by: Keith

Act One
(Opening shot of Bo+Luke driving along the backroads of Hazzard in the General Lee.)

BALLADEER: Now, friends and neighbors, this is one of the most deceiving sights you’ll ever see in Hazzard County. But it ain’t because you see Bo and Luke Duke tearin’ up the back roads of Hazzard in the General Lee. That’s normal.

(Rosco pulls out from behind a tree in his patrol car and starts after General Lee.)

BALLADEER: And it ain’t ’cause Rosco’s chasin’ after the General. That’s normal, too.

BO: (into cb mike) Dang it, Rosco! We ain’t got time to play right now.

LUKE: Yeah, that mortgage payment is due in town, in Boss’s hand, in ten minutes. Which is probably why he’s got Rosco out watchin this road instead of one of his usual speed traps.

BO: Hang on, Luke. We loose him every other day, I ain’t about to make today no different. ‘Specially with the farm on the line.

ROSCO: Alright, you Duke boys! Just pull it over! I’m serious now!

(while the chase ensues, the balladeer continues)

BALLADEER: Now, friends, this scene seeming like any other you might see around Hazzard is what makes it so deceivin’. ‘Cause it’s about to lead the Dukes to the strangest day they’ve ever had. And you know that’s sayin’ somethin’.

LUKE: We should be able to lose him at that creek up ahead.

BO: (sarcastically) Yeah, I think the General might have a few more pistons under his hood than Rosco’s patrol car. Hang on!

(General Lee jumps the creek. Dixie Horn blows in mid-air.)

BO: Let’s see Rosco try and make it over that!

ROSCO: You wanna play it that way, huh?! Alright! Anything that General Lee can do, my patrol car can do a hundred times better! Hang on, Flash!

(Flash barks.)

(Patrol car jumps creek, but only makes it half-way across before landing in water.)

LUKE: (laughing) He looks alright. Ain’t nothin’ hurt but his pride.

BO: And in Rosco’s case, that can’t be more than a scratch.

ROSCO: Flash, hold your nose, darlin’!

(As Bo + Luke continue down the road, they come across a hitchhiker who turns out to be David Banner.)

BALLADEER: Now, folks, that’s the man that makes this scene a might deceivin’. He’s got a shadier past than the grim reaper.

LUKE: Howdy, stranger. Whereabouts you headed?

DAVID: Hi there. I’m just looking for the nearest town.

LUKE: Nearest town’s Hazzard. That’s where we come from. Why don’t you hop in the back. We’ll take you the rest of the way.

DAVID: I’d be very grateful for that. Thanks.

(Luke climbs out the window. David looks at him strangely.)

DAVID: Something wrong with the door?

LUKE: It’s welded shut. See, the General, here, kinda doubles as a racing car for me and Bo. By the way, my name’s Luke Duke. That there in the driver’s seat’s my cousin Bo.

BO: Howdy. Listen, y’all, I don’t mean to be rude, but that mortgage payment is due in town in less than ten minutes.

LUKE: Right. Listen, Mr….

DAVID: Uh, David….Bradford.

LUKE: Well, Mr. Bradford, if you could hop in the back, me and Bo are are in kind of a hurry.

(David and Luke get in the General. Bo starts the car and drives away. Fade to Hazzard Square. General Lee pulls up in front of the county building. Bo+Luke get out.)

BO: We’re real sorry about the bumpy ride, Mr. Bradford! Sit tight. Luke and me will be right back!

(Inside the county building, Boss stands next to a clock, holding his watch in his hand.)

BOSS HOGG: Just ten seconds left, heh heh. Ten more seconds and the Duke farm is mine. (laughs)

(Bo+Luke rush through the door.)

BO: Hey, Boss!

LUKE: There you go, Boss. There’s the mortgage payment with eight seconds to spare!

BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Alright, alright! You done your business here! So just get!!

BO: Yes, sir.

LUKE: Much obliged, Boss.

(Bo+Luke exit)

(David is waiting outside with a parking ticket in his hand.)

BO: Sorry to keep you waiting like that, Mr. Bradford.

LUKE: If we didn’t get our mortgage payment into Boss Hogg’s hand’s by noon, he would’ve owned our farm lock, stock, and barrel.

DAVID: (confused) Boss Hogg?

LUKE: He’s the county commissioner.

BO: Yeah, for the most part; if it’s in Hazzard, he owns it.

DAVID: Well, listen, boys, I appreciate the ride into town. Now if you could just point me to a place where I could get something cold to drink…

BO: Shoot, Mr. Bradford, we can do better than that…

LUKE: That’s a fact. We’ll take to a little place called the Bore’s Nest.

DAVID: (sceptically) You two will take me there?

BO: Don’t worry, Mr. Bradford. I promise the ride won’t be so bumpy this time.

DAVID: (reluctantly) O.k. Oh, by the way, the deputy came by while you were in there and said to give you this. (hands Luke parking ticket).

LUKE: Great. Just what we need. Another ticket. (hands to Bo)

BO: Why me?

LUKE: You parked.

BO: (sigh) Yeah, I guess I did.

(They all get in the General and drive away)

BALLADEER: Now, meanwhile, back inside, Boss was busy chewing out Rosco for not stopping the Dukes.

BOSS HOGG: (into cb mike) Rosco, you knucklehead! Are you trying to tell me that you wrecked another patrol car?!

(We see a very wet Rosco standing next to his patrol car while Cooter rigs it to be towed.)

ROSCO: That’s a big 10-4, little fat buddy. It wasn’t my fault, though. Them Duke boys, they tricked me into jumpin’ a creek when they knew I wouldn’t make it. Come on.

BOSSHOGG: What’s the damage gonna cost me? Put Cooter on!

COOTER: Hey, Boss, this here’s Crazy Cooter commin’ atcha…

BOSS HOGG: I know who you are! Just tell me how much this whole mess is gonna run me!

COOTER: Well, Boss, with all the water damage to the engine, it’s probably gonna run you about $500. That’s not includin’ if you want me to dry out all this nice leather apolstry.

BOSS HOGG: Dang blast it!! Rosco. you still there?

ROSCO: That’s a big 10-4…

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, not only did you not catch the Dukes so I could forclose on their farm; but you also just cost me $500 simolians. Which is gonna come dir-ectly out of your paycheck!

ROSCO: Aren’t you gonna have Cooter dry out the apolstry?

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, if you really want that apostry dried out, you know what you can do?

ROSCO: What?

BOSS HOGG: Take a real deep breath….and BLOW!!

ROSCO: (to Cooter) Oooo. I think he was serious about that.

BOSS HOGG: Cooter, you get that patrol car over to your garage and get it fixed pronto! And, Rosco, once it’s fixed, I want you to bring in the Duke boys on any charge!!

ROSCO: That’s a big 10-4, Boss. I’m gone.

COOTER: I’ll get to work on Rosco’s patrol car right away just as soon as I grab a cold one at the Bore’s Nest. I’m gone.

(Fade to Bo, Luke, and David sitting around a table at the Bore’s Nest. Daisy approaches.)

DAISY: Hey, boys. Did you get that mortgage payment to Boss Hogg on time.

LUKE: Sure did. Daisy, I want you to meet a new friend of ours. We picked him up hitchhikin’ into town. His name’s David Bradford. Mr. Bradford, this here’s our cousin, Daisy.

DAVID: Hi, there. Nice to meet you. And please, everyone, call me David.

DAISY: Nice to meet ya, David.

LUKE: What brings you to these parts, anyway, David?

DAVID: Just hitchhiking cross country, actually.

LUKE: Got any specific destination in mind?

DAVID: Not really. I have this tendency to, uh, keep moving on.

LUKE: Ain’t no trouble with the law, is it?

BO: If it is, Luke and me ain’t no strangers to that. You can trust us with your secret.

DAVID: Nothing like that. I just don’t like staying in the same place for very long. Although, I wouldn’t mind settling down eventually. But, uh, it sounds like you boys might be in trouble with the law.

LUKE: Well, Bo and me, see, we’re on probation. We got caught runnin’ shine a few years back.

BO: Don’t worry, though. Our shine-runnin’ days are over.

LUKE: That’s a fact. See, the only reason we’re on probation rather than servin’ time at the state pen is that our Uncle Jessie promised the U.S. government that he’d never make any more ever again.

DAVID: I see. So, you live with your Uncle Jessie?

BO: Yes, sir. We all help run the family farm together.

LUKE: Matter of fact, since I figure you ain’t got no place to go for dinner, why don’t you come on back to the farm with us? I bet he’d be real happy to meet ya. ‘Specially with all the stories you must have to tell from travellin’ on the road so much. How ’bout it?

DAVID: Well, I’m not so sure my travel stories are fit for dinner table dicussion, but I’d sure appreciate the meal.

LUKE: You got it. Why don’t we head on over there after we finish these beers?

(Cooter enters)

BO: Oh, hey, here comes Cooter. Hey Cooter. How’s it goin’, buddy?

COOTER: Hey, Bo! Luke! How y’all doin’? Listen,I just want to thank y’all for droppin’ Rosco into the drink like that. One more repair bill like the one I’m gonna be givin’ Boss Hogg and I’ll be able to pay off my truck. By the way, boys,how’s that new cam shaft I put in the General last week holdin’ up?

LUKE: Like a charm. Hey, listen, Cooter. I’d like you to meet a new friend of ours. Name’s David Bradford. He just got into town.

COOTER: Howdy, Mr. Bradford. Nice to meet ya. Any friend of the Dukes is a friend of mine. Oh, by the way, just to warn y’all; Boss Hogg gave Rosco orders while I was givin’ him a tow to bring y’all in on ANY charge. So you might want to lay low for a while.

LUKE: Much obliged for the info.

COOTER: Y’all don’t mind, I think I’ll sit down with ya and have a cold one.

BALLADEER: Now, while the boys and Cooter were busy getting aquainted with David, Boss was arrivin’ at the Bore’s Nest for his fourth lunch of the day so he could eat while he thought up a new way to snooker the Dukes out of the farm.

(Boss Hogg and Rosco enter through the back entrance)

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, so help me, if you cost me just one more red cent on repairs to your patrol car, not only will you be outta your job as sheriff, but I’m gonna divorce my wife, your fat sister, Lulu. Fortunately for you, I already thought me up an-
other way to get the Duke farm.

ROSCO: OOOOOOOHHHH!! Good news, good news! How’re you gonna do it?

BOSS HOGG: Here’s my plan…

BALLADEER: Meanwhile, outside in the bar, some lowlife was gettin’ a might fresh with Daisy. Now, friends, don’t that just curdle yer blood?

DAISY: Now, I’m warnin’ ya! You keep your hands to yourself or you’ll regret it!

LUKE: Hey , why don’t you leave the lady alone?! She just tryin’ to do her job!

LOWLIFE: You got somethin’ to say about it, plowboy? What’s it to ya? She yer kin or some- thin’?

BO: Matter of fact, she’s our cousin! Now why don’t you do like he asked and get your dang hands off her?!

LOWLIFE (approaches): You gonna make me, plowboy?

(Bo stands and faces off with lowlife)

BO: Well, maybe I just will…

LUKE: Bo, don’t start nothin’! We don’t wanna get David, here, involved in somethin’ that ain’t his concern to begin with!

LOWLIFE: (to David) What’s the matter, stranger? You too chicken to stand up to me?

DAVID: Look, I don’t want any trouble and I don’t think these boys do either. So, why don’t you go back to your table, finish your beer, and just leave the lady alone.

LOWLIFE: (Grabs David’s shirt) You tryin’ to tell me what to do, stranger?

COOTER: (stands) Hey, leave him alone! Y’all ain’t got no beef with him!

(Lowlife elbows Cooter in the stomach and punches David. Bo + Luke attack, put up a fight, but are eventually tossed to the floor. Cooter attacks, but a punch in the jaw sends him into a table and knocks him down. Lowlife punches David in the face, then the stomach, then grabs him by the back)

LOWLIFE: This otta take care of you!!

(Lowlife throws David behind the bar. We get a close-up of David. His eyes are now white.)

BALLADEER: Now, friends, this is where the Dukes day is about to get a miiiiggghhht strange.

(David’s shirt begins to split open, revealing green skin. His pants then split at the seems, followed by his boots.)

LOWLIFE: That’ll teach ya to mess with me!

( A low growl is heard from behind the bar. Bo looks in confusion.)

LUKE: What the heck….

(The hulk slowly stands. The crowd looks in awe. Daisy screams. Hulk flexes and lets out a loud roar. He then uses his fists to smash an opening in the middle of the bar. He walks through the opening and grabs lowlife by the shirt. Growls in his face.)

LOWLIFE: What in the heck are you?

(Hulk roars in his face and throws him through a window. He then looks at the rest of the crowd, flexes and roars once again. Boss and Rosco enter bar from rear entrance.)

ROSCO: Allllright, everyone! Just freeeeze!

(Hulk silently approaches Rosco.)

ROSCO: (scared) Everyone except for you…..WOOJEE!!

BOSS HOGG: Tarnation…what is that thing?

LUKE: I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t aim to stick around and find out. Let’s get outta here!

(The crowd rushes toward the door. Once they have left, Hulk throws a table at the door in confusion.)

BO: Anybody got any idea where in the heck that thing came from?!

LUKE: Yeah, I got myself a pretty good idea, but I ain’t pointin’ no fingers ’til I know the whole truth.

(With erveryone gone, the Hulk calms down, sits down, and slowly begins changing back to David.)

COOTER: (searching the crowd) Hey, y’all, I don’t see that Bradford fella you two was talkin’ to any where.

LUKE: Yeah, and I think that’s a little bit more than a coinceidence, too.

(Bo, Cooter, and Daisy all look at each other in confusion. David comes out of Bore’s Nest without a shirt, and wearing torn pants.)

LUKE: (whispering to himself) Just about what I figured.

BO: You alright, Mr. Bradford? Boy, that guy must’ve beaten you good! Tore the shirt right off your back! You want us to find him and teach him some manners?

DAVID: No, that’s quite alright, really. I’m fine.

DAISY: Mr. Bradford, did you see that big green thing that tore up the whole bar?

DAVID: No, I didn’t. But tell me, was anyone hurt?

COOTER: Just the guy that gave you the once-over. Nothin’ more than a few scratches, though.

(Boss Hogg and Rosco approach)

BOSS HOGG: Alright, Rosco, arrest the whole group of ’em!

LUKE: For what, Boss? We ain’t done nothin!

BOSS HOGG: For disturbin’ the peace, that’s what!

BO: Boss, you didn’t even show up until after the fight started. How do you know who started it?!

BOSS HOGG: A few of my patrons said that you boys, and you, whoever you are, were involved and that’s good enough for me. Alright, Rosco, do like I said and arrest ’em all!

(Rosco pulls out his gun and handcuffs)

ROSCO: Allllright, you Dukes, just put your hands out so I can cuff ya and stuff ya.

(scene freezes)

BALLADEER: Now, do Y’all realize that all this started ’cause Bo and Luke was tryin’ to pay the mortgage on time?

(end act 1)