How to Survive a Double Date in Hazzard

by : Judas_Priest_On_A_Pony@yahoo.com

CAST OF CHARACTERS: Bo Duke, Luke Duke, Boss J.D. Hogg, Sheriff Rosco P.
Coltrane, Jesse Duke, Daisy Duke, Deputy Enos Strate,
GUESTS: Roxanne Biggs, Joanne Stanford

It was one of those peaceful summer afternoons in Hazzard County, as the sun glistened
off the hilltops and through the trees, burning sharp shadows on the surface of the land.
The Duke Boys were burning up the road in the General Lee as usual, on their way to the
Boar’s Nest to see two girls theythey met at an archery contest (I suppose the girls were
impressed by their archery skills).
“Now remember Luke, the tall and skinny one is mine,” Bo said authoritatively to Luke,
who was driving.
“Suits me fine. I HATE skinny women, remember?” Luke replied.
“Cute,” Bo replied, The Dukes continued carelessly on their way, having no idea a
Hazzard County patrol car is parked hidden on the side of the road. Seeing the Dukes
pass, Sheriff Rosco emerges from behind a bush with a 25 mile zone sign and plants it
firmly in the ground.After a short giggling session, he hops into his car takes off after
them.
“Hee hee! I got them Dukes this time! Uh heh…I just love this police work!” Rosco
enthusiastically puts his foot to the floor and flips on the siren. Bo and Luke
simultaniously look to the rear to find the sheriff quickly gaining on them.
“Geez…. Rosco AGAIN?” That’s it… I’ve had it!” Luke said in a frustrated tone.
“Uh…Luke, either Rosco’s getting better with age or you’re getting slower with age!” Bo
said with a bit of concern.
“Funny. ” Luke replied as Rosco continued to close in. “Okay Bo, we’ll just see who gets
better with age….hang on!” Luke puts the pedal to the floor and accelerates quickly.
Rosco grabs the CB. “Enos, this is your supreme superior commander, Sheriff Rosco P.
Coltrane speakin…uh, you got your ears on dipstick, c’mon?”
“Yes sir, Sheriff,” Enos relpies. “Accept you’re using improper police procedure, over?”
“Enos will you put a cork in it?….you meadowmuffin!” Rosco replies angrily. “Now I’m
in hot pursuit of them Duke Boys heading north on Highway 421, now are you in
position, c’mon?”
“Yes sir I’m about 4 miles ahead of your stakeout postion, over?,” Enos replies.
“That’s good news, Enos! Now listen, I’m about 2 miles behind ya so I want you to lay
out those spike strips that I bought from the Police surplus last week…over?” Rosco
replies again.
“Roger, over and out!” Enos quickly gets out of his car and gets the spike strips from out
of the trunk, then proceeds to lay them across the road carefully. Meanwhile, the Dukes
are headed his way.
“Whats that in the road, Luke?” Bo sees something laid across the road in the distance.
The General closes in on the spike strips.
“Oh no! Spike strips!!” Luke screams at Bo. “Do something!”
“I can’t, I’m not driving!” Bo screams back.
“Hold on to something cousin!” Luke turns the wheel sharply to the right, and right into a
cornfield. Totally blinded by green cornstalks, Luke struggles to get the General back on
the road. Meanwhile Rosco himself is closing in on the strips. Unable to stop, he drives
right over them.
“Ooooohh Grrrrghnn!!”” Rosco groans as he hears his tires popping. He skids to a
stop.The General makes it back onto the road.
“Yaahhhooo! Haha!” Bo gets a kick out of Rosco’s misfortune, while Luke honks the
horn,the ballad of ‘Dixie’ adding insult to injury.
“You dang Duke Boys! You just….listen! I’m …oh good grief….” Rosco is visibly
disappointed.
Anyway, a little later…..the boys arrive at the Boar’s Nest, still laughing and gloating
about how they showed up ol’ Rosco. Bo and Luke casually walk through the door and
enter a dimly lit, smoke-filled bar room, crowded with locals and out-of-town truckers.
“Sure is busy today ain’t it Luke?” Bo speaks softly to Luke, so not to make too much
noise.
“There they are, cousin,” Luke whispers back to Bo. The two Duke boys stroll to the table
where the girls are sitting, who have their eyes glued to them like a spider to a fly.
Cousin Daisy walks between them with a tray of drinks.
“What are y’all lookin’ at?” Daisy turns quickly, her hair flapping a little, and sees who
Bo and Luke are staring at. “THOSE are the two gals you were talkin about?” she
whispers to the boys witha bit of distaste in her tone. “Well they better kiss better than
they tip, or y’all are in trouble! hehe!”Bo playfully slaps Daisy on her arm.
“Cute Daisy, real cute…” The boys continue their stride over to the table where the girls
are sitting.
“Hello boys,” Roxanne said seducitvely (she’s the skinny one). “My my… y’all look even
more handsome from down here.”
“Well this angle ain’t so bad either,” Bo responded smoothly. He takes Roxanne’s hand
and lightly plants a kiss on it, firmly establishing which girl he wants. “The pleasure’s all
mine.” Bo flashes a little smile, while Luke, a little embarrased by his cousin’s smooth
talking antics, very formally shakes the other’s (Joanne) hand. The boys pull up a couple
of chairs and sit down. Bo is visibly very interested in Roxanne. The four have two
seperate conversations, neither pair paying much attention to the other.Luke is a little
nervous, but holds his own in the conversation. In the background, cousin Daisy seems
very interested in what’s going on while serving drinks at the same time. Daisy smiles at
Bo’s charming antics. After about 20 minutes of small talk, Bo makes a proposal.
“Say Roxanne, what do y’all say we all take a little spin around the county, and we
can…get toknow y’all a little better, huh?” Bo looks at Roxanne, then Luke, then back to
Roxanne.
“That sounds like a great idea, Bo,” said Joanne, who then turns to Roxanne and gives her
a wink. Luke smiles back at Joanne, but seems suspicious.
“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Roxanne says as she stands stoutly. The other
three all stand up at the same time and the four of them proceed towards the exit. Bo
puts an arm around Roxannein his traditional “smooth move” fashion. Just before they
can reach the door they’re cut off by Rosco and Enos, who barge through the door in a
very intimidating fashion. The sheriff quickly draws his gun and swings it in Bo’s
direction, then to Luke. Enos is standing behind Rosco with his hand on his gun, ready to
draw it if necessary.
“Alright you Dukes….just freeze it right there cause I got ya covered!” Rosco meant
business with his words. Daisy stops what she’s doing immediately and turns towards
where the commotion is.
“Dang it Rosco will ya put that thing away?? Somebody might get hurt!” Bo shrugs
Rosco’s order as if he is dealing with a child yielding a water pistol. The two girls step
away from Bo and Luke.
“What did we do NOW, Rosco?” Luke said, feeling sick and tired of asking that same
question over again.
“Well for starters, I caught ya going 50 in a 25 mile an hour zone, and then…” Rosco is
interr-upted by Luke.
“You mean that sign you put up after we past you?” Luke adds.
“Uhh yes…uh no…no.. well that don’t make no difference no how cause I got ya on
resisiting arrest and destruction of county property! Cee cee cee!” Rosco chuckles. “Enos,
read em they’re rights!”
“Yes sir…I’m mighty sorry about this Bo, Luke…I’m real sorry…One, you have the right to
remain silent. Two, you have the right to an attourn…” Enos is interrupted by Boss Hogg
who comes storming out of his office waving his trademark cigarre.
“Ain’t nobody readin nothin to nobody! Counta’ …. nobody’s arrestin nobody!” Boss
screams declaratively.
“But Boss….” Rosco said with a very confused expression on his face.
“I am DROPPING the charges against you Duke Boys!” Boss smiles then puts the cigarre
backin his mouth.
“You kiddin?” Bo is confused as well. “Well hot dang!”
“Boss, would would possess you to do a stup….” Rosco is interrupted by Boss.
“That’s right…you Dukes are free to go….ROSCO, put that gun away, jackass! This is a
place ofbusiness not a bookin’ office!” Boss said. Rosco made a motion to say
something, but shut himself up and did what he was told. The Duke Boys both smiled at
each other, and took their respective girls’ hands at the same time and strolled out the
door with them, past Rosco and Enos. Rosco gave both the boys a dirty look and put his
fist up, while Enos tipped his hat to both of them and smiled.
“Bye Bo, bye Luke! See y’all later!” Enos said, relieved that he didnt have to arrest his
friends.He then turned to Daisy and waved at her. Daisy waved back and smiled, then
resumed serving drinks.The Boys walked out of the Boars Nest with their girls, laughing
and chatting away. The door creaks open and slams as they leave. They help the girls
slide into General Lee very carefully, then follow. Bo hopped into the driverside with
Roxanne riding shotgun, while Joanne sat in the back with Luke.
“So where do you wanna go first ladies?” Bo asked with a huge smile on his face.
“Say…why don’t we drive into town? Maybe we can all take a walk around the square.”
Roxanne replied.
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” said Luke, who smiled back at Joanne.
“Let’s go!” Bo revs up the engine, so’s to impress the girls. After giving a quick look to
Roxanne,he throws it in reverse and spreads a beautiful array of dirt and dust into the hot,
dry air as the General pulled out of the crowd of parked cars. The boys were off to town.
When the General pulled into town square on that peaceful summer afternoon , it seemed
like nothing could possibly spoil the stroke of good luck the boys have had. But
well…this is Hazzard County, and if anyone knows Hazzard as well as Bo and Luke do,
they know it just ‘ain’t gonna be that simple’. Meanwhile, back at the Boar’s Nest, Boss
was in his office explaining to Rosco why he passed up a perfectly good opportunity to
throw the Duke Boys in jail.
“Now Rosco look….”Boss said, while chalking up a pool cue . ” I’m not one to pass up a
chance to NAIL THEM DUKE BOYS!”
“BUT…” Rosco interrupted , knowing exactly what Boss was going to say next.
“But….why settle for the night in jail and a couple hundred dollars bail when you can
have ten years in STATE PRISON!! Hahaha!” After sinking the three ball in the side
pocket, Boss sets down his cue and plants a cigarre in his mouth. Rosco, like a pety
bellhop, rushes to Boss to light his cigarre.
“Heehee…I love it I just love it! State prison, eh Boss?” replied Rosco with a curious
grin.
“That’s right…you see them two phillies them Dukes were with?” Boss said in a giddy
tone.
“Yeah?” Rosco replied, stll grinning.
“Well… I’ve arranged for them girls to rob the Hazzard County bank this afternoon at 3
‘oclock…and do you know who will be drivng the getaway car? ” Boss was still feeling
quite giddy.
“Who?” Rosco asked very stupidly.
“Rosco, why don’t you use that head of yours for somethin’ other than retainin’ water?
Who do ya think?? The DUKE BOYS, you numskull!!” Boss replied.
“Ooohhh oooohh…I get it…so Bo and Luke will be drivin’ the getaway car, right?” Rosco
asked like a schoolboy answering a teacher’s question.
“Right, right, you’re learnin, you’re learnin!!!” Boss pats Rosco across his cheak. Rosco
chuckles in the background.
“But…Boss…” Rosco asked seriously. “How did you hire them girls to rob the bank?”
“Well…those girls made a couple bootleg runs for me years back…and well, let’s just say
they’ve become ‘career’ criminals, haha!” Boss chuckles as he explains his angle to Rosco.
“You mean you hired a couple of ladies to run moonshine for you?” Rosco asked, quite
confused. “I’ve never heard of ladies runnin shine before…”
“I know I know! That’s just it…Nobody would ever suspect that a couple of bustin’ beaties
drivn’a mustang convertable could ever have moonshine hid up in their trunk! Get it?”
Boss put his cigarre back in his mouth.
“Well I just…” Rosco tried to answer but Boss interrupted him.
“Just recently I looked ’em up in my little black book of associates and well , them girls
have pulled off more jobs than you…or I could count! Hahaha!” Boss said, laughing. “So I
called em up and hired em to do a NON-robery…for a cool 20 thousand similions….10 a
piece. And I told em not to worry cause I got the local law in my back pocket!”
“Wait a minute…” Rosco said. “So they’re gonna rob a bank with hundreds of thousands
of dollars in it..maybe millions…and give it all back to you for a measily 20 thousand?
Why would they do a stupid thing like that?”
“Rosco…in this business there’s a TRUST factor involved. Besides…should they try any
double crosses, I’ve got YOU to throw THEM in jail!” Boss reassured Rosco.
“Me Boss?” Rosco asked, in a scared tone.
“Well you the sheriff ’round here ain’t ya? Don’t worry, they won’t see the twenty
thousand till I see the bank money!” Boss waved his cigarre while speaking. “Now….I
want you to get out on patrol, and I don’t wanna see either you OR Enos hangin ’round
that bank til the robbery’s been reported, understand? Last thing I want is for you to scare
’em away from that bank! Now…immediately followin’ the robbery them Dukes will be
headin back to the Boar’s Nest….which is where YOU come in.”
“Right…” Rosco replied.
“Now I’m gonna be on the police phone so’s I can tell you when to head on back…get it?”
“But Boss why don’t me and Enos just hang around here til then?” Rosco asked.
“Cause TIME is MONEY! Besides…I don’t want anything lookin’ too suspicous…get it?”
Boss said.
“Ooohh…right! I’m just gonna get them Duke Boys, cee cee cee! I’m gone!” Rosco
grabbed his hat and jacket and quickly exited Boss’s office. Entering the smoke-filled bar
room, Rosco saw Enos as he scrambled to get his jacket on. “Enos!” Rosco yelled as he
saw Enos chatting with Miss Daisy. “Will ya quit lustin’ over that girl?” Rosco yelled.
“Now I want you to get out on patrol! And stay away from town til I say otherwise!”
Rosco was now pointing at him.
“Well how come?” Enos asked.
“Will you just do what I tell you? You dipstick!” Rosco yelled back.
“Yes sir! Bye Daisy!” Enos replied, waved to Daisy and quickly followed his superior
officer out the door, after bumping into a couple of chairs along the way.
“Bye Enos,” Daisy blew him a kiss and laughed.
It was now ten minutes to three in Hazzard Square. The boys were walking the girls back
to the General after a casual tour around town. “Hey, I got another great idea!” Bo said.
“Why don’t we drive up to the lake?”
“Well that’s a GREAT idea, Bo!” Roxanne said, putting her arm around his shoulder.
“Let’s do it!” Joanne replied.
“I’m game if y’all are!” Luke said, smiling.
“Okay! haha!” Bo said, most enthusiasticly.
“But… first Roxanne and I have gotta make a…… withdrawl from the bank,” Joanne said,
smiling at Roxanne.
“Well okay,” Bo said. “We’ll drive over.” The boys loaded the girls into General Lee and
then slid in themselves. Bo puts the pedal to the floor and races to the bank. When it
reached the bank, the General slammed to a hard stop, leaving skid marks in the street
and giving out a loud squeel, making the situation even more suspicious than it needs to
be.
“Don’t be long girls!” Bo yelled as Roxanne and her partner slide out of General Lee.
“We won’t,” Joanne said as she looked at Roxanne smiling. Roxanne then loosened the
button that holds the flap on her purse closed. A weapon of some kind is obviously
concealed. The girls strut casually up the stairs and into the bank. Before entering they
quickly pull masks out of their purses and throw them on. The two ladies smile at each
other. Meanwhile, the boys were in General Lee (note the engine is running) passing the
time.
“Yaaahoo!” Bo yelled. “What a day, first Boss drops them charges, and now Roxanne and
Joanneare money in the bank!”
“Remember the last time you said that Bo? We had to jumpstart General Lee cause the
keys were in my pants a couple of girls stole off us…Not to mention the prize money!”
Luke said.
“Yeah, don’t remind me!” Bo replied.
“Strange…Why Boss would drop the charges is beyond me…” Luke rubbed his chin.
“Did you see the look on Rosco’s face? Haha, I’ll never forget that!” Bo chuckled. Luke
replied with some laughter of his own. Inside the bank, the girls were work their magic.
“ALRIGHT! EVERYBODY THROW THEIR BELONGINGS ON THE GROUND AND
DROP TOTHE FLOOR!” Roxanne screamed militarily. Everyone in the bank turned to
the masked bandits in shock,as if they’ve never seen such activity in Hazzard (I’m
supposin’ they all don’t get out much in Hazzard County). “C’MON, DO IT!” Roxanne
ordered, flashing her 38 calliber. Everyone did as they were told and very nervously
layed face down on the floor. Joanne did the same. “JO, take care of the teller and I’ll
getTHEIR stuff…and see if you can’t get that safe open!” Meanwhile, the boys were just
fiddling around in General Lee impatiently, waiting for the girls.
“What’s takin them girls so long… they gettin a first rate home extacy loan or somethin?”
Bo crosses his arms in frustration.
“That’s EQUITY loan…..Ya know Bo? It’s too bad there ain’t a bucket of cold water in
this car cause if there was I’d have to throw it on ya!” Luke jokingly replied.
“Cute.” Bo was not amused. Back inside, Roxanne was swiping the poor customers’
belongingswhile Joanne was working on the teller. She was having a tough time getting
Rose Ellen (the teller) to do anything.
“WILL YOU CALM DOWN??” Joanne sounded frustrated while pointing the gun at poor
Rose Ellen. “Look, you don’t even have to do it fast…just fill the money bags nice and
slow…take your time.” Joanne figured on resorting to being to nice.
“Okay…”Rose Ellen replied, while sobbing heavily. Trying to wipe her tears she started
tossing wads of money into the bag, some of them missing the bag altogether and falling
to the floor.
“Oh good grief…” Joanne mumbled to herself. “Okay, while you’re doing that, you think
you can tell me the combination to the vault without crying?”
“26, 42, 35, 6, 7, 18!”Rose Ellen blurted out quickly.
“Well, at least you’re good for SOMETHING!” Joanne smiled and quickly ran to the bank
vault,reciting the combination to herself.
“Will you c’mon?” Roxanne said. “I’m finished with my half of the job!”
“Oh will you shut up, Roxxy?” Joanne replied. Try dealing with HER (referring to Rose
Ellen) for one minute!” Joanne opens the safe. “JACKPOT!” Outside the boys were still
waiting. About five minutes pass.
“Hey Luke, you ever wonder why women take so long makin a withdrawl from the
bank?” Bo asked Luke in a daze.
“Probly the same reason they take so long gettin’ ready for a date,” Luke replied. The
girls race out of the bank with bags and bags of money and personal belongings. The
boys turn and look at the girls in disbelief. They both toss the bags of money into General
Lee, some of them hitting Bo in the face. Bo and Luke are so taken by the confusion that
they don’t have time to react. Roxanne flashes her pistol at Bo as she slides in.
“DRIVE! And NO funny business!” Roxanne orderd, with her 38 pointed straight at Bo’s
head.
“Uh…yes ma’am.” Bo puts the General into gear and floors it, as if he’s quite familiar with
this situation. As they take off, Rose Ellen peaks out the window through the blinds and
sees the General pullaway. It seems as if Boss’s plan worked like a charm.
“See Bo? I told ya! You had to say ‘money in the bank,’ didn’t ya?” Luke said to Bo as he’s
staringat Joanne’s 38.
“That ain’t funny Luke,” Bo Replied. “Where we goin, anyway?”
“Just you drop us of at that Bird’s Nest place so we can get away from this jerkwater town
in something tasteful.”
“Uh, that’s the BOAR’S Nest, Roxxy!” Joanne corrected her.
“Whatever! Just DRIVE pretty boy!” Bo gave Roxanne a dirty look, and continued on.
“So I guess the lake is off, huh?” Bo figured he’d give it a try. While the boys were racing
to the Bird’s….ahem..BOAR’s Nest, against their will, Rose Ellen at the bank made a call
to the Hazzard County Sheriff’s office. Unable to reach anybody, she called Boss at his
office at the Boar’s Nest and told him everything that happened. So Boss raised Rosco on
the CB.
“This is J.D. Hogg callin’ Sheriff Rosco Coltrane, over?” There was no answer. “ROSCO
will you answer me you jackass, over?” There was still no answer.
“ROOOOOSCOOOOO!!!!” Rosco suddenly awoke from his nap under a shady tree.
Quickly, he ran to his patrol car and grabbed the CB.
“Rosco here, Boss! Cee cee! Go ahead little fat buddy….over?”
“Will you hush up and listen good? A couple of girls just robbed my bank!! And they
made their getaway in that orange clunker car the General Lee…and the Duke Boys were
drivin!” Boss was pretending to sound as if he had no idea the bank was going to be
robbed. “Now I want you to to find that car and arrest all four of em, over?”
“Boss, you don’t gotta explain nothin to me, you told me all about this at the Boar’s Nest,
remember? Cee cee!” Rosco very stupidly said over the air.
“ROSCO!! We’re on the air!!….You IDIOT! You dang blasted IDIOT!” Boss screamed
into the reciever angrilly. “Ahhh nevermind! You just catch them Duke Boys…..or else,
YOU will BE….”
“The night watchman at the gravel pit on Sumptner Road.” Rosco intterupted Boss. “I’m
gone!”The sheriff throws it in reverse and turns around, headed back in the direction of
town. After raising Enos on the CB, he told him what happened and to keep a look out
for the Dukes. Meanwhile, the boys’ luck was about to get worse as they headed for the
Boar’s Nest. Then again, so was Boss’s.
“Well, you Duke Boys are dumber than Boss Hogg said you are!” Roxanne said to Bo in
an evil tone. As the General sped up the narrow dirt road, a Hazzard County patrol car
was heading towards it from the opposite direction. Enos was in the driver’s seat.
“Well whats THAT suppost to….? OH NO! Looks like Enos! Hang on everybody!” Bo
turns the wheel sharply to the right, skidding forward, forcing Enos to turn to the right
himself, and off the road. Dirt flies as Enos veeres off into a ditch. The General skids to
a stop.
“Looks like he’s okay,” Bo said.
“Will you GET MOVING?? We’re kind of in a hurry here!” Roxanne yelled as she waves
her gun at Bo.
“The BOAR’s NEST, right?” Bo screams loud enough for Enos to hear, and puts the pedal
to the floor. The General takes off, leaving Enos behind.
“Hey Sheriff? This here’s Enos! I just past the Duke Boys going north …I overheard ’em
say they’re headed back towards the Boars Nest!”
“Hot dang, we got em now! Cee cee!” Rosco replied.
After a couple of tries Enos manages to back his way out of the trench, and heads back
north in the direction of the Boar’s Nest. Meanwhile, Rosco raises Boss on the CB.
“Hey Boss?” Rosco said. “I’ve got good news for ya! Them Dukes are headed back to the
Boar’s Nest, just like we planned, and I’ll be right there to clap the cuffs on em, cee cee!
over?”
“Well you better! Or else..YOU will BE…..” Boss replied.
“The night watchman….” Rosco’s voice trailed off. Rosco was pretty close to the Boar’s
Nest because it wasn’t long before he pulled into the lot. He parks behind the back wall,
where he could be concealed quite nicely. The General quickly pulled in a couple of
minutes later spitting up dirt and dust as it came to a stop.
“ALRIGHT GET OUT BLONDY!” Roxanne commanded. Bo started to quickly slide out.
“SLOWLY!”
“Right,” Bo replied and did as he was told . Roxanne slid out the right passenger door,
still trying to keep the gun aimed at Bo. Bo stood still with his hands casually raised
while Roxanne approached him with pistol in hand. She waved it to her left signalling
Bo to move over.
“Alright now YOU, plowboy!” Roxanne said.
“Nice and slow, Jo said, while holding Luke at gunpoint. Luke slid out the door and
stood next to Bo. Jo followed and slid out the other door, pointing the gun in the
direction of the boys. They slowly started to back away towards the getaway car. Sheriff
Rosco appeared from beyong the wall.
“FREEEEEZE!” Rosco yelled as he pointed his gun with both hands at everybody. He
slowly approached the four. Enos pulls into the lot and makes his way towards the scene.
“Alright I don’t want ya horsin’ around cause I won’t hesitate to use this weapon! YOU
two! Drop them guns!” The girls do not comply. “I’m serious, now…do it!!” Rosco was
becoming more angry by the minute. They finally give in and drop their pistols.
“Now…kick em over towards me!” The girls comply. Rosco picks up both guns and
shove them in his pockets. “You didn’t think I’d get ya huh? Well I gotcha! Cee cee cee!”
Enos opens the door and stands up with an ill look on his face, worried about Bo and
Luke. “Now…you’re ALL under arrest! Enos? put the cuffs on em and read em their
rights!!”
“Wait, hold on Rosco we didn’t DO anything!” Luke testified.
“That’s right, we were hostages,” Bo said as Enos was cuffing Bo and Luke’s hands
together.
“Well you can that to the federal judge, Cee cee!” Rosco said with a grin.
“Y’all have the right to remain…” Enos is interrupted as Boss steps out from his office
door.
“MY MONEY!! MY MONEY!! Hahahaha!” Boss hobbles trying to run toward the
General.He sticks his head inside to grab the money bags. “Oh look at it, look at it…it’s all
here!!” A crowd starts to form outside. In that crowd is cousin Daisy. She runs towards
the scene.
“I’m mighty sorry bout this boys!” Enos said, ashamed. Boss sticks his head out of
General Lee with money bags in hand.
“Rosco, you arrest these four bandits and throw em in the huscow!” Boss commanded.
“Enos!, you take them boys into town and throw em in the holding cell! ROSCO! Cuff
them girls and stay here with me!” Rosco does what he’s told. Enos walks the boys to his
patrol car and puts them in.Daisy runs up to him.
“Enos, whats goin’ on?” Daisy asked, grabbing his shoulder.
“I’m sorry Daisy….” Enos slams the back door and gets in the drivers seat.
“DAISY!” Luke yelled. “Get Uncle Jesse, will ya?”
“But Luke, what about you two?” Daisy replied.
“Just do it!” Luke said. Daisy runs to her car and tries to raise Jesse on the CB. There’s no
answer. Enos pulls his car up in front of the General Lee and attaches it to his rear
bumber with a chain. After which he pulls out of the lot and heads for town.
“Okay folks, shows over, nothin’ to see here!” Boss yells. The crowd begins to disperse.
“Well, well well…you girls did your jobs quite nicely,” Boss whispered. “NOW…it’s time
to discuss payment….hehehe!ROSCO!! walk these girls inside will ya?”
“Right Boss,” Rosco replied. He scoots the girls, who are still cuffed together, into the
office door, following Boss. Boss heads for his safe, to get the 20 thousand.
“Now now now…lemme see that was ten thousand for the both of ya right?” As he was
turning the dial.
“That’s…a PIECE,” Jo corrected Boss.
“I’m sorry…where is my head today? Hahaha…” Boss said, looking at both of them.
“Rosco, take them cuffs off will ya? They ain’t prisoners no more!”
“Ooooh….” Rosco said as he scrambles to put the key in. After a couple of unsuccessful
attempts, Rosco gets the cuffs off. “And here are your guns back ladies…cee! ” Rosco
hands the girls over their pistols politely and walks towards Boss.
“Thank you Sheriff,” Roxy said, smiling. Boss counts the 20 thousand out and gives it to
the both of them. “And we’ll be taking the contense of that safe as well, Mister Hogg!” as
she points the gun at Boss, who’s eyes widen.
“AAAHH!!” Boss screamed.
“DWOOO!! Rosco grabs onto Boss.
“Wait just a second here! We had a deal!” Boss said as he was staring down both barrels.
“Well now, Mister Hogg, I would think YOU of all people would understand our
reasoning, huh?” Jo said. She grabs one of the emptier money sacks from off of Boss’s
table. “FILL IT…NOW!”
“Alright alright alright!” Boss replied, almost tearful as he grabs the sack and fills it with
everything from his safe….”Of all the lyin…double crossin, no good…” Boss whsipered.
“Boss, you forgot deceiptful!” Rosco said.
“Will you hush up?” Boss replied.
“Jo, grab that bank money, will ya?” Roxy said. Jo starts picking up sacks.
“No…not the BANK money!!! Ahh…dag nabbit Rosco, whyd’a have to go and give em
back their gunslike that?” Boss finishes filling the sack. Roxy grabs it from him.
“Well I was just bein’ polite!” Rosco said. Boss takes off his hat and smacks Rosco with
it. “Roscooo….if we get outa this alive, I’ll KILL you!”
“Both you two hush up!” Roxy ordered, as she waved her gun at them.
“Dwooooh!” Rosco replied, grabbing Boss and using him as a human shield.
Meanwhile, Daisy was on the phone with Uncle Jesse, having no idea what was going on
in the next room. “I’m tellin ya Uncle Jesse, I have NO idea what’s going on…all I saw
was Enos driving the boys offto jail! And there was two other girls in handcuffs, that’s all
I know….and one more thing..Boss Hogg and Sheriff Rosco had big smiles on their
faces!”
“Well, that’s typical of J.D. and Rosco…Alright, Daisy, you go back to workin since there
ain’t much else you can do right now…I’m a’headed down to the jailhouse to find out
what’s goin’ on!” Jesse hangs up the phone and grabs his lucky red hat. Meanwhile, the
girls sneak out the back door with all of Boss Hogg’sand the county’s money. After
tossing it in the backseat of their souped up Mustang, they take off headed for the state
line. Back in Boss’s office, Boss and Rosco are handcuffed together, while Rosco is
handcuffed to Boss’s wine closet.
“Well can’t ya get loose???” Boss asked with concern.
“Nothin’ doin, Boss, Rosco replied…we’re stuck here lke a fly on a spider web, cee cee
cee! You know something Boss? Maybe if i lift the leg i can slide it through….”
“You can’t jackass, the legs are all bolted to the floor!” Boss replied.
“Ooooh…well maybe we can yell for help!” Rosco suggested.
“We can’t do that either, numskull! Rememeber? I had the office soundproofed last
month to keep nosyevesdroppers like Daisy Duke from listenin’ in on my plans!” Boss
said. While Boss and Rosco were all hung up, the girls were headed outa town faster
than Boss to a refrigerator.
“Haha! We did it Roxy,” Jo screamed, tossing some small bills out the window.
“Quit that!” That money don’t grow on trees, ya know!” Roxy said.
“Sorry, heheh… Hey, this ain’t the way we came in! Roxy, I think we’re going the wrong
way!” Jo seemed concerned. Nonsene… I know where I’m going!” (Little does she know
that that road takes them right back to town)
“I still say….” Jo was interrupted.
“Will you HUSH?” Roxy said. The bright yellow mustang speeds towards town. Enos,
meanwhile,was driving towards the jail, with Bo and Luke in the backseat The bright
white patrol car, with sirens flashing, pulls to a slow stop in front of the courthouse.
Enos steps out of his car while Bo and Luke are pleading their case in the back.
“Enos, please…you gotta believe us!” Bo pleaded.
“C’mon, we were hostages for Pete sake!” Luke added.
“I’m sorry fellas, I know y’all didn’t have anything to do with it….but Sheriff Coltrane…I
… I gotta do what he says to do.” Enos opens the back door and the boys climb out,
cuffed together even.
“But….” Bo was interrupted by Luke.
“No sense in beatin’ a dead horse Bo,” Luke replied. “Now we KNOW which side of the
tracks Enos rides on.”
“Wait, hold on now, boys I never said….” Enos was interrupted by Bo and Luke’s
bickering. Meanwhile, our bandit friends were headed right for town square.
“Oh great…you were RIGHT Jo! We ARE headed the wrong way!!” Roxy said.
“I’d say ‘I told ya so’, but it’d be too easy,” Jo said smugly.
“Funny…well, let’s just run through this traffic circle and head back the other way,” (note
that Hazzard Square is one big traffic circle, so you can enter and leave town the same
way you came in one motion) The Mustang speeds through the square at incredible
speed, tearing up the asphalt as it goes. Enos starts to escort Bo and Luke into the
courthouse/jail when he hears the screetching of tires. The three stop and stareat the
speeding Mustang convertible. “Jo, look!” Roxy yelled. The girls pass the parked patrol
car. “Oh no!” He spotted us!!
“Possum on a gumbush! Them bankrobbers escaped!!” Enos starts to squirm.
“Well…we gotta go after em!” Luke said.
“Y’all gonna have to ride in the back with me!” Enos said.
“I think we’d have a better chance if you let us help!” Luke replied.
“I dunno…Sheriff Rosco’d skin me alive if I let you boys go!” Enos said.
“Well just think what Boss and Rosco ‘ll do to ya if them bank robbers get away!” Bo
added.
“Well….alright!” Enos agreed as he uncuffed the boys. But y’all gotta promise to turn
yourselves in once we catch em!”
“Sure thing Enos!” Luke said. “C’mon Bo, we got some bank robbers to catch!”
“Yaahoooooo!!!” Bo scrambled to get the chain off of General Lee. The two Duke boys
slide into the windows. Enos takes off after the robbers, sirens blazing, followed by Bo
and Luke. Followed by….Uncle Jesse? Yes, Uncle Jesse, who joins the chase when he
pulls into the square to see the General Lee and a Hazzard patrol car taking off at high
speed.
“Now what??” Uncle Jesse said to himself. “Things happen so fast around here I can
hardly keep upanymore!”
“Deputy Enos Strate calling Sheriff Rosco! I’m in hot pursuit of them e’x’caped bank
robbers and I’m closin’ in!” No answer. “Sheriff?” Still no answer. “Sheriff???” Bo and
Luke were listening in on the police channel. Rosco meanwhile was struggling to reach
the CB.
“Did ya hear that? That dipstick just might catch em…Oww!! Rosco!! You’re yankin’ my
arm!! You can’t reach it so quit tryin’!” Boss commanded.
“But Boss…I just…” Rosco said.
“You don’t suppost somethin’ happened to Boss and Rosco do ya?” Bo said, concerned.
“Well, whatever’s happened to them we’ll have to deal with later,” Luke replied. Bo
looks in the rear view mirror.
“It’s Unlce Jesse!!” Bo said.
“Haha, guess Daisy gave him the messege!” Luke said. Luke turns the CB dial to channel
6, Jesse’s usual frequency. “Jesse, this here’s Luke, you got your ears on?”
“Go ahead Luke….what’s been happenin?” Jesse replied.
“Well, it’s a long story, so I’ll keep it short…. A coupla girls are gettin away with every red
cent of the banks money, and we may need your help to get it back! Just stay close
behind us, alright?”
“I copy that Luke… if we don’t get that money back today there’s gonna be a lot of angry
customers at the bank tomorrow!” While the boys and Jesse were closing in on the
robbers, Boss and Rosco were all tied up.
“Good news Boss, good news!! ” Said Rosco as he discovered he had a handcuff key on
his belt buckle.
“What?” Boss asked.
“Guess what!….look! look!” Rosco replied as he showed the key to Boss.
“OOOHHH, Thank Heaven, thank Heaven!” Boss rejoiced. “Wait a minute….you mean
to tell me that you had the key ALL THIS TIME???”
“Oooooh…oooh…well uh..” Rosco replied. Boss snatched Rosco’s hat and made a
motion to swing it at him. “Listen…Boss…wait, whoahh!!” Rosco ducked as Boss
repeatedly clubbed him with it.”Wait…gee gee! Boss….the bank robbers, we gotta catch
em rememeber?”
“That’s right!!” Boss said as he stopped swinging. “C’mon, c’mon Rosco, get these cuffs
off!! We gotta save my money!!” Rosco then proceeded to jiggle the key into the
handcuff slot. Meanwhile, Roxy and Jo were dealing with problems of their own. Jo
could faintly hear a police siren coming up from behind her.
“Oh no!! that sheriff is comin’ up behind us!!” Jo said as she looked over her shoulder.
“And them Duke boys are right behid him! Step on it Roxy!!” Roxanne puts the pedal to
the floor and puts it into fifth gear. They start to pull away. Enos puts the pedal to the
floor himself, but is unable to catch up.
“Lucas I do believe they’re gettin’ away!” Bo said as he watched the Mustang pull away
down the road.
“I don’t even think the General could beat that thing on a stragihtaway without a real
good tuneup!!” Luke said. As the bandits were getting away, Boss and Rosco were about
to join the chase.
“C’mon Rosco, take your car and go after em!!” Boss ordered as he ran towards Rosco’s
patrol car, scrambling to put on his hat, followed by Rosco, with keys in hand. Rosco
hops in and starts to back up, before Boss could get in. “Rosco you dang doedoe!! Wait
for me, wait for me!” Rosco stops to let Boss in.
“Ooohh, I’m sorry Boss!” Rosco said. He flips on the siren, and they take off to see if
they can’t catch the robbers. “Enos, this is your superior officer speakin!! Now where’d
you say them robbers were headed? C’mon?”
“Sheriff!!! They’re headed west towards the state line!!” Enos hollared, as Bo, Luke, and
Jesse were listening in on the CB as well.
“The state line? That’s only 5 miles ahead! Luke said with concern.
“That’s right!” Bo agreed. “Hey, if we don’t catch em before they cross the state line….”
“It could all be over!!” Luke said. “Unless……Enos, this here’s Luke! I think we can keep
em from crossin’ the state line if we can get em turned into ehhh……Hopkin’s Trail!
Now, you can play cat and mouse with em while Bo takes one of his world famous
shortcuts!”
“That’s a 10-4 fellas, good luck!” Enos said.
“You fellas be careful,” Jesse added.
“Bo, cut across that dry river bed, we can cut em off that way!” Luke hollared.
“Hang on cousin! Yahooooo!!!” Bo yelled as he turned the wheel sharply to the right.
The General veers off the pavement into a dry river bed, gliding across the dry dirt,
spreading up dust.
“Did ya hear that Rosco?” Boss asked. “Now you head over to Hopkin’s Trail on the
double!”
“I’m gone!” Rosco replied, as they turned onto a dirt road.
“State line’s just two miles ahead,” Jo said to Roxy. We’re gonna make it!”
“Don’t speak too soon, Jo!” Roxy pointed to the right at the river bed. “Look!” The
General Lee climbs up the hill of the river bed, towards the road.
“There’s Hopkin’s Trail, Bo!” Luke yelled. “Cmon, get her up on the road!”
“I’m tryin’ Luke…hold on!” Bo turns the wheel to the left and brings the car on the
pavement,, a few feet in front of the bandits in their Mustang.
“Damn!” Roxy bickered as she turned the wheel to avoid hitting the back end of the
General. “What do we do now?? They got us trapped like a hen in a foxhouse!!”
“Turn off on this next road up ahead!” Jo hollared. Roxy turns off onto Hopkin’s Trail,
while Bo con-tinues straight.
“Alright!!!” Luke yelled.
“Yeeehhaaa!” Bo gave Luke a high five, and hooked a 180 to turn around.
“We lost em, Jo!” Roxy said. Meanwhile, Enos, followed by Unlce Jesse, turned onto
Hopkin’s Trail.
“Hey Luke, now what?” Bo asked, as he turned left onto Hopkins Trail. “All we did was
buy us some time!”
“We’ll just have to keep after em til we can catch a break!” Luke said. Meanwhile, the
girls were speeding down Hopkin’s Trail, with more money in the backseat then the Duke
Family has ever earned in their two hundred years in the states. Meanwhile, Rosco was
heading towards Hopkin’s Crossing on Gretnidge Road.
“C’mon, can’t this thing go any faster?” Boss asked, frustrated.
“Well Boss, if you wouldn’t pocket so much of the county’s tax money we’d have better
patrol cars!”Rosco replied smugly.
“Look, there’s Hopkin’s Crossing!” Boss yelled, pointing to the sign. The bandits were
headed towards the crossing from the south, while Boss and Rosco were heading towards
it from the east.(now i’ll bet you’re all way ahead of what’s comin’).
“ROXY LOOK OUT!!” Jo screamed as the Hazzard County Patrol Car pulled out in front
of the crossing. Roxy tries to turn away but is too late as their Mustang slides into
Rosco’s car on the drivers side.
“AAAHHHH!!!!” Enos screamed as he slid his car into the mustang convertable, creating
a nice little sandwhich of cars, spitting up dust and debris everywhere. Jesse slows his
pickup to a stop and gets out, followed by Bo and Luke.
“Would ya look at that?? Hahahah!” Uncle Jesse chuckles. Bo walks up to Jesse and
puts an armaround Jesse’s shoulder.
“Have you ever seen a prettier sight in your life?” Bo said, laughing, viewing the carnage
of automobiles. Enos quickly gets out of his car with gun in hand.
“Alright….FREEZE! FREEEEEEEZE!!!!” Rosco yelled as he drew his gun, still sitting in
his wrecked patrol car.
“ROSCO you doe doe !!” Boss hit Rosco with his arm. “Get my money will ya??”
“Ooh..right Boss….ENOS!! Get the money will ya, dipstick?” Rosco ordered, while Bo
and Luke laugh in the background.
“Right Sheriff!” Enos grabs the guns from the backseat and hands them to Luke, who
helps him confescate them. The girls have their hands in the air, while Boss runs towards
Enos to grab the money bags. Rosco gets out the passenger side to approach the girls and
handcuff them.
“My money, my money, my beautiful money!!! HAHAHAHA! I’ll never let you get away
again!”Boss kisses the money bags with glee.
“You mean…the county’s money, J.D.” Jesse corrected him.
“That’s what I meant Jesse…once I deduct the money they stole from me..” Boss added.
“Ooohh, Boss, you mean the money you paid the girls to frame the Dukes?” Rosco asked,
as he placed the girls into the backseat of his patrol car.
“ROSCOOOO!!!” Boss screamed.
“Wait just a minute…” Bo said suspiciously. “You mean this whole thing was a dang
frame-up?”
“Well then, looks like we’re in the clear then, huh, Bo?” Luke said confidently.
“No no no no…you AIN’T!!” Boss said authoritavely. Rosco…see..this hot sun is gettin’ to
him,he don’t quite no what he’s sayin….DO YA ROSCO!” Rosco does not answer.
“Alright alright…you Dukes couldn’t prove nothin’ anyway even if ya tried! There’s about
a dozen witnesses….including the bank teller, that will testify that you were aidin’ and
abettin’ these here girls! Rosco, arrest them Duke Boys!”
“Just a minute Hogg!” Jo interrupted. “You arrest these boys and we blow the whistle on
you! Right Roxy?”
“Right Jo,” replied Roxy. “If these boys go to jail we’ll say we took em hostage…and
testify thatYOU paid us off!”
“But YOU can’t….Ahhhhh!!!” Boss grumbled, frustrated, throwing his white hat at the
ground and stomping on it.
“HAHAHAHAHAH!” The Dukes all laugh in unison. Luke starts to disarm the two guns
the girls were carrying, and makes a shocking discovery. “Say girls? Do you always
forget to load your pistols before pulling a heist?” Bo begins laughing histarically . The
girls both smile at Bo and Luke. Naturally, Boss looked at Rosco with his usual
disatisfaction. “Rosco. You’d better be a fast runner,” Cause when I catch
you….you’ll be breathin’ through your hat!!!”
“Ooohh…Boss! Listen…I didn’t know the guns were….ooh…ahhh!” Rosco’s voice trails off
as he races to get away from Boss, who chases him down the road.
“You know, he’s pretty fast for a fat little marshmellow, ain’t he?” Jesse remarked.
So that’s the legend of how Bo and Luke Duke survived the first “double date” bank heist
in the history of Hazzard County. It was later found out that Luke was right, the girls
never DID load their guns. They just hoped nobody would notice! Regardless, the
“unarmed bandits” were sentenced to ten years in the state pen . Boss had to drop all of
his phony charges against the Dukes, but got a good workout when he chased Rosco… for¬†about five miles. Everybody ought to get a little something out this, shouldn’t they?

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