by: Keith
(Bo and Luke’s chairs tip over, and the boys fall to the ground. Switch to inside the house, where Uncle Jesse, Daisy, and Cooter here the crash of the chairs and the boys screams of pain)
UNCLE JESSE: What in tarnation is happenin’ out there??
(Uncle Jessse runs for the door and Cooter looks out the window)
COOTER: I ain’t sure how, but Bo and Luke fell outta their wheel chairs and they’re lyin’ on the ground.
(switch back to Bo and Luke, with very pained looks on their faces.)
LUKE: Bo, you alright?
BO: (wincing) Not really. Dangit! That hurt!
(Luke sees everyone headed toward he and Bo)
LUKE: Well, the hurtin’ in our legs ain’t gonna be nuthin compared to the hurtin’ in our ears after we tell Uncle Jesse how we ended up on the ground like this.
(The group approaches)
DAISY: Oh, my goodness!!
COOTER: Hey, y’all alright?
UNCLE JESSE: What happened? How’d you two end up on the ground like that? We wasn’t inside more’n a few minutes.
(Uncle Jesse looks perplexed, squints, and looks back and forth from where the boys are to where they had been)
UNCLE JESSE: How’d you two end up all the way over here, anyway?
(Bo and Luke look at each other sheepishly, both studdering and stumbling over their words.)
BALLADEER: While the boys was dancin’around the truth quicker than a fox outrunnin’ a shotgun after he’d been caught stealin’ the only chicken in the henhouse…
(scene switches to the county court house, where Boss Hogg sits in his office with a pile of sausages in front of him)
BALLADEER: Boss was havin’ a little snack while he tried to come up with a way to force Rosco back into his sheriff’s job.
BOSS HOGG: (talking to himself) Come on, J.D., think! You’ve conned some of the smartest businessmen and con artists in the south! Why can’t you come up with a way to con one of the biggest knuckleheads that ever walked the earth?? (gets a devilish grin on his face, and in a maliscious whisper) I got it…
(Scene switches to the Duke farm, the next morning. Bo and Luke sit at the picnic table, waiting for Uncle Jesse and Daisy to bring breakfast out. Uncle Jesse approaches with a stack of pancakes in one hand and a bottle of syrup in another. Daisy follows with a plate of home fries in one hand and a stack of plates and silverware in the other)
UNCLE JESSE: Well, boys, you better eat up quick. I just called Cooter and he’s on his way over to pick you two up.
LUKE: How’s he gonna fit us into his tow truck?
UNCLE JESSE: He ain’t takin’ you in his tow truck. He’s bringin’ over a wooden ramp so you can get in the bed of my pick-up.
LUKE: That takes care of fittin’ us into somethin’. But what happens once we start movin’?
UNCLE JESSE: Them wheel chairs got brakes on ’em. And just to be safe, there’s hooks on the sides of the bed. We’ll rig some kind of seatbelts once you’re in it.
BO: Uncle Jesse, why you got Cooter commin’ to get us, anyway? There’s still a lot we can do around here even if we’re stuck in these things.
UNCLE JESSE: (looking at the boys scrutinizingly) After the stunt you pulled yesterday, do you really think I’d be able to get any work done around here, wonderin’ what you two was up to?
(Bo and Luke look at each other with guilty expressions)
DAISY: Uncle Jesse’s right, fellas. Besides, wouldn’t you rather be helpin’ Cooter put the General back in shape?
LUKE: Sure we would. But who’s gonna be here pickin’ up the slack for us?
UNCLE JESSE: I got that all taken care of.
(a powerful engine can be heard approaching from the background)
UNCLE JESSE: (smiling) Matter of fact, here comes your answer now.
LUKE: (to Bo) The engine sound familiar to you?
BO: (confused) Yeah…(his confusion changes to a smile) Hey, y’know, that sounds a lot like….
(The yellow muscle car that Bo and Luke drove home from the Nascar curcuit in pulls up to the right of the picnic table. Vance pokes his head out the window)
VANCE: (With a big grin on his face) Howdy!
(Uncle Jesse stands and walks over to the car)
UNCLE JESSE: There’s my other two favorite nephews! Get on outta that car and come over to the table and have some flapjacks with us!
(Coy emerges from the passenger’s side)
COY: Shoot, Uncle Jesse! You always did know just the right thing to say!
VANCE: You got that right, partner. We been drivin’ since before the sun came up and we’re hungry as bears!
UNCLE JESSE: Well, then, you just sit right down and let Daisy fill up a couple o’ plates for ya.
COY: I’ll tell ya somethin’, Uncle Jesse…we never could resist you and Daisy’s cookin’.
LUKE: (smirking) Y’all will have to forgive me and Bo for not standin’ up.
VANCE: Don’t you two worry about a thing. Uncle Jesse told us all about the stunt that Boss and Rosco pulled that landed you two in them wheel chairs.
DAISY: So this was that important phone call you were makin’ yesterday, Uncle Jesse?
UNCLE JESSE: (passing a plate to Coy) Yeah, see I figured that if Coy and Vance could come back for a spell, that would give Bo and Luke a chance to go down to the garage with Cooter and work on the General.
LUKE: Speakin’ of you two commin’ back, I take it to mean that Uncle Albert is on the mend…
VANCE: Well, he’s mendin’ just fine. But he’s still gettin’ on in years and can’t handle all the farm chores on his own. The kids help out all they can, but they got their school work to think about. So, unfortunately, as soon as y’all are on the mend, we gotta be headin’ back.
BO: Well, what’s Uncle Albert doin’ in the meantime?
VANCE: Well, this week is school vacation, so the boys are helpin’ out more’n usual…
COY: And we talked to most of the farmers that live nearbye, and they said they’d be happy to help out.
VANCE: Speakin’ of helpin’ out, Coy and me’ll be down at Cooter’s helpin’ y’all put the General back together whenever we’re not here doin’ chores.
DAISY: Heck, with the five of ya workin’ on him, the General might just be back to normal before you boys are.
COY: Shoot, with all of us down there, it’ll be like turnin’ Cooter’s garage into the General’s own private MASH unit.
(scene switches to the Hazzard Ice Cream Shop, where we see Rosco behind the counter wearing a white shirt and pants, a black bow tie, and a candy-striped apron and hat.)
BALLADEER: Meanwhile, back in town, Rosco was gettin’ acquainted with the tools of his new trade. Uh huh…he was serious when he said that.
ROSCO: (grinning) CU! CU! This is gonna be more fun than I thought! (opens the ice cream freezer) Ooooooooo….look at all them yummy flavors! CU CU! I gotta be careful I don’t eat my paycheck in ice cream! CU CU!
(Rosco notices three long skinny pistols sticking up out of the counter)
ROSCO: Oh, look at this! I still get to have a weapon by my side! (picks up one of the pistols and points it at himself) I wonder what these things are for, anyway…
(he accidently pulls the trigger and gets a facefull of chocolate syrup)
ROSCO: Doa-oah!! (drops gun and waves his fist at it) JEEJEE!! Don’t you threaten me! I’ll cuff ya and stuff ya! (his look turns very sad) No I won’t. I can’t do that no more…(whimpers)
(switch back to the farm, where Cooter is attaching the ramp to Uncle Jesse’s pick-up)
BALLADEER: While Rosco was busy arguin’ with the syrup gun, Cooter had arrived at the farm and was just about ready to help Bo and Luke onto the bed of Uncle Jesse’s truck.
COOTER: Alright, fellas, y’all ready to hop on board?
LUKE: Ready and waitin’, Cooter…
VANCE: Hang on, fellas. Coy and Me’ll give y’all a hand.
(As Vance approaches Luke’s wheelchair, he looks off into the distance)
VANCE: Hey, Uncle Jesse, is this the day the mortgage is due?
UNCLE JESSE: (holding a stack of dirty plates) I gave J.D. the mortgage payment last week. What makes ya ask that?
VANCE: I just can’t think of any other reason why Boss Hogg would be payin’ us a visit this early in the mornin’. (Vance nods to where he was looking)
(The group turns to see Boss Hogg’s cadillac pulling up.)
LUKE: Well, I doubt Boss is dumb enough to try to pin any charges on me and Bo right now. And he don’t know you and Coy are here. This oughta be pretty interestin’.
(Boss gets out of his car and approaches the group)
BOSS HOGG: Mornin’, Jesse, daisy…Cooter. Bo and Luke, how are you two fine boys feelin’ this mornin?
BO: (grinning sarcastically) Just about the same as yesterday, Boss.
COY: Yeah, and they’re gonna be feelin’ this way for quite a while thanks to You and Rosco.
(Boss looks beyond Bo and Luke and gasps, with a shocked look on his face)
BOSS HOGG: Coy and Vance Duke??!! Again?! Tarnation, are you gonna show up every time them cousins of yours get into trouble?
COY: You better believe it, Boss.
VANCE: Shoot, we wouldn’t be Dukes if we wasn’t around to help out when family needed us.
UNCLE JESSE: Alright, J.D…I gave ya the mortgage last week, and you’da sent Rosco over if you was gonna try and pin any phony charges on my boys, so what brings ya here?
BOSS HOGG: Well, that’s just it, Jesse. I can’t send Rosco over. On account of, he ain’t sheriff no more.
LUKE: You mean he seriously quit his job yesterday? Where’s he workin’ now?
BOSS HOGG: (shaking his head) You ain’t gonna believe this, but of all things, he’s workin’ over at the ice cream shoppe in the center of town.
BO: (chuckling) Are you tellin’ us that rosco took a job as a soda jerk?
UNCLE JESSE: Bo, it ain’t funny. Now you, Luke, and Cooter get over to the garage and get to workin’ on the General while Coy, Vance, and me go into town and try to talk some sense into Rosco.
BOSS HOGG: Jesse, don’t ya think I tried that already? He ain’t gonna listen to nobody, no how! And I gotta do somethin’ quick! On account of, if Lulu finds out he quit and why…
LUKE: Well, the way I figure it, if Rosco ain’t gonna listen to reason then we’re gonna have to make him wanna do somethin’ that he’s gotta be sheriff to do. (pauses and smirks) And I think I know just the thing to do…
(scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, ain’t that just like a Duke? Even when they’re crippled, there ain’t nuthin’ they won’t do to help somebody out….even the man that crippled ’em!
(end act 5)