going on.”

“The General was all burnt up?”

“No that’s the funny thing. We think he was kidnapped or something.” The phone rang and Daisy picked it up. After she said hello, Daisy listened for a while and hung up. She leaned against the wall sliding down slowly to the ground.

“That was Cooter, he says there is something you have to see,” Daisy mumbled. Luke and Uncle Jesse walked out to the rented car that Luke was driving before. The blue sedan was just sitting there waiting to be driven.

Meanwhile in the abounded cellar…

Bo was getting bored with sitting there doing nothing. To pass the time Bo began opening some of the preserves and trying to see how many he was going to catch with his mouth.

So far he managed six pickled eggs. That was a personal record for him. He usually could down three of them. They didn’t taste too bad though Bo didn’t like pickled eggs.

Bo accidentally hit a few of the jars over revealing some papers that seemed top secret. He reached for them curiously. He flipped through them carefully. As he turns through them loose cash falls out.

“So he got his money after all,” Bo whispered.

Bo counted through the bills, there was about nine thousand. How could have Roscoe have gotten so much money? He had to have known Boss Hogg’s combination. There was a knock on the doors as they were opened.

“Hope you’re comfy,” Someone said. Bo looked up at the stranger and peered at him through small slits of his enclosed eyes.

“Who are you?” Bo questioned impatiently.

“Your keeper; Dukes are trouble, more trouble than my Boss can afford.”

“You’re working for Roscoe!”

“You are very observant.”

“What is he planning on doing?” The man laughed as if for no reason but to laugh. Bo shook his head. He couldn’t believe all of this was going on.

“By the time that Boss Hogg figures out what is going on it will be too late.”

“You will never get away with this. What did you do hypnotize him?”

“No, he hired me remember?” The man laughed. “Well you might as well get to know my name. I am Walter Stamford. I’ll bring you food and such when everything runs out.”

Over at Cooter’s Garage, things were just starting to heat up. “What did you want to see us for Cooter?” Luke asked. Cooter grabbed a piece of blue cloth.

“Look familiar?” Cooter questioned.

“You know, that looks like the stuff off of the Hazzard police uniforms.”

“Found that ripped off on the trunk of General Lee.” Luke shook his head. He looked at Cooter funny.

“You know, I think Roscoe is carrying Bo with him for some reason.”

“Probably to get do away with you Dukes—Roscoe is planning something. I can feel it in my bones, y’all.”

“Which means Bo is okay.”

“How though are we goanna figure out what Boss Hogg is up to and get Bo?” Daisy asked.

“We’re not going after Bo, Daisy.”


“No, we’re not.”

“Why Luke? If you were in trouble Bo would come after you wouldn’t he?”

“You and me is goanna find out why Roscoe would want to hide Bo away for. We’re goanna then see what Boss’ plans are.”

“Cooter and me will handle Bo,” Jesse replied. Cooter nodded slowly. “You know, we have got to find out what is going on in Hazzard. I got a bad feeling and it ain’t from Luke’s cooking last night.” Daisy and everyone else laughed.

“Not funny.”

“We better split off y’all. There’s Boss Hogg now,” Cooter pointed out.

“Cooter’s right, we really have no time to waste. Hazzard County depends on us.” Daisy and Luke got in Dixie.

“You two be careful y’hear?” Jesse said.

“Don’t worry sir.”

“Every time you kids say something like that I worry just that much more. Get in Cooter.”

“Ya don’t have to tell me twice,” Cooter said.

“You better drive, I am already worried about Bo. Who knows what I’ll do.”

“Where you ya wanna go first?”

“I want you to get in the car.” Daisy laughed as she drove away. Cooter finally got into the pickup. He started it and revved the engine. He changed gears and away they went.

Now, the Dukes and Cooter are sort of on the right track but not quite. With Bo stuck where he is and the Dukes following the wrong character, life seems attention-grabbing. Hang on y’all, this could get interesting.


Bo was sitting there, now very much alone again. He couldn’t believe that this was happening. Now if the cousins would do just like Roscoe would suspect, Boss Hogg would be in big trouble.

He went through the pictures that were where the money was. It looked like Roscoe was about to do something drastic. “He wants to rob the Boar’s Nest and lock Un

He noticed something in the corner…a broken CB. His eyebrows went up. He smiled. “Well if this ain’t a sign then I don’t know what is,” Bo mumbled he took out his pocket knife, which Roscoe forgot all about, and opened it.

He was sure if he could get the radio working that it might be a good life line. Bo’s eyebrows went up. He calmly smiled. Bo had to warn the Dukes.

At the Boar’s Nest, Boss Hogg and the Dukes had pulled off. Luke was sure it was one of his many plans. After all everyone, who would suspect Roscoe of doing the things he was goanna do? Luke and Daisy walked into the Boar’s Nest with fire in their eyes.

“Boss we have a bone to pick with you,” Luke grumbled.

“You Dukes, what are you doing here?” Boss Hogg asked. He looked at Daisy and Luke. “Where’s your cousin Bo?” Daisy and Luke stared at each other.

“What do you mean where is our cousin?”

“You know perfectly well where he is! You had Roscoe take him and hide him somewhere so we wouldn’t find out one of your latest schemes, give it up Boss,” Daisy growled.

“Okay, y’all have been hit on the head too many times,” Boss Hogg cut in. Boss began to laugh. He shook his head. “Dang, why didn’t I think of that? Get rid of one of ya so I could keep on tarrying with my plans.”

“So you didn’t take Bo?”

“Heck no, I have been busy working on my casi—er—Hazzard’s greatest interests.” Suddenly the door burst open. Roscoe had a shot gun in his hand.

“Alright Hogg, put ‘em up—you too Dukes. I mean do it and do it now,” Roscoe commented.

“What is this Roscoe?”

“Simple you fat tub of unusable lard. I want all the money in your safe and I want it now.” Roscoe shook his head. “You Dukes were supposed to be looking for Bo.”

“You did this?”

“You better believe I did. Now, Boss, you open your safe and you do it now.”

“Roscoe, put the gun down and lets…” Luke began.

“I am goanna rid of you Dukes once and for all.” Roscoe aimed the gun at Luke’s head. Boss closed his eyes tight. As he heard the gun blast…

Boss woke up. Lulu was laying beside him. “What is wrong with you now?” Lulu asked.

“I had this horrible dream where Roscoe was going mad and…” Boss began.

“Who says it was a dream,” Roscoe’s voice said out of Lulu’s mouth. Lulu pulled off her face and revealed Roscoe. There was an axe in his hand.

Boss shot up even further than the first time. Bo and Luke were standing over him. “Are you alright Boss?” Bo asked. JD Hogg reached up and started pulling on Bo’s face. “OWE! What are you doing?”

“Making sure I ain’t still dreaming,” Boss replied.

“Well you’re hurting me, stop it!” Boss finally let got of Bo’s face.

“Well then what are you Dukes doing here?”

“Relax Boss, Lulu sent us over to pick up a few things for the H.E.R.S. meeting,” Luke answered.

“Well why are you in my room?”

“We heard screaming?”

“What the heck were you dreaming about?” Bo asked.

“Roscoe kidnapped Bo…killed Luke and stole all my money. It was like watching a horror film,” Boss Hogg answered. Bo and Luke started laughing.

“Roscoe wouldn’t hurt a flea,” Luke said.

“Yeah, besides that he wouldn’t steal from his little fat buddy,” Bo added.

“It was so real though. Roscoe was goanna rule the world,” Boss replied.

“Well rest easy—we’ll rule the world instead.”

“What a comfort that—wait a minute.” Bo and Luke began laughing they walked down the stairs. Boss looked out his window. Roscoe waved to him. Boss Hogg jumped. Now I don’t think he’ll get over his nightmare for a while, do you?


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