Weight For A Load On the Dukes

by: Essy Jane

Doc Applebee was working in his office as usual when Boss Hogg walked in. He wasn’t too thrilled of course, anyone could see through that fat marshmallow suit. His dark chubby hands slapped down on the desk. “You cheated me! I don’t have a high blood pressure and you know it!” Boss exclaimed.

“I cannot lie to impress some insurance company,” Doc Applebee replied. Him being in a well thought of position in town really proved his integrity.

“Well how would you feel if I died and Lulu was left with a big fat bill? Do you think that we could afford to pay it?”

“Do you really want me to answer that question?”

“Okay, I have a little more money than most.”

“A little more money? Boss, you can try to lie and scam your way out of a lot of things but I have known you most of my life.”

“Poor Lulu shouldn’t be left without loveable me should she?”

“Can you quit with the theatrics?”

“You don’t like me very much do you?” Doc Applebee rolled his eyes. He looked Boss Hogg in the eyes.

“JD, you are a very important man in this town and you are rich.”

“Rich is such a strong word.” Doc Applebee folded his arms and tapped his right foot. “How about financially stable? That has a nice ring to it.”

“I am not about to lie about your health problems.”

“Oh come on doc…”

“You are at risk for a heart attack.”

“Isn’t there any way I can get out of this mess?”

“If you loose some weight, I’ll keep it off your record. You also need to stop smoking cigars and you need to keep your temper in line. If you can do all that I am sure…”

“You will change it or else.”

“You can’t threaten me JD. You are neither in the position nor the comfort zone to do so. I suggest that you start loosing that weight or you will be off their list.”

“I think I hate you.”

“Good, maybe you will think about it next time.”

“How much weight do I have to loose?”

“At least 20 pounds around the middle Boss and that is what those people would expect for you to loose.”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“I will tell you this right now; the only way you are going to loose weight is if you have a personal trainer.”

“I don’t want to spend that kind of money.” Doc Applebee rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe that Boss wouldn’t be willing to do that for his health. “What other options do you have?”

“All I can say is the Duke boys are your best bet.”

“You have got to be kidding.”

“Well, the personal trainer that I am thinking about works for about fifteen dollars an hour.”

“Fifteen dollars? I know those guys they’ll scam me for everything I’m worth.” Boss Hogg hated asking them for help. He hated the thought of the Duke boys helping him loose the pounds.

“I don’t know if the Dukes will do it.”

“I am sure they would be willing to help you. Those boys have even helped me.”

“They’re in prison right now. Now after spending the night in prison would they really want to help me?”

“Not likely but maybe if you apologize…”

“Apologize to a Duke!”

“Boss, isn’t it worth the pennies you’ll save?”

“I wouldn’t even think of it.”

“Well you better think of something or you’ll be off your insurance so fast…”

“Okay, I’ll do what it takes, even if it means asking them dang Dukes!”

“Good JD, I am glad you are serious about this.”

“Dang right I am.”

“Now, you go on and get this settled. You only have a couple of weeks. I won’t give you any more time than that.”

“Alright, I get it.” Uh huh, Boss Hogg getting the boys to help him. Now, this is a switch. Usually the boys are trying to get his help by shucking and jiving. Hang on boys and girls this is going to be a rough ride.

2

Bo and Luke were going crazy after being locked up for another senseless crime. That was one thing we could always be certain of, anytime Bo and Luke were in jail it wasn’t their fault. Of course they were trying to break out.

“Lukas this is your…and I mean your fault!” Bo exclaimed. Luke wondered what in the world he was talking about. Yesterday they were standing in line for their mail when the cuffs were slapped on their wrists from behind. Now suddenly Bo was blaming Luke?

“What are you talking about? How in the world was I supposed to know about Roscoe and Enos’ little scandal?” Luke asked.

“Well I will think of something.”

“You’ll be thinking about it for an awful long time because I ain’t had any part of it.”

“This whole thing is bogus that’s all I can tell you. Boss has no reason to put us here.”

“Well that’s obvious. Uncle Jesse will have something to say about all of this when he gets back today.”

“Hopefully Cooter will remember to tell him.”

“Oh he will.”

“I missed him.”

“Who Cooter?”

“No, Uncle Jesse, I missed Uncle Jesse. I can’t wait to see him.”

“I missed him more than you did. I missed Daisy too.”

“I am longing for her cooking. You almost killed me that last couple of nights. Maybe that’s why we didn’t see Roscoe coming.”

“Don’t up and tell me my cooking has poisoned your mind, Bo Duke.” Bo laughed.

“It probably has. I don’t mind admitting it. I didn’t even know what that casserole was.”

“That wasn’t a casserole that was chicken ala king.” Bo’s eyes shifted.

“Sure didn’t look like it.” Luke’s cooking was worse than drinking swamp water. He had to cook pretty bad to be worse than that.

“Well that’s what it was, you know there is no way you can change what it was.”

“I get it Luke, it wasn’t a casserole…it was chicken something…something.” Luke rolled his eyes. Now that was about time Uncle Jesse came running down with Roscoe almost attached directly onto his shirt. Now Uncle Jesse wasn’t too happy when he was coming down.

“You lying crook! You let my nephews out of here right this instant!” Uncle Jesse exclaimed. His eyes were red with fury. He wasn’t about to let his nephews be pushed around like they were.

“You can’t go down there Jesse!” Roscoe exclaimed.

“Watch me you fowl playing no good hoodlum!”

“Who are you calling a hoodlum? I am Roscoe P. Coltrane and I ain’t letting you go down.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No.” Uncle Jesse nearly ripped Roscoe’s arm off of his overalls. Bo and Luke laughed at the sight but weren’t the least bit surprised. They knew how young their Uncle still was. He had a lot of fire within him for a man of his age.

“Now Jesse, them boys are guilty.”

“Guilty fer what? You dirty lying cheating skunk! You wouldn’t know guilty if it—if it up and bit ya in the nose.”

“Jesse, you cool it or you’ll be in prison.”

“Boys what are you in for this time? Roscoe’s hangnail or a scheme they cooked up?” The boys didn’t know what to tell him at first. They were basically attacked from behind and drug into the station.

“Uncle Jesse, we don’t really know why we’re here,” Bo commented. Luke and Bo looked through the bars and wondered what their Uncle’s next response would be.

Roscoe was not too smart to go against a man who had just been on vacation with friends. Now when someone thinks nothing can go wrong it always seems to. Jesse would fight Roscoe until the end for this one.

Jesse wasn’t about to take this kind of abuse from anyone, not even Roscoe P. Coltrane. There was no way that his boys were going to be tried for a crime that they didn’t even know of. Yep, that’s right, Roscoe was in trouble.

“You bring them into the station without telling them why they’re being arrested?” Uncle Jesse questioned Roscoe. Roscoe began to back up.

When following Boss’ orders sometimes you can’t think of a very good excuse of why they are locked up. Roscoe had to think of a reason fast before he got his arms torn off. Uncle Jesse wasn’t in the mood to listen to the Boss Hogg record of lies.

“They were arrested for…speeding and…flying without a permit,” Roscoe finally came out with. He wiped his brow and wondered if that worked. With the sense of Jesse’s deep angry eyes it was obvious that this would be a battle of a life time. That is until JD came running down the stairs.

“You better let my boys go or so help me I am going to tear what is left of that hair from your scalp!” Jesse exclaimed as JD came to a stop.

“This has all been a big misunderstanding. You know that your boys are the top leaders in all of Hazzard County,” Boss says calmly. Bo and Luke look at each other and then at Boss.

“Ah, JD, what’s with the nice tones?”

“Nothing Jesse, I am just trying to be friendly.”

“The last time you were friendly with them, you were trying to snooker them.”

“I wouldn’t do that now.” He walks up the stairs slowly and closes the door. “Jesse, I would like to talk to your boys for a minute.”

“If you lay one hand on them I will…”

“Don’t worry; I want to talk turkey with them. It’s okay; I promise I won’t bite them.”

“Boys, don’t let him talk you into anything stupid.”

“Don’t worry Uncle Jesse, I ain’t goanna fall for any of his tricks but Bo might,” Luke replied.

“Only because Luke poisoned my mind with his dang cooking,” Bo hissed.

“Poisoned? That was perfectly good lamb chops.”

“I thought that was chicken ala king.”

“Oh—no, the chicken was the night before. I remembered they were pork chops.” Bo rolled his eyes.

“Oh that’s what they were. I was sure it was meat loaf casserole. No wonder I was sick for three days.”

“You know dang well…”

“BOYS! That’s enough out of both of ya!” Uncle Jesse exclaimed.

“Yes sir,” Bo grumbled.

“You got it,” Luke added.

“Now I’ll wait for ya by the truck,” Uncle Jesse commented as he walked out of the jail house. Bo and Luke waited for Boss Hogg to talk. They knew this was goanna be interesting.

Boss Hogg walked back and forth. He didn’t know how to say this without making the boys crack up. There was no real way and Boss knew it. He didn’t want Lulu to have to pay for anything if he passed on. How could they understand? They were Duke Boys after all.

“Bo and Luke I have a deal to make with you,” JD began.

“A deal?” Bo asked.

“What kind of deal?” Luke questioned.

“I went for my yearly check up and well…I was told I have to loose a few pounds,” Boss Hogg mumbled. Bo and Luke broke out laughing.

“A few pounds ain’t the word,” Bo howled.

“That’s the last time I pour out my heart to a Duke!” Boss exclaimed. He suddenly remembered his blood pressure and took a few deep breaths. Bo and Luke stopped laughing and wiped the tears out of their eyes.

“I am sorry Boss I just don’t know why you’re sharing this information.”

“I need you boys to help me loose weight.” Well the small spur of no laughing didn’t last all that long. Both boys seemed to be howling with laughter. Luke looked at Boss. His face was red. “Why are you still laughing?” Luke elbowed Bo and they suddenly became serious.

“I thought you were kidding,” Luke commented.

“How much weight are we talking about here?” Bo questioned.

“20 pounds at least,” Boss Hogg replied. Bo’s eyes widened. Something about that particular statement didn’t exactly thrill him. Boss Hogg on a diet? He would never be able to do that on his own. No wonder he asked for the Duke Boys’ help.

“Why didn’t you ask Roscoe?”

“Roscoe wouldn’t know a diet from a fat bowl. Besides, I don’t think that anyone else could discipline me like that.”

“Boss, the word discipline and you just don’t go together.”

“I want to be around with you boys everyday of the week. I want to say no to food.”

“Boss it ain’t going to be that easy.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Bo’s right, you will have to exercise properly and eat right foods. Maybe we can teach him how to box,” Luke commented. Bo looked at Luke and wondered if he was out of his mind.

“He put us in jail for a night and you wanna help him?” Bo questioned.

“Oh come on Bo, he needs us.”

“Besides, if you don’t do it, you’ll stay in jail,” Boss cut in. Bo shook his head.

“You see, we have no choice. Now we need to get him exercising.”

“Maybe he could be a farmer for a while,” Bo answered.

“Boss Hogg in overalls…I bet that’s something that Lulu has always wanted to see.” Both of them were again laughing. Boss grumbled as he grabbed the keys to the cell. He didn’t know what to say to them.

“We’ll help you get your luggage.”

“Don’t worry Boss, by the time we’re done with you, you will be so tired you won’t be able to even think about food.”

“Luke’s right, we’ll get you running fast and by the time we’re done, you’ll be a lean mean fighting machine.” Boss didn’t like the sound of having to work. However he wanted that insurance plan so bad that he could taste it.

3

Uncle Jesse didn’t want Boss Hogg living under his roof. What it all boils down to his trust and friendship. Boss Hogg was Jesse’s friend but the trust part had been flushed down the toilet long ago.

Those two had been almost total enemies since Boss took Jesse’s shine to a set of customers without telling him. What was worse was that Boss Hogg tried to pass it off as his own.

Well of course no one believed him but still…Uncle Jesse has resented him since. Now to live with that man would almost kill him. That’s how good of friends JD Hogg and Jesse Duke were.

As Bo and Luke took Boss to his house JD was almost in tears as he hugged his refrigerator. “I am going to miss you white lightning,” Boss mumbled.

Lulu was going to be temporary commissioner while Boss Hogg was gone. Though Boss didn’t like the sound of that, Lulu did. She wanted to change this County into a place that the community would be proud of. It would be full of honesty and goodness.

Boss Hogg wore a grey jump suit. He had a blue and white sweat band on his head with matching wrist bands. Bo and Luke walked out in shorts. Luke was holding a small scale from the bathroom and put it on the ground.

“Boss, step up on this,” Luke told him. Boss growled but he listened. Luke’s eyes widened.

“Well is it possible to loose that weight?” Boss asked.

“Yeah but this is gonna take a lot of work.”

“I’m willing to do it Luke, believe you me.”

“Alright, time to go on a run.”

“How about you run and I watch?” Bo began laughing he suddenly stopped when Uncle Jesse came out.

“You boys will treat JD with respect ya hear?” Jesse told them.

“Yes sir,” Bo said.

“Now Boss…” Luke began.

“You know, for right now, don’t call me Boss. I ain’t your Boss, y’all are mine,” Boss Hogg commented.

“What will we call you?”

“How about what your Uncle called me when we was kids?”

“Okay, what was that?”

“Jeff.”

“Okay, I think we can handle that.”

“Now Jeff, we want you to stretch, follow us.”

“Alright but I am a little bit rusty.”

“Don’t worry so are we.”

“Well that’s comforting—I think.”

“Now don’t worry Jeff…we’ll have you in tip top shape in no time.”

“Okay boys, I hope Doc was right about you.”

“What did he say?”

“Well that y’all were the best.”

“We are the best.” They turned on some fast music for exercise. Bo and Luke tipped their head to the right and held it there, Boss—err—Jeff followed along. He seemed to be doing okay too.

Now I don’t think the boys minded having him around. The more work he did physically, the more friendly he became with the boys.

A month passed where the Dukes were helping him. Can you imagine living with the Dukes for a whole month? Jefferson-Davis Hogg managed to behave himself in every manner, which was weird for ol’ Boss.

Jeff seemed to love all the things about farming. He was doing very well with watering the horses. He used to live on a farm. Bo was shocked to see how naturally it came back to him. Then again, once a country boy, always a country boy.

Chopping wood was getting easier and easier. He loved everything about it. Now if Jeff complained, Bo and Luke would remind him who he was doing it for. It wasn’t for anyone but him and Lulu.

Right after that, he would get right back to work. That seemed pretty weird for Boss who had lost all patience normally. I suppose it was a good thing. Luke was glad that Boss was having some fun but at the same time, He was getting quite the workout.

Healthy eating was pretty hard at first but now, Jeff Hogg seemed to love everything about it. The salads were good. Every time Jeff had a craving for a cigar, he ate dried peaches.

The boys were impressed with his efforts. Especially how he played tennis against his Uncle—yup, Jesse and Jeff were getting along like they used to. This was very good for him. Don’t worry, the quiet days weren’t about to last.

4

Lulu was working pretty hard on the County. She seemed to be smarter at this than Boss. Roscoe’s accidents were down. The jails were almost empty. Now what didn’t Roscoe like about this? His sister was too—honest.

Boss Hogg would have shuttered if he had to see the sight of this. Lulu in all white—sitting in his chair eating his chocolate. Roscoe wanted to put an end to it but knew that this wouldn’t happen.

Still for the sake of everything Boss Hogg stood for—or didn’t stand for, Roscoe had to stand up to his sister. “Now Lulu, Boss has a certain way of doing things and…” Roscoe began. Lulu stared right into the pit of his soul. He pulled at his collar.

“Don’t tell me which way JD does things! You piece of purple kangaroo. I married him didn’t I?” Lulu questioned.

“Yes Lulu but…”

“But what?”

“Umm…well you see Lulu…Boss needs…”

“A darn good spanking?”

“Yeah a darn good…NO! Boss needs, a good—ah…a good staff that he can work with. Now this staff has grown accustom to—certain ways.”

“Wrong ways?”

“Now Lulu, that’s harsh.”

“That’s the truth ain’t it? You’re worried about dipping your fingers in the cookie jar but it ain’t happening.”

“Lulu, I am talking about mutual respect now.”

“Okay, how is this for respect? You are my baby brother and I can still whoop you.”

“Yeah, you can can’t you?”

“Now get out there and patrol.”

“I’m gone.” Roscoe walked out of the room.

“And close the door!” Roscoe walked back over like it was a chore.

“Yes Lulu.” He closed the door. Lulu sat in the chair counting money. As she did, the door burst open like it was nothing. Roscoe walked back in. His hands were up in the air.

“Look, I ain’t goanna arrest you, little…” Someone walked in behind Roscoe. “Who are you?” He had a mask on his face and both Roscoe’s and his own gun.

“I am who ever you want me to be. Now, I want the money in that safe,” The crook said.

“Adam Welsh?”

“GIVE ME THE MONEY!”

“As much as I would like to I can’t. I don’t have the combination to this lock.” Another two men came in behind him.

“Well who cares about that! We’ll just take the safe out.”

“Adam, you won’t get away with this!”

“Be quiet Miss Lulu, I don’t wanna do something I might regret.” Adam stood there holding the gun while Lulu did something sneaky. She leaned on the receiver of Boss’ CB.

At the Duke farm, they were working on Dixie for Daisy. Daisy had taken the pickup for work. Jeff had been digging right in there. That’s when the CB went off. “Adam, stealing my husband’s money ain’t goanna help you at all,” Lulu said.

Jeff’s eyes widened. He shook his head. “Shut up Miss Lulu,” Adam replied.

“You can’t do this, our sheriff is in the room.”

“I know, I can see him and he can’t do a thing.”

“Is that your blue van outside?”

“Yes, it is now be quiet.”

“How can I? I am so afraid of these fellows. I don’t think I can bare it.”

“Lulu…”

“Three men after my husband’s money.” Bo and Luke stared at each other. Now Lulu gave away some vital information.

“We’re goanna have to take them, they know too much,” One of the henchmen announced. Lulu moved the button—how do I know? The CB airway was dead. Bo and Luke shook their head.

“Jeff we have got to…” Bo began. He looked where Jeff once was and his eyes widened. “Where the heck did he go?”

“Beats me—I wouldn’t know at all,” Luke answered his cousin.

“You’re supposed to be the smart one.” Luke shrugged and looked around. “I mean you’re always telling me to pay attention.”

“And you weren’t either.”

“That’s because I knew you would pay attention. You should know where he was.”

“I was looking at you!”

“And what a nice mug I have too.”

“Bo you are on my last nerve.”

“Jumping on your last nerve on just standing on it?” Suddenly the barn doors broke open. Luke’s eyes widened. Bo put his hands on his hips, leaning in for a view like a chicken.

“Oh my gosh!” Black Tillie was on her way out of Hazzard property.

“Does he wanna get killed?”

“All I know is that we have to find him and Lulu and Roscoe otherwise it is curtains for all of them.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice, cousin.” Bo and Luke ran to the General Lee. Bo got in the driver’s seat while Luke slid on the hood. He got in the other side. Bo already had the engine started before then.

“Pray Bo.”

“I already said my prayers today.”

“Pray that we get there on time.” Bo put the petal to the metal. “Okay?”

“Not okay.”

“Why not?” Bo turned the wheel pretty quickly.

“Well praying requires kneeling and closing ones eyes. Trust me, I think if I kneel down at this moment, we’ll get in an accident.”

“You can pray with your eyes opened.”

“Nope…I can concentrate when I pray like that.”

“Just move it Bo.”

“Alright Luke.”

“Dang, another Hazzard Adventure.”

“Don’t tell me you were enjoying the quiet. If I had to sit through one more minute of silence, I was goanna burst.”

“Well, I know that. You live for adventure. I bet I’ll see you as an old man jumping out of airplanes.” Bo began laughing.

“I see you running the farm right into your old age. You know, telling me I should do some child rearing.”

“It would sure settle you down.” Bo laughed as he shook his head. Luke just shrugged.

Luke couldn’t believe they finally were out of this boring streak. This was pretty intense. Not only was Lulu in the hands of these crooks but Boss’ money. Now I don’t know about you but if the two most precious things were in some—wait, Roscoe was there too.

Dang, Boss’ blood pressure was goanna be off the charts. Now I am worried about Boss Hogg. He needs to keep away from being hypertensive. This just ain’t one of those moments.

5

As those boys continued to drive on the road, Roscoe tried to struggle out of his ropes. Those boys thought they were Scott free. Well until they saw the little black car tailing them.

Now if you think Boss Hogg would go after someone without any ammo, then you have another thing coming. Boss Hogg used to help Jesse solve problems back in the day. Now, even though most times he caused problems, he was ready for anything.

He took the wheel in between his legs. Boss grabbed a stick of dynamite. He threw it and pushed the breaks. The Van moved to avoid it and ended up in a ditch. As those men ran from the van, the boys showed up.

They began chasing after the three men with guns. They had six shooters. They continuously shot at Bo and Luke. “Are we goanna let them get away with that?” Bo asked.

“No,” Luke replied. He took the Bow and arrow set he had with him and set up the first dynamite arrow. He shot it off far.

“Good job.”

“Thanks, I thought it was one of my personal best.” It exploded. The men somehow avoided it. They continued to shoot. “You know, they all only have one bullet left.”

“How do you know?”

“I was in the Marines, remember?” Bo laughed as he shook his head. Luke winked.

“I knew that.”

“Of course you did.” Each man shot off their bullets. Bo smiled like never had before.

“I like this part.”

“You know, so do I.”

“Shall we?”

“Age before beauty, Luke.” Luke rolled his eyes and began laughing.

“Cute, Bo, real cute.” Bo dropped the bunched up rope.

“I can be, can’t I?” Bo took on two and Luke, one. Bo always liked the glory of two people. He seemed to be doing okay too. He punched the first one in the nose and then the second.

Luke liked having one who thought he knew what he was doing. This guy was one of those types. As the masked man went to hit Luke, he dodged it. “Come on buddy, you can do better than that,” Luke laughed. The man seemed upset.

“You are goanna get it,” He said.

“Oh really?”

“Yes really.” He charged at Luke again. “I will get you.”

“Not likely.” Luke flipped him right over. The man growled. “You see, you would have to use a much different approach.”

On the other end of the battle, Bo was doing well. While one recovered, he took on the other. It wasn’t a bad strategy. Bo took the larger one on for a minute. As he saw the other shadow start to move towards him, he hit the big guy in the nose once again.

“Boy howdy, y’all don’t know when to quit,” Bo commented. Luke came over and took on the smaller of the two men. Bo finished off the large one. He took his ropes and tied them up.

Bo shook Luke’s hand. They nodded their heads and smiled. Bo lifted the large on and one of the smaller ones. Luke took the masks off of all of them.

“Lulu, are you sure you’re okay?” Boss asked.

“Yes honey, I am just fine,” Lulu replied.

“Good, I wouldn’t want you to be any other way my darling wife.”

“JD, I can’t get over how thin you are.” Bo and Luke laughed. “It is all because of you two boys.”

“Well he lost his twenty pounds…” Bo commented.

“And then some.”

“Hello, I’m here too,” Roscoe cut in. Everyone began laughing.

“Hi Roscoe,” Luke greeted the sheriff.

“Well at least someone knows I am around.”

Well let’s see, Boss Hogg kept his insurance plan and went back to the office. He had a lot of dirty dealings to get back to. The crooks went to jail. And the Duke boys…got a ticket for parking in a red zone…well after Roscoe lifted the tape. That’s Hazzard for ya.

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