by: Essy Jane

Welcome to Hazzard, home of good values and trying times. Don’t take my word for it though. We got every type of man from the dirty Sheriff Roscoe to Enos “the oldest virgin in Hazzard County” Strait. Uh huh, that’s diversity for ya. Yep, the best shindigs around trust me, you ain’t ever been to a party until you’ve been to a barn dance with Boss Hogg usually dipping into the cookie jar.

We also got Bo and Luke Duke, they’re cousins. Almost like brothers those two, they live on what’s been famously called the Duke farm. When the Duke boys aren’t farming or chasing after women, they can be found fighting the system. They’re thicker than molasses those two.

Over at the Boar’s Nest we got a very wonderful attraction and I don’t mean the peanuts, Daisy Duke, one of the toughest gals you will ever lay your eyes on. Shoots like the best cowboys around and wrestles pretty darn well too. Don’t get in her way though, Daisy may look pretty but she has a temper.

Don’t forget Jesse Duke, he may look like an old timer but watch out now, because he’s still got some tricks up his sleeves. Jesse is the patriarch of the family. He watches over the boys like they was his own. His boys were given probation in exchange for Jesse not making any more corn whiskey, better known in these parts as moonshine. Now, the shine business had been going on for generations. Sure made ol’ Jesse sad to give it up but he would do anything for those boys.

Now, it may look like a sleepy little County but a lot goes on here. You would have never guessed it in a place like Hazzard. If you look in the sleepy town you see most of the same rituals. Cooter Davenport is usually fiddling with cars. Mr. Rhuebottom cleans up his store and sells the goods. Maybelle is the town operator. They’s all doing their jobs but you can see differences.

First off, there usually is a white haired woman delivering mail, Emma Tizdale. Have you ever seen a motorcycle derby? Well folks, you could count on Miss Tizdale beating the pants off every person that is in her way. Yep, Hazzard County was different.

Bo and Luke Duke weren’t to be seen on the roads of Hazzard as they usually were. They were off helping a family with their roof. The boys always did odd jobs for neighbours in need. Bo was working on one side of the roof and Luke the other. “I’m beating you out of the water Bo,” Luke commented as he put his last nail in. Bo laughed.

“For once, you’re in a hurry and I’m taking my time. I guess I should be giving you one of those famous lectures you give me. Let’s see if I can do it right,” Bo began. He cleared his throat and straightened up.

“Bo, don’t you dare.”

“Now Luke, quit fooling around, I ain’t about to have the roof leak because you wanna speed through.” Bo’s shoulders drooped. “How was that?” Luke shook his head and started laughing.

“Why are you taking your sweet time Bo?”

“Mrs. Carmichael needs this roof done right like I said.”

“Oh come on Bo, I know you better than that.”

“Linda doesn’t need her pretty little head rained on. How would she feel if she had drenched hair all the time?”

“Ah, Linda you say?”

“Yeah.”

“Another one of your perspective candidates?”

“Oh yeah.” The boys got off the roof finally and told Mrs. Carmichael they were done. She offered them a glass of water which they took as payment.

“You boys are heroes,” she said softly.

“No problem,” Luke replied. Soon the boys were on their way home to help their Uncle Jesse with the chores.

For Uncle Jesse and the boys, an adventure was about to begin. You see, there was something different going on here, something real different. An engine, now you might not think that’s all that different but in Hazzard but a new-fangled engine means fresh blood. Not to mention all the attention in Hazzard County.

This particular piece of work roared across the roads of Hazzard County. Man, I wish I was in that vehicle right this very second. The engine was really built for speed. The person behind the wheel of this particular vehicle was about to go on the greatest adventure of all. After all folks you have to remember, this isn’t like any other county I’ve been to.

The white pickup, know to all folks in Hazzard, swerved out of control. Nope, those boys ain’t in sight this time. Sure they’d be here soon but probably not in time. You see their Uncle Jesse was inside and yes, he was having problems. It wasn’t usual for him to have problems. Think about it, he’d been driving since he was eight.

The race car turned sharply from side to side…almost in the same rhythm as the pickup. The daring driver had a mission, to save this man. Now let me tell you friends, this wasn’t any Duke boy I knew. It wasn’t the common General Lee that was usually set in the streets of Hazzard.

The car was a Charger that was full of life like the General but you couldn’t miss that wonderful car for all the soda pop in the world. Uh huh, an Orange car with a confederate flag on the top, well let’s just say you ain’t gonna camouflage it with the road.

The driver seemed to know what he or she was doing. When watching this stranger drive, you would almost think he was native to Hazzard County. With his or her sharp turns and fun personality. The driver wasn’t all that familiar to all Hazzard County folk. It had been so long since this person had been back there.

A black cowgirl hat flipped off and wild hair shot out of it like snakes trapping their prey. She let out a wild yahoo. She was a stranger among many people. The young woman worked her magic as she tapped the breaks. The truck was slowed down. He sat for a moment, catching his breath. The whole experience of a car being out of control wasn’t new to him. However, Jesse like any normal person had a normal reaction, relief.

“Thank you ma’am,” Jesse said as he got out of his truck.

“Let’s see what’s wrong with your truck shall we,” The girl replied. She got under the truck and looked around.

“Honey, I could have done that.”

“It’s no problem, really.”

“You’re Aunt would be proud of you. You know that Miss Essy?”

“How’d you recognize me, Jesse?”

“Oh come on Essy, you look just like your Aunt did at this age.” The young woman pushed herself up from under the car and smiled at him. Jesse went red in the face thinking of her Aunt and what she would say with this incident. Essy winked at the aging bearded man.

“You’re a wonderful man Jesse and I am surprised I bumped into you.” She climbed back under that truck of his. Essy looked around.

“Well young lady, thank you for your help.”

“Jesse, if I didn’t help you, my Auntie would tan my hide.”

“No she wouldn’t.”

“Oh yes she would. You’re her favourite after all.”

“You think so?”

“Oh Honey, I know so.”

“Thank you for being so kind to an old man. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

Bo and Luke were driving down the same road that their Uncle Jesse was speeding down. Both boys glared over just as Essy got up from under the pickup truck. “Hey, Uncle Jesse has his hood up,” Luke noted. Bo nodded.

“I wonder if something’s wrong,” Bo replied. They finally saw the young lady talking with their Uncle Jesse. Now friends, you can imagine a reaction from a couple of country boys, yep they liked her.

There was only one catch, she was no one Bo and Luke had ever laid their eyes on before. It was like something out of a romance novel. She was gorgeous and helping their loved one. That red hair blew softly in the wind and those blue eyes pierced both Bo and Luke’s hearts.

Her skin was fair and light. She wore brown tinted lipstick and had a smile that would tame the most wretched beast. Now I tell you one thing, if I were Bo and Luke I would be snagging up that girl before you could say Sandra Sander’s simple Sunday scissors slice slimly slippery slugs.

I could just see that look in Bo’s eyes. He could detect a good girl from a mile away…call it Bo radar if you will. He seemed to be straighten up as we speak. Ready to roll on the famous Duke charm. His Bo radar was going strong. “Who in the world is that?” Bo questioned. Y’see, he’s using it already.

“I don’t know…I ain’t ever seen her before in my life,” Luke replied blankly.

“I wonder if she’s staying here for a spell.”

“Probably not…a girl like that?” Luke stared at her face for a second. “Hey, I know her from somewhere.”

“No you don’t, I don’t think she’s ever been here before.” He couldn’t put the face to a name but somehow she seemed familiar. It was in the eyes. Luke sometimes had problems with names but could never forget a face.

Bo pulled off onto the side of the road as if under hypnosis. He wanted to meet this mystery girl. Now friends, nothing comes between a boy and his heart. Young people have this true love with everyone. Not because they want to but because every young person don’t know what true love is.

Luke and Bo got out of the General Lee and looked over at the black Charger. Luke was more interested in the car instead of the girl but that was only because of how similar it was to the General. Sure, the car had some differences but what were they? Luke wanted a better look at this engine.

“Woe, Uncle Jesse. You’re here. I mean umm…what are you doing here Uncle Jesse? No that’s not it…what I mean is what are you doing in the middle of the road with a younger lady Uncle Jesse?” Bo questioned. Now I am glad Bo stopped when he did…that boy could’ve gotten himself into a whole mess of trouble if he kept his lips moving.

“You boy, are a bit nutty. I tell ya kid…keep your mind on the important things instead of the stuff that doesn’t matter. If you must know, I was spinning out of control until this young lady saved me,” Uncle Jesse commented.

“Yeah Uncle Jesse…that’s what they all say, I bet you planned this. I think you wanted me to settle down.” The young woman laughed. She patted Bo on the head and got back under the truck.

“I wouldn’t do that for you Bo, I told you before if you want something, earn it.”

“Yes sir.”

“If you want a relationship boy, you have to get it yourself.”

“I can do that.”

“I ain’t about to go out and lasso you a lady friend.”

“So she really did save your life?”

“You bet your boots she did. I am mighty grateful too ma’am.”

“It was no trouble at all. I don’t even see why you’re mentioning it. I was glad to be there for someone like you Jesse Duke. You know my Auntie tells me stories all the time about you,” she replied.

“Is that so? Well our Uncle Jesse is famous around these parts. He is the shine king. I mean—was the shine king,” Bo said.

“I am still the shine king. I just ain’t allowed to make it is all,” Uncle Jesse snuffed.

“Sorry Uncle Jesse.”

“Apology accepted.” Essy jumped up with a tube in her hand.

“Here’s your problem Jesse, your break line was ripped open. It doesn’t look like it has been cut purposely though,” Essy commented.

“Land sakes, if it weren’t for you, I would have been dead. You know, it must have been that shortcut I took. Dang!” Uncle Jesse grumbled. Now Bo was about to use his charm.

“I hope you know to be with a Duke is like being with a movie star,” Bo mumbled.

“Ma’am, do you mind if I look under your hood?” Luke asked. The girl smiled. She loved when people would admire her 1969 charger. The girl popped the hood and Luke marvelled at the engine. He couldn’t believe how similar the General Lee and this car called…Uncle Sam really was.

“Do you like it?” The girl asked.

“Yeah, where’d you get the idea from?”

“My Aunt wrote me about a bright orange car with a 01 painted on the door. I wanted to see if I could reconstruct that car as you boys did. I didn’t want to copy y’all. I mean it wouldn’t be right.”

“Thank goodness for your sense of right and wrong ma’am.”

“I did my own colour scheme to make it somewhat different. I also wanted to make my patriotism known. This car had to show the country and not just the south. I wanted it to mark all of United States. Uncle Sam was the only name I could come up with. I figured if you were 01 then I would be 13.”

“Ah…makes sense. Meaning the beginning of the United States right?”

“You’re a clever man Luke.”

“Thank you.”

“They started with 13 colonies and ended up with a great nation. One in which we can practice rights that some people only dream of. A country that has grown over the years…she’s our country.” Luke stared at the American flag painted on the top with an eagle painted on the trunk.

“What’s your name?”

“Essy-Jane, all my friends call me Essy and that’s all you need to know. You will see me again boys and I guarantee it.”

“Don’t leave now; you have to—tell me more about yourself!” Bo exclaimed. Essy giggled. She kissed Bo on the forehead and did the same to Luke. Essy climbed into Sam and drove off. Bo was drooling over her like a hound dog over a bone. Uncle Jesse snapped his fingers a few times to get Bo out of his trance.

“You are girl crazy you know that?” Uncle Jesse commented.

“I can’t disagree with you there Uncle Jesse. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be Bo Duke,” Bo replied with a big smile on your face.

“True. Your first kiss was when you were four. I remember what you did too. You fixed the girl’s doll and she gave you a kiss. It was funny to watch.”

“I can’t help if girls like me.”

“Would you tie your ego down for just a minute? Now Cooter is coming to get the pickup. If you weren’t so busy drooling over Essy you would have heard me call Cooter.”

“I wasn’t drooling.”

“Yeah and that’s why there’s a puddle at your feet.” Bo looked down and then up again. Uncle Jesse began to laugh. Uncle Jesse does have a sense of humour. “Made ya look.”

“That wasn’t funny.”

“Sure looked funny to me.”

“I don’t drool over girls.”

“Boy, if you could see the look on your face every time you see a girl.”

“That’s because I haven’t found a steady girl yet.”

“With the way you’re looking, you won’t ever find a steady girl.” Luke began to laugh. Bo glared at him.

“Not funny Luke.”

“Sure it is,” Luke answered.

“You ain’t likely of settling down either. You would have to find some woman who is as wild as you.”

“Look whose talking? You’re more likely to settle down with a pig than a woman.”

“A pig…why I outta…”

“Find a Hog.”

“Now just wait a minute, I ain’t gonna date no Hogg. Then again, if we made Boss mad…”

“Bo, you got Boss Hogg on the brain. I meant a good swine.”

“Be quiet Lukas.”

“In your dreams Beauregard!”

“My name’s Bo, Lukas.”

“Boys, simmer down. I don’t want to hear you two whimpering over who is gonna marry a pig. Outta all three of ya, I bet Daisy will get married first. So, no more of this nonsense,” Uncle Jesse cut in.

“Yes sir,” Luke said.

“Yes sir,” Bo growled.

“So will you boys give me a ride home?”

“Sure that’s not a problem Uncle Jesse on one condition.”

“You’re making conditions with me? After all I have done for you? I have raised you, I fed you, kept a roof over your head…”

“Okay, I’m sorry, I won’t ask for conditions just please tell me who her kin is I just know her from some where.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“If you already know her then why can’t you just tell me?”

“Well Bo, it’s more fun this way. Search through my albums and you’ll find out who she is.”

“Oh come on Uncle Jesse!”

“Remember, nothing is for free around here. Always remember that.”

“Yes sir.” Luke slapped his cousin in the back of the head before Bo got into the driver’s seat.

“What’d you go and do that for Luke?”

“To make sure you were awake,” Luke answered.

“Well I am so thanks for the gesture.”

“Anytime cousin.” Bo started up the engine of his car and drove on. Our poor Bo just couldn’t keep her off his mind. Essy’s beauty radiated through his heart. In fact with all the love going through the air, Bo forgot all about the little siren that was behind him. “Bo is you alive or do you want me to show Rosco who is boss from the passenger’s seat?”

Bo finally realized what Luke was talking about. He put the gas to the floor and sped away. Uncle Jesse wondered what got into that boy. He wouldn’t ask because Bo still was going through it.