by: Marty Chrisman

            Luke was still sleeping the next morning when a light tapping at the bedroom door awakened him. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around, momentarily forgetting where he was, until he heard Diane’s voice on the other side of the door.

“Luke, Mom said to tell you it was time to get up. Breakfast is ready, she said you have ten minutes or she’ll take a switch to ya.”

“Alright,” Luke called out in a grouchy voice. He didn’t feel like getting up but he knew that Pauline wasn’t about to let him hole up in his room like he had been doing at the farm. Tossing aside the covers, he sat up on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through his tousled hair. Knowing that his aunt would come looking for him if he didn’t hurry up and get downstairs, he pulled on his clothes and headed for the bathroom across the hall. Finding it occupied by one of the twins, he went downstairs.

As he sat down at the kitchen table, Pauline sat a cup of coffee, a glass of milk and a plate of pancakes dripping with butter and syrup down in front of him. “You are going to sit in that chair until you eat every bite, even if you have to sit there all day.” She told him sweetly. When Luke threw a resentful glance her way, she smiled at him and said, “Don’t give me that look, Luke Duke. You need to eat, something you obviously haven’t been doing much of lately.” In a firmer voice, she ordered “Now eat!”

Luke knew when he was outmatched. Pauline had the same stubborn streak that all the Dukes seemed to have and in a battle of wills she wouldn’t back down until Luke did. So, he knew from experience, it would be easier to just do what she wanted rather he wanted to or not. Back home Luke knew that everyone had been worried about him but they had been treating him with kid gloves, acting like he might fall apart any minute (which Luke still felt like he might do) but Pauline wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t let him withdraw into himself any longer. Luke knew that was why Jessie had sent him here because Pauline wasn’t as emotionally involved in the situation as they were.

Luke still felt like he was teetering on some kind of tightrope between decision and indecision and not sure himself which way he would end up going. He still couldn’t imagine going on with his life without Kelly in it. He was still seriously depressed but then he’d always been good at hiding his feelings and he didn’t think Pauline knew how bad it really was. A faint smile crossed his lips as he thought about the bottle of sedatives in the pocket of his jeans. He had filled the prescription that Doc Applebee had written and given to Jesse for him just after Kelly’s death. He found himself wondering how long it would be before he finally decided to take the easy way out.

The next couple weeks passed slowly. Pauline had talked to a friend of hers who owned a garage and he had given Luke a job as a mechanic based solely on Pauline’s word as to how he was. She had insisted that Luke take the job even though he didn’t really want to. At least it was a way to fill his days and keep his mind busy, but the nights still stretched on forever. Luke often didn’t fall asleep at all, or if he did it was when the first rays of sunlight started seeping in through the windows. He was on the verge of total exhaustion and didn’t even notice. While some people slept a lot when they were depressed, Luke had always been the exact opposite, staying awake sometimes for days without sleeping until his body finally rebelled and forced him to rest. Luke was still drinking more than he should too but now it was beer instead of shine, since he no longer had access to Jessie’s hidden supply.

Jesse called every Friday night at seven so that everybody back home could talk to Luke. They were pleased at what they thought were the signs of an improvement in Luke’s attitude. They had no idea how much he was still hiding from them, from Pauline and even from himself. Something had to give but when it finally did, it wasn’t in the way that Luke had expected it to.

He had just home from working at the garage and was surprised to find Pauline in the guest bedroom, waiting on him. Automatically, his defenses went up, sensing that something was wrong.

“Come over here and sit down, Luke.” Pauline said, patting the bed beside her “I need to talk to you.” Reluctantly, Luke walked over to the bed and sat down, keeping a careful distance between him and his aunt. He stared at the floor, refusing to meet her eyes. When he didn’t say anything or even look at her, Pauline sighed and reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a small amber colored bottle. Luke’s heart began to pound wildly as he realized she had found the bottle of sedatives that he thought he had hidden so well in the closet. “Luke, what are you doing with these?” there was no anger in his Aunt’s voice but Luke could hear the disappointment and the sadness.

“Doc Applebee gave them to me after Kelly died.” Luke said evasively.

“That doesn’t answer my question, Luke.” His aunt said patiently “What are you still doing with them?”

“I kept them in case I needed them.” Luke told her, still with a tone of evasiveness in his voice. And he still kept his eyes on the floor, refusing to look at her.

“Needed them for what?” Pauline continued to probe refusing to let Luke avoid answering her. When he refused to answer her, a sudden gleam of understanding filled her eyes, along with a heavy sadness. In a quiet voice, she put her thoughts into words “To hurt yourself? Is that it? Is that why you kept them?” Luke still didn’t answer her but Pauline saw his body tense up and she knew that she was right. “Oh, Luke” Pauline exclaimed in a pained voice “I know you’re hurting right now but that’s not the way out, honey.” She put a hand on his shoulder “I know you don’t want to  but you have to let yourself feel the pain, it’s the only way you’ll ever start to get better.” She paused “I know that it doesn’t seem like it right now but it will get better if you’ll just give it some time.”

She could feel the slight trembling of Luke’s muscles under her hand but he still refused to talk to her. “Luke, I need for you to promise me that you will not hurt yourself.” She gently cupped his chin and lifted his head, forcing him to look at her. “Promise me.” She saw the stubborn set to Luke’s jaw but she also saw the fear and pain in his eyes. He might be fighting her but he was listening to what she said. In a firmer, no nonsense voice (the same voice she had used when he was a child) she repeated “Promise me, on your word as a Duke.”

“I promise.” Luke said flatly

“On your word as a Duke.” Pauline insisted. Luke shifted his gaze uneasily but Pauline persisted “On your word as a Duke.”

“On my word as a Duke.” Luke finally said, giving in.

“Good,” Pauline said with a satisfied smile, letting go of his chin “Because a Duke never goes back on his word.” She repeated the Duke Family motto that meant the most to all of them. That was why she had forced Luke to say it. As long as he gave his word as a Duke, she knew that he would not break it. Sensing that Luke needed to be alone, at least for a little while, Pauline left his bedroom and went downstairs to start supper.

She had just put a roast in the oven to bake when she heard Luke come into the kitchen and sit down at the table. Without a word about their previous conversation, she poured him a cup of coffee and sat it in front of him.

“Thanks.” He told her, remembering his manners. He seemed to have something on his mind he wanted to say but Pauline held her tongue. She knew that Luke would have tell her in his own way when he was ready. Finally, he sighed softly and looked at her “I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”

“That’s okay, sweetie. I was just worried about you, that’s all. Everybody has been.”

“I know.” Luke said, trying to swallow past the lump that had suddenly came up in his throat “And I know I’ve been shutting everybody out since Kelly got hurt but I couldn’t seem to help it.”

“Honey, we know how much you loved her and how she loved you. What happened to her was wrong, it was terrible but she’s gone and you have to accept that.”

“Do you think I could ever forget that?” Luke said, his voice breaking with emotion “It’s the first thing I think about every morning when I wake up and it’s the last thing I think about at night when I finally fall asleep because I’m too exhausted to stay awake anymore. It’s all I think about.” Tears gathered in his eyes “And I think about how easy it would be to just make it go away…..forever. I can’t picture living the rest of my life without her in it and I hate myself for feeling this way.”

Feeling her nephew’s pain, Pauline quickly went to his side and took him in her arms, holding him close and gently stroking his hair as she had often done when he was a child and was scared or hurt. “It’s okay, baby” she told him gently “You can’t be strong all the time.”

“What the hell am I suppose to do, Pauline.” Luke said in a muffled face, burying his face against her stomach and wrapping his arms around her like a child “What the hell am I suppose to do now?”

“Darling, you just make a good start without even knowing by just talking about what you feel….and I know that’s never been an easy thing for you to do.”

Suddenly, without any warning, as if a damn had burst suddenly flooding the valley, Luke began to cry. Deep, heart wrenching sobs that tore at Pauline’s heart. Tears of pain and of grief, but she also knew that they were tears of healing. It would still take time, maybe a lot of time, but Luke would be alright. He would survive and he would learn to go on with his life without Kelly.