by: Keith
Act One
(Opening shot of a ramp-like mound of dirt bordering a river. Within a few seconds, we hear the General Lee’s engine and then immediately see him jump the river. Three more basic jumps follow and the series of stunts concludes with the famous rivine jump.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, if you’re wonderin’ why the General has taken off more times in the last two minutes than the only plane at the Hazzard airport has all year, it’s because it’s time once again for Boss Hogg’s annual Drag N’ Fly race. Bo and Luke are pullin’ out all the stops to make sure the ol’ General is up to the challenge.
(We see a traditional shot of Bo and Luke in the General Lee)
LUKE: You hearin’ what I’m hearin’?
BO: Well, if you’re talkin’ about that high-pitched squeekin’ noise that sounds like the shocks just gave out, then yeah, I’m hearin’ what you’re hearin’.
LUKE: Well, we can’t enter the General in the Drag N’ Fly with the shocks in this bad shape. Better head over to Cooter’s and see if he can help us out.
(Fade to an outside shot of the couny courthouse.)
BALLADEER: Now, y’all might recall that last year before the Drag N’ Fly, Boss had Luke hypnotized into thinking that the general was a piece of junk to keep the Dukes from enterin’ the race. Luckily, though, Uncle Jesse brought Luke back to his senses before it was too late. Well, folks, this year ain’t gonna be no different. Cause ol’ Boss is already cookin’ up a plan to keep Bo and Luke from gettin’ to the startin’ line.
(Inside shot of the courthouse booking room. Boss Hogg is dressed in his white racing uniform with a blue background behind him. In front of him is a replica of the door of his “Hogg Hellcat”. A photographer takes publicity shots of him.)
ROSCO: (Carrying a fan over to Boss Hogg) I’ll tell ya what, little fat buddy, you look just like a great big chubby white marshmallow dressed like that! CU! CU!
BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you just hush and bring that fan over here next to me?! Now, listen, we both know that my “Hogg Hellcat” won’t have no problems winnin’ that there DRag N’ Fly competition…
ROSCO: Except for the Duke boys in the General Lee…
BOSS HOGG: (raising his voice) EXCEPT for them Duke boys and that dang blasted General Lee!!
ROSCO: Well, Boss, y’know, I’ve been thinkin’ about that. What if I was to just find the Duke boys, arrest ’em, and impound the General Lee?
BOSS HOGG: (with a very scrutinizing look on his face) Rosco, you couldn’t catch a cold if you was standin’, naked as a jaybird, in a pile of snow.
(Rosco does his typical figner-pointing routine and get a hurt look on his face)
BOSS HOGG: Uh, uh, uh! What I got in mind for the Duke boys is somethin’ a lot more perminent.
(Rosco motions to Boss Hogg to keep quiet and then points to the photographer)
BOSS HOGG: Oh, yeah, (to photographer) Say, Homer, why don’t you take a few minutes and go get yourself a new roll of film in that there camera.
HOMER: But, Boss, I just put new film in it not five mintues ago.
BOSS HOGG: (getting frustrated) Alright, well, when did you get the film you got in there now?
HOMER: It just came in with last weeks shipment.
BOSS HOGG: Well, that ain’t good enough! I want film that came in on yesterday’s shipment! I want these here pictures to look the best they can! So you’d better just run back over to your camera shop and get a fresh roll.
HOMER: (shakes his head and walks toward the door) It’s your money, Boss.
(Homer exits)
ROSCO: (with a panicked look on his face) Boss, now, I know that the Duke boys have caused us a lot of trouble over the years…but I never thought things would come to you talkin’ like this!
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I swear you must have only one brain cell for every year of your life. I’m not talkin’ about the Duke boys! I’m talkin’ about doin’ somethin’ perminent to that orange clunker car of theirs!
ROSCO: Oooohhh….I love it! I love it! (Rosco gets a puzzled expression on his face) Wait a minute, Boss. There’s a flaw in the slaw. How’re you gonna pull that off? I mean, the Dukes wouldn’t let either one of us anywhere near that General Lee. Especially not this close to a race.
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven’s sake, don’t you think I know that?! What we’re gonna do, or more accurately, what you’re gonna do is disable the General Lee when the Dukes ain’t around to see ya do it.
ROSCO: But, Boss, the only time Bo and Luke aren’t around the General Lee is at night when they’re sleepin’.
BOSS HOGG: That’s right…unless…
ROSCO: Unless…
BOSS HOGG: Unless they’re commin’ close to a big race!
ROSCO: (excited) Ooo! You mean the Drag N’ Fly!
BOSS HOGG: (sarcastic) No, I mean the three legged race. OF COURSE I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT THE DRAG N’ FLY!
ROSCO: Well, ya dont gotta yell. (makes his little noises under his breath)
BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you please…now listen, where’s the one place Bo and Luke always leave the General Lee right before a big race?
ROSCO: (excited again) Oh, I know this one! They always leave it at Cooter’s garage for a tune up!
BOSS HOGG: Exactly! And THAT’S where we get at it!
ROSCO: Oooohhhh…I love it! I love it!
(scene switches across the street to Cooter’s garage, where Bo and Luke are pulling up in the General Lee)
BALLADEER: Meanwhile, Bo and Luke was pullin’ the General into Cooter’s to have his shocks looked at. Just like Boss figured. Friends, I don’t like where this one’s goin’!
(Bo and Luke climb out of General Lee. Cooter approaches)
COOTER: Hey, Y’all!
(Bo and Luke say hi)
COOTER: Well, let’s see…I ain’t seen Rosco’s patrol car leave the front of the county courthouse buildin’ all mornin’ so y’all can’t be here with damages ya got tryin’ to outrun him. Which can only mean that ya need me to give the General a check-up before the Drag N’ Fly.
LUKE: You got that right.
BO: Yeah, his shocks gave out right after we jumped him over Stix River.
COOTER: (smirks) I told y’all that one was gonna get ya one of these times.
(switch back to county courthouse. Rosco sees the Dukes and Cooter across the street. Walking toward the window, he nearly chokes Boss Hogg with the fan’s cord. Boss Hogg makes his usual destressed noises)
ROSCO: Boss, look out the window! Do you see what I see?
BOSS HOGG: Well, how am I supposed to see anything if you keep cuttin’ off my air like that?!
(Boss Hogg looks out the window and smiles)
BOSS HOGG: There they are, rosco! Just like I figured! Now, here’s what I want you to do. As soon as the Duke boys leave, you think up some excuse to send Cooter over to see me. And while he’s here, you’ll be over there makin’ sure the General Lee doesn’t make it to the Drag N’ Fly.
(switch back to Cooter’s)
COOTER: Well, I’ll tell ya what. This is gonna take me a little while, so why don’t y’all go grab a cold one over at the Boar’s Nest and come back. You can take my truck if ya want.
LUKE: Alright, Cooter. Much obliged!
BO: We’ll see ya a little later, Cooter.
COOTER: Yeah, I’ll see y’all later.
(switch back to courthouse)
BOSS HOGG: Alright, Bo and Luke are pullin’ away. Now you get over there and send Cooter over here to me, and I’ll buy you enough time to do whatever you gotta do to the General Lee.
ROSCO: Alright, little fat buddy! I’m gone!
(switch back to Cooter’s. He is lying under the General, removing the shocks. Rosco approaches)
ROSCO: Cooter, you under there?
(Cooter slides out)
COOTER: Hey, Rosco. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with your patrol car, so what brings ya’ll over here?
ROSCO: Oh, quit the formalities. Cooter. I got important business to discuss with ya.
COOTER: Well, whatever it is, Rosco, you better make it quick. I gotta work on the General so (starts to smirk) the Dukes can beat Boss in the Drag N’ Fly.
ROSCO: Well, I think you’re gonna wanna make time for this, Cooter. Cause, see, Boss sent me over here to tell you that hes just decided to raise the mortgage on this here garage.
COOTER: (with an angry look on his face) Is that a fact? Well, you can just tell Boss where to stick his raised mortgage payments cause I got a legally bindin’ contract with him already! And that’s says that he can’t change a thing!!
ROSCO: Well, if you’re so mad about it, why don’t you just go on over there and tell him yourself? He’s inside drawin’ up the papers now.
COOTER: I think I’ll go over there right now and do just that!
(Cooter pushes Rosco aside and walks away)
ROSCO: Hey, careful there! You’re scuffin’ my uniform with your dirty hands!
(Once Cooter is out of sight, Rosco pops the General’s hood open)
ROSCO: Ooooo…look at that big fancy engine! I’ll bet there’s a million things I could do under here that would disable the General Lee! CU! CU! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!!
(Scene changes back to inside the court house. By now, Boss Hogg has changed back into his usual white suit with a red and white checkered napkin under his chin, and a stack of ribs in front of him. Cooter storms in)
COOTER: Boss Hogg, you got some nerver tryin’ to pull a stunt like this! You know you ain’t got the right to raise the mortgage on my garage! I got a good mind to report you to the circuit judge over in Atlanta!
BOSS HOGG: (with a baffled look on his face) What? Cooter, you been suckin’ in exaust fumes over there at that garage of yours? I ain’t got the slightest notion what you’re talkin’ about.
COOTER: (with a skeptical look on his face) Uh-uh, Boss. You ain’t gonna weasel your way outta this one. Rosco just came over and told me that you was in here drawin’ up the papers to raise my mortgage this very minute.
BOSS HOGG: (realizing what Rosco told Cooter) Oh, THOSE mortgage papers! Well, as a matter of fact, I just finished writin’ them up and gave ’em to Enos to make copies of. (now doing his phony smile)Since it shouldn’t take him more than a few minutes, why don’t you just wait outside and you can sign ’em when he gets back.
COOTER: (getting enraged) Now you listen here, Boss…
(Cooter continues yelling at Boss Hogg as the scene switches back to Rosco with the General Lee)
ROSCO: I wish I had a set-up like this in my partol car. I’d give the Duke boys a run for their money. I’d cuff ’em and stuff ’em in no time! CU CU! (now looking confused) I don’t know what to tinker with, everything looks so high-tech under here. (Sees the gas and brake lines but isn’t sure what they are) Except for these two hoses. I don’t know what they are, but they look real important!
(Rosco bends over the engine and removes the brake line, not knowing that’s what it is. Scene switches back inside the court house, with Cooter storming out of Boss Hogg’s office and walking toward the main door just as Enos is entering)
ENOS: Hey, Cooter! How ya doin’?
COOTER: Hey, Enos. Listen, I don’t know what Boss told you to have me sign, but you can forget it.
ENOS: (very confused) I’m aweful sorry, Cooter, but I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. I ain’t got nothin’ for ya to sign.
COOTER: (also confused) Ain’t you commin’ back from makin’ copies of the new mortgage Boss made up on my garage?
ENOS: No, sir. I’m just commin’ back from my lunch hour. Cooter, I’d love to stand here and talk to ya, but I got a lot of work to get done. I’ll see ya later.
(enos walks away)
COOTER: Yeah, I’ll talk to ya later, Enos. Y’all take it easy, now.
(Cooter pauses just outside the door and gets a very suspicious look on his face)
COOTER: I wonder what them two’s up to…
(Scene switches, again, to Cooter Garage. We see Rosco buttoning up his shirt)
BALLADEER: Well, Boss stalled Cooter inside the court house long enough to let Rosco do his dirty work, and Enos inadvertantly helped him out. All that gave Rosco more than enough time to take somethin’ important out of the General’s engine. Y’all wanna guess what he’s got tucked into his shirt?
(Cooter exits court house and approaches Rosco)
COOTER: Rosco, what do you and Boss Hogg got up yer sleeves?! He didn’t have no mortgage papers in there!
ROSCO: (acting surprised) He didn’t? Well, then he must’ve wanted me outta there for some reason….oh, I know! He’s in there plannin’ a surprise birthday party for me! Ooohhh, I can’t wait to get a look at this!
(Rosco sarts to walk away)
COOTER: Rosco, you’re birthday ain’t for another two months.
ROSCO: Oooo…you’re right about that. (gets an enlightened grin on his face) Oh, well see, that’s why he’s doin’ it now. He must figure that by doin’ it so early, I won’t suspect nuthin’! CU CU! I love it! I love it!
(Rosco walks away)
COOTER: (yelling to Rosco) Listen, Rosco, whatever you two are up to, leave me out of it! I ain’t got time to play games, alright?!
(Cooter returns to his garage and continues working on the General’s shocks)
BALLADEER: Friends, right now, y’all gotta remember two things. First, Cooter didn’t see Rosco tinkerin’ under the General’s hood. And second, the boys didn’t say nuthin’ about no engine trouble. So Cooter ain’t got no reason to look under the hood before he goes back to workin’ on the shocks. Now, I’ll tell ya, things just ain’t lookin’ too good for the Dukes.
(Scene changes back to Boss Hogg’s court house office. Rosco enters)
BALLADEER: And here comes Rosco to bring Boss Hogg what he thinks is good news.
ROSCO: GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS! I done just like you wanted, little fat buddy. I made it so the General Lee ain’t goin’ nowhere for long time! CU CU!!
BOSS HOGG: (chuckling) Good! Good! You done like I told ya and made it so that orange clunker car don’t run no more?
ROSCO: (almost offended) Are you kiddin’ me?! Does a chicken have feathers?
BOSS HOGG: (getting skeptical) We’re about to find out. Tell me, what’d you do to that car anyway?
(Rosco unbuttons his shirt and pulls out the brake line)
ROSCO: I just pulled out this important-lookin’ little hose, that’s all.
(Boss Hogg gasps and gets a very worried look on his face)
BALLADEER: Now folks, remember, Boss is an ex-ridge runner. And he did his share of engine repairs in his day. So, no matter how fancy it might be, he knows a brake line when he sees it.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you’re right. A chicken does have feathers. And he donated ’em all to you so you’d have somethin’ to pass for a brain! (grabs brake line from Rosco) Do you have any idea what this is?!
ROSCO: Are you kiddin’? Of course I…not really.
BOSS HOGG: This is the General Lee’s brake line, you knucklehead!! So, once them Duke boys get in, it’ll start up and go just fine. But when they try to stop….
ROSCO: OOOO!! JEEJEE!!! That could be hurrendous!!
BOSS HOGG: That’s right! And if anything happens to Bo and Luke Duke, who was the last one seen around their car?
ROSCO: (doing his finger pointing while thinking routine) OOOOO!!! I was! JEEJEE!!
BOSS HOGG: That’s right! And Cooter’s gonna be the one pointin’ the finger! And he knows I was the one that sent you over there! So he’ll put two and two together and know what we done!
ROSCO: Well, Boss, we gotta do somethin’! We gotta get this hose back under that hood before the Duke boys get back!
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, yeah. You’re right. Now, you go over there and think up another excuse to get Cooter back over here while you put that hose back!
(Just as Boss Hogg says this, Bo and Luke pull up in Cooter’s truck)
BALLADEER: Uh huh. Chalk this one up to typical Duke timin’.
(As the boys get out of the trcuk, Cooter comes out from under the General Lee)
COOTER: Hey, y’all must’ve pounded them beers down real fast to get back here so quick.
LUKE: Naw, we’re as parched now as we were when we left.
BO: Yeah, it seems Boss decided now would be a good time to cut off our bar tab until we pay off what’s there.
LUKE: And since neither one of us has got a dime to our names until after the Drag N’ Fly, we figured we might as well come back here and keep you company while you work on the General.
COOTER: Well, if you’re gonna do that, y’all are gonna wanna pull out a couple o’ sleepin’ bags, cause you’re gonna be spendin’ the night.
LUKE: Whadda ya mean?
COOTER: well, I was just on the phone to my buddy Tyrone over at the Capitol City garage and he’s outta stock of the shocks y’all need. But he’s got another shipment commin’ in tomorrow, so I’ll head over and pick ’em up in the meantime.
BO: Speakin’ of the meantime, what’re we supposed to do til then?
COOTER: Well, I put the old shocks back on and, you’re right, they’re in pretty rough shape. But they’ll get ya to the farm and back. But don’t go doin’ no fancy drivin’, alright?
(Scene changes back to Boss and Rosco looking out the window)
BOSS HOGG: Dang blast it!! Alright, Rosco, it’s too late for a plan now! Just get out there and make sure them Duke boys don’t get away!!
(Rosco turns to leave and then returns)
ROSCO: Boss, how am I supposed to stop ’em? I ain’t got nothin’ on ’em.
BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Since when has that ever stopped ya?? Now get out there and stop ’em before they get goin’!!
(switch to Bo and Luke climbing into the General Lee)
BO: Thanks a lot, Cooter. We’ll see ya later!
LUKE: Just give us a holler on the cb in the mornin’ when ya get back with them shocks.
COOTER: You got it. Y’all take it easy now!
BALLADEER: Now, if y’all are wonderin’ what ever happened to Homer, the photographer, he couldn’t find yesterday’s film shipment. And since he didn’t know Boss was just feedin’ him a line to get him out of the courthouse, he didn’t dare go back there with the same film in his camera. Can’t say as I blame him, though. If he was right, Boss might’ve got mad enough to foreclose on his camera shop. And poor Homer’s got a wife and two mules to consider.
(Rosco runs out of the courthouse just as Bo and Luke begin to pull away)
ROSCO: Oh, no! There they go! (yelling to Bo and Luke) FREEEEEEZZEE!!!!
BALLADEER: Now, friends, considerin’ what ol’ Rosco’s usually up to when he says “freeze” to the Dukes, that’s the last thing he shoulda said just then. Cause just like Pavlov yellin’ at his dog, that action is gonna get an equal and miiiiiighty opposite reaction from the boys.
(traditional shot of Bo and Luke in General Lee)
BO: What could Rosco possibly want? We ain’t done nothin’ all day. What could he be tryin’ to pin on us?
LUKE: Listen, you know as well as I do that lack of a charge ain’t never stopped him from citin’ us before. And if we can’t afford a couple of beers, we sure as heck can’t afford a ticket from him. But just take it easy. Remember we basically ain’t got no shocks.
BALLADEER: Uh, Luke, that ain’t all you ain’t got.
(Rosco get in his patrol car and starts after Bo and Luke)
ROSCO: Flash, I never thought I’d say this, darlin’. But we gotta get after Bo and Luke Duke before somethin’ happens to ’em. Otherwise, I’m liable to be sendin’ you yer doggie num-nums from the slammer! JEEJEE!!
(Switch to Enos is the police booking room, filing paperwork. He hears Rosco’s voice over the CB)
ROSCO: Enos, this is your superior officer, Sheriff Roscooo P. Coltrane. You got your ears on, you dipstick?!
ENOS: (picking up microphone) I’m right here, Sheriff. What can I do for ya?
ROSCO: Enos! Quit yappin’ and just listen! I need you to get out here and help me stop the Duke boys! And I mean NOW!!
ENOS: Well, shucks, sheriff. The General Lee’s been parked at Cooter’s for a while, so I don’t think they could’ve been speedin’. (giggles)
ROSCO: Enos! Will you just hush!! Now, I’m your superior officer, and this is a direct order! Now you just get out here and help me catch Bo and Luke Duke!! You dipstick!!
ENOS: Yessir, Sheriff. I’m commin’ right now!
(Outside, Cooter watches Rosco start after the boys)
COOTER: (shakes head) Well, so much for goin’ easy on them shocks.
(Cooter turns and goes inside his garage)
BALLADEER: Now, I really wish Cooter had looked down before he went back inside. Then, maybe he would’ve spotted that big puddle of brake fluid where the General was just parked.
(Switch back to Bo and Luke)
LUKE: Bo, where are you goin’?
BO: (with a big grin) Stix River!
LUKE: Bo, are you nuts?? You know the General can’t handle a jump like that right now!
BO: Don’t ya think I know that, Luke? I ain’t plannin’ on the General bein’ the one to jump it.
LUKE: (realizing Bo’s plan)
LUKE: Forget it, Bo! Stix River’s a lot deeper than Hazzard Pond. And we both know Rosco ain’t that good a swimmer. Just pull it over and we’ll see what he wants.
(switch to Rosco in his patrol car)
ROSCO: (into CB microphone) Enos, are you out there yet? Come on…
ENOS: Yessir, Sheriff. I’m right behind ya!
ROSCO: Alright, listen, the Duke boys are headed for Stix River. Now we both know they’re gonna jump it to get away. I want you on the other side! You got that?
ENOS: Yessir, Sheriff! I’m on my way.
ROSCO: Well, jumpin’ that thing aughtta slow ’em down enough for Enos to stop ’em….I hope. (makes his typical whiny noise)
BALLADEER: Friends, it just dawned on me…Rosco don’t know the General’s shocks are gone, too.
(switch back to Bo and Luke)
LUKE: Bo, look, it ain’t worth it. Just do like I told ya and pull it over.
(Bo gets a panicked look on his face)
BO: Luke, I’d really like to oblige ya right now but I ain’t gonna be able to!
LUKE: Waddaya mean??
BO: Well, I don’t know why, but the brakes are gone!
LUKE: What??!! No shocks OR brakes??
BO: Yeah, and that river ain’t gettin’ no farther away, neither! What’re we gonna do??
LUKE: Only one thing we CAN do…cross your fingers and close your eyes!
BO: You’re a lot of help!
(Bo and Luke’s expressions turn from panic to pure fear)
LUKE: Lord, here it comes!
BO: Hang on, Luke!
(General Lee approaches the ramp full speed and launches into the air. Scene freezes with the General in mid-air)
BALLADEER: Now let’s see…no shocks, no brakes. And the General’s hangin’ there, twenty five feet in the air. Y’all might wanna close your eyes. I’ll let ya know when it’s over.
End Act One