A Hazzard Wedding

by: Vixey

Hazzard’s finest gets married.

Well, the big day had arrived. Roscoe and Vixey’s wedding. All of Hazzard was coming out for the biggest event since the day that Boss had to tell the truth. No body believed either one would happen. I have a feeling that this day is going to go perfectly.

February 14, 11:30 am

Vixey was nervous and Daisy and the boys coming in the check on her every five minutes was not doing her any good. Today had started out a disaster. Her parents were stuck in France, her brother Mark’s wife was having a baby and Richard was in the hospital for a broken leg and as for her sister, well she couldn’t be found. Uncle Jessie was going to give her away and Daisy was going to be her maid of honor. Her best friend Jayde was supposed to be her maid of honor but she had surgery on her back and couldn’t move for three more weeks. Her wedding guests had been reduced to half of what it was supposed to be. Just then, there was a knock on her bedroom door.
“Who is it?”
“Sheriff Little, come out with you wedding dress on!” She opened the door and died laughing when she saw Ed in a suit and tie. She hugged him. “I’m glad you showed up.” She told him all the stuff that was going on. He looked at her and saw that she was about to cry. He reached out his arms and she stepped into them.

Meanwhile at the Coltrain residence, Momma Coltrain was more nervous that Roscoe. “Oh my baby’s getting married.”
“Now momma don’t think of it as losing a son, think of it as gaining a daughter. And you like Vixey, don’t you?”
“Of course I do, but.”
“No buts Momma and maybe in a while, you’ll be a grandma.”
“Oh Roscoe, you’re gonna be a great daddy.”

Back at the farm, Ed released Vixey and wiped away a tear. “Now come on Vixey, this is a happy time.”
“I know, I just never thought I could be in love again after Alec. Now you need to scoot and send Daisy back in here, my bra’s killing me.”
He laughed and kissed her cheek. “Good luck, I’ll see you at the church.”
A few minutes later, Daisy walked back in. “Daisy this bra is killing me, I have got to do something.” Daisy adjusted it.
“That better?”
“Yes, now if only time will go faster, I can get married.”
“Are you nervous?”
“No, well yeah, but something doesn’t feel right, as if something’s going to happen.”

The ceremony went off without a hitch, well almost. Enos misplaced the rings, Roscoe almost passed out, and Vixey tripped over the rug as she walking in. Other than that, everything went fine. They said their vows. The reception at the Boar’s Nest was perfect. They danced, they smashed cake into each other’s faces, Daisy caught the bouquet and Enos caught the garter. They spent their honeymoon in Hatchaby County. Roscoe was very nervous.

As Vixey lay next to Roscoe in the Hachaby County Hotel she couldn’t believe it. She was Mrs. Roscoe P. Coltrain. Finally she was happy. She could hear Roscoe breathing next to her. He wasn’t asleep either. She rolled over.
“What’s wrong baby?”
“Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Our future, you know kids and stuff.”
“You wanna have kids?”
“Yep other than being a police officer, being a husband and Daddy was my biggest dreams.”
“I know what you mean. When I became a Mom, it was like I had waited my whole life for it and when I got divorced I felt the same way. It was like I had been set free from a lifetime sentence in jail. But this time around I know this marriage will work. Let’s make a promise. Let’s promise never to go to bed angry.”
“I promise.”
“Prove it. Let’s pretend I’m mad, what are you going to do about it?”
He thought he did a good job of proving it.

March 17. 10:00 pm

Daisy was worried. The boys thought that asking Vixey to go with them to meet their probation officer in Atlanta would be a good idea but in the middle of things, Vixey had fainted. Now, as they waited in the waiting room of Atlanta hospital, they weren’t so sure. They all stood up as the doctor came out of the examining room.
Luke was the first to speak up. “Doc is she going to be okay?”
The Doctor smiled. “She’s going to be fine as soon as she gets something to eat. She told me she had been complaining of nausea?”
“And she said she was dizzy the other day,” Daisy added.
“Well why don’t we join her in the examining room.”
Vixey was sitting on the table looking very pale. Uncle Jessie put his hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay, is there anything we can do?”
She nodded weekly. “Just make the room stop spinning.” A nurse brought in her file and handed it to the doctor. As he looked at it, a smile crept across his face.
“Well, you are perfectly healthy, for a pregnant woman.”
“Wait a minute, say that again, a pregnant-, you mean I’m-? Doc, on the piece of paper does it actually say that I’m pregnant?” “Yep, right there.” It did indeed say she was pregnant. She calculated in her head. That would mean it was conceived on their honeymoon. So she was a month along. She barely heard her cousins as they congratulated her. “Doc may I have a copy of that to show my husband cause he is not gonna believe it.”
“Of course and I’ll get your release papers too.” She didn’t know how she was gonna tell Roscoe.
Bo looked at her. “How are you gonna tell Roscoe?”
“Well by the time we get back into Hazzard, he’ll probably be at Speed Trap #3 so I guess we’ll have to speed to get his attention.” She said with a grin. “Don’t worry though, I’ll make sure you won’t get a ticket.” As they made their way into Hazzard, sure enough, Roscoe was where Vixey thought her would be.
“Well, ya’ll wish me luck.” She said as they pulled over. Vixey climbed out of the car and went over to Roscoe before he even had a chance to get out. “Get out, we gotta talk.”
‘Uh-oh,’ he thought, ‘what did I do now?’ “What’s on your mind sugar pie?”
She thrust the paper in his face. “This.”
“Honest baby I’ve never seen it before in my life.”
” I know that’s because I just got it a while ago. Read that.”
Mumbling, he read over the medical mumbo-jumbo until he got to a word he recognized. “Pregnant, you?”
She nodded.
“Yee-Haw” He yelled. He bent her over backwards and kissed her.
“We knew we’d get your attention if we went through the speed trap, Daisy giggled.
Roscoe looked at Vixey. “Who else knows?”
“Just us baby, but as soon as we got to the Boar’s Nest, everybody.”
Roscoe smiled. “You know, I do have to meet Boss up there. We can announce it after we’ve told Enos, Lulu and Boss.” Just then Enos sped past them, chasing a speeder. Vixey called him on the CB. “This is Red Fox to Deputy Enos Strait. When you get done with that guy come back here, Roscoe and I want to talk to ya.”
” 10-4 Vixey I’ll be back in a few. I’m gone.” A few minutes later, Enos came back up the road and pulled up beside the General. “What’s up ya’ll?” Vixey and Roscoe had sheepish grins on their faces. They would look at each other and then laugh. Finally Bo couldn’t stand it. “Would you two cut it out and tell him already?” Vixey told him. Enos just stood there a minute and then a huge grin came across his face.
“Well possum on a gum bush, I don’t believe it.” Vixey shook her head and leaned against Roscoe who put his arm around her waist. Then she looked at the boys. “Why don’t one of you two get on the CB and tell Cooter to meet us at the Boar’s Nest and Roscoe you can call Lulu and tell her the same. That way we’ll have all our friends and family there and whoever’s left well everyone there will tell them.”
So the boys and Roscoe did what Vixey asked and they all agreed to meet up at the Boar’s Nest. When they got there, Roscoe went back to the office and told Boss. He was very excited. He called Lulu who was likewise very excited. Finally a nephew she could trust. They left the office and went to the bar. Roscoe shot his gun into the air. A piece of ceiling fell on him but he didn’t notice. Everyone hushed. “I have something to say. Vixey is expecting.” The crowd cheered as he kissed her in front of everyone.

September 15 9:00am

As Vixey parked in front of the Police Station, she remembered when she was pregnant with Lilly and had trouble getting in and out of cars. She was showing now and everyone in Hazzard took great delight in coming up to her on the street and feeling her stomach. Doc Appleby told her on her last appointment that the baby should start kicking, but she knew that already. Lilly had started a month earlier kicking, like Paul could care less. Enos was the only one who hadn’t felt her stomach yet. As she walked in, she noticed that Roscoe wasn’t there. Enos looked up from his desk at her. She gave him a questionable look as she jerked her head in the direction of Roscoe’s office. “Oh Vixey, he’s at Speed Trap #2.”
“Ok that’s good, he better get his sleep while he can.” Enos laughed at her joke, but stifled it as Roscoe walked in looking very irritated.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” As he walked in his office, he slammed the door.
Vixey made a face. “It must be a real big nothing. I’ll go see what it is.” She walked into his office and sat on his desk. “Okay, what happened and don’t tell me nothing.”
“Vixey I’m worried. What kind of kid will we be raising around Boss, I mean I’m always in on his schemes and what kind of father will I be if our baby finds out?”
She smiled and scooted down until she was in his lap. She put he arms around his neck. “You’ll be the kind of father who is trying to make his families life a little bit better. You act like you’re the first person to do something illegal to make a better life.” She sighed, as she was about to tell him something that she never told anyone. “When I lived in New York, sometimes money got tight and one time, I had just been fired for not sleeping with the boss. I couldn’t do anything about it and I couldn’t find a job, but I had my kids to feed. So, I became a stripper. It was just until things picked up and I could pay a few bills. It was illegal then and I worked at an underground club. It got me enough money until I could get a real job.” She sighed. He could tell that she never wanted that to come to light, but she told him to make him feel better. Then she winced and put her hand to her stomach.
“Roscoe feel this.” She took his hand and held it to her stomach. He could feel the baby kicking. Then Boss walked in and saw her in his lap with his hand on her stomach. “Am I interrupting something?”
Vixey smiled. “Boss come over here and say hello to you niece or nephew. It’s kicking its little heart out.”
“You know it kind of makes me sad that Lulu and I never had any children but it does me good to see my brother in law so happy.” He walked out. By the end of the day, all of her family and most of her friends had felt the baby.

11:00 pm

As Roscoe tried to fall asleep that night, he heard Vixey get up. He thought maybe she was just going to the bathroom, but after a little while she didn’t come back and he got up to check on her. She was laying on the sofa reading a book and drinking a glass of pineapple juice. She looked surprised to see him up. “Did I wake you?”
“No, I was up when you got up. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing just can’t sleep. Figured I’d read a book since that’s about the only thing I’m good for anymore.”
He sighed. The doc told him she would have mood swings and he would be better off if he humored her. “No baby, you’re good for a lot of things.” He gave her a mischievous grin.
“You’re just saying that because you’re a man.” She stopped herself. “Baby, I’m sorry, it’s just that these hormones are driving me nuts. You think its bad now, wait till I give birth. You’re gonna hear words from me that you didn’t even know I knew.”
He laughed.
“It’s not funny and when the big pains hit don’t be within reach. You’d be surprised what I would grab.” He just shook his head. “So you can’t sleep? Well I know a perfect way to put you to sleep.” She gave him a devilish grin. “Show me.” He did.

November 10, 9:00 am

Enos thought Vixey looked tired as she walked in that morning. “You okay Vixey?”
“I just feel weird today, Enos. It’s almost like the morning I gave birth to Lilly. I’m feeling good enough to work though. Roscoe in?”
“Yes but he’s on patrol.”

On the other side of town, Paul watched Roscoe drive by. He had thought of a plan to really get Vixey back for what happened last time. He knew she was pregnant but he didn’t know how long. It didn’t matter. Once he put his plan into action, any dreams she had already made would be gone, along with her unborn child. He headed toward the Duke’s farm.

Vixey was nervous. Something wasn’t right and she could sense it. She wished Roscoe would come back. How long did it take for him to drive around town anyway? Enos noticed that she was distracted. “Something wrong?”
“I don’t know I just feel like something’s going to happen.”

Meanwhile, back at the farm something was happening. Paul had Uncle Jessie and Daisy at gunpoint. The boys were off somewhere mending a fence for a neighbor, so Paul knew that he had to act fast. “Okay old man, if you ever want to see this pretty little thing again you’ll tell that slut of an Ex-wife of mine to meet me at Bear Canyon alone.” He grabbed Daisy and ran out the door. He shot out the jeeps and the truck’s tire and sped away. Jessie got on the CB and relayed the message to Vixey, and the boys. Vixey called Roscoe and told him the story. They all agreed to meet at Cooter’s. Vixey was leaning against Roscoe when the boys got there. Luke looked at her and saw that she didn’t feel good.
“Vixey what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, let’s just concentrate on getting Daisy back unharmed.”
Roscoe looked at her. “Vixey I am not going to let you confront him alone, especially in your condition.”
She smiled weakly. “Don’t worry about us,” she said as she patted her extended stomach, “We’ll be fine, but he might hurt Daisy. I have to go.”


She got into her car and sped off toward Bear Canton. When she got there, she saw Paul holding Daisy at gunpoint. “Okay, Paul I’m here, you can let her go.’ He noticed how pregnant she was. “Well, well look at you. Carrying the idiot’s offspring. You’re braver that I thought.” He threw Daisy to one side as he walked toward Vixey.
“Run Daisy,” Vixey screamed as she ran the other way into the woods. Daisy ran toward Vixey’s car and saw Roscoe and the boys pulling up.
“You gotta go help Vixey, Paul’s chasing her through the woods and he’s got a gun!” Uncle Jessie held her as Roscoe and the boys went up the hill towards the woods.
Vixey was hiding in a bush, where she hoped she be safe. Then, out of nowhere her water broke. “Oh god, not now.” Carefully, she peeked out of the bush and saw Paul coming her way. She quickly ducked down again as he passed by. She hoped he didn’t see her and he made no motions that he did. He walked further and further in the woods until she could no longer see him. She breathed a sigh of relief.
“GOTCHA!” Paul yelled. She screamed and kicked him in the groin and ran in the direction of her car. She ran smack into Bo and screamed again. “Whoa, hold on now. It’s just me. Why are you all wet?”
“My water broke; I’m going into labor. Is Daisy okay?”
“She’s fine but we got to get you somewhere safe. Can you hold it til we can get to the hospital?”
” I don’t know but I’ll try.” She grabbed her stomach as a pain seared through her body. “I don’t think I can make it.” He brought her back to Uncle Jessie and Daisy and then went after Paul. He saw Roscoe on the way up and told him where Vixey was. He immediately ran to her side.
“Jessie, we got to get her somewhere safe so she can have this baby. There’s an abandon barn not too far from here.”
Vixey sat up. “Roscoe Purvis Coltrain I am NOT having our child in a barn.” He knew she meant it. She never used his whole name unless she was really steamed.
Jessie put his hand on her shoulder. “Vixey can you make it to the farm?”
“I think so,” she said between pains. “Roscoe, I want you with me.” He glanced toward the woods. “Call Enos and tell him to get over here. They can handle it.” He nodded and helped her into the car. Jessie drove Roscoe’s patrol car, while he drove Vixey’s caddy. Daisy rode with Vixey and tried to get her to remember her Lamaze classes they had attended in Atlanta. Roscoe called Enos on the CB and told him to get his scrawny tail up here.

Back in the woods, Paul was still looking for Vixey, but who he found was Luke. “Hold it right there plowboy, where’s Vixey?” “Where you won’t get her. Now put down your gun and go to jail quietly.”
“Yeah, right, like I’m that stupid. I want Vixey and I want her now!” He pointed his gun at Luke and started to pull the trigger. Then Bo jumped out of a tree above him and tackled him to the ground. Enos arrived just in time to put the handcuffs on him and take him to jail. Bo rode with him to make sure that Paul wouldn’t give him any trouble.


Back at the farm; Roscoe had long since fled the room after Vixey had threatened to cut off anything she could grab and succeeded in pulling out a handful of chest hair when he got too close. Daisy was holding her hand and wiping her forehead with a wet rag. Bo and Luke came in an hour later after the State Police had taken Paul away and gotten both their statements. An officer had followed then to get Vixey’s, Roscoe’s and Daisy’s statements as well, but left quickly when they heard that she was giving birth.


The door to the bedroom opened and Uncle Jessie came out. “Congratulations Roscoe, it’s a boy.” Roscoe felt like he was going to explode with happiness as he walked into the room and saw Vixey holding his son. Daisy hugged him and left the room. He sat on the bed and kissed his wife, then his son.
“Hey, well that was fun.”
“Any ideas on a name?”
“How about Patrick? Shawn Patrick Coltrain?”
“Sounds great, named for anyone in particular?”
“My grandpa. He was Irish.” Then the rest of the Family walked in. Vixey smiled as Roscoe held him. “Come meet our son, Shawn Patrick Coltrain.”
“What are you going to call him,” Bo asked. “Patrick,” they both said then laughed.
On their way to the hospital, Roscoe looked at his family and smiled. His dream had finally come true.

Well don’t that beat all? I wonder how this kid is gonna turn out? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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