by: Keith

Act Four

ROSCO: Uh, Boss, what if he ain’t out at the Dukes farm like you think?

BOSS HOGG: Well, if that’s the case, I might not be able to collect that reward, but I’ll get to do somethin’ that’ll make me feel just as good.

ROSCO: What’s that?

BOSS HOGG: I’ll be able to arrest Bo and Luke Duke on them fight charges from yesterday!

ROSCO: Ooooohhhhh, Good news! Good news!

(Boss Hogg and Rosco leave the court house and spot Jack McGee in Hazzard Square.)

BOSS HOGG: (over-doing his kindness) Oh, Mr. McGee? Could I see you for a moment, please?

MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, please, I really don’t have time for any more of your shananagins. I’m going to make one last attempt at spotting the Hulk and then I’m getting on the first plane back home.

BOSS HOGG: But, Mr. McGee, I think I can lead you straight to the Hulk. (pulls out copy of National Register) Isn’t that the man the Hulk supposedly killed?

MCGEE: Yes. That’s Dr. David Banner. But he didn’t supposedly kill him, he did it. I saw it with my own eyes.

ROSCO: Boss, if he saw the Hulk kill the guy in that newspaper, then who’s the guy that’s stayin’ with the Dukes?

MCGEE: There’s no one out at that farm except for the Duke family and Mr. Davenport.

BOSS HOGG: That’s where you’re wrong, Mr. McGee. The man in that there newspaper of yours is the same man that was with the Dukes and Cooter yesterday at the Bore’s Nest.

MCGEE: So, you’re saying that Dr. Banner faked his death?

ROSCO: Well, if the King can do it, why can’t he?

BOSS HOGG: (to Rosco) Oh, would you hush up, please?!

MCGEE: And you’re saying that he’s out at the Duke farm right now?

BOSS HOGG: That’s right, Mr. McGee. As a matter of fact, my sheriff and I were just on our way out there to arrest him. (goes back to the kindness routine) And I thought, seein’ as how you got a personal stake in all this, you’d wanna follow us out there and see him for yourself.

MCGEE: Yeah, I think I may just do that.

BOSS HOGG: Alright, you can follow me and sheriff Coltrane out there right now.

MCGEE: Fine, but I warn you, Mr. Hogg. If this is just another attempt by you to con my newspaper out of the reward money, I WILL be filing fraud charges against you as soon as I get back home!

(Boss Hogg cringes)

BOSS HOGG: Alright, alright, fine! I’ll just prove it to ya when we get there!

BALLADEER: Now, while Boss, Rosco, and Jack McGee were headed to the Duke’s farm to arrest David, Luke was re-layin’ out his plan for everyone.

LUKE: Alright, now if everyone meets in town and does exactly like I just told ya, the plan should go off without a hitch.

UNCLE JESSE: Alright, let’s get at it. David, you stay here and stay by the cb in case we need to get in contact with ya.

DAVID: Alright, but listen, everyone. Please be careful. I don’t want any of you getting hurt on my account.

BALLADEER: Now, due to his usual sense of timin’, Cletus was drivin’ down the same road from the Duke’s farm back to Hazzard as Boss, Rosco, and McGee were. So he was about to run into ’em…literally.

(Cletus nearly has a head-on collision with Rosco, but they each swerve and end up side swiping each other. Jack McGee sees this and shakes his head in frustration.)

ROSCO: Cletus, you Dipstick!! Don’t you know the sheriff always has the right of way?!

CLETUS: Sorry, Rosco. Sorry, Cousin Boss. But how did I know y’all would be commin’ down this road the same time as me?!

BOSS HOGG: Never mind that now! Cletus, you follow us back out to the Duke farm! We may need you for back-up!

CLETUS: Back-up? What for? Bo and Luke never give you THAT much trouble.

BOSS HOGG: Well, we ain’t goin’ out there to arrest the Dukes boys! We’re goin’ out there to arrest David Banner!

CLETUS: Who?

ROSCO: (waves fist at Cletus) Cletus, I’m gonna knock you into the middle of next week if you don’t stop askin’ stupid questions and just follow us!

CLETUS: Alright, alright. I’ll follow ya. (to himself) Man, everyone is so uptight around here today.

(Scene switches back to the farm, where everyone is getting into their cars as Rosco, Cletus, and Jack McGee approach)

UNCLE JESSE: Luke, you and Bo get David and Cooter into the house before McGee sees ’em!

BO: Yes, sir!

LUKE: David, Cooter, come on!

(Bo, Luke, David, and Cooter run back into the house and listen at a window)

BOSS HOGG: (getting out of patrol car) Alright, Rosco, search the premises!

UNCLE JESSE: Now, you wait just a minute, J.D.! You ain’t searchin’ nothin’ until I see a search warrant!

BOSS HOGG: Uh-uh! I ain’t waitin’ for no search warrant this time. On account of you Dukes are known to harborin’ a fugitve from justice! Namely one David Banner!

(Bo, Luke, Cooter and David all look at each other in shock)

BO: How the heck did Boss find out?!

LUKE: I don’t know, but he’s bound and determined to make his way in here. I figure Uncle Jesse can hold ‘im off, but I don’t wanna take no chances. David, we’re gonna have t’ sneak you out the back. There’s an old outhouse out there about a half a mile back. You can hide in there until we come get you.

DAVID: Alright.

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you search the house! Cletus, you search the barn!

(As Rosco reaches the porch door, Uncle Jesse grabs his rifle and steps in front of him)

UNCLE JESSE: Rosco, so help me, if you step one foot inside my house, I’m gonna give you a keaster full of buckshot!

ROSCO: What?! Don’t you threaten me, Jesse Duke…

UNCLE JESSE: I ain’t threatenin’ ya! I’m promisin’ ya! Now just get away from my house! Just back off!!

ROSCO: (cowering and backing down) Boss, I think he’s serious about that!

(switch to David climbing out the back window and running into the field behind the house.)

LUKE: Alright, David should be okay until we can get to him. Right now, we need to go out there and give Uncle Jesse and Daisy a hand.

(Just then, a loud metallic snap is heard from behind the house. It is followed by David screaming loudly)

COOTER: Sounds like David’s hurt.

BO: Oh no. Luke, didn’t we set a bear trap out there a few days ago?

LUKE: (with a look of panic on his face) Oh, Lord!

(The boys and cooter run out back to help David)

LUKE: David?

BO: David, are you alright?

(David struggles to get his foot out of the bear trap. His eyes are squinted shut with pain. When he finally opens them, they are white. The boys and Cooter approach to find David starting to change.)

LUKE: Oh, no!

BO: Dangit! We’re too late!

COOTER: I can’t believe my eyes, y’all.

(The boys and Cooter watch in awe as David changes in front of them)

BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I heard a scream! Go around back and see what it is! And Jesse, if you try an’ stop him, I’ll arrest you for obstructing justice!

( Rosco walks out back to “investigate”)

DAISY: What justice, Boss?! This ain’t nothin’ but a ruthless manhunt!

UNCLE JESSE: A man who ain’t done nothin’ to you, J.D.!

(The conversation is stopped by a terrified scream from Rosco. The group looks up to see Rosco flying in mid-air and then land in a pile of hay.)

UNCLE JESSE: Daisy, you got the same feelin’ I do?

DAISY: I sure do, Uncle Jesse.

UNCLE JESSE: Let’s get out back and see what’s goin’ on!

(Jack McGee helps Rosco out of the hay pile)

MCGEE: Sheriff, are you alright?

ROSCO: Of course I’m alright! I’ll tell you what, though. That crash woulda killed ten ordinary men! WOOJEE!!

MCGEE: Maybe the Hulk is here after all. I’ll go around the other side and take a look for myself.

BOSS HOGG: Yeah, you do that, Mr McGee! And me and Sheriff Coltrane will ambush him from this side!

ROSCO: What?! Are you kiddin’ me?! That thing’ll knock us into the middle of next week!!

(Uncle Jesse and Daisy arrive out back)

UNCLE JESSE: Boys, what in tarnation’s goin’ on back here?!

(Uncle Jesse and Daisy stare in silent awe at the Hulk as he stares scrutinizingly at them. Out front, McGee is passing by the barn door just as Cletus is coming out. Cletus hits McGee with the barn door, knocking him out cold.)

CLETUS: Cousin Boss, there ain’t nobody in the barn! (sees McGee on the ground)…Uh oh.

(Out back, the Dukes try to calm the Hulk)

UNCLE JESSE: Luke, is that…?

LUKE: Yeah, Uncle Jesse, that’s David.

UNCLE JESSE: That poor man. But he said he only turns into that thing when he gets mad. What happened out here that got him so riled?

BO: He stepped in that bear trap that me and Luke set out here a few days ago.

UNCLE JESSE: The bear trap?! I specifically told you two not to set that thing less than half a mile out. When are you two gonna learn that when I tell ya to do something a certain way, it’s for a reason?!

(Cletus approaches from the other side of the house)

CLETUS: Hey, guys, what’s goin’ on back…(sees the Hulk and his jaw srops)…buzzards on a buzzsaw, they weren’t kiddin’.

(The Hulk flexes and roars at Cletus, then runs away from the group)

LUKE: Dangit, Cletus! Come on, Bo, let’s get after ‘im!

(Bo and Luke chase after the Hulk, yelling Daivd’s name as they run. Our front, Boss Hogg and Rosco approach McGee as he re-gains consciousness)

BOSS HOGG: Mr. Mcgee! Mr McGee, are you alright?

(Out back, Uncle Jesse gets an idea)

UNCLE JESSE: Cooter, McGee will be commin’ around back here any second now. But he never saw David or the Hulk. So, as long as we got you dressed like that anyway…

COOTER: I read ya loud and clear, Uncle Jesse.

(Cooter starts running toward the barn to make sure McGee can see him)

BOSS HOGG: Mr. McGee! Mr. McGee, there he is! There’s the Hulk!!

ROSCO: Boss, that ain’t the Hulk. You know what? I think that’s Cooter.

BOSS HOGG: What?! You’re wrong, Rosco! That’s gotta be the Hulk!!

ROSCO: Boss, I seen that thing up close. And that ain’t him.

BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you just hush up and let Mr. McGee judge for himself?!

MCGEE: You can give up your charade anytime now, Mr. Hogg. Your sheriff is right. That’s not the Hulk.

BOSS HOGG: What do you mean, that’s not the Hulk?! Take a look at him! That’s gotta be him!

MCGEE: (very angry and frustrated) Mr. Hogg, if I didn’t fall for your little show the first time, what made you think I would fall for it now?

BOSS HOGG: Now, Mr. McGee, I admit that ain’t the Hulk. But I swear to you, as God as my witness, that I had nothin’ t’ do with what Cooter’s doin’ right now!

MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, you can try to lie your way out of this all you want, but I warned you. Now, I WILL be getting on the next flight home and I WILL be filing fraud charges against you when I get there. Good day, gentlemen.

(McGee walks away, gets in his car, and leaves. Boss Hogg attempts to chase after him on foot, but gives up after about fifty feet. About a mile out back, Bo and Luke finally catch up to the Hulk. He is sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree.)

BO: What do you reckon we should do now?

LUKE: Ain’t much we CAN do except wait here until he calms down enough to change back.

(As if on cue, the Hulk starts to slowlt revert back to David)

LUKE: It’s ok, David. Everything’s gonna be alright.

(Bo and Luke help David to his feet.)

DAVID: Was anyone hurt?

BO: (chuckling) Well, you sent Rosco for a little romp in the hay, but otherwise, no.

(Bo and Luke walk David back to the farm house. The scene changes to Boss Hogg’s office as the Balladeer wraps the story up.)

BALLADEER: Well, if y’all are wonderin’ why Boss Hogg is smilin’, it’s because he just found out that McGee had enough time on the plane to cool off. So he changed his mind about pressin’ them fraud charges. Cooter got himself all cleaned up and joined David and the Dukes outside the house. As for David, he firgured that, since the Hulk had been seen by so many people around Hazzard, he better get while the gettin’ was good.

LUKE: David, you sure you don’t wanna stick around and give it one more shot? You just give me a little while, I’ll come up with another plan.

DAVID: Look, I appreciate everything you folks have done for me. But there are just too many people here in Hazzard that know the truth about me and the creature. I have to move on.

UNCLE JESSE: David’s right, Luke. Now that J.D. knows who he is, he’ll never know peace here in Hazzard.

DAISY: We’re just all real sorry we couldn’t help ya settle down here. I hope you find a place to call home someday, David.

DAVID: Thank you, Daisy. Boys…(shakes hands with Bo, Luke, and Cooter.) Be good to yourselves, my friends.

LUKE: You just remember that. If you’re ever passin’ through Hazzard again, you got friends here.

UNCLE JESSE: That ain’t so, Luke.

(everyone gives Uncle Jesse a shocked look.)

UNCLE JESSE: He ain’t got friends here…he’s got family.

DAVID: Thank you, Mr. Duke.

UNCLE JESSE: You call me Uncle Jesse.

DAVID: Thank you, Uncle Jesse. (David shakes hands with Uncle Jesse)

UNCLE JESSE: Good luck, David.

(David throws his leather satchel over his shoulder and leaves the group, and the Duke farm. Scene freezes)

BALLADEER: Well, friends, that just goes t’ show ya. Not every story can have a happy ending…even in Hazzard County.

THE END

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