Saintly Hogg

by: Essy Jane

Ah, back again? Well that’s good. I love having you hear of the stories I like to tell ya. They are always filled with adventures. Well that and many Dukes. But you don’t mind that one do you? After all, Hazzard wouldn’t be the same without Dukes.

So welcome back. I will always greet you here. For what you ask? More stories about Hazzard County of course. Besides, without y’all we would be in major trouble. Speaking of trouble, you can see in your mind’s eye what is just around the corner. Come on y’all, this is Hazzard County. You know how Bo and Luke are—they are more trouble than a hound dog with fleas.

Then again y’all, you know that the trouble comes to them. Yep, problems seem to just fly out of the air and fall into their laps. Bo and Luke don’t complain none.

They don’t really mind at all. I guess you could say that it is sort of just how it works. The Dukes look as if they always get themselves in one mess or another. This time, well it ain’t much different.

Well let’s not establish this story with the Duke family. I love them just as much as you do. However, I think it is time for a change. I know, the Dukes of Hazzard County are the most interesting people out there right now.

Come on, you’re in Hazzard County, you know what I mean. Heck, everyone who has even been through Hazzard County knows just what I mean.

Those Duke’s stories were thrilling. They seem to speak to a lot of people. There are all sorts of adventures. Each one more amazing than the next.

When these stories were turned into a novel, excitement rolled over everyone. They couldn’t believe this was a true place with true people. Now everyone wanted to be in Hazzard County.

Tourism more than doubled. For a small place like Hazzard, that was wonderful and motivating. Jesse Duke was a slight superstar. All over the place there was a signature that had to be signed for some fan of his marvelous new book. Yes sir, Jesse was a great writer.

Boss had to provide somewhere to stay for all these folks. Sure, they had the Hazzard Hotel and the Hazzard Motel but people were just packing it in. You know how tourists are, they want to stay in popular sites and this was one of them.

How did Boss fix this little kafuffle? By building on to his hotel and motel of course, that’s the American way. He was thrilled with all the tourism. It meant more loot for him. Now folks, no one can disagree with another man of money can they now? I didn’t think so.

Yes friends, that is just how amazing the Duke’s book was. That is also why I say the Dukes are interesting people. It is hard not to start with the Dukes I know. Dry your eyes though and rest easy.

Change can be a good thing. I should know. After all, the Dukes are changing all the time right? So am I. Besides, since I am person in charge in this situation y’all are just goanna have to tag along with me. Here we are over at the Boar’s Nest.

Yes I know, we don’t see a lot of this place. It ain’t that the Dukes don’t like this place…well it is because they ain’t old enough to visit this outstanding establishment. Don’t lose sleep none though, soon y’all will find out just how popular it is.

Anyway, Boss Jacob-Daley Hogg is sitting in the infamous barber chair. He’s getting a shave from a lovely African American woman. Now don’t you think he’s a chip off the ol block? I do. Jefferson-Davis Hogg would perform this modest reserved process rather habitually.

That woman is a good one. She does a nice job with an old razor. One thing you have to remember about Jacob-Daley Hogg is he is dang conservative. He likes the old way of things. Most of all though, remember that Jacob-Daley Hogg takes pleasure in being like his mentor, Jefferson-Davis Hogg.

As the African American Woman finishes off, someone knocks at the door. Boss promptly gestures for the gal to leave out the back door. She nods, packing up her things. There is another knock at the door. Boss Hogg rolls his eyes. He grabs his white hat and puts it on his head.

“Come in, Roscoe,” JD commented. The door slammed open and in walked our favorite Sheriff, Roscoe P. Coltrane. His elbows were bent like any other male Coltrane. He looked at Boss with his Beatty little eyes.

“How did you know it was me Boss?” Roscoe asked.

“Simple, you always knock the same. You know the shave and a haircut knock.”

“Two pence, Khee. I have always liked that knock, Boss.” JD Hogg rolled his eyes and shook his head. He liked Roscoe, he was a good little man in a fight but sometimes he was a little off.

“Would you stop worrying about the knock?”

“Yes sir. I guess I could try to do that Khee.”

“All right, now what do you want?”

“Well there’s no one to chase right now.”

“What about the Dukes?”

“What about them?”

“Why ain’t you chasin’ them you knuckle head!”

“Well simple, it’s Monday.”

“Bo and Daisy Duke are at school. But that doesn’t make you unable to chase Luke Duke or that old coot Jesse.”

“He’s the same age as you Khee.” Boss growled at Roscoe. The smile slithered off Roscoe’s face. “Well you see Boss, ah…umm Luke is volunteering at the senior’s home.”

“What about Jesse?”

“Oh that man is working at the farm.” Boss rolled his eyes. “Jit-jit just breaks my heart when I don’t get to go through a major chase.”

“So what’d you come over to my end of town?”

“Simple Boss, I was hoping you could give me some interesting facts Khee-Jit-jit…would be awful nice of ya.”

“Well let’s see, what can I tell you that is interestin’…I know, my brother’s back from Quebec.”

“How is that interestin’ Boss?” JD shook his head as he lowered his eyebrows. Boss grabbed a cigar and stuck in his mouth. He lit it and began puffing quickly.

“Simple pea brain, my brother went to go settle a will.”

“Oh? That’s terrible news.”

“It is not.”

“It isn’t?”

“No, my brother didn’t even know the guy.”

“Still a shame he died.”

“Not for my brother it ain’t.”

“Oh?”

“Ya see, his Great Uncle passed. Since my brother is the only living relative of his adopted family, he gets the money—and the companies that made the money.”

“And you’re goanna teach him how to invest it.”

“And I’m goanna teach him how to invest it.”

“Boss, your brother ain’t like you. He grew up in different surroundings. He is—honest.”

“Oh come on Roscoe, if I can train you to be my crony in crime then I can teach him.”

“I guess you’re right, Khee.”

“Dale-John has no idea what to do with the money. I mean really, he may perhaps be my brother however DJ Hogg ain’t that exceptional.”

“He would give it away…”

“He would give it away if he had the chance and that’s what I am goanna stop him from doing.”

“Where’s he staying?”

“At my place and that’s how it is goanna stay.”

“Well you do know that he will want to do sight seeing. He’ll probably wanna visit Bo Duke.” Boss Hogg shuttered and shook his head. “The Dukes and he are friends.”

“Ack, Roscoe, don’t you dare mention that again ya hear?” Roscoe pretended to lock up his mouth with a key and throw it away. “Oh don’t start that nonsense! Look, if he talks to the Dukes, they will tell him how to invest his money. You know what they will suggest.”

“They would give him a suggestion for something helpful for Hazzard County?”

“Yes Roscoe! That is exactly what them interfering pushy meddling Dukes would do.” Boss got out of his barber chair. He began pacing back and forth. “We have got to keep him from doing anything so—charitable.”

“How do you plan on doing something like that?”

“I will keep him in the house.”

“How are you goanna do that?”

“How would I know? Maybe you can figure that out for me. See as you’re supposed to be my sheriff.”

“Ah…”

“Oh forget it. You know what, I will just spend some of that brotherly time with him.”

“Brotherly time?”

“Yeah, have DJ Hogg become my full time buddy.”

“And he’ll hate you.”

“Yes and he’ll…no you numb skull. I want him to learn the ways of my trade. I want him to feel the need of greed.”

“Oh greed sounds good Khee.” Boss Hogg rolled his eyes.

“Don’t you have a job to do?”

“Uh…yeah, arrest people who are violating the law.”

“And anyone else you can catch. Especially catch them Duke Boys. If Bo and Luke ruin this…”

“You can count on me Boss Jit-jit Ooo, got go.”

“You do have to go!”

“Oh I love it, I love it, police work is my life Khee hee.”

“Just get out of here you pea brain.”

“Sure Boss, I will skedaddle and go see Flash.”

“That mutt is an evil little pooch.”

“Now Boss, she loves everyone but you.”

“Just get y’hear?”

“Should I go through the back door or the front door because sometimes those doors…”

“I said git! I don’t care how you do it just move!”

“Getting, sir.” Roscoe walked out of the back door. He popped his head back in. “Hey Boss I was thinking…”

“Give him a metal!” Boss rolled his eyes. “Didn’t I hire you to become a sheriff?”

“Yes but…” Roscoe walked closer to Boss Hogg.

“What do Sheriffs do?

“Uphold the law?”

“From a drinking establishment?”

“Well umm…no.”

“Well then get back on the road.”

“Yes sir.” Roscoe ran out of the Boar’s Nest. Boss Hogg began to laugh as a smile rolled on his pudgy face. He put his cigar in his mouth and began to puff on it.

“Nine hundred Million samoleans.” Boss put the cigar back in his mouth. He rubbed his hands together. “Money is thicker than lost relations.” Boss Hogg began to cackle. Boss smiled. Uh huh, that’s Boss Hogg for you. He is goanna ruin the mind of a good egg. Dale-John, unlike his brother, is very generous kind man. Now I don’t wanna see that ruined, do you?

2

Now, Leila is a many things. However, she ain’t tolerant of Boss’ miniature schemes. Leila Hogg is an exceptionally compassionate and loving woman. She, as Boss describes her, is a fairly hefty woman. She has brown curly hair and baby blue eyes.

She looked at Dale-John and smiled. The man wasn’t looking too happy though. Well would you be happy if you were cooped up in the house all day? I wouldn’t either ladies and Gentlemen. “Now Dale-John, what is with the grumps?” Leila asked.

“I don’t know, your JD Hogg gave me all of these figures. I do not think I want to use them at all,” DJ replied.

“Now what do you want to do with that money?” DJ rubbed his chin for a minute. He looked down at his suit, playing with the material. “Come on DJ, I know you have something you wanna do with the money.”

“Personally Leila, I want to do something good with it that will help Hazzard County. However, I don’t know what to do.”

“You know what I suggest? Take time out and talk to the Dukes.”

“Bo Duke and his family?”

“You know, they constantly have a proposal for serving the public.”

“You are right, the Dukes are a very noble family. They love everyone they meet.

“I tell you what, I will call Luke up and he will pick you up and take you to the Duke farm.”

“Leila you are amazing.” Leila smiled.

“That’s what sister in laws is for.” She dialed up the number. Sure enough, Luke was delighted when she asked him. He drove up in General Lee two and honked the Dixie Horn.

Sure enough, DJ Hogg was on his way out with Luke Duke. Now you can imagine how wonderful it was to get out of the house. Friends, I would not wanna be stuck in the house for that long. Come on, I am on the road most of the time being the great country singer I am.

Anyway, DJ loved General Lee two. He absolutely adored the wind on his face. “Your General, you put his flag and name on the back?” DJ questioned.

“Yeah, this is a soft top coverable. Uncle Jesse figured that if he painted the flag and name on top, it would wear very easily. Besides, no one would be able to see the name and flag if it were out,” Luke replied.

“Your Uncle is a smart man.” The people inside the vehicle were quiet for a moment. General Lee was the only one doing any talking.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh nothing Luke, I am just thinking about my brother.” Luke laughed.

“It’s hard not to think of your brother.”

“Yes, I know.”

“What about your brother are you thinking about?”

“He wants to spend some time with me and I don’t know—I want to but I really came here for a reason.” Luke smiled. He shrugged softly.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Roscoe had finally found someone to chase. Yep, Bo Duke. General Lee always had a police car behind him. Oh well, that’s tradition right?

Roscoe was thrilled to be chasing this young Duke Boy. Flash began to bark at him. Roscoe peered down for a moment. “Now Flash, you know Daddy has a job to do. Besides, those Dukes love me chasing them, Khee,” Roscoe commented. Flash barked once again. “Oh come on! Daddy loves Bo too.”

Meanwhile in the General, Bo was getting impatient. He had heard that Dale-John was goanna be at his farm. Now he hadn’t seen his friend in a long time. When you haven’t seen someone, you would wanna get back too.

“Lost sheep two to Bo Peep, where are you honey doll?” Bo questioned over the CB.

“This is Bo Peep riding in my Dolly—just got done with the school spirit meeting what do ya need Lost sheep?” Daisy replied over the CB.

“Gosh dang it sweet heart, Roscoe’s on my tail and he seems really determined to catch me today. Like he’s got a million dollar plot in his hand, come back.”

“You wanna play a game? You know, Hazzard style naturally?”

“Pin the bumper on the police car?”

“No Bo, a game of trouble. Just pop the top…”

“The fun don’t stop.”

“Where are you?”

“I am at Miller Road.”

“I am on my way, just keep pulling circles honey.”

“10-4 Daisy, I’m waiting on you.” Bo put down his CB and began driving. He did one full circle and then another leading directly back onto Miller road. Now this time, Daisy was stopped right into the middle of the road. Bo swerved to miss her Roscoe hit her. He got out of his car.

“Daisy Duke you…” Roscoe began.

“Now Roscoe Coltrane! What would your mama say to you if she saw you hitting my car?” Daisy asked.

“Umm…woo-jit…now Daisy…”

“My car stalled, you were supposed to be a gentlemen and help me. Now look, you have scratched my Dolly.”

“Well uh…” Bo Duke went up the hill and went ahead of Dolly. He drove away.

“Well nothing.”

“Daisy now look what you did, you made me loose Bo Duke.”

“I didn’t make you do anything now are you goanna pay for damages or am I goanna have to involve your insurance company.”

“Uh…”

“Roscoe?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Are you goanna pay for the damages? Or am I goanna have to call your mama?”

“Don’t call my mama! She will be so all fired ticked with me. After all, she loves you!”

“That she does Roscoe. Now you wouldn’t wanna ruin your relationship with Mama now would you?”

“Yes ma’am…I mean no ma’am.”

“Well which one is it? Yes ma’am or no ma’am?”

“Uh…No.”

“Good, I will call the Davenports, maybe they will send someone for me.”

“Okay, you do that.”

“Roscoe?”

“Yeah?”

“You say hi to your mama for me won’t you? I mean I really love her and all.” Daisy took out her lipstick and began to apply it carefully to her lips.

“Yeah, I will say hi to mama.”

“Tell her I would like her recipe for turkey stuffing. It was really good.”

“Yes Daisy.” Uh huh, did you see that folks. Daisy Duke is one slick young woman. She would make the finest conman whimper and weep. I am serious on that note. Y’all just sit around and watch alright? I’ll be right back.

Oh come on, don’t give me that face. I have got to go to the little cowboy’s room but all is well. We’ll start on the next part in a minute. I promise now. Don’t go anywhere y’all, the fun is just about to happen, don’t ya know?

3

Well after Cooter Davenport picked up Dolly, he drove Daisy back to the farm. You know what Cooter’s reward was? Uh huh, a kiss. Now Daisy Duke drives most of the men around Hazzard County wild. Cooter and Daisy however, are just good friends.

She of course was thrilled to see DJ Hogg propped up at the table. How can you tell who is who? I know that’s what you’re wondering seeing as they are identical twins. Well let me give you a hint.

You see, Boss Hogg don’t like to see anyone else dress like him. One time Roscoe dressed up as him for Halloween and—well let’s just say Roscoe regretted it. So, don’t dress like JD Hogg folks.

Anyway, Dale-John always wore a black suit with a white shirt underneath. He had a black tie. He looked pretty good in it too. Boss bought the clothes for him. DJ also had a black Stetson hat.

How else could you tell them two apart? Well, there always was Roscoe’s hound dog. Yep you better believe ol Flash knows when something or someone is in the right. When they’re not, she growls at them like you wouldn’t believe.

Anyhow, DJ stood up. Daisy smiled as he gave her a huge hug. Jesse was buried under his paper. He flipped the page and began giggling. He showed it to Luke who read for a second and began laughing too.

Daisy shrugged, she looked at Bo who seemed to be amused with the outdoors. His hair was wet and looked like curly hay. Luke pushed back his hair which didn’t do much for him. His locks seemed to go back in the same position.

Jesse finally put the paper down after finishing with all the funnies. He cleared his throat. Jesse’s face became serious. He ran his fingers through his beard a few times.

“Now, Luke said you had some business to share with all of us, DJ. Would you like to spill the beans now?” Jesse asked as Bo put his bare feet up on the table. Jesse growled and pushed them down. Daisy began to express amusement as she chucked away. Bo smiled indistinctly and shrugged.

“Yes, I do have some business to attend to. I have nine million dollars in a bank account. I want to do some good. Now, how can I help Hazzard County?” DJ asked. Bo and Luke looked at each other.

“There are plenty of things you can do in Hazzard.” Jesse lifted his coffee cup and took a long drink. “Why not help the people in your community? Quebec would appreciate it just as much as we would.”

“I really don’t believe so.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Jesse, nine million dollars is a lot of money down here.” DJ scratched his head.

“Yeah I know it is.”

“If I can help the people of Hazzard, if I can do something special for people like you, then I have done my job.”

“I see.”

“I guess I am being odd.” Bo shook his head no. DJ smiled. “I really do want to do good for this community. Jesse, you are a very kind person. Your boys have helped me through rough times.”

“Well they’re good kids.”

“I want to give something back to you all. Jesse, you know Hazzard better than anyone. What would you suggest?” Now Jesse Duke could have answered in a heartbeat but that’s not what he is all about.

“You know, you should ask my boys.”

“What an excellent suggestion.” DJ turned his attention to Bo and Luke. They looked at their Uncle Jesse with total confusion. How could he possibly turn this to them? Jesse signaled them to look at DJ. “Bo, Luke, how could we help Hazzard?”

“Well we can restore the town,” Luke said. DJ rubbed his chin for a second. He closed his eyes and thought about Hazzard being restored. He opened his eyes.

“We can do more than that with the money. Look, Hazzard County could use a hospital. We have to commute a pretty good distance. How wonderful would it be if we had our own services here—including ambulances?” Bo cut in. Luke snapped his fingers.

“Yes and with the leftovers you can make a vet hospital.”

“We have a fund for the hospital already, one hundred thousand dollars.”

“We have been raising it for about three years now.”

“What do you think?”

“Boys, I want to do it. We’ll build a hospital. It will be the best we could possibly build. Labs right inside,” DJ commented.

“This’ll be great,” Daisy announced.

“Just one problem, how am I going to tell JD?” Everyone looked at each other.

“DJ, that shouldn’t be a problem. He’ll get over it.”

“Daisy, he had all of these plans to get me even more money but I don’t need more. I own a company that brings in good profits.”

“Sometimes Boss Hogg doesn’t see what’s more important.”

“I wish I could accommodate him but I know other people need it more than he does.”

“DJ, don’t get an aching heart about all of this. You need to just simmer down and think things through,” Jesse commented.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t let your brother hold a shadow over you.”

Besides, it is your money, you do as you see fit.” Uh huh, you go tell that to Boss. Well let’s see what Boss’ reaction is. I found it interesting.

There he is talking to Roscoe. That is after DJ got back to Boss Hogg’s house. Now imagine this, a man who is greedy being told he ain’t allowed to use lots of money to get more.

Do you see how red he is? Come on, you would be a strawberry too if you lost control of nine hundred million dollars. That is a good amount of money. I wouldn’t want to loose hold of it either y’all.

“How could Leila do this to me? Now I can’t eat. Roscoe, I’ll waste away into nothingness. How can she do this? My own wife. How? I mean really! She is supposed to support and love me,” JD Hogg said.

“Yeah,” Roscoe said, nodding sharply. Suddenly his eyes shifted back and forth. Roscoe’s shoulder’s lowered. “Ain’t you a little chubby to be supported?”

“ROSCOE! Don’t you test me boy.”

“I’m sorry little fat buddy. You know, you have got to relax a little bit.” Roscoe pinched Boss’ right cheek. JD began to slap him like he was in the middle of a girl fight.

“Don’t touch my cheeks.” Roscoe stopped. He clenched his fists and bent his elbows.

“Boss, I don’t know how you can get the money back I am stumped.”

“Roscoe, you are a stump.” Boss shakes his head. He begins to pace once again. “I have got to think, how can I get his money?”

“Well you wouldn’t want my opinion seeing as I am a stump.” Boss Hogg shook his head.

“Well even a stump has an opinion.”

“Say sorry then.”

“For what?”

“Calling me a stump.”

“I am SORRY for calling you a stump.”

“And…?”

“And what?”

“Apologize for calling Flash a worthless mutt. She ain’t a worthless mutt and she never will be. I love that wonderful pooch, Khee.” Boss rolled his eyes. He would never take that back. Then again, he knew Roscoe wouldn’t speak unless that happened.

“I am sorry for calling Flash an insignificant worthless pathetic mutt.”

“That’s better.”

“Good, glad you think so.”

“Well I was goanna say, you won’t get his money. Unless you are him you will never get it. Then I thought that would make you mad.” Roscoe closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t wanna look at Boss and I don’t blame him. When Boss Hogg didn’t respond, you better believe that ol Roscoe looked up.

“Roscoe, you’re brilliant. I’ll be him.”

“Ah how are ya goanna accomplish that if he is he and you are you?”

“Simple, I’ll kidnap him.”

“How are you goanna kidnap him if he knows you?”

“I ain’t personally goanna kidnap him, I’ll get someone else to do it.” Roscoe nods as a smile of clarity rolls across his face.

“I get it! You will dress like him and get the money Khee, I am so smart.”

“Good work Roscoe, nice plan. We’ll stop the digging of the hospital…well after they choose the site. We can make my brother look bad and I will get the glory by using the money to buy a small clinic instead. Then I’ll keep the rest for myself.”

“Goo-ja-ja, great idea Boss.”

“You better keep your hound over at the courthouse or I’ll be ruined.”

“I get my cut?”

“Of course now, 50% of 50% of 50%.” Roscoe counted on his fingers.

“So that fifty percent of fifty of fifty more—is umm…”

“It is quite easy, just you keep working on it y’hear? Don’t worry, you’ll get it soon enough.”

“Are you sure Boss, I really want to know how much I am getting.”

“You will know soon enough. Now, you get back there and do what you do best.”

“Yes sir.”

“That’s a good sheriff.”

“Thank you little fat buddy. You are the best one that ever lived.” Roscoe pinched his cheeks again. Boss’s eyes tightened but he took it, hoping that Roscoe would leave.

“You’re very welcome Roscoe.”

“I’ll be going now.”

“Alright, you have fun out there.” Boss cleared his throat. He pushed his bow tie up carefully. Old Boss Hogg put on a very weak grin. “Enjoy catching the bad guys.”

“I sure will Boss.”

“Good man.”

“Bah bye now Boss. You have a great day too.” As Roscoe left, Boss opened up his cabinet. He pulled out about fifty chocolate bars. Dang, I couldn’t eat that many in a day. However, that can only mean one thing, Boss Hogg was back to his normal self. Boss smiled.

“This is a good day in deed. I will get that money and maybe take that wife of mine on a cruise. Maybe that will turn her around. She might start to love me enough to keep out of my hair.” Boss Hogg nodded sharply. “Wouldn’t hurt me none either huh?” He began to laugh.

Now if you don’t think this is bad, you ain’t watchin’ close enough are ya? Believe me when I say we have a situation on our hands. Boss Hogg is definitely about to do something extremely fanatical and over excited too. Yes, I don’t think it is goanna end too soon.

Hang on folks, this’ll be a tough go around. I mean it, especially with phony DJ Hogg on the scene. Hopefully the Dukes can manage this one. I hope they can, don’t you?

4

Plans were set and a site was proclaimed. Can you believe that it would be twenty miles from the Boar’s Nest? Not a bad location if you ask me. Those guys that exchanged blows could go right to the hospital. Pretty slick decision on Jesse Duke’s part—well at least I think so. Besides, the land was for sale.

You know the nice thing about Hazzard? Everyone was willing to help out with the building. With the skills of the town behind them, this would be a great looking building. The folks of Hazzard really do love to build things.

I truly believe that all will learn to draw closer together regardless of differences. That is another thing that DJ Hogg is doing for this people. They now all have a common goal which is nice to see. I know that like any place there have been scrapes over girls and such.

DJ decided it would be entertaining to go out again with Luke. This time, they would go and really look at the countryside. A break from all of the building stresses. You know, just to take it easy for just a spell. Luke thought that it was a magnificent suggestion.

Hazzard looked gorgeous at this time of year. The wild flowers were unfolding all around them. That’s the one thing I love folks. I really love gazing at each and every one of the fabulous flourishing flowers. It jogs everyone’s memory that there is magnificence and wonderment in the world.

Many colors stood out amongst them. The larger red flowers had golden yellow centers. There were tiny white ones all around them. The purple flowers resembled very tiny daisies. The green leaves of these wonderful flowers pushed their way to stand out.

The crops were just starting to grow. You could see those light green pieces sticking out. The corn wasn’t too high but it was nice enough to see. The life within them was amazing. DJ started to appreciate Hazzard for all of its beauty.

The birds flew back and forth. They seemed to know where they were going. Each bird seemed to have their own conversation with other ones. They were busy with their daily routines. Some hid in the trees while others made themselves apparent on the road. Luke played the Dixie horn to get them to move.

“You get to see this every day. What a lucky young man you are,” DJ announced. He took off his hat, placing it on his lap.

“Well, not everyone is as fortunate I guess. I never thought about it like that,” Luke replied. He turned onto another dirt road.

“Well you know Luke, when you live in the city, you don’t see this much beauty. You see crime and horrible sights. I love it here.”

“I’m very glad you do.”

“I am just pleased you realize how much of a blessing this truly is. Look at the people here. They are wonderful. They all help with everything.”

“Yes, that is one thing I do love about Hazzard County.”

“It is a nice place. I guess it is a place where people may bump into trouble but still seem to keep their values. I love that.” Luke nodded. A smile rolled across his face.

He remembered a time where he was not all that happy. He was living on the base and didn’t feel complete. I think there is something in a Duke that reaches for Hazzard County. Like they are looking for the deep wonderful roads; well that’s just my thinking I guess.

As they were driving, Luke noticed someone following behind them. Yep, I see him too. I am looking at a blue Chrysler minivan. You know, the ones with the doors on both sides. Combination locks on the side doors. Yep, that van. It was trailing them pretty good too.

Luke had to make clear in his mind though before he made any assumptions. After all, assuming something makes a moron out of you and me. Luke was anything but a moron. He knew that if he had assumed something, Uncle Jesse would have tanned his hide.

So Luke shook his head and heaved an enormous sigh. He turned on his signal light. Now it was time to wait and see if the van did the same. If it did then Luke knew that they were following pretty closely behind. If they didn’t, well, they could be following.

Sure enough, he did the same. However, Luke still wasn’t convinced. He needed one more piece of evidence. I mean come on, he’s a Duke boy after all. Luke has got a good head on his shoulders.

Instead of turning left like the light said, he continued going straight. The van followed his every move. Luke swallowed hard. He knew he had to get out of this one and fast.

“What is wrong?” DJ asked.

“Well I really don’t feel all that great right now DJ. You see, when bad things happen, us Dukes are normally in the middle. That time is now. We’s being followed,” Luke replied.

“What? Are you sure?” Luke nodded softly. DJ straightened up and looked back over at the youthful Luke. “I wonder what he wants.”

“I ain’t stickin’ around to find out. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Luke, I am not in objection. Do whatever you can to get away from them.” Luke began to speed up. He pulled all sorts of Hazzard tricks trying to keep this van off their tail.

“Dang it, the van is keeping up.” Luke shook his head. Nothing he seemed to do would work! What was in trouble and he knew it. DJ was still hopeful but sometimes even that can be lost.

“Can’t you shake him?” Luke shook his head no. He shrugged; perplexed by the speed the van was pulling. “Are you sure, Luke? Aren’t there any other tricks that could be pulled? After all you are a first class driver.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You’re doing good.”

“That’s but it ain’t making me feel good that a minivan is catching up to me.”

“Don’t let pride catch up with you or you will never get anywhere.”

“I’ll try to remember that.” Luke sighed as he leaned in closer to the steering wheel. He looked almost as if he were in a mound of thick fog. He shook his head with an angry smile on his face. “I think it has got a different engine.”

“What makes you think that?”

“No van I have ever driven kept up to the General like that. It has got to be a hot engine.”

“Luke if we get caught…”

“DJ, if we get caught you say nothing. Let me do all the talking, you hear me?”

“Yes, you are coming in loud and clear.”

“I don’t want you to say anything that would get you shot or hurt, ya understand?”

“Of course I do, Luke.”

“Good, now, you stay in that seat belt because this is goanna be a rough ride.” Luke continued to drive as fast as he could. They were still gaining on him. DJ sighed, he didn’t know what to do or say.

Now there was shooting behind him. Now folks, when someone shoots, don’t ya think it is hard to drive? Uh huh, Luke was swerving to miss the bullets. There was no way that they would be able to deal with this much longer.

Yep I was right, somehow they shot out Luke’s tire. There was the General Lee two in the middle of the road. The Van stopped. Two men in masks got out. They were both fairly skinny and young looking.

“Reach,” one of them said as they pulled out their gun. Both DJ and Luke put their hands up.

“What is the meaning of this?” Luke asked.

“Let’s just call it an intervention.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just get out of the car.”

“Yes sir, you don’t have to shout you know.”

“Shut up!” Luke and DJ did as the man said. This ain’t looking too good for the Duke boys. General Lee don’t look good sitting out there by his lonesome—especially with his usual driver in the van. Now friends, I don’t like to see young Luke in jeopardy do you?

5

Cooter was driving along when he saw General Lee two sitting in the focal point of the dirt road. Of course he stopped. Cooter really loves the Duke cars. He loves making parts for them. He loves having them around. They are both very faithful vehicles.

At first, Cooter looked around the car. As he saw the bullet marks in the back, he knew that Luke was in trouble. He shook his head. Cooter knew that he needed reinforcements. There is only a select force he would call in.

“Breaker one, breaker one I might be crazy but I will never be dumb, Crazy Cooter coming at ya. I am looking for some Dukes. Are there any around on the Hazzardnet come on?” Cooter began over the CB.

“This is Shepard calling Crazy C, what’s up come back?” Jesse replied. Cooter shook his head.

“Well if you think an empty bullet hole of the General Lee ain’t a problem then I’ll leave you a 10-4 and get lost.”

“Cooter, have you looked around the area?”

“Dead and dirty except something was dropped here—this is Luke’s lucky penny.”

“Now Cooter, I have to get a hold of lost sheep two at school. Luke being missing is more important. We’ll leave Bo Peep at the kiddie farm.”

“Why Bo Peep, Shepard? She’s good on any case. A real lethal weapon if you know what I mean. You should bring her in. That is my personal opinion anyway. We could use all the help we can get, come back.”

“Negative, Crazy Cooter, we will leave her in there.”

“You’re goanna make Bo Peep an angry lady Shepard if you leave her out. This lost sheep is close to her too. You need to bring her in the party.”

“Daisy’s good where she is. Bo was sleeping through it anyway. Now you grab hold of General Lee two and drag his shell back to the garage.”

“Oh that is a 10-4 sir.”

“10-4 Cooter and out.”

“That’s a 10-4 on my end too Uncle Jesse—err I mean Jesse, I am out.” As Cooter was about to put his CB receiver down, sure enough, someone else wanted to talk.

“Can I get a break-one-oh with a Crazy Cooter before he throws off that dial?” Dodger asked over the CB. Now for those who don’t speak CB slang let me tell ya what that one means. He wants to talk to Cooter. Now, I know, he could have just said it but what fun would that be?

“Breaker one, breaker one I am crazy but ain’t really all that dumb, Crazy Cooter comin’ at ya, the bears ain’t here so quit hiding the beer. Now what can I do for ya brother, come back.”

“I just had a thought. Can you pick up some groceries when ya get back in down?”

“Groceries, you want groceries?”

“That is a positive on your description, we’re out of beef.”

“You’re kidding me right?”

“Well—umm, no. I wanna make a roast tonight with a side of steak. I have the steak but no roast.”

“Ya better be kidding. We have a situation on our hands and you’re calling about Beef?”

“I figured if I am goanna worry I should eat while I do it.”

“Uh huh.” Cooter rolled his eyes. He shook his head. Dodger didn’t work well under pressure and I mean that in the nicest way.

“Well.”

“Well what?”

“Are you goanna get me some beef? I want a good dinner. I have had enough macaroni and cheese to fill up a truck. If I have one more box of it I am goanna burst. So what do you say Cooter? Will you help your brother?”

“Bullet Dodger, you are beyond help.”

“Am not.”

“Okay fine, let me rephrase this. You’re in town lazy bum.”

“So?”

“So you are closer to the store than I am.”

“I’m working.”

“So am I, Bullet Dodger.”

“What are you saying?”

“I am giving you the big heave hoe so 10-4.”

“Bye now.” Cooter put down his CB receiver.

“Man my brother is one lazy man. I wonder if he knows how to go to the bathroom by himself.” Cooter shook his head. “Oh well, I guess even puppies can be trained.”

Now I wonder what is going on with Luke and DJ. The fact that they have been kidnapped should speak for itself but still. I really wanna know what is going on. I guess we’ll have to wait and find out huh? Oh well, here we go—another Hazzard adventure.

6

Well the meeting was happening around 12:30 PM. You know, after Jesse got Bo to get here. Now they were sitting in the garage on crates. Well all except Dodger. That boy couldn’t stay still for a minute when he was worried.

Dodger was working under one of the police cars that had come in. I tell ya folks, those Dukes sure bring Cooter some good business. I am impressed by their efforts to help their friend.

Well back to the object at hand or the person rather. Luke Duke was missing—along with Dale-John Hogg. Now, who would wanna take them? Well we know that but the Dukes ain’t as quick as we are—nah, they’re faster. However, they can’t be in all places at once.

“So, I find General Lee two, Luke’s car of choice, sitting there filled with bullet holes. Now I’m tellin’ ya, that is pretty low,” Cooter commented.

“Of course it is,” Bo replied.

“I just don’t understand why that would happen. Who would wanna take Luke prisoner?” Jesse questioned.

“So said it was Luke they’s after?”

“I don’t think it is Luke they’s after.” Everyone moved their crates closer.

“Who do you think…?” Suddenly, they heard the tires of a car skid. Everyone stood up and walked out to the entrance. I know who it is. Come on, look at the car, that’s Dolly. Daisy jumped out of the jeep. She pushed her hair back and looked at her Uncle Jesse.

“What is going on?” Daisy asked.

“Going on?” Uncle Jesse questioned.

“I go to meet Bo for lunch and he doesn’t show up. I go and ask one of the people in his class where he is. They tell me he was pulled out of class for a family emergency.”

“Now Daisy…”

“Which I thought was interestin’ seeing as I am PART of the family.”

“Daisy…”

“So maybe it involves me I think. So what do I do? I get in Dolly and I start to drive home. While being chased by Enos for speeding. Now I have to loose Enos and try to get to the Farm.”

“You see Daisy…”

“I find out no one is there. So I think to myself, where is the next place they would go?”

“Daisy…”

“I think, Hazzard Garage.”

“Daisy…!”

“So I drive all the way up here to find even the Davenports have been invited to this meeting. I’m so mad I could spit. Somebody better let me know what’s going on.” Cooter laughed.

“I told you so Uncle Jesse,” Cooter commented.

“First of all, I ain’t your Uncle Jesse. Second of all, I knew it would happen too,” Jesse replied.

“So what is going on?” Daisy asked.

“Well, Luke and DJ have been kidnapped,” Bo replied.

“Oh my goodness! Why would they kidnap Luke?”

“Simple, he was in the car, they’re after DJ and his money. I figured something like this would happen.”

“Why do you say that, Bo?” Dodger inquired.

“Simple, DJ is building a hospital. Now who is the one person who would take DJ’s money?”

“Boss Hogg,” Everyone said at the same time.

“I get it. I have known this man since we was sixteen. I know that JD would do anything to get his hands on money. Now what we have to do is find them,” Jesse announced.

“I’m afraid the situation is more severe than that,” Bo cut in.

“What do you mean?”

“Ain’t Boss Hogg and DJ Hogg identical twins?”

“Of course they are.” There was a look of clarity on Jesse’s face. He looked at Daisy who also got the idea. “Yep, he’s goanna cancel the dedication and take his cheque back.”

“That’s right and when he does…”

“It’ll make DJ look bad,” Daisy added.

“Then he will do something to make himself look good like build a more expensive medical building in its place,” Cooter said.

“Yeah where they’ll charge and arm and a leg for the care.”

“We got to stop them!” Bo nodded. Daisy crossed her right leg over her left.

“What are we goanna do though? We can’t prove that Boss Hogg is holding his brother.”

“No we can’t,” Dodger added.

“Well actually I think we can,” Jesse replied.

“What do you mean?”

“There are two ways. One, we need to get the real Dale-John Hogg to come over here.”

“Jesse, I am sorry to be a spoil sport but the dedication is today. Knowing Boss I think he hid them pretty good.”

“I know that Dodger. Look, I think number two will work better. We need Flash. That hound is the only one that can truly tell them apart.”

“Uncle Jesse, that’s brilliant,” Cooter exclaimed.

“I ain’t your Uncle Jesse.”

“Okay, here’s how we’re goanna do it. Daisy, go back to school.”

“Uncle Jesse…” Daisy began.

“Child, we need it to look like…”

“Don’t pull that card Uncle Jesse. I am going with Bo. We’s goanna find Luke and DJ.”

“Fine, you two look for them. Cooter and Dodger, you get your hands on Flash. I know there will be someone there trying to keep her but you bring her back.”

“You can count on us Un—umm Mr. Duke,” Cooter replied.

“What are you goanna do Uncle Jesse?” Bo questioned.

“Simple kid, I am goanna stall that dedication beginning like it has never been stalled,” Jesse replied.

“Are you sure you can do that?”

“Boy I have been stalling before you were even born. I have been on more Hazzard adventures than you ever will.”

“Sorry sir.”

“Just don’t question me, you got it? I know what I am doing.”

“Yes sir.”

“Alright now, that’s better. Now, everyone get out of here. Don’t make me ask twice. I am still young enough to tan each one of your hides.”

“Yes sir, you got it.”

“Well then skedaddle!” Everyone began to move. Come on, its Uncle Jesse of course they’re goanna listen. It is out of respect. Alright! Now this is a Duke adventure that I’ll stick around for.

7

Six men walked into the courthouse. For all those who don’t recognize the uniforms well, take a real close look. These are those hire a cop people. Now I bet you’re wondering, who would take these men into service? Well Boss Hogg.

“Now, y’all may think this is a weird task I am about to ask but I am the Boss and you will listen to me,” Boss Hogg began. He began to walk down to the cells. “I have a prisoner who was a witness in a crime.” He pointed to a cell with Flash sitting on a red pillow. “You will keep my prisoner comfortable and feed it…”

“Sir, that’s a dog,” One of the men commented. Boss Hogg pulled off his white hat and hit the man with it.

“I ain’t blind. Look, you will keep it comfortable. Feed it…” Boss rolled his eyes. “Feed her doggy num-nums every few hours. Don’t wake her.”

“Does this cute hound have a name?” Boss walked closer to the cage. Flash began barking. He backed up. “Yes, mutt.” Flash barked again. “Alright, alright—her name is Flash. Now, don’t let anyone down here…not even me until after…” Boss looked at his watch. “After four o’clock. Got it?”

“Yes sir.”

“Don’t use any guns though. If I hear that you shot someone then you will never work again. Do you understand that? Absolutely no guns.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Good, now I have to go.” Boss walked out of the room. Now ain’t that slick? Six guards. I wonder what he would get to protect his own hide if he were in danger.

You are probably wondering where all the Dukes are hiding. I would too if I were you. The Dukes are after all very interesting people. No, I’m not biased because I am their friend. You see, they are all working on something to get Luke back. Each one of them is on their own little mission.

Well, Jesse’s already on site. He is pulling a few good tricks. First off, he decided to do a little mechanic work of his own. Jesse plugged the microphone into his own device—a sound board that allowed him to control what came out of the speakers. Now folks that is pretty slick.

You see, the interesting thing about Jesse Duke was that he was in charge of the program itself. So, when he asked for something to happen it would happen. What do you think he was goanna do? Well, talk to Enos of course.

Enos too was helping onsite. He wanted to make everything wonderful. “Enos, just the man I was lookin’ fer,” Jesse announced.

“Really Uncle Jesse?” Enos questioned. Now did you hear what Enos just called him. Uh huh, Uncle Jesse. Now Jesse has enough people calling him that. There’s the reason he didn’t want everyone calling him that. Jesse’s was about to say something on what Enos called him but decided it wouldn’t be a good idea.

“Yes, really.”

“Gosh, what do you want me for?”

“I was wonderin’ if you could do me a big favor.”

“Sure, anything for the Duke family and for sweet Daisy. She is so kind Heh, heh!”

“Daisy is part of the Duke family boy.” Enos blushed. He didn’t mean to single her out. He grabbed his hat and hid his face. “Never mind that Enos. I want you to say an opening prayer.”

“Are you sure you want me to do it? I mean I get worried if I miss something.”

“Nonsense Enos, everything is goanna be fine. You will do perfect. Besides, who better to say a prayer than the lead choir boy in church.” Enos’ eyes went really large. He smiled and his whole face lit up.

“Yes sir, I sure do pride myself on my singing voice. I ain’t the lead choir boy though. That would be Bo and Luke. They’s got good voices.”

“Well you’re lead in my mind.”

“Thanks Uncle Jesse.”

“You’re welcome. So will you do it?”

“Yes sir, I sure will Uncle Jesse sir.”

“Thanks Enos.”

“You’re welcome.” Doesn’t sound like a distraction? Well you will see how it is later. Trust me folks, Enos is a big part of Unc—err Jesse’s plan. “Now I have to make a phone call. So I will see you tonight.”

“Okay Uncle Jesse.”

“Bye now Enos.”

“See you tonight Jesse.” Enos strolled over to talk to Miss Tizdale who was in a hard hat. Jesse walked away from where he was. He pulled out his cell phone.

“Hello Audrey, this is Jesse Duke. I have something I want you to do for me.” Okay, no more phone conversation for you. Otherwise I would ruin the surprise of it all.

Let’s move onto Luke. After all, you wanna know what is going on with him. I would if I were you. They have been kidnapped after all. DJ and Luke are sitting in Boss’ coffin shop. Not a smart place to put them is it?

Oh well, DJ and Luke didn’t know the difference considering they were tied up, blindfolded and gagged. Well another interesting fact, DJ was in his underwear. You figured out what they’s doing with Dale-John’s clothes yet?

Boss Hogg walked in the coffin factory. Why do you think he was here? Well to make sure his other hired “Professionals” did their job of course. As he saw Luke Duke across from his brother, he stormed out and walked over to them.

“I specifically said for you to kidnap Dale-John Hogg. I wanted him to be held here until after four o’clock. I know that is what I said. Now here sits Luke. Luke who has a family of trouble stirrers. Now what is going on here Roger?” Boss Hogg asked.

“Boss, I had to grab him too otherwise he would have gone back to the Dukes and…” Roger began.

“You are an idiot!”

“I did my best Boss.”

“You should have put him somewhere else. That way they would have been looking for him while I was helping.”

“You mean pretending to help.”

“Whatever. Now there is trouble brewing for me. You probably left their fool car there.”

“Well we couldn’t exactly put it in the back of the minivan.” Boss Hogg rolled his eyes.

“Well that was why I hired two of you. One to kidnap him and one to drive whatever he was driving away.”

“Look Jed had to keep an eye on the boys.”

“Why didn’t you just club them in the head and then drive the Duke’s fool car and stash it?” Boss rolled his eyes. “Oh never mind. I don’t have time to think about what ifs. Now, I have clothes to get into.” There you have it.

Now where’s Bo and Daisy? Ain’t they supposed to be looking for Luke? Well they’re trying to follow the tracks of General Lee two. The Dukes put good tires on. Of course they’s goanna know what they look like. Bo was sitting on top and Daisy was driving General Lee one.

Bo let out a wild whistle. Daisy stopped the car. He jumped off. “This ain’t goanna work. They did too many circles around to this road. Daisy, we’re goanna have to go the old fashioned route. We’s goanna have to look,” Bo commented.

“That’ll take forever,” Daisy replied.

“We need to find them. Okay, now we’ll be looking for places Boss would hide someone.”

“First we’ll check at Hazzard Mill and Hazzard junk yard. That would be the last two places they would hide him.”

“I don’t know Daisy.”

“It is sure to work.”

“Okay but I think he would hide them in different places.”

“Well we love the junk yard. So I would think it would be the last place we would look. Paper mill, Boss owns.”

“Alright, Daisy, I get your point.” Bo yawned as he went around to the other side of the General Lee. He got in. “Then we’ll look in the Hazzard Coffin Works and the Boar’s Nest.”

“I’m on it.”

“Do you think we’ll find them in time?”

“Come on, we’re Dukes, Bo. I think that we are goanna find him just when it counts.” Bo began to laugh. He shook his head.

“Ain’t that how it always happens Daisy?”

“Well not always but most of the time.”

“I just hope Luke’s alright.”

“Me too.”

“Well I don’t think they wanna kill them, just keep them around.”

“I hope you’re right Bo. I don’t wanna loose Luke.”

“Or DJ?”

“You got it, cousin. If we loose either one I am goanna…”

“What did Uncle Jesse say?”

“Yeah I know but…”

“Daisy?”

“For a person who is younger than me, you sure is smart.” Bo smiled and shook his head.

“You know, sometimes I hate being younger.”

“Why?”

“Think about it Daisy, you graduate next year. I still have a whole other year in school.”

“Yes I know.”

“Well school is boring. I would rather be on the Hazzard scene.”

“Bo, I would rather have you fully educated so that we both know what we’re doing.” Daisy sped up. Bo shrugged.

“You’re right.”

“Ain’t I always right?”

“Well no, you’re not always right.” Daisy began to laugh as she shook her head. “I had to tell the truth.”

“That’s what I like about you and Luke, y’all are always truthful with a person.”

“Is that why you stayed in Hazzard?”

“Nah.”

“Why then?”

“Couldn’t leave after I got here; this was too fun. I didn’t wanna miss any adventures with my favorite cousins.”

“We’re your favorite?”

“Oh yeah.” Well they’re on the right track. Its goanna take a while. Well hold on tight folks, I just hope everything turns out alright. We’ll catch up with the Davenports in a minute.

8

Here we are, the dedication is about to begin. All the people are seated around a big giant stage that was built for this very occasion. Jesse thinks of everything doesn’t he? Come on, he is a Duke.

There were hot dogs being sold to raise money for the veterinarian hospital. Cotton candy was in almost every kids hand. There were games, a whole festival right there. This was a moment to remember.

Who is the MC? Can you believe that Jesse chose Roscoe? Well I thought it was weird too. Believe me when I tell you that. I couldn’t believe that Roscoe would even want the job.

I guess JD was happy. After all, Boss was sure luck was on his side. The Dukes would probably not be able to find his brother. He was going to take the money and make the Dukes feel bad. Everything was looking good for him but as Mama told me, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

“Welcome y’all to our dedication of this new establishment. Well not the whole establishment, just the corner stone Khee. Now onto the big stuff—the blessing on the stone itself. Done by Enos Strait,” Roscoe began.

Enos walked onto the small stage. “Dear lord, thank you for thy bountiful blessings. Thank you for Miss Tizdale, for her strength. Thank you for allowing her to deliver the mail. For it is that letter that allowed DJ to find out about his dearly departed Uncle. We thank you for taking care of this Uncle as he made his trip to heaven. Thank you that he left his money to the right person. Thank you for the invention of money so that we may use it to do good things. We bless Luke Duke for driving DJ to the farm allowing the Dukes to give him council…”

Ah folks, this is goanna take a while. Let’s check on the Davenports shall we? Well, as you can see, outside there are two of the hired police. They are keeping guard. There are two more on the main level and downstairs two more. Not a bad set up.

The Davenports are goanna be in for one heck of a surprise. I bet you’s wondering, how in the world are they goanna get past them. Come on, they may not be Dukes but Davenports have tricks up their sleeves. Cooter rubbed his hands together as he looked at Dodger.

They looked at the trunk they had sitting in their place. Well when the drama society wanted to fumigate, Cooter offered to keep their clothes here. Good thing huh? They pulled in the back and grabbed these outfits. What crazy outfits they were.

Dodger wore a dark black jacket. It had gold and red attached to the shoulder. By the neckline, there was also a ruby and gold color on them. He wore a black army like hat. Dodger had a gold sash. On top of the uniform he wore, Dodger had fake metals everywhere. There was a sword attached to it as well.

Now, I bet you’re wondering what all this is about. Simple, there is no way that they can get in without getting rid of each set of guards. So, Dodger was our actor and these poor guards were in for a big surprise.

The first guard, Thomas, was standing there relaxing on the rock-solid brick wall. He was having a cigarette with the second guard, Franklin. “All this to care for a pooch? I don’t know what this man is thinking. Do you think he is as screwy as I think he is?” Franklin questioned.

“Hey, we’re all being paid. What does it matter? A job is a job. I would rather be rewarded for watching an animal than have no job at all, Franklin. Boss Hogg is paying real good money to watch a dumb dog,” Thomas replied. Franklin sighed.

“Yeah I guess so. Still, it bugs me. He thinks people are going to come after this dog.”

“Well who cares how crazy he is?”

“I suppose, I just want to finish this job and get my butt home.”

“I hear ya.” They both took a drag of their cigarettes and let the smoke roll out of their mouths. This is about the time when Dodger walked over. He was quite the sight and I mean that in the nicest way folks. I tell you, he would have been really hard to miss.

“I say, have you spotted Boss Hogg in this region by chance?” Dodger asked, in his best British accent. If you are wondering what is going on, so am I.

“Boss Hogg is probably where everyone else is now, get on,” Franklin commented.

“Oh dear chap, that is no way to make the acquaintance of a gentlemen. I trust the fags are getting to your head.”

“What did you call me?”

“Dear Sir, a fag in my country is a cigarette. I mean no offence by my terminology. It was simply a misinterpretation from the United States gobbledygook slang to our supplementary highly developed use of dialect.”

“Huh?” Thomas questioned. Okay, even I didn’t catch what he said. Did you?

“How do I simplify this? Our use of English is far more superior to yours.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused.” I think Dodger is having too much fun. Considering he lives in the United States of America and he speaks more slang than both of them—well you do the math.

“No, I am saying you’re the one who is being rude.”

“How is it bad-mannered to articulate the legitimacy of the situation? I for one am glad I speak truths all the time.”

“What truths are those?”

“Americans have become boorishly lazy.”

“Okay that’s it! You wanna go?”

“Go where?”

“Do you wanna fight me?”

“What you are trying to point toward would be an exchange blows with me. Well good sir, I accept.” Thomas walked down. Cooter jumped up and punched Franklin in the face hard.

“What the…”

“Welcome to America sir, land of the free and home of the brave. Believe me brother, I am full American,” Dodger said in his normal voice. He punched Thomas.

“You sir don’t play fair. Who is that up there?” Thomas asked as Cooter jumped down.

“Can I elaborate Dodge?” Cooter questioned.

“Sure be my guest,” Dodger replied.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“I might be crazy.” Cooter punched Thomas in the face. He went to punch him again but Thomas blocked it. “I sure ain’t dumb.” Thomas charged at Cooter. He kicked him in the stomach. Cooter got right back up after being booted in his chest. “I am CRRRAZY Cooter and I am coming to ya live.”

“Yeah! Give it to him bro!”

“I am a Davenport.” Cooter gave Thomas an upper cut. “There may be only two of us in Hazzard but we are here.” Cooter did a round kick and finally knocked him out. “Dodger, I’ll let you do the honors of tying them up. I am goanna get in my costume.”

“Sure thing Cooter, I always was a better scout than you.”

“Hey.”

“Not now Cooter, you need to get into costume. You better let me take the next ones.”

“And you better change back into normal clothes. Well so we can do the same thing again.”

“They’ll all be beat soon huh?”

“Oh yeah, you had better believe it. We Davenports will not rest until we get the fair canine.”

“Yes, Flash will be our inspiration.”

“Okay, that’s a little bit too off topic. Now let’s get back to business, shall we?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Now they’re smart cookies ain’t they? I guess we’ll have to see more in a minute huh? So hold on folks, this is goanna get interesting.

9

Daisy and Bo finally got to the coffin factory. “Alright Bo, I am now eating my words, you’re right,” Daisy commented. Well I had no doubts did you? Bo ain’t exactly a stupid person. He’s got it down to a science this whole save the day thing.

“It doesn’t matter who was right as long as we got here. So Daisy, what’s the plan to get in?” Bo replied.

“Simple. We’ll take the rope I put in the back and shoot it up with an arrow. You climb up and save the day.”

“Alright, I don’t think you noticed but they have guns.”

“I did notice.”

“So you want me to go in and attack two men with guns. Daisy, that’s suicide.”

“Well actually, I will be up in the trees shooting off dynamite arrows to make them come out here then you untie Luke and DJ.”

“Okay, I get the drill.”

“Then get a move on Bo and don’t drop anything.” Bo shook his head and laughed.

“Are you kidding me? I ain’t dropped any of my arrows ever.”

“Well fine then but don’t fall alright?”

“Okay, Daisy or should I say mother.”

“Just get moving.”

“Okay.”

“See ya on the flip side Bo.” He walked to the back of the coffin factory while Daisy hiked up a big ol tree. She had the bow and arrow set on her back. Now friends if this ain’t creative then I don’t know what is.

Daisy rubbed her hands together after she found a good place to sit in the tree. She wiggled her bum a little just to make sure she wouldn’t fall out. Daisy smiled. “Perfect,” She commented.

Daisy sighed softly to herself. She took out her pocket knife and cleared a few branches so the shots would be just right. You see, if the branches caught any of the dynamite arrows well…Daisy wouldn’t have much time to get out of the tree before it blew.

Now folks, this was goanna be a party. Back inside, the men were filling up their guns with bullets. Luke was still struggling to get free. These men tied a pretty fair knot. I mean almost impossible for Luke to get out. He couldn’t even reach his pocket knife. Bo sat up in the rafters waiting for the men to get out of there.

As Daisy shot off two dynamite arrows, those men made their way out to find out just what was going on. They ran out incredibly flabbergasted by the events that were going on. Daisy shot off a few more. They spotted General Lee and walked towards it hoping that’s where the arrows came from.

When they couldn’t find Daisy, the men shot out all four of the General’s tires. Now as you can tell, there would be a problem getting back to the hospital site without wheels to drive on. Daisy shook her head.

Luke and Dale-John walked out slowly. Luke and Bo snuck up behind the two men and punched them both in the face. The men retaliated by hitting back. Don’t worry, this next blow Bo and Luke make will knock them out. See? They hit the ground.

Dale-John picked up the ropes that they were tied up with. He brought them out to Bo and Luke who in turn tied these two up. They carried the baddies back to the barn and put them on separate levels of the coffin factory.

Daisy climbed down from the tree. She joined the other Dukes. “Nice work cousins, I am glad you got us. You know why we were kidnapped right?” Luke questioned.

“Well yeah, Boss wants DJ’s money,” Bo replied.

“We better get to the General and…”

“General’s out of order,” Daisy cut in.

“What?”

“His tires have been shot out.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” Luke shook his head. He paced back and forth. “How in the world are we goanna get back there in time?”

“Luke, I have an idea,” Dale-John commented.

“What?”

“Ride horses.”

“Where are we goanna get horses?” Dale-John pointed behind them. There were nine ebony black horses sitting behind the coffin factory.

“Those were going to be a surprise for Jacob-Daley when I left to go back to Quebec. For his funeral home.”

“You are a genius!”

“Yes, sometimes I surprise myself.”

“Still with the horses we won’t get there in time.”

“Uncle Jesse is playing damage control. Trust me, we will get there in time,” Bo cut in.

“You sure Bo?”

“It’s Uncle Jesse.”

“Alright, saddle up.” Well it is nice to see country boys slide back into their roots. I think this might turn out. Good luck Duke Boys—good luck DJ Hogg.

10

Back over at the hospital grounds, Enos was finishing his prayer. “May no one have to use the hospital—and I say these humbly in the name of Jesus Christ amen,” Enos finished.

“AMEN!” The crowd screamed. Roscoe walked back to the microphone. He yawned and the crowd laughed.

“Thank you Enos for that amazing…” Roscoe began. Suddenly some horns went off. You remember that phone call Jesse made to Audrey? Well this is Audrey’s trailer. The back and purple one that has all the interesting horns; that’s Audrey’s trailer for you. Inside is her dancing girls.

Well they’re coming out now doing back flips. Audrey turns on the music from the bus. The girls begin to dance around. “This is a party, I thought we would start acting like it is one,” Audrey said from her speakers. The girls began pulling men up and dancing with them.

“Alright freeze!” Roscoe said as the girls come near him. Roscoe begins to shake his hips to the music. All the girls are making him dance. “I mean it now, ah Oooo, umm, freeze.”

“Hi Roscoe!” One of the girls shouts.

“You dance well,” Another one tells him.

“Oooh, really?” Roscoe asks.

“Yes, really.” Now if you know anything about Audrey’s routine for dance, it take a good half an hour. After Enos’ prayer, everyone is thrilled to be up and dancing, believe me.

Meanwhile, the Dukes and DJ were racing against time to get back over to where they were supposed to be. “Hey DJ, you’re pretty good at riding a horse considering you’s a city boy,” Bo called out.

“Well Bo I may be a city boy but I won many championships with my horses. We had a stable and everything.”

“I never knew that about you.”

“I guess you learn something everyday.” They continued riding. Daisy and Luke sighed. DJ smiled as he sped up a little. “What’s wrong you two?”

“We were just thinking about what Boss Hogg did to ya. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you never came back to Hazzard again because of him,” Luke grumbled.

“Yeah, he snookered you—tried to take your money. I think that is real low,” Daisy added.

“If Vance did that to me, I don’t think I would ever want to be around him.”

“I couldn’t even think of anyone doing it to me. My step-brothers are such nice people. If they ever did that, I don’t think I could talk to them.” Dale-John laughed as he shook his head.

“What’s so funny?”

“Well think about it Luke, that was the last thing I expected to come out of a Duke’s mouth,” Dale-John replied. Daisy and Luke’s heads lowered as if on command. “Oh don’t worry too much about it. We’re all human.”

“What keeps you from high tailing it out of here?” Daisy asked.

“Simple, I love it here and I love my brother.”

“After all he has done?”

“Yes, after all he has done.” Luke and Daisy looked at each other. They didn’t really understand. “Take your Uncle Jesse. He has been friends with Jacob-Daley since they were sixteen. Well both friends and enemies.”

“I don’t see what this has to do with us,” Luke mumbled.

“Don’t you get it Luke? Think about it…unconditional love. It means to accept them for whom and what they are,” Bo announced.

“How would you know?”

“Coy ticks me right off. I can’t stand him. We fight all the time.”

“Yeah I know that, Bo.”

“Well what you don’t know is that I still love him. If he were in trouble I would give up anything to help him. I would even give up my Richard Petty NASCAR necklace Grandpa gave me.”

“You never would do that.”

“If it meant saving him—you better believe I would. I would do the same for anyone of you. I would cut off my left arm before I would let you get hurt.”

“Bo is wise beyond his years. You still have a wild streak in ya but I think you’ll round out nicely,” DJ cut in. You know I like DJ Hogg, he is a really nice person. Well stick around folks, we’re almost through.

It had been a few hours. The boys arrived just as JD Hogg was about to give his speech. Luke stood up. “Now hold it right there, Boss Hogg!” Luke exclaimed.

“You are stopping progress,” Boss replied in his French accent. Bo and Luke laughed and sighed.

“You ain’t DJ Hogg anymore than I am Roscoe. Now, we wanna give the floor to the real DJ.” Now Dale-John got off the horse. Remember how he was in his underwear? Well, JD Hogg left his clothes there. Ain’t that slick? Now Boss Hogg looks like DJ and DJ looks like Jacob-Daley.

“No, this is my brother, Boss Hogg.”

“No, I am DJ,” Dale-John announced.

“Well I think he is wrong. I have a job to do and I am going to do it. Besides, there is no way for you to prove what you are saying.”

“Oh yes there is,” Cooter Davenport said. Dodger was carrying Flash. They walked up to the stage. Boss Hogg began backing up from that dog. Now remember, Flash hates Boss Hogg but absolutely loves ol’ DJ.

“No, Flash needs a rest and I suggest that he gets one.” Dodger wouldn’t give up. He was going prove for the last time that Boss Hogg was the one in the black suit. Flash the dog began barking the minute she got close to him. Sure enough everyone could tell the difference after that.

Well, after much snookering Boss Hogg was caught. Now DJ made his speech hoping that everyone would be treated equally in his hospital. He cut the gold ribbon and placed the corner stone with the help of the crane.

DJ Hogg didn’t say anything about what Boss did. He simply put that Boss was filling in for him which wasn’t far from the truth. Now, thanks to Dale-John Hogg they would have a hospital.

At the end of the situation, Audrey walked over to Jesse and winked at him. “See you Saturday night,” She said with a smiled. Bo and Luke stared at their Uncle. Jesse shrugged.

“Well how else do you think you boys could have gotten here on horseback?” Jesse said.

“Uncle Jesse you sly dog you,” Bo Duke commented.

“I knew Grandpa said you two was alike but I didn’t know you was this much alike,” Luke added.

“Now that will be enough of that you two. Time to go home and eat. If I hear one more word out of you two, y’all will be doing the dishes for three months,” Jesse growled. The boys stopped talking right away. Now there was a happy conclusion—then again, more like a wonderful beginning for Hazzard County.

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