by: Keith

Act Three

(Bo quickly swerves out of the way.)

BO: Cousin, that was closer to meetin’ my maker than I want to come for a long time.

(Fade to Rosco and Cletus in their patrol cars)

ROSCO: Cletus, this is your superior officer talkin’! I want you to take Meadow Lane up to Swamp Crossing! I’ll take Ridge Road and we’ll cut ’em off at the pass!

CLETUS: 10-4, Rosco! I’m gone!

(Fade back to Bo and Luke)

LUKE: I don’t see Rosco or Cletus anywhere in sight. We shouldn’t have any problem makin’ it to Swamp Crossing. We’ll be in the clear from there.

BO: You got it, Luke. Hang on!

(A quick shot of the General Lee twisting and Turning throught the Hazzard backroads)

(Fade back to Rosco and Cletus)

ROSCO: Alright, Cletus, I’m commin’ up on Swamp Crossing! Where are you, you dipstick?!

CLETUS: I ain’t more’n a half a mile away, Rosco!

ROSCO: Alright! When we get there, we form a road block! You got that?!

CLETUS: Yes, sir, Sheriff!

(Cletus manages to reach Swamp Crossing before Rosco. Bo and Luke approach in the General Lee)

LUKE: Bo, watch it! There’s Cletus!

BO: I see him, cousin. Hang on!

(Bo narrowly steers clear of Cletus)

BALLADEER: Now, friends, y’all know they don’t call this Swamp Crossing for nothin’.

(Rosco approaches too fast and can’t stop in time.)

ROSCO: Cletus! Get out of the way, you dipstick!!

(Rosco’s car launches into the air and lands in the Hazzard swamp. We get a shot of Rosco as his car starts to sink)

ROSCO: Cletus, help me get outta here! (to himself) Boss ain’t gonna be happy about this. WOOJEE!!

LUKE: Well, it looks like Rosco’s alright.

BO: Yeah, and it looks like we just helped Cooter pay off his tow truck. HAHA!

BALLADEER: Meanwhile, back at the farm, Cooter was ready to show everyone what he looked like dressed as the Hulk.

UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, David, now tell us. Does Cooter look anything like that thing you turn into?

DAVID: (skeptically) I don’t know…I just don’t know.

UNCLE JESSIE: Well, you better decide, and real quick. Cause Cooter, here, is the only chance you got of gettin’ rid of that McGee character once and for all.

(Dixie horn sounds as General Lee approaches)

DAISY: Here’s Bo and Luke. I wonder if they saw anything.

UNCLE JESSIE: We’ll all find out soon enough.

(Bo and Luke enter)

UNCLE JESSIE: Well, what did you boys see? Anything?

LUKE: Oh, we saw, quite a bit, alright. And believe me, we ain’t got nothin’ to worry about…except McGee seein’ Cooter up close while he’s dressed as the Hulk. See, Boss Hogg’s plan was to have Cletus dress up as the Hulk and run through the town square scarin’ everybody. Luckily, McGee saw right through it.

(Bo looks at Cooter and laughs)

COOTER: What’s so funny?

BO: Nothin’. It’s just that you look more like the Jolly Green Giant than the Hulk.

LUKE: Alright, Y’all. Now, here’s my plan. Cooter, you’re gonna run through town as fast as you can. But you gotta make sure no one gets a good look at ya. We’ll all be there, too. Bo and me in the General, and Uncle Jessie and Daisy in the pick-up. Now, Bo and me will start chasin’ you outta town, followed by Uncle Jessie and Daisy…

BO: Wait a second, Luke. That didn’t work for Boss Hogg. It ain’t gonna work for us, neither. As soon as Him and Rosco spot us followin’ Cooter outta town, they’re gonna come chasin’ us.

LUKE: And hopefully McGee will be with ’em. That’s exactly what I want. Once we get far enough outta town that it’s just them and us, Uncle Jessie takes out his rifle and shoots a couple o’ blanks at Cooter. He takes a dive. McGee sees it and leaves Hazzard thinkin’ that the Hulk is dead.

DAVID: It won’t work.

BO: Why not?

DAVID: First of all, once McGee sees Cooter get shot. He’ll want to get closer to make sure that it IS the creature that was killed, and not a phony. Secondly, like I told you before, he knows that a man changes into the creature. So, even if he doesn’t get close enough to recognize Cooter….

LUKE:…He’ll know somethin’s up when he doesn’t change back.

DAVID: Exactly.

LUKE: Alright, just give me a minute to re-think this a little.

BALLADEER: And, back at the county courthouse, Rosco and Cletus was reportin’ to Boss that they couldn’t find Cooter to give ’em a tow.

BOSS HOGG: What do you mean, you can’t find ‘im?! Couldn’t you raise him on the cb?

ROSCO: No, Boss. That’s what we’ve been tryin’ to tell ya. Cooter ain’t at his garage, and he ain’t answerin’ the cb.

BOSS HOGG: Yeah, an’ I know exactly why. He’s out at the Duke farm cohortin’ with them no-good Dukes and that stranger to try and snooker that reporter outta that reward money.

CLETUS: You really think so, Cousin Boss? I mean, that just doesn’t sound like somethin’ the Dukes would do.

BOSS HOGG: Cletus, never mind what them Dukes would or wouldn’t do! You just get yourself cleaned up and out of that dang fool get-up and get back out to your normal speed trap duty!

CLETUS: (Sighs, frustrated) Yes, Cousin Boss.

(Cletus exits)

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I want you to get over to the Hazzard Gazette. I had Homer find me some old copies of that newspaper The National Register that McGee works for. I wanna find out everything there is to know about that Hulk thing while I still have a shot at beatin’ them Dukes to that ten thousand dollar reward.

ROSCO: But, Boss, McGee saw right through your last scheme. What makes you think he’d believe anything else you do?

BOSS HOGG: Will you just let me worry about that?! Now go get me them newspapers I need! And while you’re out there, bring me back somethin’ to eat.

ROSCO: Boss, it’s three o’clock in the afternoon. Ain’t you had lunch yet?

BOSS HOGG: Yeah. But you can’t very well expect me to scheme on an empty stomach, now can ya?! Now get goin!!

ROSCO: Alright, I’m gone.

BALLADEER: And, at the farm, Luke was makin’ sure everyone knew and was ready for their parts in his big plan.

LUKE: Alright, it’s just about show time. Now, everyone remember what they’re supposed to do?

DAVID: What about me?

LUKE: Well, to tell ya the truth, David, more and more I’m thinkin’ the best place for you to be during all this is right here at the farm, where you’ll be as far from any trouble as possible.

DAVID: (reluctantly) Alright.

(Scene changes to Cletus in his patrol car)

BALLADEER: Now, on his way to speed trap duty, Cletus had a sudden attack of conscience, which was leadin’ him straight to the Dukes. Friends, you wanna talk about bein’ in the wrong place at the wroooong time?

(Fade back to Duke farm. The Dukes and Cooter are just coming out of the house to start Luke’s plan)

LUKE: Alright, everybody, we’ll see y’all in town.

UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, boys. But, listen, you just be careful you don’t get spotted, now!

BO: Yes, sir!

(Daisy pauses)

DAISY: Hey, wait a second, y’all. You hear someone commin’?

BO: I hope it ain’t that McGee character again.

LUKE: Worse than that! It’s Cletus! Cooter, get back into the house!!

(Cooter runs back into the house just as Cletus pulls up)

BALLADEER: Ya know, folks, given the way things usually work out for the Dukes, I think I’d be more worried if Luke’s plan had actually gone off smooth!

CLETUS: Howdy, Y’all!

UNCLE JESSIE: Hey, Cletus. What brings you by this way?

LUKE: Did Boss send you to arrest us on them phony fight charges from what happened yesterday at the Bore’s Nest?

CLETUS: No, Cousin Boss didn’t send me out here. I came out on my own. But it does have to do with what happened yesterday.

UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Cletus, spill it. What’s on yer mind?

CLETUS: Well, since I saw the General Lee in town earlier today, I don’t think I have to tell you boys what Cousin Boss made me do so he could try to con McGee out of that reward money.

(Bo tries not to laugh)

LUKE: Yeah, we sorta caught a glimpse of that.

CLETUS: Yeah, well, he thinks you folks are up to something to try to collect that reward money, too.

UNCLE JESSIE: You don’t think that, do you, Cletus?

CLETUS: No,sir, Uncle Jessie. I know you folks better than that.

LUKE: Much obliged, Cletus. But right now, we’re all headed into town, so if ya don’t mind…

CLETUS: Oh, no sweat. I just wanted to come out here and warn y’all. I gotta get back to speed trap duty, anyway. Say, by the way, would y’all have any idea where Cooter is? Rosco and me can’t find him anywhere.

BO: Sorry, Cletus, we ain’t seen him.

LUKE: But if we do, we’ll be sure and let him know that you’re lookin’ for him.

CLETUS: Thanks.

(Cletus gets back in his car)

CLETUS: See y’all later.

(Cooter comes out of the house)

COOTER: What did Cletus want?

LUKE: Well, you, amoung other things.

BO: Yeah, Luke and me kinda forgot to mention that we dumped Rosco in Hazzard swamp and he was probably gonna need a tow.

COOTER: And when he couldn’t find me, he went and reported it to Boss Hogg.

BO: And Boss probably already figured you were here with us.

DAISY: So, now that Boss Hogg is on to us, what are we gonna do?

LUKE: We’re gonna stick to my original plan. I just gotta re-think it a little.

(The scene changes, once again, to the county courthouse, where Boss Hogg and Rosco are surrounded by copies on The National Register, and Boss is eating an extra large pizza)

BOSS HOGG: Alright, Rosco. We’re gonna look through every one of these here newspapers until we find out every thing we need to know about the hulk.

(Boss picks up a copy with the famous picture of the Hulk running through New York city on the front page.)

BOSS HOGG: Hmmmph! He’s even uglier in the newspaper than he is in person.

(Rosco picks up an issue and his eyes light up)

ROSCO: Ooooo, Boss! Feast your fat little eyes on this one!

(Boss grabs the newspaper from Rosco)

BOSS HOGG: (reading the headline) Incredible Hulk Kills Two: Mysterious creature takes the lives of Doctors Elaina Marks and David Banner.

(Rosco points to pictures of David and Elaina further down on the page)

ROSCO: Boss, look at that guy right there. The one they said the Hulk killed. Ain’t that the guy that jumped into the General Lee after the Hulk attacked the Boar’s Nest yesterday?

BOSS HOGG: (gasps) Yeah, that’s him, alright. And he’s supposed to be dead.

ROSCO: But he ain’t dead.

BOSS HOGG: He sure ain’t

ROSCO: And he IS in Hazzard County.

BOSS HOGG: He sure is. Rosco, do you know what this means?

ROSCO: Are you kiddin’ me?! Of course I…no, what?

BOSS HOGG: You numbskull! It means we can still collect that ten thousand dollar reward!!

ROSCO: How’re we gonna do that?

BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Simple, you knucklehead! We’re gonna go out to the Duke farm right now…

ROSCO: Yeah?

BOSS HOGG: …and arrest David Banner!!

(Scene freezes)

BALLADEER: Well, friends, like they say in all them mystery books: The plot thickens!

(end act 3)