by: Keith
Act Two
RALPH: Listen, we’d really like to thank you boys for all the help you’ve given us today. You’ve made our work a lot easier.
LUKE: No sweat. In fact, me, Bo and our cousin Daisy and Unlce Jesse know everybody in Hazzard. Y’all need any help with whatever it is yer here for, we could probably point ya in the right direction.
RALPH: (shakes with Bo) We certainly appreciate that, boys. We’ll definitely keep it in mind.
(Ralph shakes hands with Luke, but only sees an image of Hazzard Pond)
RALPH: Listen, we’d really like to thank you boys for all the help you’ve given us today. You’ve made our work a lot easier.
LUKE: No sweat. In fact, me, Bo and our cousin Daisy and Unlce Jesse know everybody in Hazzard. Y’all need any help with whatever it is yer here for, we could probably point ya in the right direction.
RALPH: (shakes with Bo) We certainly appreciate that, boys. We’ll definitely keep it in mind.
BILL( to Cooter) And you can send the bill out to the FBI in L.A. Send it care of Bill Maxwell and I’ll take care of it when I get back.
COOTER: (nods) You got it.
BILL: Well, we’ll see ya later, boys. We got work to do. Come on, Ralph.
(Ralph and Bill get back in their car and pull away. Switch to an interior shot of their car)
BILL: Alright, Ralph, what’d ya get off ’em?
RALPH: A pond.
BILL: A pond? You mean you saw their still near a pond?
RALPH: Nope. No still. Just a pond. Matter of fact, it looked a lot like the one we were near when we had the accident with them.
BILL: But, Ralph, a pond?? That doesn’t do us any good! Couldn’t you get anything better than that??
RALPH: Look, I’m sorry, Bill. But I can’t control what I see when I vibe off someone like that. I mean, they were probably there for a while before we got there, so they had a lot of dirt on their hands and that’s what I vibed off of.
BILL: Jee wiz, Ralph! This stinks! It really stinks!! Now we gotta tail ’em to see where they go.
RALPH: Tail ’em, Bill? How are we supposed to tail ’em? They’d spot this car in a second!
BILL: Who said anything about this car? We double back into town, wait til we see ’em leave the garage, then you slip outta your clothes and into the suit and it’s up, up, and away. Simple.
RALPH: Up, up, and away? Simple?? Bill, this isn’t like following bad guys back home, where I know all the streets and how to get around. I mean, what if I have one of my usual crash-landings while I’m following them and they take a short cut down some side road before I can get back up in the air? What then, huh?
BILL: Ralph, it’s a bright orange car with a Confederate flag on the roof! What more do you want, a blinkin’ light like a radar screen??
RALPH: Ok, well what if I fly too low and they spot me, huh? What then? Don’t you think that might spook them?
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! If you were drivin’ in a car and someone was chasin’ ya, Would you be inclined to look UP?? I doubt it!
BALLADEER: Pretty clear that boy’s never been in a car chase in Hazzard, ain’t it?
(Ralph and Bill’s car does a 180 degree turn in the middle of the road and heads back into town. Switch back to Cooter’s garage, where Bo, Luke, and Cooter brainstorm to try to figure out how to investigate Ralph and Bill.)
BALLADEER: Now, the boys didn’t know it, but they was about to make thing a might more complicated than they needed to be. While Ralph and Bill was headed back into town to follow them, they was figurin’ out a way to follow Ralph and Bill without bein’ spotted.
(Joe Barnes’ black sedan pulls up in front of the court house)
BALLADEER: And, to add one more clot to the buttermilk, Boss’s big buyer was arrivin’ at the court house for a little meetin’ of the minds with Boss and Rosco.
(Bo looks over from Cooter’s as Joe gets out of his car)
BO: (taps Luke on the arm) Hey, Luke, ain’t that…..?
LUKE: ….Joe Barnes. One of the biggest, baddest moonshine dealers in the south.
(Luke sees Ralph and Bill’s car pull up around the corner)
LUKE: He ain’t the only one we gotta keep an eye on (nods toward Ralph and Bill’s car). We got company.
BO: (frowning) Terrific. Which one ya figure we aughtta deal with first?
LUKE: Simple…Ralph and Bill are only a suspiscion. One the other hand, we know Boss can’t be up to no good if he’s got a deal goin’ with Joe Barnes. We wait ’til him and his driver go inside, then we sneak up next to Boss’s window and see what we can hear.
(switch to Ralph and Bill)
RALPH: Hey, Bill, check out those two guys that just pulled up in front of the court house. Don’t they look kind of suspiscious to you?
BILL: (examining Barnes) Yeah….yeah, I think you’re right, kid. ‘Specially with the way his eyes keep dartin’ up and down the street like he’s makin’ sure no one’s watchin’. Now he’s headin’ into the court house. Probably got a meeting with Hogg and the sheriff. Good call on that one, kid. Well, we’re gonna have to forget about tailin’ those two farm boys for now. You’d better slip into the jammies and do a little disappearin’ act to see what you can find out.
(Ralph unbuttons his shirt, revealing the suit’s shirt.)
BALLADEER: Now, y’all remember when I pointed out that fancy scarf Ralph had on? Well, it turns out that scarf is a cape to go along with them fancy long johns he’s got on underneath his clothes.
(Ralph opens the car door and sticks his legs out to take his pants off)
BALLADEER: I’ll betcha, right about now, Ralph’s wishin’ he wasn’t three miles from the only phone booth in Hazzard.
(Ralph throws his clothes on the car seat and shuts the door behind him.)
RALPH: Man, I hate doing this. But I’ll take it over flying any day.
BALLADEER: Now, y’all don’t blink or you’re gonna miss what them fancy long johns can do. Cause now ya see him…..
(Ralph folds his hands, closes his eyes like he’s concentrating, and disappears)
BALLADEER: …..And now ya don’t.
(switch back to Bo and Luke)
BO: Hey, Luke, that Maxwell fella’s still over there, but I don’t see Ralph nowhere.
LUKE: Don’t worry about that right now. They probably spotted Barnes, too. Ralph’s probably lookin’ for a way in from the back. Come on, they’re inside. Let’s see what we can find out.
(Bo and Luke cross the street. Just as Bo steps up onto the sidewalk, Ralph walks by, invisible. Bo bumps into him and is knocked off balance.)
LUKE: Bo, ya wanna be a litlle louder? I don’t think they quite heard that inside.
BO: (looking at the spot where he lost balance, confused) Sorry. I ain’t sure what happened…..
(switch to inside, where Joe Barnes is yelling at Boss and Rosco)
BARNES: Listen up, Hogg! I’m not payin’ you a hundred Gs for nuthin’! That batch of shine better be ready for my deadline!
(Boss Hogg’s office door appears to open be itself as Ralph enters. Everyone looks in confusion)
BOSS HOGG: Must be a draft or somethin’. Rosco, get that, will ya….
(Rosco shuts the door and bumps into Ralph. He looses balance just like Bo.)
LUKE: Well, whatever you got, looks like Rosco caught it, too.
BOSS HOGG: Ah, Mr. Barnes, as a show of good faith, would you mind lettin’ me see that hundred thousand dollars you’re gonna give me for all that shine?
BARNES: ALL that shine?? I’m givin’ you a hundred thousand for one lousy batch! You ain’t in any position to be askin’ for anything!
BOSS HOGG: (kissing up) Well, of course, I was just commin’ to that. That’s my sentiments, exactly.
BARNES: Alright, then. We’ll meet you at the designated spot at noon tomorrow and we’ll make the trade then.
BOSS HOGG: (overdoing politeness) Alright. Noon tomorrow. That sounds just fine.
(Barnes and his driver leave and close the door behind them. The door appears to open by itself again as Ralph follows them)
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, would you shut that dang blasted door?! And find out where that draft is commin’ from. I ain’t got time to be dealin’ with that nonsense all day.
(Switch to Barnes and his driver in the court house hallway. Ralph is standing next to them, still invisible)
BARNES: Alright, now you go put in a call to our buyer in Mexico. You tell him that those guns will arrive at his door at six o’clock tomorrow night. In the meantime, I’ll go check on our driver and make sure everything is ready to go on that end.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.
(Driver exits. Barnes pauses and exits shortly behind him. Ralph exits and heads back to the car. Switch back to Bo and Luke, now back over at Cooter’s.)
COOTER: What’d y’all find out?
BO: Well, it looks like Boss has got a pretty big shine deal goin’ on.
LUKE: A little too big, if ya ask me. Bo, doesn’t a hundred thousand dollars for one batch of shine seem a little steap to you?
COOTER: Seems a lot steap to me.
BO: Well, I reckon if he needs the shine bad enough….
LUKE: Come on, Bo. A big dealer like Barnes has gotta have bigger and better ridge runners than Boss to make his shine for him. And he didn’t get where he is now buy shellin’ out a hundred grand a pop for one batch.
BO: Ya figure we aughtta follow ’em and see where they go?
LUKE: Later. Right now, we were supposed to be back at the farm an hour ago. Uncle Jesse and Daisy are probably worried sick. Besides, I told Enos to call us there. I wanna be there in case he does. We’ll catch ya lter, Cooter.
(Bo and Luke climb into the General Lee)
COOTER: Y’all take it easy, now. Holler if ya need me!
(Switch to Bill sitting in his car, in the driver’s seat. He is looking at the court house, waiting for Ralph to return. Ralph appears in the passenger’s seat. Bill jumps)
BILL: Jeez, don’t do that to me!! You know how much I hate that!!
RALPH: Bill, never mind that now. Listen, I just stumbled onto something a lot bigger than illegal moonshining in there. That guy we saw going into the court house….his name is Joe Barnes, and he’s paying that J.D. Hogg a hundred thousand dollars for a batch of moonshine that he plans to use as a decoy for trasnporting guns across the boarder, into Mexico.
BILL: Aaaaahhhh……smugglin’ guns across the boarder under the disguise of a little, itty bitty booze run. Smart thinkin’. Gotta hand it to him. So, are Hogg and the sheriff in on it, too?
RALPH: No, they really think he just wants the moonshine. But I don’t get that. I mean, if someone offered me a hundred thousand dollars for a few bottles of homemade whiskey, I’d be a little suspiscious.
BILL: That’s cause you’re not greedy and Hogg is. This Barnes guy is obviously no dummy. He saw Hogg’s greed and knew if he threw a big enough number at him, no questions asked.
(Bill sees Barnes and his driver get back into their car)
BILL: And speak of the devil….alright, Ralph. Same scenerio, different target. Up, up, and away. I’ll hang back here til you tell me it’s safe to start followin’.
(Ralph waits for Barnes’ car to pull away, then gets out of Bill’s car)
BALLADEER: Now, y’all saw how them long johns helped Ralph pull his disappearin’ act. Well, that ain’t nuthin’ compared to what yer about to see.
(Ralph takes three running steps, jumps, and ascends twenty five feet into the air)
BALLADEER: Now, y’all don’t go rubbin’ yer eyes or nuthin’, cause you ain’t imaginin’ things. Ralph is really flyin’. And, friends, there ain’t a string in sight.
(switch to Cletus on speed trap duty. He is looking through binoculars for bird watching to pass the time. After a long period of seeing nothing, he throws the binoculars in the seat next to him)
CLETUS: (frustrated) Man, even the birds got to stay in bed today while I’m stuck here on this dumb speed trap duty. (leans head out car window) Shouldn’t you guys be flyin’ south or somethin’??
(Just then, he hears Ralph screaming off in the distance.)
CLETUS: What the heck? Sounds like somebody screamin’. (confused) Sounds like it’s commin’ from above me, too. What’s somebody caught up in a tree or somethin’?
(Cletus grabs the binoculars from the car seat and uses them to look up around him. After scanning back and forth, east to west, he spots Ralph flying, arms and legs flailing wildly.)
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw, would ya look at that!! I see it, but I ain’t believin’ it! (picks up the cb mic) This is deputy Cletus Hogg callin’ Sheriff Rosco and Cousin Boss. Y’all got yer ears on? I got somethin’ big to report!!
(Switch to Boss Hogg in his office. He picks up the cb mic)
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, unless it’s a hundred thousand dollar traffic ticket, I ain’t interested!
CLETUS: Oh, I think yer gonna be plenty interested in this, Cousin Boss. You ain’t gonna believe this, but I was just lookin’ through my binoculars and spotted a man flyin’ in long johns and a cape, just like Superman! Well, not exactly like Superman. I mean, Superman flies a whole lot better than this guy, but he’s up there alright! Without any strings or wires or nuthin’!
BOSS HOGG: Flyin’ just like Superman, huh? Without no strings or nuthin’? Cletus, stop playin’ with your model glue while you’re on speed trap duty! Now, you better come back here with a handfull of citations, or it’s commin’ directly outta your paycheck! You got that?!
CLETUS: (frustrated) Yessir, Cousin Boss. (hangs up cb mic) And I never played with my model glue. It was an accident. How the heck was I supposed to know it was toxic?
(Switch to a shot of the Duke farm. Inside, Luke is on the phone with Enos. Bo, Uncle Jesse, and Daisy are standing around him)
BALLADEER: By now, the boys had gotten back to the farm. And, not too soon, cause Enos was callin’ Luke back with what he’d found out about Ralph and Bill.
LUKE: (into phone) Alright, Enos. Much obliged, buddy. Yeah, I’ll say hey to Daisy and everyone for ya! You got it. Take it easy. Bye.
UNCLE JESSE: What did Enos find out, Luke?
LUKE: Not too much, but enough. Turns out he’s made some friends in the L.A. FBI and they were able to help him out. Looks like my suspiscions were right. Bill checks out, but Ralph ain’t no fed. He’s just listed under Bill’s file as a “known associate”.
UNCLE JESSE: But why would an FBI agent bring a civilian all the way down here from L.A. on government business? Can’t he get in a lot of trouble for that?
LUKE: He sure can. But it’s obviously a risk Maxwell’s willin’ to take. The only thing left to do is find out why.
BO: Where do ya reckon we aughtta start?
LUKE: We’ll start with Cooter. Maybe he’s been keepin’ an eye on ’em.
(Luke walks to the cb and picks up the mic)
LUKE: This here’s the Lost Sheep callin’ Crazy Cooter. You got yer ears on?
(switch to Cooter’s garage. Cooter is leaning on his truck door with his cb mic in his hand)
COOTER: Breaker 1! Breaker 1! Might be crazy but I ain’t dumb! Craaaaaaazy Cooter commin’ atcha! What’s on yer mind, Lukas Dukas?
LUKE: Cooter, you didn’t happen to notice if Ralph and Maxwell took off anyplace, did ya?
COOTER: Matter of fact, I did. I don’t know where that Ralph fella went, but the fed was sittin’ in his car talkin’ into some little hand-held microphone thing, then he high-tailed it outta here.
LUKE: Which way did he head?
COOTER: To tell ya the truth, it looked at lot like he was headed towards y’all’s place.
BO: What in the heck would the feds want with us??
LUKE: I don’t know, but it bears lookin’ into. (into cb mic) Alright, Cooter. Much obliged. We’ll keep ya posted.
COOTER: You got it. I’m down and gone.
LUKE: Come on, Bo. I wanna cut ’em off at the pass and find out exactly what it is they’re up to. (to Uncle Jesse and Daisy) We’ll see y’all later.
UNCLE JESSE: You two be careful, now.
(switch to an abandoned barn, about a mile east of the Duke farm)
BALLADEER: Now, the reason Maxwell looked like he was headed toward the Dukes was that Ralph was leadin’ him to an aboandoned barn not too far from the farm. That’s where Barnes had his delivery truck hid. Ralph did his disappearin’ trick again to spy on Barnes and his henchmen.
BARNES: Alright, is the truck ready for tomorrow?
TRUCKER: Yes, sir. The guns are already hidden under the floor. Now we’re just waitin’ on that shine for the decoy.
BARNES: And that should be here at noon tomorrow. Now remember, as soon as you get this truck loaded up with that moonshine, you head for Mexico and don’t stop for anyone or anything! You got that?
TRUCKER: Yes, sir.
(one of the barn doors is ajar, so Ralph slips out unnoticed. He becomes visible outside and talks to Bill over the microphone)
RALPH: Bill, are you almost here?
(switch to Bill in his car)
BILL: Yeah, kid, I’m on my way. I think I’m only about a mile off.
(Ralph looses concentration as he holographs in on the General Lee. He sees an aerial view of it heading towards a creek with no bridge.)
RALPH: They’re not stopping. They’re not even slowing down! They must not know the bridge is out! Bill, I’ll have to meet you back here. I gotta go stop the Dukes before they crash!!
BILL: Who’s gonna crash?? What’s goin’ on? Ralph, come in! Jeez, I hate it when he does this.
(switch to Bo and Luke in the General Lee)
BO: Aw, dangit! The creek bridge is still out! I forgot about that.
LUKE: Don’t worry about it. We got a good speed goin’. The General will make it without breakin’ a sweat.
(switch to Ralph crash landing on the other side of the creek. He watches Bo and Luke get closer.)
RALPH: How do they not see that? Why aren’t they stopping?? Boys, there’s no bridge!! (frustrated) What am I doing? They can’t hear me.
(switch back to Bo and Luke)
BO: Hang on, Luke.
(The General Lee jumps the creek. At the same time, Ralph flies toward the General, but is too late. Bo and Luke look in amazement)
LUKE: What the heck is THAT?!
BO: I don’t know, but I can’t swerve to avoid it right now!
(Ralph covers his face with his arms and screams. Switch to a side view of Ralph about to collide with the General Lee in mid-air. Scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, so far we’ve seen them long johns disappear and read people’s minds. Y’all figure they can take a head-on collision with a car, too?
End Act 2