(The Dukes of Hazzard was created by Gy Waldron and is the property Warner Bros. And S Club 7 is the property of 19 entertainment and Simon Fuller. The NY4 is the property of the author and creator James B. Faraci and Madymaly Entertainment)
By: James B Faraci
Balladeer:
Now friends this here is not, I repeat not the General Lee. That there is a replica, minus the horn, the welded doors and rebel flag. And those guy pushing it into Hazzard County is the NY4 along with their friends from across the pond the S Club 7. That’s James Faraci in the center of the back bumper, he plays the bass, takes a lead when a leader is needed, and sings. Those guys on the ends are John and his brother Mike Santos, John plays a mean lead guitar and can tickle the ivories close enough to be related to Beethoven, Mike is the Drummer, he can sure slap them skins. The ones in the second General are Andrew Beach and Ed Champion, Andrew is probably the best rhythm guitarist and probably hired because John can get out of hand on the lead and as for Ed, Bach and him must be related because the piano he plays matches John’s. Those Guys in the 1959 Ford Convertible towing the replica are the S Club 7. The one driving is Paul Cattermole, he can sing, but not as good as old Waylon, then again I might be biased. The two next to him are Rachel Stevens and Jo O’ Meara , Rachel is a cute thing, might give Daisy a run for her money, Jo is a bit more tough and if you ask her for a dance she might either smack the teeth down your throat or could accept and if she does, whatever she says is correct plus she could give Cooter a lesson or two in the mechanic pit. In the backseat are Tina Barrett, Hannah Spearitt, Jon Lee and Bradley Macintosh, Tina is the choreographer, a bit of a boss and a good singer too, Hannah’s a bubbly spitfire of a girl, Jon is one of those who get caught in the undertow but can still hold his own when the time is right, Bradley is somewhat like Jon but is a little goofy as well.
James Faraci:
You know, I should’ve known that even a great car can morph into a lemon.
John Santos:
Yeah, but we bought it as a lemon and it got a little better and then it got worse.
Mike Santos:
Can we stop in the next town, I would like to see if there’s a mechanic.
Jo O’ Meara:
I told you, I’ll do it as soon as I can find a garage, you muffin!
Ed Champion:
Can we wait until we get to [Opens up map] Hazzard County?
Paul Cattermole:
Is that where we’re heading?
Andrew Beach:
Yeah and there’s a garage owned by a Cooter Davenport, he’s a good friend to my family, he’ll help us out.
(General Lee Horn blows)
Luke:
Hey, did you see the…?
(Bo and Luke look in the rear view mirror)
Bo:
It looks like the General, let’s see if they need help.
(Bo turns the General in a U-Turn and stops the S Club 7 and NY4)
Balladeer:
Now usually when the boys stop, trouble starts up in no time flat.
Tina Barrett:
Holy Parp, it looks like your car James.
James Faraci:
Yeah, It does, that is if it ran.
Bo:
Hey, that kind of looks like our car.
Jon Lee:
Yeah, but there’s a big difference between what we got and what you nutters have.
Rachel Stevens:
Yeah, ours ain’t parp thanks to a hoof who wouldn’t know how to sell a car and yours run butterfish.
Luke:
You understand a lick of what they’re saying.
James Faraci:
Yeah, I do. What she said was “We got a lemon and you got the fire from Olympus.”
Bo and Luke:
Oh, okay.
Luke:
Hey why don’t we call Cooter?
Hannah Spearitt:
We tried that but our reception isn’t any good.
Luke:
You have a C. B.?
Bradley Macintosh:
What’s a C.B.?
Andrew Beach:
Uh, better take that as a no.
(Gun Fire goes off in all directions)
Balladeer:
It sounds like someone’s either hunting NY4 or S Club 7 or Duke and I don’t know which it is.
(End Of Opening act)
(Beginning of Act One)
James Faraci:
Is it hunting season here?
Luke:
If it is, they missed. By the way, I’m Luke Duke, that there is my cousin Bo.
James Faraci:
I’m James Faraci, those over there are John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion, Tina Barrett, Hannah Spearitt, Rachel Stevens, Jo O’ Meara, Paul Cattermole, Bradley Macintosh, and Jon Lee.
Bo:
Pleasure to meet y’all, Lost Sheep calling Crazy Cooter, you on the line Good Buddy, come back.
Cooter (On the C.B.):
I might look crazy, but I ain’t stupid, this here Crazy Cooter, what’s on your mind, come back.
Bo:
Cooter, you are never gonna believe this.
Hannah Spearitt:
And they call our speech hard .
John Santos:
That’s C. B. talk.
Balladeer:
While the Dukes were getting their new friends into town, an old enemy from out of town were looking for the S Club 7. That guy in the tweed jacket is Danny Parsons, you see he was the S Club’s Manager, but he got them lousy jobs left and right. The only good gig he got them was in Miami however there was a caveat they had to double as hotel staff. When the gig ended, they left him and he’s been angrier than a wet cat.
Danny Parsons:
No good S Club 7, leave me will they. It was them no good NY4 that poisoned their minds and this stinking country.
Thug:
Yeah, it don’t mean anything since we missed them.
Danny Parsons:
I wasn’t expecting you to hit them, just frighten them. Then they’re at their weakest, crush them.
Balladeer:
Oh Boy, sounds like the S Club is in a whole lot of trouble. Meanwhile, Boss and Rosco weren’t even thinkin’ of doing anything wrong, when the Dukes came a calling.
Bo:
Okay, what’s the scam?
Boss Hogg:
D’ oh! What are you Dukes talking about? I ain’t planning any scam, bible truth.
Luke:
Oh yeah, how about telling your goon to try shooting classes or get a pair of glasses to aim better.
Boss Hogg:
Now boys I swear, by all that is good and fair on this planet, I am not in any crooked scheme, twisted plot, or any wrong doing for trying to get the farm today and I would never ever have you Dukes killed. I was simply talking about how we can make the County Fair a whole lot more fun. And since I saw that broken Jalopy of a General Lee and your car, how ‘bout a race.
Rosco:
Oh yes, of course, I knew it , I knew it. You see, I’ll keep it fair for an overland race between your General Lee and theirs.
Luke:
A friendly competition between the General and their car.
Boss Hogg:
This Sunday as a main attraction.
Luke:
We’ll see if they’re game for it.
Bo:
And by the way, if you think of throwing a dirty monkey wrench.
Boss Hogg:
I ain’t, I swear, Ridge runners honor.
Balladeer:
Back at Cooter’s Garage Jo, James, John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach and Cooter were working on getting their General road worthy.
Jo O’ Meara:
Oy Cooter, take a look at the carburetor, it must’ve been soaked in seawater.
Cooter:
Yep, corroded like there was no tomorrow and how ‘bout the radiator.
Jo O’ Meara:
I know, It looks like a bag of cooked microwave popcorn.
Cooter:
Well, if we get to work now, should be ready by Friday.
James Faraci:
Coolness Cooter, Sheer Coolness.
Bo:
Hey you guys, listen we forgot about the Hazzard County Fair. So Boss Hogg decided to run a sporting race between your car and the General.
John Santos:
Well, you see me and my friends don’t have a place to stay While General Lee 2.0 is getting up and running.
Bo, Luke, Cooter:
General Lee 2.0 !?
Mike Santos:
Of course, Your car is awesome, it’s a classic, ours is well not so much until we make it just like yours with minor alterations.
James Faraci:
Anyway, I’ll talk to the others, if they want to do that.
John Santos:
Hey, maybe we can get a few gigs while we’re in town, it was my brainchild!
James Faraci:
Well, good for you, you have a brain, child.
John Santos:
Ha, Ha, Ha, so funny I forgot to laugh.
Luke:
Say why don’t you guys stay at our place.
Bo:
I’m sure Uncle Jesse and Daisy wouldn’t mind a dozen boarders for the weekend.
James Faraci:
We’ll help out on the farm.
Luke:
Okay I’ll call Uncle Jesse and see if he’ll agree to that.
Balladeer:
Why do I have the feeling, they’re putting the whole Duke Farm in extreme danger? Meanwhile James found the number for the owner of the Boar’s Nest. The secretary told James that they could find him in the County Building.
Enos:
Well, How can I help you boys?
James Faraci:
We’re looking for a J. D. Hogg, he runs the Boar’s Nest.
Enos:
Well Possum on a Gum Bush, he’s right over here.
Boss Hogg:
Dah! Enos, don’t you know better than to come in while I’m in the middle of important business.
Enos:
I’m sorry, these fellas were looking for ya.
Boss Hogg:
Oh really, state your business.
James Faraci:
Well you see, we, me and my friends would like to have a gig for the next couple of days at the Boar’s Nest.
Rosco:
Is that so, is that so, or are you just a guilty of something and afraid to say it, ohh, ohh Shame, Shame, Everybody knows your name.
Boss Hogg:
Rosco, you dodo, shut up. What do you guys do?
John Santos:
We’re musicians.
James Faraci:
We’re Colossal.
Mike Santos:
We’re Superb.
Andrew Beach:
We’re Amazing.
Ed Champion:
We’re Incredible
John Santos:
We even stink on ice.
(Boss Hogg laughs)
Boss Hogg:
That was funny. But I’m pretty sure you can’t play country.
James Faraci:
Can we play Country?
Mike Santos:
Can we play Country?
Andrew Beach:
Can we play Country?
Ed Champion:
Can we play Country?
John Santos:
Can We?
James Faraci:
Of course.
Boss Hogg:
Very well then, I’ll pay you five dollars a song, limit five songs. Deal?
James Faraci:
Deal.
(James Faraci closes door and sighs)
James Faraci:
I think this town is ran by Laurel & Hardy.
Balladeer:
That afternoon, One of Danny Parsons’ thugs was in town. They saw the General Lee and left a little warning on it, once again mistaking the Dukes for the NY4.
Luke:
Hey someone left this on our windshield.
(Scene changes to the farm)
Bo & James [With James reading after the word Sunday](Reading from the note):
“Dear NY4, you bloody bums poisoned me band and turned them against me. Take them to the airport by Sunday, there’ll be 7 tickets for them to come home or else. Signed Danny Parsons.”
James Faraci:
Oh man, we’re gonna get you killed.
John Santos:
Mr. Duke, sir, We wish to apologize for this inconvenience in your….
Uncle Jesse:
Please call me, Uncle Jesse.
James Faraci:
Uncle Jesse, sir, we’ve brought this angry brit, uh, present company excluded, onto you and your nephews and niece, we have to leave the county.
Daisy:
Well that’s mighty considerate of you and your friends, but A) You don’t have a car. B) You signed on to play at the Boar’s Nest to pay for your car. And C) It’s gonna be a long journey by foot if all y’ all are heading to Los Angeles.
Cooter (On the C. B.):
Lost Sheep, Shepard, Bo Peep, S. Cs. 1-6, NY4 this here crazy Cooter with S. C. 7 come on down to the Garage.
Jo O’ Meara (On the C. B.):
You’ll never believe what we did to the General Lee 2.0, see you down here, We’re gone.
James Faraci:
We’re on our way, over and out.
Tina Barrett:
You know something, I think we’re getting the hang of the C. B. Radio and it’s code.
Balladeer:
Now friends what you are about to see is not a bad case of Deja Vu. (Horn blows “National Anthem” ) Behold General Lee 2.0 with “Old Glory” on the roof, a horn that plays the National Anthem and an engine that says “That there is a mighty fine ride from a mighty fine country, the Good Old U. S. A”
James Faraci:
Awesome
John Santos:
Sweet, that means good.
Others :
Oh.
Mike Santos:
Excellent
Andrew Beach:
Ohh, I got goose bumps
Ed Champion:
Let me feel the engine run. Ohh, it’s better than making whoopie!
Tina Barrett:
So how did you get it going in twelve hours.
Cooter:
Between her and me what could’ve been done by Friday, we did it lickety split.
James Faraci:
Bo, Luke since you two saw us stranded out on the highway coming into Hazzard, you saw our car with promise. So I figured, we wanted to see if she matches to the expectations I have and you guys have. I figured it’d be best if you two break him in.
Luke:
Us?
Bo:
But it’s your car.
James Faraci:
And we’re going to give you Dukes, the honor of the first run.
John Santos:
If it’ll make you feel better, we’ll ride either in the backseat or in the General.
Luke:
I got a better idea, you take the General 2.0 on it’s first run and we’ll ride in the General to watch you.
James Faraci:
Sounds good.
Cooter:
Oh, one moment, we might’ve got the General 2.0 running but he ain’t ready for like real heavy duty.
Jo O’ Meara:
Cooter’s right, We need to get a better fan belt and a fuel regulator.
Cooter:
And James, John, take it…
(James and John peel out)
Cooter:
easy.
Bo:
Don’t say it we’re on our way.
Balladeer:
Well, this is a first. Two General Lees for the price of one.
Rosco:
Enos, this is your superior officer Sheriff Roscoooo P. Coltraine, You got your ears on.
Enos:
My ears are on, but I think I got double vision.
Rosco:
Me too, but one of them are the Dukes and we’re gonna cuff ‘em and stuff ‘em.
James Faraci:
Lost Sheep, we got cop cars on our sixes, what do we do come back.
Luke:
James, this is Luke, now listen let us pass and follow us towards dry creek.
John Santos:
Luke, this is John Santos, we copy, 10-4, we’re gone.
Rosco:
Ooh, Ooh, we got ‘em, we got ‘em! Enos, listen head on over the other side of dry creek we’ll can ‘em, cuff ‘em and stuff ‘em.
Enos:
Roger.
(Both General Lees jump the creek)
Balladeer:
Now that’s something I ain’t ever seen. Two General Lee jumps for the price of one
(Rosco mumbles and Enos & Rosco scream and end up mid air in convertibles, James Stops General Lee 2.0 and the Dukes stop General Lee)
James Faraci:
Are those two gonna be all right?
Luke:
They’ll be fine.
(Sound of a bomb goes off)
James Faraci:
Let’s get back into town and hurry!
(Both General Lees rush off as bombs go off left and right, then General Lee 2.0 goes into a ditch. Bo and Luke pull James and John out)
Bo:
You guys okay.
James Faraci:
We’ll be fine. Well there appears to be no definitive damage. Call Cooter and tell him to pick up General 2.0
(Sound of another bomb goes off and it came from the farm)
Balladeer:
You know, I think the “S” in S Club 7 stands for “Spit” cause their luck goes from bad to spit out of it.
(End Of Second act)
(Beginning of the Third Act)
Luke:
Call Cooter to drag you out of the ditch, we got to try to save the farm.
(Bo and Luke climb in the General Lee)
Bo:
Lost Sheep calling the Hazzard Fire Brigade, get to the Duke Farm on the double.
(Fire Engines go running to the farm)
Balladeer:
Well the fire brigade went and were gonna find a lot more.
Boss Hogg:
Well, it appears there ain’t any serious damage but I swear on the bible, the ridge runner’s code and every other thing that is good and pure in the world I ain’t in any scheme to get the farm, Jesse, you got to believe me.
Uncle Jesse:
I believe you, because I can’t get off the porch.
Daisy:
Me neither.
Hannah Spearitt:
Why not.
Uncle Jesse:
Don’t step on the porch, there’s a note that says get off the porch and go sky high and it’s signed by that Parsons fella.
S Club 7:
What?
Uncle Jesse:
Call Enos, he probably did some time on the bomb squad while in Los Angeles.
Balladeer:
Well Uncle Jesse’s instinct was correct. Enos saw the type of explosives Uncle Jesse and Daisy were on and the amount could sent them and everybody on the farm straight up. Ain’t that a kick on the old phrase “Buying the farm”.
Enos:
Okay, there isn’t any good way to say it but to be honest. You step off this porch and you and Daisy and everyone around the farm goes sky high.
Uncle Jesse:
I understand, just what are ya gonna do?
Enos:
I’m gonna need some liquid nitrogen, a saber saw and a tow truck.
Balladeer:
Well, Enos used the liquid nitrogen to freeze the bomb. The saber saw to cut off the porch from the house. And Cooter’s Tow truck after taking General Lee 2.0 back to the shop for some finishing work, to take the porch to Dry Creek, luckily there was enough room for the explosive to go off without hurting anyone.
Enos:
Okay, Cooter I’m gonna need some rope.
Cooter:
You got it.
(Enos runs over to the porch)
Enos:
Daisy, I’m gonna ask that you tie a good knot around you, Uncle Jesse, you too.
Cooter, when I say when, you take your truck and zoom it on out. This here metal plate is something you two are gonna have to get on because there’s gonna be at least ten seconds after I give Cooter the go ahead before the blast.
Uncle Jesse:
I got it.
Daisy:
I got it too.
Cooter:
Ten-Four good buddy.
Balladeer:
Remember when I said that Enos has more guts than brains some days, well this time they’re balanced.
Enos:
Now I reckon we got at least ten seconds before the bomb goes off when you step on the plate, so on the count of three Cooter, I want you to floor it. Here we go, oh wait before anything else happen, Daisy, if we survive, I want to let you know how much I love ya. And Uncle Jesse I was wondering if I could get your blessing in the near future to marry Daisy.
Uncle Jesse:
You already had it for a long time.
Enos:
Okay, One, Two, Three!
(Cooter Floors it, Enos, Uncle Jesse and Daisy are sledded off the porch and the porch explodes with no casualties.)
Balladeer:
Ain’t that the Luck and Good Faith of the Dukes, even if they’re looking death straight in the eye, he blinks and they’re still alive. That night James and his friends in the NY4 made their first of several performances at the Boar’s Nest, The S Club 7 and the NY4 would perform for the county fair that Sunday. And in some of the most amazing acts of kindness, Boss Hogg paid Daisy to take a couple of days off and for the materials to rebuild the porch, The Dukes Bar tab was expunged and Enos was welcomed to all the buttermilk his heart desired.
James Faraci:
Thank you, we are the good old NY4 band. I am James Faraci, I will be singing and playing the bass guitar, That guy with hair long as Willie Nelson is the lead guitarist John Ross Santos, On the Drums is Johnny’s brother Mike, On the Electric Piano, Ed Champion, and our rhythm guitarist Andrew “Venice” Beach. We’re gonna play five songs that y’ all might like.
(Theme from “Rawhide” Mountain Tempo, A Minor)
James Faraci:
(Singing):
Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep them doggies rolling, keep the streams a flowing RAWHIDE! The train whistle’s a blowing, the cattle keep a coming , any rowdys meet my pistol at my side. And when the drive is a ending, my lady love’s a waiting, a waiting at the end of my ride. Move ‘em on.
John Santos:
Head on up
James Faraci:
Move ‘em on
John Santos:
Head on up
James Faraci:
RAWHIDE, call ‘em out
John Santos:
Ride ‘em in
James Faraci:
Call ‘em out
John Santos:
Ride ‘em in
James Faraci:
Call ‘em out, Ride on in, RAWHIDE!
(Guitar Solo)
James Faraci:
Move ‘em on
John Santos:
Head on up
James Faraci:
Move ‘em on
John Santos:
Head on up
James Faraci:
RAWHIDE, call ‘em out
John Santos:
Ride ‘em in
James Faraci:
Call ‘em out
John Santos:
Ride ‘em in
James Faraci:
Call ‘em out, Ride on in, RAWHIDE!
(Ed says Hey-ya and Whip Cracks)
NY4:
RAWHIDE!
(Crowd Whoops and Hollers)
James Faraci:
Thank you and now a little Tammy Wynette.
(Melody of “Stand By Your Man”)
NY4:
(Singing):
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, giving all your love to just one man. You’ll have those bad times and He’ll have those good times. Doing things that you don’t understand. But if you love him you’ll forgive him, even though he’s hard to understand. And if you love him, Oh be proud of him, ‘cause after all he’s just a man. Stand by your man, Give him two arms to cling to & something warm to come to, when nights are cold and lonely. Stand by your man and show the world you love him, keep showing all the love you…
NY4 :
(Singing a la Barbershop):
Can
James Faraci:
Baby.
NY4:
(Singing):
Stand by your man. Stand by your man and show the world you love him, keep showing all the love you…
NY4 :
(Singing a la Barbershop):
Can
James Faraci:
Baby
NY4:
(Singing):
Stand by your man.
Balladeer:
Now them fellas ain’t half bad. The next day The NY4, The Dukes and The S Club 7 got to work fixing up a new porch for Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse:
Well, I think you guys have earned a glass of lemonade.
Paul Cattermole:
Thanks Uncle Jesse, say I was wondering, what type of songs do the people of Hazzard like.
Uncle Jesse:
Well they like songs they can dance to, they like a lot of country and what most Record Companies call “Southern Rock”, we call it the blues.
James Faraci & Tina Barrett:
Hey, you guys, less talking, more polishing off the lemonade, then getting back to work. Sorry Uncle Jesse, we occasionally have to remind them to work.
Uncle Jesse:
Uh-huh.
Hannah Spearitt:
Hey you guys, Daisy and me are going to the store for some groceries, anyone care to join us?
Rachel Stevens:
“Shopping” why you just said the magic word and I’d be glad to join you.
Tina Barrett:
I’ll come, I’ll even help you find some things for some of us.
Jo O’ Meara:
I’ve got to stop by Cooter’s and check up on General Lee 2.0.
Daisy:
Well, I wouldn’t mind the assistance.
Paul Cattermole:
We’ll have the porch done by the time you guys get back.
Balladeer:
You know, I got a funny feeling Daisy and them ladies of the S Club 7 are in serious trouble.
Luke:
Hey James, can I ask you a question. Do you like..
James Faraci:
Stop right there, let me tell you something, I am a rocker, meaning, A)I might have a girl in every port, B)I could break Daisy’s heart and the rest of you and her from what I saw might just snap me like a twig and C) As much as I like women, I like Daisy but not like that.
Luke:
That wasn’t what I was gonna ask, I was gonna ask if you like Tina.
John Santos:
You might as well ask if I like Hannah.
Bo:
Well do ya?
James Faraci:
As much as me and John would like to, we can’t.
Jon lee:
Besides it’ll mess up dynamics.
Bradley Macintosh:
Well, the way I see it, if you like them like that, tell them.
Ed Champion:
Then what? Our band becomes a soap opera.
Paul Cattermole:
Then it’s settled, you two can’t fall in love with Tina and Hannah.
James Faraci:
Parp you pal.
John Santos:
Besides who are you to tell us who we can and cannot date.
Bo and Luke:
Touche.
Balladeer:
Meanwhile in town the girls were getting their business done. Daisy, Tina and Hannah finished grocery shopping, Rachel finished up her shopping and Jo got a good news/bad news situation about the General Lee 2.0.
Cooter:
Well, I got the parts I needed, but if those friends of yours ever do something like they did, this car ain’t gonna be worth uh.. What was that word again you guys say a lot?
Jo O’ Meara:
Parp?
Cooter:
That’s the word, parp. What does it mean anyways?
Jo O’ Meara:
It can mean a lot of things for some it can be a substitute for a swear word or it can describe a piece of garbage.
(Daisy screams at the top of her lungs)
Cooter:
It sounded like Daisy.
Balladeer:
Well faster than you can say parp five times fast, man that word is getting to become catchy, Rachel borrowed Daisy’s Jeep, And the others followed in Cooter’s truck. But they lost them just a few miles outside of the old lumberyard and Rachel got four flat tires.
Cooter:
Oh parp, how are we gonna explain this to Uncle Jesse.
Balladeer:
Told ya that word was catching on. Meanwhile Cooter and Rachel towed Daisy’s Jeep and the General Lee 2.0 back to the farm and was the bearer of the bad news. Just in time that the whole group finished the new porch.
Luke:
Dang, why are they after us, isn’t it you guys they want.
James Faraci:
Exactly, but Danny Parsons is Looney Tunes. He’ll go after anyone close to get to us.
John Santos:
If he could get a hand on a nuclear device, goodbye U.S.A.
Uncle Jesse:
Well how are we gonna rescue her?
James Faraci:
I got it, Danny Parsons is probably gonna be either with her at the lumberyard with a bunch of goons or in town waiting at the finish line to exact his revenge on us.
Luke:
So we’re gonna rescue her in the middle of the race. Could work?
(Scene Changes to the Lumberyard)
Balladeer:
Back at the lumberyard, Danny was madder then that Hatter Fella in the book about that Alice girl.
Danny Parsons:
This isn’t Rachel, you bloody yank! That’s it, I’m going to get them the only way I can now.
(Dials Phone and Scene Changes to Boss Hogg’s office)
Boss Hogg:
J. D. Hogg speaking, speak your peace.
Danny Parsons:
(On the phone):
HOGG, It’s Parsons and I’m in Hazzard County. I got a local redneck broad named Daisy Duke. You tell her relatives if they don’t want to write a eulogy for her, they’ll hand over the S Club 7.
Boss Hogg:
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Danny Parsons:
(On the phone):
You know who the Bloody Hell I’m talking about or do I have to tell the good people of this county that their Boss County Commissioner’s dirty little secret.
Boss Hogg:
You blackmail me and there ain’t gonna be no force on heaven and earth that’ll keep me from you.
(Slams Phone)
Rosco:
Oh no ain’t that the flaw in the slaw.
Boss Hogg:
Rosco, We’re gonna do something I never, ever thought I would do, Go to the Duke Farm and ask them Duke Boys to help me get my fat out of the fire.
Balladeer:
Well, this is a moment Robert Ripley could never believe and if he did, I’d be glad to show him some Tennessee beach front property with a view of the ocean that I own.
(Scene changes to the Duke Farm)
Boss Hogg:
And that’s the whole story. I need your help, Shoot even Rosco will help.
Rosco:
That’s right, we’ll help you rescue Daisy and you help us Cuff and Stuff Danny Parsons.
James Faraci:
And you mean to tell us this the whole time Danny Parsons was working in Bootlegging Moonshine for you and he got greedy and decided to try to bump you off and get 100% of the profits but you testified against him, incriminated yourself and in order for your record to be expunged, you promised never to sell moonshine for profit again.
Boss Hogg:
Exactly, my young friend. Jesse, I know I ain’t been the best person and I know even my last rites won’t help me get up, but if you help me get him, I promise on the bible, the ridge runner’s code and all that is good. You help me get Danny Parsons locked up behind bars and I can guarantee you a better deal that’ll allow Bo and Luke access to all of the state as long as they don’t get caught with moonshine.
Uncle Jesse:
J.D., that story you just told may have gotten you a notch higher on my good side. But as long as Daisy is in trouble, we’ll need all the help we can get.
Balladeer:
Friends, this is a moment in history no one wants to miss, The Duke boys and the law on the same side. Well, Sunday came, the town was split in two between General Lee and it’s counterpart. Rosco, Enos and Boss Hogg were waiting at the lumberyard with the S Club 7. And the race was on, and it was an even race all the way out.
Bo:
So, how do we get in?
Boss Hogg:
Step back boys, watch and learn, Rosco, cuff the S Club 7.
Tina Barrett:
You slimy toad.
Boss Hogg:
Now hold up, I know what I’m doing and this ain’t a double cross.
Balladeer:
Friends what you’re gonna see is a master at work.
Boss Hogg:
Greetings, is your boss, Danny Parsons here?
British Thug:
Yeah, but he’s on the Loo. Do you want us to get him?
Rosco:
Do we?
Boss Hogg:
Of course, nitwit.
British Thug #2:
Oy,…
(Rosco and Enos clock the guard thugs)
Bo:
To quote you Rosco. “Ohh, I love it, I love it.”
Rosco:
Do I actually sound like that?
Boss Hogg:
Not now, we got to rescue Daisy.
Others:
Right.
Balladeer:
You know, between the Dukes, S Club 7, NY4, Boss, Rosco & Enos, them thugs ain’t got a chance.
(End of the third Act)
(Opening of the finale)
Boss Hogg:
On three, one, two, three!
(Jo slugs three thugs, Hannah wallops five and John Santos leaps up to drop kick five that were gonna blind side her, Bo and Luke hold their own, Boss Hogg, Rosco and Enos take down fifty, James Faraci saves Tina Barrett as she holds her own, Mike Santos, Bradley Macintosh, Jon Lee, Paul Cattermole, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion whoop backside.)
Enos:
Daisy, Stand Back!
(Gun shoots off lock and toilet flushes)
Danny Parsons:
What is going on, I’m on the Loo and from out of nowhere I hear a bunch of Chop Suey noises and then I hear a gun go off and….
(Danny looks to the left and right)
Balladeer:
Looks like that Parsons fella just stepped in a big stinking pile of parp.
(Scene changes to the outside of the lumberyard where Danny Parsons is locked in the trunk of the S Club 7’s Ford car)
Boss Hogg:
Well, I’ll see you guys back in town for the end of the race.
S Club 7, Dukes, NY4:
See ya, THE RACE!
Balladeer:
Well, quicker than a fish swims, the Dukes and the NY4 finished the race as a draw.
Boss Hogg:
Wha, wait a minute, where’s Parsons?
Bo:
Right here.
Boss Hogg:
Good, Rosco, cuff him and stuff him.
Balladeer:
Well Danny got sent to the state pokey on several counts of attempted murder, one count of kidnaping and extortion, Boss Hogg made good on his word to the Dukes and that night the S Club 7 and the NY4 went on stage to perform their music, not with out some help.
James Faraci:
All right! Before we begin, we’d like to introduce a few of your hometown heroes to assist us. First off the law of the county, Deputy Enos Strate, Boss County Commissioner Jefferson Davis Hogg and being accompanied by his faithful hound dog Flash, Sheriff Roscooooooooooo P Coltraine! And the best mechanic in the county CRAZY Cooter Davenport, And finally some of the best people in Hazzard county I’ve ever known, Uncle Jesse, Daisy, Bo & Luke, THE DUKES OF HAZZARD!
(“S Club Party” begins)
S Club 7:
S Club !
Bradley Macintosh:
Get down tonight Uh huh, yeah. Get down tonight Uh huh, everybody!
Jo O’ Meara:
Get Down Tonight!
(Mike hits the drums)
Everyone:
S Club, gonna show you how, everybody get down tonight. S Club gonna take you high. Shake your body from side to side.
Jo O’ Meara:
Finally, Friday Night feeling kinda good, looking all right, gonna get groovy can’t be late, gonna get grooving just can’t wait whoa!
Everyone:
Get the feeling!
Jo O’ Meara:
Get the feeling.
Everyone:
Push the ceiling.
Jo O’ Meara:
Push the ceiling.
Everyone:
Later Haters.
Jo O’ Meara:
Later Haters.
Everyone:
Get ready everybody, cause here we go! S Club, There ain’t no party like an S Club Party, gonna show you how, everybody get down tonight. S Club, there ain’t no party like an S Club party, gonna take you high, Shake your body from side to side, Whoo, Whoo! Wave your hands in the air! Whoo, Whoo, like you just don’t care! Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over here! Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over there! Tina’s doing her dance, Jon’s looking for romance, Paul’s getting down on the floor, while Hannah’s screaming out for more, wanna see Bradley swing, wanna see Rachel do her thing, then we got Jo, she’s got the flow, Get ready everybody cause here we go! S Club, there ain’t no party like an S Club Party, gonna show you how, everybody get down tonight. S Club, there ain’t no party like an S Club gonna take you high, Shake your body from side to side, Whoo, Whoo, Wave your hands in the air, Whoo, Whoo, like you just don’t care, Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over there, Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over there! Whoo, Whoo, Wave your hands in the air, Whoo, Whoo, like you just don’t care, Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over there, Whoo, Whoo, there’s a party over there!
Girls:
Get up boys, make some noise!
Boys:
Hootchie mamas show your ha-has!
Everyone:
S Club, There ain’t no party like an S Club Party, gonna show you how, everybody get down tonight. S Club, there ain’t no party like an S Club party, gonna take you high! S Club, There ain’t no party like an S Club Party, gonna show you how, everybody get down tonight. S Club, there ain’t no party like an S Club party, gonna take you high!
(Song fades and Crowds Scream and Holler!)
Balladeer:
Well as luck would have it a record executive saw the show and liked what he saw and signed them on the spot. But the band still had to make it to Los Angeles, just so they could get there. On Monday, the band said their Goodbyes and went back on the road again, but both the S Club 7 and the NY4 will Never, ever forget their adventure in Hazzard County, wouldn’t you?
In loving memory of:
Sorrel Booke, Denver Pyle & Waylon Jennings.