by: Keith

ROSCO: Enos…cuff me and stuff me!

(Enos reluctantly pulls out his handcuffs and approaches Rosco)

ENOS: Yessir, Sheriff…

LUKE: Rosco, listen, we all appreciate what you’re tryin’ to do. We know you’re sorry and, like Uncle Jesse said, we forgive ya. But quittin’ your sheriff’s job ain’t gonna get me and Bo outta these casts and wheelchairs any faster.

UNCLE JESSE: Rosco, angry as I am right now, I gotta admit Luke’s right. You quittin’ ain’t gonna help the boys none. (smiles politely) Besides, you and Enos are the only law we got in Hazzard. And, as good as he is, Enos can’t handle it all by himself.

ROSCO: Oh, tiddly tuddly! The only real crimes that ever happen in Hazzard are whatever comes from (points to Boss) that little fat meadow muffin and his hair-brained schemes. And without me around to do all his dirty work for him, even he doesn’t have enough money to pay off all the help he’d need. Enos’ll do just fine on his own (looks Enos up and down) even if he IS a dipstick! Now, come on, Enos. Do like I told ya (holds out his hands) and slap the cuffs on.

ENOS: Beggin’ yer pardon, Sheriff…what charge am I arrestin’ ya on?

ROSCO: Oh, good grief! Enos, you saw what happened at Stix River, right?

ENOS: Yessir.

ROSCO: You know Bo and Luke coulda died, right?

ENOS: Yessir.

ROSCO: And ya know it was all my fault, right?

ENOS: Yessir.

ROSCO: Well, what does all that add up to?

(Enos stares, confused, at Rosco)

ROSCO: It adds up to attempted murder! (shakes his head) You are a dipstick!

(Uncle Jesse interrupts)

UNCLE JESSE: Rosco, there’s one thing you seem to be forgettin’…

ROSCO: (getting frustrated) What?

UNCLE JESSE: Well, it seems to me that, in order for you to go to jail for a big federal rap like that, us Dukes’d have to press charges against ya. An’ I already told ya we forgive ya. So yer either gonna hafta think of somethin’ else or just keep on bein’ sheriff. (chuckles)

ENOS: I’m aweful sorry, Uncle Jesse, I gotta arrest the sheriff just the same.

UNCLE JESSE: How can you do that without us pressin’ any charges?

ENOS: With all the evidence we got against him, and the fact that he just confessed to everything, not to mention that his last order to me as sheriff was to arrest him. I’m afraid all that makes it my sworn duty to take him into custody.

(Enos puts his handcuffs on Rosco and starts to walk him to his patrol car. He looks around at the group)

ENOS: I’m real sorry about this, y’all.

BALLADEER: I don’t know about y’all, but I didn’t figure on seein’ nuthin’ like this when I got outta bed this mornin’.

(Uncle Jesse addresses Boss as he watches Enos take Rosco away)

UNCLE JESSE: I hope yer proud of yerself, J.D.! Not only did you almost get my boys killed over some dang fool race, you just lost Hazzard County it’s one and only sheriff!

BOSS HOGG: Now you hold on just a minute there, Jesse! That’s a pretty strong accusation you just made! You heard what Rosco said in that hospital room. He pulled the brake line off the General Lee, not me!

UNCLE JESSE: He wouldn’ta done that lessin’ you told him to, and you know it!

BOSS HOGG: I never once told him to pull out that brake line! As a matter of fact, I told him to make sure the General Lee couldn’t move at all!

LUKE: So you admit that you told Rosco to tinker with the General…which makes you an accessory to the crime.

BOSS HOGG: (starting to panic) uh uh uh! I ain’t an accessory to nuthin’! Rosco done just the opposite of what I told him to do!

LUKE: Don’t matter, Boss. It’s all the same in the eyes of the law.

DAISY: And seein’ how you don’t own the law in Hazzard no more, Boss, that puts you right in that prison cell next to Rosco.

UNCLE JESSE: I’ll tell ya somethin’ else, J.D….if I didn’t have to get the boys back home right now, I’d be makin’ a citizen’s arrest on you. So if I was you, I’d be headed back to that jail house right now to see if I couldn’t talk Rosco into reconsiderin’ his resignation. (turns to Bo and Luke) Come on, boys. We gotta figure out a way to get you two home.

(The Dukes and Cooter walk away, leaving Boss Hog standing by himself, figuring out what his next move should be. Scene switches to county court house booking room. It’s about a half hour later. Rosco and Enos have just arrived and Enos is preparing to take Rosco’s mug shot)

ENOS: Just hold still, hold up your number, and look at the camera, Sheriff.

ROSCO: Enos, first of all, I know how to take a mug shot! I’ve done it to prisoners hundereds of times! Second of all, stop callin’ me sheriff! I ain’t the sheriff no more! You are! Matter of fact….(takes his badge off and hands it to Enos) Here, this is yours now. Besides, (his tone becomes very humble) it wouldn’t be fittin’ for the Sheriff’s badge to be taken in a mug shot.

ENOS: (taking the badge from Rosco) Sheriff…

(Rosco points and makes a noise)

ENOS: Sorry, sir. Force of habit. I don’t want your job. ‘Specially not this way. I’m happy just bein’ deputy. ‘Sides, who’s gonna be the new Sheriff is Mr. Hogg’s decision. I don’t reckon I’m what he’s lookin’ for.

ROSCO: (looks away and raises his eyebrows) Ain’t that the truth!

ENOS: I figure he’ll bring in one of his own kin. Maybe he’ll get Cletus back.

ROSCO: Are you kiddin’me?! I’d rather eat cold grits out of a pig’s slop bucket than see that dipstick be sheriff! Besides, Boss won’t pick him. When push comes to shove, he’s about as crooked as you are. I know how that little fat comquat thinks. If he picks anyone, it’ll be that no account jackass nephew of his, Hughie!

ENOS: I sure hope not, sir. Every time Hughie comes back to Hazzard, he tries to pull the whole town right out from under Mr. Hogg’s nose. I reckon Mr. Hogg has learned his lesson about Hughie by now.

ROSCO: Enos, I’ll never understand how someone could be such a good lawman when he’s got the brains of a turnip. Ain’t you learned nothin’ today?! (gets very philosophical) You take a man with all the greed jealousy, and contempt that the Boss has got and you can throw good judgement right out the window. I just wish it hadn’t taken me twenty years of bein’ his lacky to figure that out. (looks Enos straight in the eyes and snaps back to normal) Now will ya just finish takin’ these dumb mugshots and lets get on with it?!

ENOS: Yessir.

BALLADEER: Friends, I once dreamed of the day when Rosco would say those words….then I woke up in a cooold sweat!

(Scene switches back to the Dukes farm, with paramedics helping Bo and Luke out of an ambulance)

BALLADEER: Back at the farm, the Dukes was just arrivin’ home. Uncle Jesse had gotten a couple of paramedics to drive the boys back in an ambulance, seein’ as how there wasn’t no way the boys was gonna fit in either Uncle Jesse’s or Cooter’s trucks while they was in them wheel chairs.

(Uncle Jesse thanks the paramedics as they prepare to pull away)

UNCLE JESSE: Alright, boys, let’s see what we can do about gettin’ you two inside. You must be hungry as bears after all ya been through today.

LUKE: You better believe it.

BO: Ya read my mind, Uncle Jesse.

DAISY: Uncle Jesse, wouldn’t it be easier to just bring everything out here to the picnic table rather than have the boys try to work their way around the kitchen?

UNCLE JESSE: Now, Daisy, we gotta get the boys inside sooner or later. They can’t very well spend the next three weeks out here in the back yard. Besides, we might as well do it now while we got Cooter here to help us out. But I’ll tell ya what, ya think you two will be alright out here for a few minutes while we go inside and get lunch?

BO: Shoot, you don’t gotta worry about us, Uncle Jesse.

LUKE: Yeah, I reckon we’ll be alright.

UNCLE JESSE: Alright, then. Come on, Daisy and Cooter. Let’s go inside and get lunch ready.

(the groups starts to walk away and Uncle Jesse looks back)

UNCLE JESSE: You boys holler if ya need anything, hear?

BO: Yes, sir.

LUKE: You got it.

BO: I’ll tell ya somethin’, Luke…once we’re healed and outta these wheelchairs, I ain’t never gonna take my legs for granted again.

LUKE: Yeah, I know what ya mean.

BO: Well, we’re out here by ourselves but we can’t exactly get up and walk around, what do you figure we should do now?

LUKE: Well, we can sit here feelin’ sorry for ourselves, (examines his wheelchair) or we can figure out how to work these things so we don’t have to burdon Uncle Jesse and Daisy with pushin’ us around everywhere.

(Switch to inside the farm house. Daisy goes to the refridgerator, Cooter gets plates from the cupboard, and Uncle Jesse goes into the living room)

UNCLE JESSE: You two get lunch goin’. I got an important phone call to make.

(Scene switches back to court house with Boss Hogg arriving)

BALLADEER: While Bo and Luke was outside adjustin’ to their wheel chairs and Uncle Jesse, Daisy, and Cooter was inside gettin’ lunch, Boss had arrived back at the court house and was startin’ to work on savin’ his own skin.

(As Boss Hogg enters, Enos is shuffling through paperwork with Rosco in the cell to the left)

ENOS: Oh, howdy, Mr. Hogg! Yer just in time! I need ya to sign these here papers for the Sheriff’s arrest so I can file ’em.

ROSCO: Enos! How many times do I gotta tell ya to stop callin’ me Sheriff?!

BOSS HOGG: Will you just hush up and never mind about that?! Alright, Enos, listen…while I sign these here papers, I want you to get back out on speed trap duty…

ROSCO: What’s the point in that? It ain’t like the Duke boys are gonna be on the road.

BOSS HOGG: Didn’t I just tell you to zip?

ROSCO: No, you said hush…

BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Oh, would you please…

ENOS: Beggin’ your pardon, Mr. Hogg, Rosco’s right. Bo and Luke are pretty much the only ones we ever catch runnin’ our speed traps. With them laid up and the General broken, there really don’t seem to be much point in goin’ out there. Besides, after you sign these papers, I gotta file ’em.

BOSS HOGG: Never you mind about that there papework. I’ll take care of filin’ it for ya just as soon as I finish signin’ it all. You just get out there like I told ya and start writin’ tickets!

ENOS: (reluctantly) Yessir, Mr. Hogg.

BOSS HOGG: And, Enos, for every ticket you don’t write, I’m takin’ ten dollars outta your paycheck!

ENOS: Yessir, Mr. Hogg!

(Enos rushes out)

BALLADEER: Now, folks, Y’all know that threat don’t make no sense, and I know it don’t make no sense. Shoot, I’ll bet even Enos knows it don’t make no sense. But he also knows there ain’t no tellin’ what kind of number Boss’ll come up with if he comes back empty-handed.

ROSCO: Alright, Boss…wadda you got up your fat little sleeve that you needed Enos outta here so bad for?!

(Boss Hogg picks up the paperwork)

BOSS HOGG: Just this…

(he tears up the paperwork)

ROSCO: JEEJEE!!! Boss, are you outta your pee-pickin’ mind?! Ya can’t tear up legal documents like that! That’s a felony, ya know!

BOSS HOGG: (holding his lighter under the paperwork to burn it) It’s only a crime if they can find the documents!

(he throws the burning documents into the trash)

BOSS HOGG: Now you listen to me…if I let you go up on these charges like you want to, the judge is gonna ask you if anyone was in on it with ya. And, knowin you, you’ll crack like a hard-boiled egg under the pressure. That’d have me goin’ up the river right beside ya. And since I ain’t about to let that happen…

(Boss takes the keys off the wall and unlocks Rosco’s cell)

BOSS HOGG: I’m just gonna have to drop all the charges against ya. You’re free to go. Now, get your Sheriff’s badge back on and get out there on speedtrap duty with Enos.

(Boss Hogg starts to walk away)

ROSCO: You just don’t get it, do ya?! Charges or no charges, I ain’t bein’ sheriff no more! And besides, you can’t drop the charges since you never pressed ’em. I did and I ain’t changin’ my mind!

BOSS HOGG: Well, you ain’t gotta change your mind. On account of, me bein’ county commissioner around here, the paperwork ain’t final til I sign it. And since I ain’t gonna sign it, there ain’t no charges!

ROSCO: Fine! Have it your way, you little fat meadow muffin! But I still ain’t goin’ back to bein’ sheriff!

(we start to see smoke comming out of the trash barrel)

ROSCO: There’s plenty of other jobs around town I could do. (smiles) Maybe I could go scoop ice cream over at the ice cream shop! That’d be a yummy job! CUCU!! (looks at Boss and turns serious again) Sorry, Boss, but I’m standin’ by my resignation. (starts to exit and looks down) And yer trash is on fire.

BOSS HOGG: (gasps and goes into his screaming routine) Water! I need water! (finds a glass of water on the booking table and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out, but a big cloud of smoke bursts up into Boss’s face. He goes back into his screaming and whining routine)

(scene switches back to the farm, with Bo and Luke getting around in their wheelchairs)

BALLADEER: While Boss was busy keepin’ the county court house from burnin’ down, the boys was gettin’ used to gettin’ around in their wheelchairs. Friends, there just ain’t nuthin’ on wheels a Duke can’t handle.

LUKE: Hey, Bo, you think ya got the hang of that thing yet?

BO: Yeah, I think I can control it pretty good.

LUKE: You up for a little challenge?

BO: (smirks) Waddaya got in mind?

LUKE: From here to the picnic table and back.

BO: (squinting a little) Heck, that can’t be more than about fifty feet. Why not?

LUKE: Ok, get over here next to me.

(Bo moves into position next to Luke)

LUKE: On yer mark….get set….GO!

(Bo and Luke both start pushing their wheelchairs as fast as they can)

BALLADEER: Friends and neighbors, it can now be said without exaggeration. If it’s got wheels, a Duke has raced it!

(Luke reaches the picnic table just ahead of Bo. Bo takes the lead on the turn-around and manages to beat Luke to the finish. He turns around to shake hands with Luke as he finishes)

BO: Nice try, Luke. Guess this proves cars ain’t the only things I drive better than you.

LUKE: You kiddin’ me? You wouldn’ta had a chance if didn’t get to make the turn from the inside.

(Bo laughs. While talking, Luke fails to see a large pebble under his left wheel and rolls over it, throwing his chair off balance. He begins to topple)

BO: LUKE!!

(Bo tries to grab Luke, but reaches too far and causes his own chair to topple)

(scene freezes)

BALLADEER: Y’all realize that Bo and Luke wouldn’t be in this mess if Boss hadn’ta cut off their bar tab?

TO BE CONTINUED….