No Time

by: Essy Jane

Well now, look at General Lee, he’s speeding through the south like a tornado through a trailer park. Meet Bo Duke and his beautiful wife. Nancy-Lou Duke. They’re newly weds. Now being newly weds is fun.

I ain’t fixing on doing it again. All that Lovey dovey stuff could make a man hurl. Well not me of course. My wife is as beautiful as she is smart.

Anyway, they’re going to watch Roscoe make a fool of himself with public speaking. Not a bad way to spend an afternoon now is it? Now don’t worry folks, Bo didn’t forget the popcorn.

“Why would you wanna see Roscoe make a fool of himself anyway?” Nancy-Lou asked.

“Well I thought it would be fun,” Bo replied. Bo turned the corner. “Besides, BB said he had a new toy to show me.” Nancy-Lou began to laugh.

“Any excuse to see what BB’s got for ya huh?”

“You had better believe it.” Remember folks, Dukes are good at two things—racing and love. Bo has already gotten the love part of it down to a science. Bo parked the car.

“Bo, we have some time, let’s head on over to the post office.”

“Sure thing, Miss Nancy-Lou.”

“That’s Mrs. Nancy-Lou to you buster.” She winked. They gave each other a kiss.

“Okay, you are a Mrs. Duke but you don’t have to worry too much.” Bo kissed her again.

“Oh yeah? Why not?”

“Simple, I won’t let anyone else touch you. That’s got to mean your safe.”

“My hero.” She kissed him. I told you being a newly wed was tricky.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you way more.”

“No way, you’ll never know how much I truly love you.”

“You know if we do this all day, we’ll miss comedy hour and BB’s new toy.” Bo nodded.

“I guess we had better get in there then, huh?” Both walked into the post office. The little bell rang as the door opened and shut.

Essy was leaned right over grabbing her daughter. She put her in the playpen carefully. Nancy-Lou smiled.

“Take a number and I’ll be right with you,” Essy commented. Bo shook his head. After how long everyone knew everyone else, Essy still obeyed the rules of the post office.

Bo grabbed a number. He held onto it tight. Now Nancy-Lou and Bo were both staring at little Esmeralda. They hugged each other, thinking about how much they wanted children.

“Number one,” Essy-Jane said. He handed her the number. “Bo, I need some identification please.”

“You know me better than you know your own husband,” Bo protested.

“Rules are rules, Bo Duke now—I wanna see some ID.” Bo rolled his eyes, pulling out his driver’s license.

“There you are Essy now can I have my dang mail?”

“I don’t know, can you Bo?” Nancy-Lou began laughing. Bo shrugged.

“I can’t win with you two.” Nancy-Lou kissed Bo again. “Especially with an argument like that. She kisses and I forget everything I say.”

“Well we got you all beat because we know you. Now say it properly.” Essy-Jane was always a stickler for English—even if she didn’t speak it well herself. Bo rolled his eyes.

“May I have my mail?”

“Sure.” Essy-Jane handed him three letters. One from Luke—one was a bill and the other from Daisy.

“Any for me?” Nancy-Lou asked.

“A number Nancy, take a number.” Nancy did as Essy said.

“Got one.” She quickly pulled out her wallet, grabbing her driver’s license. “Here’s my ID.”

“Number two your up and ready to be served.” Nancy-Lou handed Essy-Jane the number and the ID. “Here you go.” Nancy-Lou received two letters, one from her Dad and one from her Mom.

“Thanks Essy,” Nancy-Lou and Bo said at the same time.

“No problem.” They walked outside and smiled at each other. Nancy and Bo were so happy. You could see it in their eyes. What a couple.

“You know, I don’t think she’ll ever change,” Bo announced.

“Of course not, rules are rules and Essy-Jane won’t bend them for anyone.”

“Don’t I know it. She is stubborn as they come.” That’s right boys and girls, this is the way Mrs. Essy Duke was.

2

They walked across the street and sat on the grass. Bo opened his letter from Luke:

Dear Bo,

Maria is still on bed rest. I didn’t know what to do at first. Something she said hit me, “Without me, we’ll be crushed.”

With the baby coming soon, I have been more than worried. Its funny that we can’t handle our own problems. I am sorry to burden you with our troubles.

Maybe moving from Hazzard was a mistake. All I ever knew was farming. Now, I am working two jobs. However, things seem to be looking up for me.

I had been working myself to the bone. Every cent I used was either going to the baby or to bills. I thought I wasn’t goanna get another wink of sleep thinking about that.

However, as I went to take the bus—some dude came and snatched a woman’s purse. I chased him down and held him until the police came. Well anyway, the police officer walked over to me and told me how amazing my running skills were.

He told me I should be a cop. At first, I was skeptical. I mean me—a police officer. Come on, I have a record. Who besides Roscoe would let me do such a job?

When I came in to get my record check, I was sure I was goanna be rejected but instead my record had been cleaned right out. It was as if I had never done anything at all.

It is a blessing to me but I still can’t help but wonder what happened? Would you check it out for me? I would grateful.

Maria says hi.

Hope you have a great day.

Your cousin,

Luke

Bo shook his head. He shrugged. This was too strange even for him. Bo and Luke were caught for moon shining. If

“Dang that’s too weird for words,” Bo mumbled.

“What’s weird?” Nancy-Lou questioned. Bo put the letter in his wife’s hands. She read through it quickly. “Oh that is weird.”

“Luke and me both went through the same stuff. This means that his record was erased and I think Luke is in a mess of trouble.”

“Yeah—a gift like that never comes for free.”

“You wanna talk to Roscoe about it before he makes his speech?”

“Nah, we’ll talk to him later.” Roscoe got up to the podium to speak. As he did, there were shots fired at him. The crowd dissipated—well all except Bo, Enos, Cletus, Nancy and BB.

Dang, if you’re in the kitchen Ma, come back in you’re missing something. Look at that, he looks okay. Enos is helping him back up.

Bo ran up to him. “Roscoe, are you okay?” he questioned.

“You did it didn’t you?” Roscoe asked.

“Did what?”

“You tried to kill me. You tried because you’re—you’re my enemy. Cletus, arrest him.” Cletus took out his gun.

“Now Boss he didn’t do nothing now,” Enos cut in.

“How do you know? Were you watching him the whole time? He was trying to kill me. Now arrest him!”

“Sorry Bo.”

“It’s okay, Sheriff Strait,” Bo mumbled. Enos put the handcuffs on him.

“You have the right…”

“I know my rights Enos, just drag me away.”

“Dang it.”

“Enos, don’t worry about it.”

“I can’t help it, this ain’t right.” Enos continued to walk Bo across the street.

“We’ll find out who really did it.”

“I sure hope so.” Now friends, this doesn’t look like a happy moment now does it? This makes me madder than a snapping turtle. Come on y’all, let’s see what happens.

3

Now there’s Nancy-Lou, paying to get her husband out of prison. You know what? It is a lucky thing that Roscoe’s married now. And that his wife threatened to take his son away from him if he didn’t do as she said.

Roscoe met her half way. If Nancy-Lou would pay bail money then Boss Roscoe would let him out of prison. Now ain’t that a kick in the head?

Destiny is a smart woman. She knows what she’s doing. The woman is friends with the Dukes—well most of the time. You’ll see what I mean later on.

“Three hundred—four hundred—five hundred—six hundred dollars. That’s your bail, now let my husband out,” Nancy-Lou grumbled.

“Nice doing business with you, Nancy,” Boss Roscoe said.

“Well I’m sorry, I don’t share your views.”

“ENOS! LET HIM GO!” Boss Roscoe handed Nancy-Lou a piece of paper.

“What is this?”

“A restraining order. He can’t come within five hundred feet of me.” Nancy-Lou shook her head.

“You know as well as I do Roscoe that he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“He tried to kill me, who else would it be. He is mad that I helped Lu—I mean, he’s upset.”

“Roscoe, he would never try to kill you. It is Bo we’re talking about. He wouldn’t kill a fly let alone a human being.”

“Hush puppies, you never know with criminal minds. One second they are fine the next Blip! They’re goners.”

“Well my husband hasn’t had his lights turned out.”

“I mean his mind. He might loose his mind.”

“Look, I know what you want Roscoe. Us Dukes out of your hair and—AND money. Heck you would try to pinch a dollar out of a buffalo bagel.”

“I don’t do any such thing.”

“You have got to be kidding me! Ever since you won Boss’ money, you have been setting up more speed traps with Cletus.”

“I have not.”

“You have too.”

“I ain’t been doing nothing of the sort. Besides, you can’t prove it.” Nancy-Lou shook her head, she clenched her fists.

“You’re as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.”

“Hey, I got shot at. Unless you and your criminal husband can find someone else who did it, the restraining order stands.”

“Ain’t that a job for the SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT?”

“Hush! I am the commissioner now.”

“Yeah—you are, thanks for nothing, Roscoe.”

“It’s Boss Roscoe to you.”

Bo walked up the stairs. He looked at his wife and shook his head. “Let’s go Nancy-Lou,” Bo growled. They walked out of the Jail house and over to BB’s.

Now after explaining the works to BB, he got them some lemonade. “Dang, it is so hot in here—chickens are probably laying boiled eggs BOOOOY HOWDY!” BB said.

“What are we goanna do BB? We can’t exactly leave him hanging,” Nancy-Lou commented.

“Well what do you want me to do? Look, y’all need to find this killer before he does it again and before Boss gets it in the can.”

“No kidding but how are we goanna set the trap?”

“How am I goanna help Boss if I can’t go near him?” Bo questioned.

“Honey…”

“I’m goanna have to play operation’s man. You, Judd, BB and Essy are goanna have to handle this one.”

“What’s the plan?” BB asked.

“Where is he next?”

“Well according to the Boar’s Nest, his next appearance will be there to win votes.”

“I see.” Bo rubbed his chin. “Nancy-Lou, you know as well as I do that ol Roscoe is goanna get himself killed.” Nancy nodded.

“The problem with Roscoe is, he thinks you’re the one who did it,” Nancy-Lou replied.

“No he doesn’t, he just wants to use me as a scapegoat so he feels safe.”

“Hey, it is working ain’t it?” BB asked.

“You have to watch out for any suspicious characters.”

“Can do Buckaroo—however, Bo we’re goanna need some way to communicate.”

“Yup, no problem.” Now this was goanna get interesting. I said it once and I’ll say it again, them Dukes were in hot water. No not the hot tub kind.

6

Now y’all, you ain’t goanna believe this. Bo Duke is sitting at home. Now he has nothing better to do. You know, I hate when Bo is pushed out of the adventures. It ain’t the same without him.

Now Roscoe almost said it—the reason he thought Bo was the one who tried to kill him was that he helped LU. This in Roscoe’s language means he helped Luke.

Mystery solved? I don’t think so. Why in the world would Roscoe help a Duke? There had to be some reason for it. I mean he and the Dukes have been fighting since—well Bo and Luke learned to ride their bikes.

So Bo was stumped. He had no idea why ol Roscoe would pull—well a good deed on them. As strange as it sounded.

As he continued to think on this subject, the phone rang. Wouldn’t you know it? Right in the middle of all the adventure, I guess that is when everyone calls.

“Hello, Duke farm, Bo speaking,” Bo began.

“Hey cousin, how are you doing? How’s Hazzard? Anything going on?” Luke questioned. He pushed his hair back.

“You just wanna know if I found anything out.” Bo began laughing. “The answer is no. I have been too busy saving my own bacon.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“A restraining order—I can’t go within one hundred feet of BOSS Roscoe.”

“What?”

“He thinks I was trying to kill him.”

“You?” Luke began to laugh. He shook his head. You see what I mean? “You? Bo Duke kill someone? Now come on, that’s about as true as a horse with a trunk.”

“Yeah well you come down here and explain it to Roscoe.”

“So you’re sitting there because that restraining order…”

“Would put me right back in jail. Luke, he was saying something to Nancy-Lou. This is the only clue I have to your case so far. He said the only reason why I tried to kill him because he helped Lu…”

“And then he said the ol, ‘I mean’.”

“He said what he meant. He meant it as the reason I wanted to run in there and…and…”

“Drop an anvil on his head?”

“Was because he helped you and not me.”

“You know what the real question is don’t ya?”

“Well I ain’t dumb right,”

“Yeah, you ain’t dumb.”

“The question is still why though ain’t it?” Bo shook his head, stumped on what to say.

“Why would Roscoe wanna help me?” Luke grabbed a pencil and began doodling on a pad of paper that was beside the phone.

“Maybe there was something in it for him.”

“Uh huh—what would be in it for him? Watching a Duke succeed ain’t one of Roscoe’s highest things on his to do list.”

“The police officer that suggested you come in, what were his exact words?”

“Well when I told him I had a record, he didn’t blink an eye.”

“Uh huh.”

“He said, ‘Look boy, if come in three weeks and inquire about a job you’ll have one. Bring your record and I guarantee you that you will get the job.’ I did as he said and I have a job.”

“Fishy.” Bo sighed as he thought about it for a second.

“What do you think?”

“Besides the fact that it is fishy?”

“Yeah.”

“I think it has something to do with the fact that they’re dirty cops but don’t quote me on it yet.”

“What am I goanna do if they are?”

“Luke, don’t roll on any stones yet. Don’t go looking for trouble that’s the main thing. These fellas have been on the beat for a long time.”

“Yeah and I don’t wanna cause any unnecessary trouble.”

“Exactly—Luke they’s goanna deny all the information if they are. So you’ll have to catch them in the act.”

“If they ain’t dirty cops…”

“If they ain’t, well then we have nothing to worry about.”

“Bo, I don’t know if your words bring comfort or not.” Luke continued doodling.

“Well cousin, this is just like a case of the Hazzards.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Luke, don’t worry.” He grabbed his walky talkie, playing with the antenna.

“How can I not?”

“Think about Maria and the baby. You know you’ll be okay.”

“What if…what if they come after my family?”

“They won’t, Luke—they won’t. Okay?”

“I don’t know…”

“Luke, just remember to stay cool.”

“How can I?”

“You need to try your best. I promise it will be alright.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah.” Luke sighed.

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t worry about it too much. Luke I am sure you will be fine.”

“Yeah—maybe you’re right.” Luke scratched his head. “Why am I still worrying then?”

“Because you’re a Duke and that’s what we do.”

“Bo, Maria’s calling me…”

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my problems.”

“You ain’t Luke. Now you say hi to Maria for me. Okay? Bye cousin.”

“Alright Bo, I sure will. I hope you have a good one. Good luck on your adventures, Bye.” Bo shook his head as he hung up. Dang, it looks like both cousins have problems on their ends.

I guess that’s what happens when you mix the Duke boys in with Hazzard or New York. I hope Daisy wasn’t doing as well as Bo and Luke was on the trouble end of it.

7

“Shepard, this is Messy Essy calling. You’re right there is a strange character sitting in the Boar’s Nest,” Essy said over the CB.

“Messy Essy, look—I don’t think he’ll try shooting people in public. Check for a ticking noise or some wire of some sort,” Bo replied. Essy rubbed her chin.

“10-4, I’ll let mad mama know.” Essy put the CB down. She walked into the Boar’s Nest and looked at Nancy who was already doing what Bo said even before Essy could tell her. “What are you doing?”

“Thinking like a Duke, that’s what,” Nancy-Lou replied.

“Well let’s hope you have enough Duke sense to find whatever will get boss.”

“No doubt, Essy, we need to find it right quick.” Nancy saw a wire sitting right by boss’ door.

“Where do you think that leads to?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’ll find out.” Essy followed right along side of Nancy-Lou. She followed it over to the back room where all the stuff is kept. Her eyes widened.

“There’s enough dynamite here to kill Boss and everyone else in here!”

“You’ve got it.” Essy shook her head. She couldn’t believe how calm her friend was.

“What are we goanna do, Nancy-Lou?”

“Well—umm, Get BB to follow the stranger. He is about to leave considering the speech is about to start.”

“Right.”

“After that, you go through the other door with Judd and create the BIGGEST distraction of your life, you hear me?”

“Ya don’t have to tell me twice.” Essy ran out the door and then ran back.

“What the heck are you goanna do?”

“Diffuse the dynamite bomb.”

“Do you know how?”

“Luke taught me the fundamentals of a bomb…I just hope it was enough.”

“Good luck.” Essy ran back out. Sure enough, the stranger was leaving. Essy explained Nancy-Lou’s plan fast—telling BB to radio for Bo.

Soon, she was running around the Boar’s Nest going into the back way. There was Roscoe sitting there in the famous barber chair. “How dare you come in here without knocking first,” Roscoe exclaimed.

“Roscoe, I wanted to talk to you about—“ Essy began. She didn’t know what to talk to him about.

“Well spit it out girl, I don’t have time to waste with you Dukes.”

“I want to help you win over the Boss in Chawtaw County.” Roscoe jumped and frankly, so did I.

“What? I didn’t hear what you said—I think my ears were plugged.”

“Do you know how hard it is to be good all the time? I mean I have been doing it for so long that it has become boring.”

“You wanna help me?”

“Think about it, there’s no one smarter than a Duke.”

“You ain’t a real Duke.”

“My last name is Duke ain’t it?” Roscoe rubbed his chin.

“Yes it is but that ain’t the point.” Essy smiled and sat beside Roscoe in a wooden chair. “What makes me think I can trust someone like you?”

“The Tizdale family doesn’t raise liars.”

“I don’t know…that Megan…”

“Megan was the black sheep of the family.”

“Fiddlesticks.”

“Look, I am a good partner to have. Do you really think I would lie? Not my sister, but me personally—do you think I would lie to you?”

“Well…uh…”

“Take your time Roscoe.”

“Thanks, Essy.” Roscoe was stumped by the question. He was really thinking about it. Now friends, that is pretty dang slick if you ask me.

Meanwhile up on the road, General Lee had caught up with the tow truck. Now BB and Bo were about to give Mister bad guy the sandwich influence routine. That is when you smoosh a small car between two other cars.

Now it worked pretty well. The guy’s car was all smashed up. However, he slammed something through his windshield and began to run.

Two things I have learned very well in this world. Number one, how to play a guitar and number two—never ever try to run from a Duke. Now them are some good lessons.

Bo was on the football team and the track team. He won all the sprint running events. He was one of the most valued linebackers on the team.

You add that combination together and you have one seriously determined man. Bo was running up a storm and caught up with the man in no time. You know how slow on the uptake this baddie was?

He tried to fist fight a Duke. Now ain’t that funny? Don’t know one win against a Duke and I mean that in the nicest way.

“What are you doing mister?” Bo asked as he caught one of his punches.

“You ain’t goanna take me in!” The man exclaimed.

“Donald, is that you?”

“Uh…”

“Oh come on Donald, it ain’t worth killing ol Boss Roscoe. He’s a simpleton.”

“Simpleton my eye!” He went to punch Bo again. I tell ya, he won’t ever learn now will he? Oh well, Bo put him down to the ground.

“What do you mean?”

“He is just like Boss Hogg.”

“Do tell.”

“This dang man sold me bad property that didn’t grow anything but weeds.”

“Donald I’m so sor…”

“I lost my farm ‘cause I couldn’t grow anything and I lost my wife. She took my baby with her.”

“That ain’t no reason to kill a man.”

“Bo, I lost everything.”

“When you tried to kill him—you did. Now you have to confess. If you don’t, I’ll go to the pokey and I will loose everything.”

“What do you have to do with this?”

“He thinks I did it, Donald.”

“Dang, I’m sorry Bo.”

Well let’s see, Donald admitted to his crime which made Boss Roscoe have to rip up the restraining order which was just as well for Roscoe. Bo couldn’t go to jail because Boss worked there.

Nancy-Lou stopped Boss from blowing up, thanks to some skills from Luke. Good thing too…the whole Boar’s Nest would have been off the face of the earth. Then when would we have a good beer?

Well, Bo checked on Luke’s records. Apparently for turning in one of Boss Roscoe’s competitors, Luke was pardoned for all crimes against him. Now it still seems fishy to me.

As for Boss, he celebrated the good life with another celebrity speed trap. Cletus caught this one himself.

The Judds were playing tonight. Now ain’t that a musical night for the Dukes?

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