The Hazzard Streak

by: Jamanda

<WARNING: THIS STORY IS RATED PG-13>

Tonight on the Dukes: When a streaker starts tearing through Hazzard County, it starts to turn some heads. But what happens when the prime suspect becomes…Daisy Duke?

Rosco and Enos are walking out of the station.

Rosco: Now Enos, you better bring in your quota of tickets for this month.
Enos: But what if there ain’t a lot of people speedin’?
Rosco: That ain’t my problem…you just bring in those tickets and…JUDAS PRIEST ON A PONY!
Enos: What?
Rosco: Don’t look!

But it’s too late. Enos turned bright red and spun back around while Rosco regained his composure.

Rosco: Jit jit…FAREEEEEEEZZZE!
Enos: Is she gone?
Rosco: Done turned the corner! Come on Enos!
Enos: Nuh uh!
Rosco: Enos! This is no time for that! We’ve got ourselves a streaker!

Rosco runs off down the road and Enos follows reluctantly.

Enos: Sometimes I hate my job…

Bo and Luke drive up to Cooter’s, but Cooter is staring off into space.

Bo: Cooter?
Luke: Cooter?
Bo: Hey Cooter!
Cooter: What? Oh. Hey ya’ll missed it!
Luke: Missed what?
Cooter: Oh man, you shoulda seen it.
Bo: Seen what?
Cooter: There I was, just checking the oil of this here T-bird, when here she comes, right across the square and in front of the courthouse, NAKED AS A JAYBIRD!
Bo: Really!? Who?
Cooter: I dunno…but it was definatly a “she”. But I couldn’t see her face.
Bo: I wouldn’t have noticed her face either if I was the one lookin’.
Luke: So uh…what did you see?
Cooter: <grins> Everything else.

The three of them grin and laugh together as Rosco comes over.

Rosco: All right. Now did any of you see that um…
Bo: Shucks Rosco…me and Luke missed it.
Cooter: I saw her though.
Rosco: Can you give a description?
Cooter: Shoot Rosco. You saw her too. Looked just like any other naked woman.
Rosco: Did you catch her hair color?
Cooter: Oh yeah. It was long brown hair.
Luke: Well that could be anybody.
Cooter: And she wore red high heels.
Bo: You remember that?
Cooter: Well I was just wonderin’ how she could run so fast in them things.
Luke: Not too hard I guess. Daisy runs in heels all…the…time.
Rosco: Ooh Oooooh! Thank you very much Luke Duke!
Luke: Wait! You know very well that couldn’t have been Daisy!
Cooter: Yeah, especially with Enos standing right there.
Bo: Enos saw it?
Rosco: For a second. He’s taking a cold shower now. I think it was a bit much for him.
Luke: Well it couldn’t have been Daisy. She’s out at the farm.
Rosco: Well, is there anyone there to confirm that?
Bo: Sure. We’ll CB her right now.

Bo goes over and gets on the CB.

Bo: This is Lost Sheep to Bo Peep. You got your ears on.
Daisy: Right here honey.
Bo: Hey, is uh, Uncle Jesse there with ya?
Daisy: No. He went to Atlanta early this morning.
Bo: Well uh…is there anyone there with ya?
Daisy: No. I’ve been the only one here since you and Luke left for town.

Bo and Luke look at each other while Rosco laughs.

Balladeer: Oh dear. I don’t think Daisy knows what’s coming.

Enos goes into the Boar’s Nest later that day, not liking what he’s there to do. Bo and Luke are over at the bar, talking to Daisy. Enos sighs and walks over.

Daisy: Hey Enos. Guess you’re here to arrest me huh?
Enos: <blushing> ‘fraid so Daisy.
Daisy: You don’t honestly believe it was me do ya?
Enos: It better not have been!
Daisy: <laughs> Oh Enos, of course it wasn’t. Which is why I’ll go ahead and go with ya.
Enos: <raises eyebrow> No runnin’?
Daisy: Nope. And if this little…event…happens while I’m in jail, well that’ll just prove it isn’t me then won’t it?
Enos: <grins> Yeah, you’re right. Well, let’s go then.

They walk out of the bar and Bo and Luke look at each other.

Bo: I still think she should’ve run for it. What if it doesn’t happen again?
Luke: It will. Streakers always come back. And I’ve heard about this one. Been showing up in different towns around here.
Bo: <grins> Well, I hope she shows up again…

Luke gives him a look.

Bo: <blushes> To uh…prove Daisy’s innocent I mean.
Luke: Sure Bo…Sure.

Enos brings Daisy’s lunch down on a tray. In a way, he’s glad she’s there, but he also doesn’t like the idea of her being accused of…the thing she’s been accused of.

Enos: Here ya go Daisy.
Daisy: Thanks Enos. Ain’t you gonna eat?
Enos: Oh I had something earlier from the Busy Bee.
Daisy: Do you always eat out?
Enos: I’m a lousy cook Daisy.
Daisy: <giggles> You need a woman to cook for ya then.
Enos: <grins and laughs> I…I know I do…I’m just waiting….for the right one you know.

Daisy giggles as Enos turns red.

Meanwhile, Bo, Luke, and Cooter are positioned at the garage, watching Rosco across the street.

Bo: What is he doing?
Cooter: He got his camera out. I guess he reckons he can identify the streaker if he’s got a good photo.
Luke: I think he just wants a photo…
Bo: Luke!
Luke: Hey…Rosco might be old, but he ain’t dead.
Cooter: <laughs> I guess not. He looks all excited.
Bo: Well he can’t believe it’s Daisy then if he’s all ready to catch her.
Cooter: Here she comes!
Luke: Who’s that with her?
Bo: It’s a guy!
Cooter: That…is obvious.
Bo: Dang it! That hat covers his face just like her hair does!
Cooter: Same red high heels though.
Luke: Is it just me? Or did that look like a sheriff’s hat?

The three of them look at each other, now that the two streakers have disappeared around the corner, Rosco running after them on foot with the camera. Rosco comes back a minute later, a stunned look on his face.

Rosco: I don’t believe it…but it hada been them…it hada been.
Bo: <running up> Did ya get a picture Rosco?
Rosco: Huh…oh yeah…I got it.
Cooter: Guess this proves it ain’t Daisy huh?
Rosco: Are you kiddin’? Didn’t you see ’em? I got the pictures to prove it.
Luke: Rosco! You can’t be serious!
Rosco: I wouldn’t have believed it myself, but I saw it with my own two beady little eyes! And I got it on film.
Luke: Come on Bo.
Bo: Where?
Luke: Back to the jail!

Bo and Luke race back to the jail with Rosco and Cooter right behind them. When they arrive, Daisy is sitting in her cell as Enos is coming out of the men’s room, buttoning up his shirt.

Balladeer: I don’t know about you, but this sure don’t look good to me.

Enos sits in the jail cell with Daisy, still confused as to why he’s in there, as Daisy has Luke explain it again.

Daisy: So there were two of them?
Luke: Yes.
Daisy: Male and female.
Bo: Very much so.
Daisy: And the girl had long brown hair and red heels.
Luke: Right. Just like the one’s you’re wearing.
Daisy: Anybody can get red heels Luke. Now this fella. What’d you make of him?
Luke: We told ya. Had nothing on but a pair of black cowboy boots and a sheriff’s hat.
Enos: <groans> Just like mine?
Bo: Just like yours.
Luke: Please tell me it wasn’t you two.
Daisy: LUKAS KENNETH DUKE YOU KNOW VERY WELL IT WASN’T!
Bo: Then why was Enos putting his shirt back on?
Enos: What? I spilled coffee on my other one and I had to change it. Then ya’ll come bustin’ in here and the sheriff threw me in here.
Daisy: But we’ve been here the whole time.
Luke: Well we believe ya, but the evidence says otherwise.
Bo: Yeah. Especially once Rosco develops those pictures.
Daisy: Pictures?
Enos: Yeah, he said he was gonna try to get a picture. He wanted me to take it but I told him I’d just stay here and keep an eye on you.
Bo: Hmmmm…take a picture of a naked lady?….keep an eye on Daisy?….
Enos: Now Bo, you know that’s a no brainer for me.

Daisy giggles at Enos, who blushes, as Rosco comes down the stairs with the photograph and Boss.

Rosco: Good news, good news, I got the evidence right here Daisy Duke. I must say, I don’t know how you talked Enos into doin’ it with ya.
Enos: Now Sheriff, you know that wasn’t me!
Rosco: You hush. I got the evidence right here.
Boss: My my, I never would have thought.
Luke: Let me see that.
Rosco: There it is, plain as day.
Bo: But you only got their backs.
Rosco: But the evidence is that hat. Now you both know that only Enos has a hat like that and he must’ve let Daisy out so they could go on their little run.
Boss: While my bank was being robbed!
Luke: The bank was robbed?
Boss: Yes! While this lamebrain <points to Rosco> was chasing this one <points to Enos> a couple of crooks broke into my bank and ran out the back door!
Rosco: So you see? It was all a diversion! Daisy here was hired to distract the law so they could rob the bank.
Enos: But Sheriff…
Rosco: Then this love-sick dipstick, oooh, that rhymes….
Boss: Oh never mind if it rhymes or not. Daisy obviously talked Enos into running around with her, to make sure he and Rosco were both distracted during the robbery.
Daisy: That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Rosco: Tell it to the judge…
Boss: I am the judge.
Rosco: Oh right. Shoot and she don’t have to tell you cuz you already know you little rascal <pinches Boss’s cheek>
Boss: <waves hand> Oh you cut that out! Now. Visiting hours are over. Everybody out.
Luke: We’ll be back.
Bo: Yeah, with the bail money.
Luke: If we can afford it.
Bo: I don’t know if I wanna tell Uncle Jesse about this.
Luke: I sure don’t…we’ll have to draw straws.

Balladeer: I wouldn’t want to tell ol’ Jesse either.

Outside of town, a young couple gets out of an old truck and meets up with Boss at the Hazzard Coffin Works.

Boss: I gotta hand it to you people. I thought framing Daisy Duke was good, but Enos as well?
Girl: It was his idea.
Guy: Couldn’t let her have all the fun.
Girl: You’re not mad are ya?
Boss: Of course not. That deputy’s too honest for his own good. Always spoils my plans. But the people like him too much for me to get rid of him.
Guy: So we did you a favor?
Boss: In a way yes. With him and Daisy both out of the picture, all my money safe with you…
Girl: Minus our cut.
Boss: Oh yeah yeah…and all that insurance money I aim to collect.
Guy: Sure was a brilliant plan Boss.
Girl: Sure was.
Boss: Now you two make yourselves scarce. And no more streaking.
Girl: (takes off wig) How would we be recognized? I’m a blond remember?
Guy: And all the blame is on them anyway.
Boss: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. You just get rid of that hat and that wig and we’ll be home free.

Balladeer: You know, I was wonderin’ if ol’ Boss was in on all this. Don’t surprise me one bit.

Meanwhile, Enos and Daisy can’t figure out what to do, as Cooter visits them at lunchtime.

Enos: I’m awful sorry ’bout this Daisy.
Daisy: Oh Enos. It ain’t your fault.
Enos: It ain’t yours either. I just wish I knew who them naked people were.
Daisy: Well it’d be awful hard to find out. There ain’t much you can tell about a person from your backside…not unless you got a birthmark or something back there.
Cooter: <raising an eyebrow> a mark or something?
Daisy: But that don’t help us none. Them backsides didn’t have any marks on ’em at all.

But Cooter just grins and looks at Enos, who suddenly looks horrified and backs away.

Enos: Oh no…oh no…you don’t mean…?
Cooter: <still grinning> Hey Sheriff!? Sheriff Rosco!?
Enos: Cooter! No!
Rosco: <coming downstairs> All right you dipstick. What do you want?
Cooter: Sheriff, if I can prove that it ain’t Enos in that picture, would that also prove that it ain’t Daisy?
Rosco: Well…if you can PROVE that it ain’t him, then I have to believe his testimony that he was in here with Daisy. He is an officer of the law.
Cooter: Which would prove it ain’t her either.
Rosco: Well yes…but Cooter, how do you aim to do that?
Enos: <shaking head> Don’t make me do it Cooter.
Cooter: Enos, you wanna get out of jail or not?
Enos: But…
Cooter: It’d get Daisy off the hook too you know.
Enos: DOH!

Enos turns bright red and buries his face in his hands while Daisy stares at him perplexed.

Cooter: Sheriff, if you would be so kind as to produce the photograph…
Rosco: Oh yeah…it’s right here.
Cooter: Now, as a witness and the taker of this here photograph…do you swear that there are no marks of any kind on…these people…in this particular area? <points to photograph>
Rosco: Of course I will…the evidence shows that.
Cooter: You hear that Daisy? He swears it.
Daisy: I did hear it…but what…?
Cooter: Now Miss Daisy…if you would be so kind as to turn around…
Daisy: What?
Enos: Turn around Daisy…please?

Daisy shrugs and turns around.

Rosco: Cooter…what are you…
Cooter: Go ahead Enos.
Enos: I ain’t ever gonna forget this.
Rosco: Enos? What are you…JIT JIT!…Oooh oooh…What the?…
Cooter: The defense rests.
Daisy: What is it?
Enos: Never you mind.
Rosco: Enos…now when did you get that?
Enos: I lost a bet okay? Swore off gamblin’ for life after that.
Rosco: Lost a bet? To who?
Cooter: Well how’d you think I knew about it? He ain’t ever told nobody else.
Enos: And nobody else is gonna hear about this either right?
Rosco: Well…only those who need to know…to prove your innocence anyway.
Daisy: Can I turn around now?
Enos: Yeah.

Daisy turns around to see Cooter with a grin (almost as big as Enos’s usually is), Rosco wide-eyed, and Enos with his face buried in his hands.

Daisy: You okay Enos?
Enos: No.
Rosco: Oh get over it you dipstick. I won’t tell nobody about your tattoo.
Enos: SHERIFF!
Rosco: Oops.
Daisy: A tattoo? Enos, you have a tattoo?

Rosco decides against letting them out of the cell at that time and runs upstairs.

Enos: ROSCO P. COLTRANE IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON YOU SHERIFF OR NOT I’M GONNA…
Daisy: Enos…

Daisy pulls him back as Cooter also laughs and runs off after Rosco.

Enos: I’ll shoot ’em both.
Daisy: Can’t be that bad. Why didn’t you tell me you had a tattoo?
Enos: It ain’t fittin’ for me to have one in the first place…
Daisy: But it did prove us innocent though…them streakers didn’t have any tattoos.
Enos: I suppose…
Daisy: I don’t suppose you’d let me see it.
Enos: Absolutly not!
Daisy: <giggles> Oh Enos.

She leans close to him and whispers in his ear. Enos turns red and nods.

Daisy: That’s where I thought it was.
Enos: Not a word to anyone about this now.
Daisy: Not a word…on one condition.
Enos: What’s that?
Daisy: What is it a tattoo of?
Enos: I ain’t tellin’…there ain’t no way I’m tellin’…
Daisy: All right then…I suppose Bo and Luke would like to know about it then…
Enos: THAT’S BLACKMAIL!
Daisy: That’s right.

Enos sighs and fidgets and finally whispers in her ear.

Daisy: The flower? Or my name?
Enos: The flower.
Daisy: You have a tattoo of a daisy on your…
Enos: HUSH!
Daisy: My goodness…you do know how to flatter a girl.

Enos turns red as Daisy snuggles up to him.

Balladeer: You know, I wonder when ol’ Rosco’s gonna let them out?

Balladeer: Well, ol’ Rosco ain’t gonna be facing Enos anytime soon, so he figured he’d better get on out there and help the Dukes find whoever it was that robbed the bank. Now ol’ Rosco didn’t know it was Boss, cuz Boss didn’t tell Rosco, cuz Rosco’d want a cut. You follow?

Rosco comes into Boss’s office as Boss is talking to a young couple.

Rosco: Oh, sorry to interrupt Boss but…
Boss: Rosco. I am in the middle of some very important business with these here young people.
Rosco: <eyeing couple> Oh…hello there.
Girl: Now Boss…about our um…deal?
Boss: Oh yeah…well you just wait on that and I’ll get back to you.
Guy: We can’t wait too long. We need to get moving on.

Rosco eyes the couple as they walk out. Something about them is familiar. Bo and Luke also see them walking out of the Boar’s Nest as they drive up in the General Lee.

Bo: Hey…does that truck they’re driving seem familiar?
Luke: Yeah…I saw a truck like that in town…right after…
Bo: Them streakers went through?
Luke: Let’s tail ’em.
Bo: You got it.

Balladeer: Now Bo and Luke don’t know that Enos and Daisy are already off the hook, so they’re following any lead they can to catch the real streakers.

Bo: Would you look at that?
Luke: Hazzard Coffin Works.

Bo and Luke sneak in and see the couple talking to some other people. They overhear a plan to use a “special” method to rob the bank in the next town.

Girl: It was just too easy to pin the blame on those two locals.
Guy: Yeah…and one of them’s a cop!

They all bust up laughing, just as Rosco bursts in. Bo and Luke are shocked to see him.

Rosco: FREEEEEZE! You’re all under arrest!

Balladeer: Well what d’ya know? Rosco’s actually got good timing.

Bo and Luke watch perplexed as Rosco arrests the streakers and the bank robbers.

Bo: Well I’ll be danged.
Luke: We better get out of here.
Bo: Yeah. If Rosco finds us, he’ll think we’re with them.

Bo and Luke head back to town and happen to “bump” into Rosco as he’s bringing in the prisoners to an irate Boss.

Boss: Rosco! You….
Rosco: Good news! Good news! I caught these streakers and the people who robbed your bank. Lookee here, I got all your money back too.
Boss: <growls and grabs money> How’m I supposed to collect insurance if I get it back.
Luke: Well Rosco, I guess this means Daisy’s off the hook right?
Bo: And Enos too.
Rosco: Well of course, I already knew it wasn’t them. I figured it might be this lady when I saw her pretty red shoes she’s got on there, and then I found these.

Rosco produces a wig and a police hat.

Rosco: Thought you’d outfox the Sheriff did ya? Well, shame shame, everybody knows your name! Come on now.

Rosco ushers them into the jail. Bo and Luke stare at each other as Boss storms off after Rosco. Enos and Daisy come out shortly after.

Daisy: Hey fellas!
Luke: Hey!
Enos: How about that? The sheriff was able to catch ’em.
Daisy: Well he had to, seein’ as he knew it wasn’t us.
Bo: But how did he know it wasn’t ya’ll?
Daisy: Well see…
Enos: <clapping hand over her mouth> Hush. That there’s official police business.
Rosco: <coming out and grumbling> Well if he had TOLD me it was for insurance money…
Luke: Hey Rosco! That was some arrest.
Rosco: It sure was.
Bo: But how’d you know it wasn’t Daisy and Enos?
Rosco: <looks at Enos> Because I know Enos wouldn’t lie, that’s how. Now you Dukes go on and git. And you get in there and watch them prisoners.

Rosco and Enos go back in the station while Bo and Luke walk off with Daisy.

Luke: They hidin’ something Daisy?
Daisy: <grins> You heard the man. Official police business.

Balladeer: Now if I knew, what Daisy knows, I’d probably be grinnin’ like that too. Now the Dukes decided to cool off the whole thing at the Boar’s Nest, when who should show up from the Celebrity Speed Trap…but the legendary Ray Stevens himself.

Ray Stevens:
Hello everybody, this is your action news reporter
With all the news that is news across the nation
On the scene at the super market
There seems to have been some disturbance here
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did…I was standing over there by the tomatoes
And here he come
Running thru the pole beans, thru the fruits and vegetables
Naked as a jay-bird
And I hollered over at Ethel…Isaid don’t look Ethel
It was too late, she’d already been incensed…

Here he comes, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
There he goes, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
And he ain’t wearin’ no clothes

Oh yes, they call him the streak
Fastest thing on two feet
He’s just as proud as he can be
Of his anatomy
He’s gonna give us a peek
Oh yes, they call him the streak
He likes to show off his physique
If there’s an audience to be found
He’ll be streakin’ around
Invitin’ public critique…

This is your action news reporter once again
And we’re here at the gas station
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did…I was just in here gettin’ my tires checked
And he just appeared out of the traffic
Come streakin’ around the grease rack there
Didn’t have nothing on but a smile
I looked in there and Ethel was gettin’ her a cold drink
I hollered…Don’t look Ethel
It was too late…She’d already been mooned
Flashed her right there in front of the shock absorbers

He ain’t rude, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
He ain’t lewd, boogie-dy, boogie-dy
He’s just in the mood to run in the nude

Oh yes, they call him the streak
He likes to turn the other cheek
He’s always making the news
Wearin’ just his tennis shoes
Guess you could call him unique…
Once again, your action news reporter in the booth at the gym
Covering the disturbance at the basketball playoffs
Pardon me sir, did you see what happened?
Yeh, I did…half-time, I was just going down there
To get Ethel a snow cone
Here he come right our of the cheap seats
Dribblin’…right down the middle of the court
Didn’t have on nothin’ but his PF’s
Made a hook shot and got out thru the concession stand
I hollered up at Ethel, I said don’t look Ethel
It was too late…She’d already got a free shot
Grandstanded…Right there in front of the home team

<Dukes cast sings Chorus>

Here he comes again…who’s that with him?
Ethel, is that you, Ethel?
What do you think you’re doing?
You get your clothes on!
Ethel, where you going?
Ethel, you shameless hussy
Say it isn’t so Ethel
Ethel………………

**Note: Lyrics for The Streak taken from Ray Steven’s official website.

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