by: Keith
Act Two
LUKE: Rosco, you wanna point that pee shooter someplace else?!
(Luke knocks the gun out of Rosco’s hand, and the group makes a run for it, except David.)
DAVID: What’s going on? What are you boys doing?
LUKE: You wanna go to jail?
(David shakes his head)
LUKE: Then get in!
(David jumps in the window of the General Lee, followed by Luke. They all take off in their cars.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, y’all might get the idea that this is David’s first time runnin’ from the law. But it ain’t.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you numbskull, you let ’em get away again!!
ROSCO: I’m sorry, little fat buddy, but Luke Duke, he took me by surprise when he knocked my gun outta my hand.
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you lugnut! Them Dukes have been pullin’ the same tricks to get away from you for years, and you still never se ’em commin’! Now, come on back inside with me so I can see how much all the damage that thing did is gonna cost me.
ROSCO: Boss, you got any idea what the heck that thing was?
BOSS HOGG: Well, of coarse I ain’t! I was lookin’ at it just like you, wasn’t I? I never seen anything like that creature before in my life. And after what he did to my Bore’s Nest, I hope I never do again!
(Fade to Bo, Luke, and David in the General Lee.)
DAVID: We’re in a lot of trouble with the local police now, aren’t we?
BO: Shoot, David, that’s nothin’ new to Luke and me.
DAVID: Well, trouble with the police is one thing I don’t need. I think maybe I should just skip the dinner invitation and leave Hazzard as soon as possible.
LUKE: Lookin’ like that?
DAVID: Yes, I suppose you’re right.
LUKE: Listen, we’ll get you back to the farm, you can borrow one of my shirts, and we’ll get you somehin’ to eat. Then we’ll help you get out of Hazzard. Deal?
DAVID: (reluctantly) Alright.
(Cooter’s voice comes over the c.b.)
COOTER: Breaker one, breaker one! Might be crazy but I ain’t dumb! Craaaaazy Cooter commin’ atcha!
LUKE: (into c.b. mike) We read ya loud and clear, Crazy C.
COOTER: Y’all make it outta there okay, come back?
LUKE: Yeah, everyone made it out in one piece.
COOTER: Hey, listen, y’all got any idea what that thing in the Bore’s Nest was?
LUKE: Ain’t like nothin’ I’ve ever seen before. I aim to get to the bottom of it, though. We’re headed back to the farm right now.
COOTER: That’s a big 10-4! Meantime, I’ll keep my eyes peeled for that thing. Y’all holler if ya need me. I’m gone.
BALLADEER: Now, when the boys, Daisy, and David got back to the farm, they came home to a might curious Uncle Jessie. You see, folks who were at the Bore’s Nest when the Hulk tore the place apart had been callin’ old Jessie to make sure the boys and Daisy were o.k.
UNCLE JESSIE: What in tarnation is all this jibberish I’ve been hearin’ on the phone for the last half hour about some big, green monster tearin’ up the Bore’s Nest and you boys bein’ involved?!
DAISY: It ain’t jibberish, Uncle Jessie! Someone picked a fight with the boys and David, here….
BO: Oh, uh, speakin’ of which, Uncle Jessie, this here’s David Bradford. We picked him up hitchhikin’ into town.
UNCLE JESSIE: Howdy. Good to meet ya. Now, what was you sayin, Daisy?
DAISY: Someone picked a fight with them and Cooter, then he grabbed David and threw him behind the bar, and that’s when that big green thing showed up!
LUKE: Now, David, that thing popped up right about where you got knocked down. You sure you didn’t see nothin’?
DAVID: No, I’m sorry. I hit my head on the bar and got knocked out cold.
LUKE: Alright, listen, why don’t you go grab a clean shirt off the clothesline and go inside and get cleaned up.
DAVID: Alright. Thank you.
(David walks away from the group. Uncle Jessie looks suspiciously at Luke)
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Luke, I know that look. What’s on your mind?
LUKE: Listen, y’all, I think there’s more to David than meets the eye.
BO: What do you mean?
LUKE: Well, first, he said he didn’t see that thing when it showed up right next to him.
DAISY: Luke, you heard what he said. He hit his head on the bar and got knocked out cold.
LUKE: Anyone see a bump on his head? And howcome, all of a sudden he ain’t got no shirt? And his pants look all torn?
UNCLE JESSIE: Come on, spit it out, Luke. Just what are you gettin’ at?
LUKE: We’ve all heard the story of Jeckyl and Hyde, right?
BO: Yeah…(starts laughing) Oh, come on, Luke, you don’t think that David IS that thing, do you?
DAISY: Luke, that Jeckyl and Hyde story is just a fairy tale, sugar.
UNCLE JESSIE: Luke, now I don’t mean to doubt ya, but don’t you think that’s just a little far-fetched?
LUKE: So, the idea of a big green monster poppin’ up out of nowhere in the Bore’s Nest ain’t?
BO: I guess you got a point there.
LUKE: You heard what he said in the General, Bo. About havin’ to avoid the law.
BO: Yeah, but he’s probably wanted for somethin’, and judgin’ by the way he’s been to us today, it’s probably somethin’ he didn’t even do. Now, you and me, we aughtta identify with that.
LUKE: Maybe HE didn’t do nothin’…but I’m bettin’ that creature DID.
UNCLE JESSIE: Like what?
LUKE: I don’t know, but it’s gotta be somethin’ serious for him to be avoidin’ the law like that.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, when he gets back out here, we’ll have to get some answers, that’s all.
(David exits house.)
UNCLE JESSIE: Here he comes now.
DAVID: Well, Luke, it seems you and I are practically the same size. The shirt fits perfectly. Thank you.
LUKE: Don’t mention it. Listen, David, there had to be some way you saw that thing! Even before you got knocked out cold. I mean he didn’t just appear outta thin air.
DAVID: Luke, I’m sorry, but like I told you, I didn’t see anything.
UNCLE JESSIE: Now, Mr. Bradford, I ain’t about to call nobody a liar without no proof. My boys could get in a lot of trouble and maybe even go to jail for bein’ involved in what happened at that bar today. Now, you tell us that you don’t know nothin’, but we got ourselves a lot of evidence that says different. Like the fact that your clothes were fine before you got thrown behind that bar…
LUKE: And when that creature first stood up, he had a shreaded version of your shirt on before he threw it on the floor. And the fact that you’re runnin’ from the law…
DAVID: Banner.
BO: Banner?
DAVID: My name…is David Banner.
UNCLE JESSIE: Why’d you go and give my boys a phony name?
DAVID: Because I’m supposed to be dead. If you’ll all sit down for a minute, I’ll explain everything.
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, let’s have at it.
BALLADEER: Now, while David was givin’ the Dukes the lowdown on where he really came from, Cooter, without knowin’ it, was gettin’ David into more trouble than a fox with a pack of wild dogs nearbye.
COOTER: Yeah, National Register? Y’all got a guy by the name of Jack McGee workin’ there?
BALLADEER: Now that McGee had heard about the Hulk sighting in Hazzard, he was on the first plane there. And by the time all this happened, David had Just about finished tellin’ everything to the Dukes.
LUKE: So, you ain’t never been able to find a cure for that thing?
DAVID: No. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and even a few longshots.
BO: And you say this McGee character ain’t gonna stop lookin’ til he finds you OR the Hulk.
DAVID: Well, almost. He doesn’t know that I’m the creature. He just knows that a man meeting my description changes into it.
DAISY: Well, won’t he eventually put two and two together?
LUKE: Would you go lookin’ for a guy you thought was dead?
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, I’ll be. You gotta pretend to be someone you ain’t…and you can’t go home to see your family. Must get a might painful around the holidays.
DAVID: Yes, it does.
(Cooter’s voice comes over the cb. Luke answers.)
LUKE: We read ya loud and clear, Crazy C! What’s up?
COOTER: Y’all ain’t gonna believe this, but I found a newspaper called the National Register…
DAVID: Oh, no…
COOTER: They got a reporter named McGee workin’ there and he’s got a reward out for ten grand on that thing that tore up the Bore’s Nest. He said he’s gettin’ on the next flight to Hazzard to come find it! But, don’t worry, I’m gonna share the reward money with y’all when he catches that thing.
LUKE: Cooter, is there any way you can call back that newspaper and tell ’em false alarm?
COOTER: The General’s fumes goin’ to your head, Luke? Why would I wanna do a thing like that?
LUKE: Come by the farm, you’ll find out right quick.
COOTER: Alright, y’all. I’m on my way! I’m gone.
DAVID: Well, that settles that. I’ll have to leave Hazzard as soon as possible.
BO: Shoot, David, you ain’t gotta leave.
DAVID: Bo, you don’t understand. Now that McGee has heard that the creature has been spotted here in Hazzard, he won’t stop until he finds it, or at least how much truth there is to it.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, there’s your solution right there. When this McGee character gets here, Cooter’ll just tell him he was wrong. He’ll tell him he saw a bear or somethin’ that he thought was was that thing.
DAISY: That’s a great idea, Uncle Jessie! That way you won’t have to leave Hazzard, David. You can finally settle down.
LUKE: As good as that plan sounds, it ain’t gonna work.
BO: Why not?
LUKE: Sure, the bear story covers the size of that thing, but any of you ever seen a green bear before?
BO: Dang it! I never even thought of that!
DAVID: Standing around here isn’t getting anything accomplished. I’ll get my things together and be on my way.
UNCLE JESSIE: Mr. Banner, for someone who’s got so much at stake, you sure give up a might easy. Don’t you want to find a place to settle down? Find yourself a cure so you don’t turn into that thing no more?
DAVID: Mr. Duke, believe me, there’s nothing I’d like better, but until that happens, I simply can’t let McGee see me.
UNCLE JESSIE: You let us worry about that. You just get inside and sit down and have some dinner with us.We’ll come up with a better idea for that McGee character on a full stomach.
DAVID: (smiles) Alright.
BALLADEER: Later that night, Jack McGee finally arrived in Hazzard. And since Cooter’s garage was already closed, he figured he’d check out the spot where Cooter said he had seen the Hulk. Which led him straight to the Bore’s Nest, and Boss Hogg.
BOSS HOGG: (frustrated) Rosco, it’s gonna take me at least a month to get this place back into shape after what that thing did to it!
ROSCO: I know, Boss. That thing made a horrendous mess.
(McGee approaches Boss and Rosco)
MCGEE: Excuse me, gentlemen, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Could you describe the creature that did this?
BOSS HOGG: Well, maybe I can and maybe I can’t. Depends who’s askin’!
MCGEE: My name is Jack McGee. I’m a reporter for the National Register.
BOSS HOGG: National Register? Never heard of it.
ROSCO: Me niether.
MCGEE: In a town this size, I’m not surprised. Now, could either of you gentlemen describe the creature to me?
ROSCO: Oh yeah! It was big (flails his arms to show the Hulk’s size), green, and he didn’t say nothin’. He just kinda growled, like (makes growling noise).
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, will you zip your lip?! Mr. McGee, what’s it matter to you what that thing looks like, anyway?
MCGEE: Well, I’ve been trying to capture it for quite some time, now. There’s a warrant for murder out on it.
BOSS HOGG: Well, is there any kind of conpensation for findin’ it?
MCGEE: As a matter of fact, my paper is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone with any information leading to the capture of the creature.
BOSS HOGG: Well, Mr McGee, I’m the county commissioner ’round these here parts…
ROSCO: And I’m the sheriff!
MCGEE: (To Rosco) Yeah, I figured that out, thanks.
BOSS HOGG: Like I was sayin’, Mr. McGee, I’m boss around here, so if anyone sees anything, they’d be sure and report it to me…
MCGEE: Well, then, you must have been in contact with a Cooter Davenport by now, right?
BOSS HOGG: Cooter Davenport, huh? Well, as a matter of fact, he was in contact with me today and he told me all about it…
ROSCO: He did? I don’t remember Cooter talkin’ to you at all…
BOSS HOGG: (stalling) Well, that’s because you were filing all the police reports about the creature…
MCGEE: The Hulk.
BOSS HOGG: Beg your pardon?
MCGEE: The creature. It’s called the Hulk.
BOSS HOGG: Well, Mr. McGee, the reason my sheriff didn’t hear me talkin’ to Cooter earlier is that he was too busy filin’ all the paperwork on the Hulk.
MCGEE: I see. Well, is there any way I could talk to Mr. Davenport, myself?
BOSS HOGG: I’m afraid he’s gone home for the evenin’. But you can talk to him and look at all the county records on the Hulk tomorrow mornin’. In the meantime, why don’t you go get yourself settled in at the Hazzard Hotel.
MCGEE: Alright, I’ll do that. And I’ll be by the county building tomorrow morning to view those records, and then I’ll pay Mr. Davenport a visit.
BOSS HOGG: That sounds like a good idea. Good night, now.
MCGEE: Good night.
(McGee leaves Boar’s Nest)
ROSCO: Boss, if Cooter called you earlier today and told you about callin’ that reporter, howcome you didn’t recognize his name when he introduced himself?
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, I hope you never go bald.
ROSCO: Oh, I appreciate that! Why…?
BOSS HOGG: ‘Cause if you did, all them termites in your brain would freeze to death! I never talked to Cooter today, you knucklehead! I just said that to get that reporter out of here. You know what happened, don’t you?
ROSCO: Of coarse I…..no, what?
BOSS HOGG: Cooter called in that reporter so he could collect the reward! And you know he’s gonna get help from them no-good Dukes! So, ya know what we gotta do?
(Rosco shakes his head)
BOSS HOGG: We gotta make us our own Hulk and beat them Dukes and Cooter to the punch!
ROSCO: Oooooooohhh! I love it, I love it!
BALLADEER: Now, while all this was goin’ on, Cooter had arrived at the Dukes, and they were explaining to him what he’d done to David by callin’ in that reporter fella.
( The Dukes, David, and Cooter are gathered in the Dukes’ kitchen. David and Daisy are seated at the table.)
COOTER: (grinning) Now, wait a second. Y’all are tryin’ to tell me that David, here, is runnin’ from the law, because that thing from the Bore’s Nest supposedly did him in.
BO: Right.
COOTER: Only, that ain’t possible because (looks at David) Y’all ARE that thing?
DAVID: That’s right.
LUKE: Cooter, we know how far fetched it sounds, but we swear it’s the truth. I mean, if you think about everything we’ve already told you, it all fits together.
(Cooter’s expression turns very serious)
COOTER: Which means I just brought a whole mess of trouble down on y’all.
UNCLE JESSIE: Don’t worry about it, Cooter. You had no way of knowin’. We’ll just have to find a way to throw that reporter off the trail so David can settle down here in Hazzard, that’s all.
BO: Uncle Jessie’s right. Heck we’ve gotten ourselves out of worse situations than this!
LUKE: (looks at Bo skeptically) We have?
DAVID: (Starts standing) Look, I’ve caused enough trouble for you folks already. I’m just going to leave Hazzard before McGee has a chance to find me.
UNCLE JESSIE: Now, David, you just sit right back down! You’re not goin’ anywhere! Dukes don’t give up no matter how tough things seem to be! We’re gonna find a way to decoy McGee and get him outta Hazzard once and for all! Then, you’ll be able to settle down here and make some real friends.
LUKE: I think you just hit the nail on the head, Uncle Jessie.
UNCLE JESSIE: What do you mean.
LUKE: We’ll decoy him. We’ll make up our own Hulk.
BALLADEER: Uh huh. I was afraid of somethin’ like this. Luke’s got the same idea as Boss Hogg. Kind of a scary thought, ain’t it?
BO: Luke, how are we gonna get someone who’s the same size as the Hulk? We can’t tell anyone else the truth about it!
DAISY: Bo’s right, Luke. Think what might happen to David if anyone else found out.
LUKE: Now, hold on a second. I agree with both of you. Which is why one of us is gonna have to be the decoy.
(Everyone looks at Cooter.)
COOTER: Oh, now, hold on a second, y’all. Everyone in Hazzard knows what I look like. They’d recognize me on the spot.
LUKE: Not if we made you up to look like the Hulk. Y’all heard what Uncle Jessie said. Everyone who called here said they saw a big green monster. No one could give any details or real good description.
BO: Which means no one got a real good look at him.
LUKE: Or, more likely, the were just too dang scared to remember what he looks like. Cooter, he ain’t got more than a few inches on you. I don’t think anyone would notice.
BO: Luke, you seem to be forgettin’ somethin’. Cooter ain’t as ugly as that thing….
UNCLE JESSIE: Bo!
BO: No offense, David.
DAVID: That’s alright.
BO: And he sure as heck ain’t green.
LUKE: Right on both counts. But that ain’t nothin’ the Hazzard costume shop can’t take care of for us. We just get us some face make-up and some green body paint, and presto, Cooter is the Hulk.
DAISY: Ain’t they gonna get suspicious of us buyin’ all that stuff right now?
BO: Daisy’s got a real good point, Luke.
LUKE: I already thought of that. Which is why it won’t be any of us buyin’ any of that stuff.
COOTER: Well, then who’s it gonna be?
LUKE: Someone who’d do just about anything for this family. Or, more accurately, one member of this family.
(Luke looks at Uncle Jessie)
UNCLE JESSIE: Luke, I know exactly what you’re thinkin’ and it ain’t right nor safe bringin’ Emma in on this thing.
LUKE: Why not, Uncle Jessie? We all know Miss Tisdale would do anything for you. Probably with no questions asked. She’s the only shot we got.
UNCLE JESSIE: (reluctantly) Alright. I’ll give her a call first thing in the mornin’. Right now, we all need to get some sleep. David, you can stay in the guest bedroom. Cooter, it’s gettin’ pretty late. Why don’t you sleep on the couch.
COOTER: Yes, sir.
BALLADEER: Well, bright and early the next mornin’, Boss had Cletus report extra early for work…for Hulk duty.
(The scene is Boss Hogg’s county court house office. Boss Hogg is seated at his desk, Rosco stands next to him, and Cletus stands on the other side of the desk.)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, you can’t be serious!
BOSS HOGG: On the contrary, Cletus! I couldn’t be more serious!
CLETUS: But, Cousin Boss, everyone in Hazzard knows who I am. They’ll recognize me!
ROSCO: Boss, he does have a point there.
BOSS HOGG: (to Rosco) Will you just hush up, please?! I know all of Hazzard county knows who you are. That’s why I had this special make-up and body paint delivered from the Hazzard costume shop.
(Boss places a paper bag on the table.)
ROSCO: Boss, wasn’t Henry over at the costume shop a little curious about why you wanted that stuff right now?
BOSS HOGG: Well, maybe he was, and maybe he wasn’t. But, if he wants to keep his job, he wasn’t! Now, Cletus, you just go into the men’s room and start puttin’ that there make-up and paint on.
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, do I have to?
BOSS HOGG: Well, you want to get your raise, don’t you?
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw! I’m gettin’ a raise out of this?!
BOSS HOGG: No. But if you don’t do it, you ain’t gonna have a job to ever get a raise FROM!!
(Cletus sighs in frustration.)
BALLADEER: And, back at the Duke farm, Uncle Jessie was on the phone to Miss Tisdale.
UNCLE JESSIE: Emma? This is Jessie Duke. How’re you doin’?
MISS TISDALE: Oh, just fine, Jessie. What can I do for such a fine, handsome man today?
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, I’ve got kind of a big favor to ask…
(switch to Miss Tizdale at the other end)
MISS TISDALE: Well, I’d be happy to do that for you, Jessie! By the way, I heard what happened at the Bore’s Nest yesterday. Are your boys alright?
UNCLE JESSIE: They’re just fine, Emma. Listen, could you pick those things up as soon as possible?
MISS TISDALE: Sure thing, Jessie. You can pick them up here at the post office in about an hour.
UNCLE JESSIE: Actually, Emma, I was wonderin’ if you wouldn’t mind droppin’ them off here at the farm?
MISS TISDALE: (face lights up) You want me to come out to your farm, Jessie. Well, I’d be glad to! And you can make that half an hour!
UNCLE JESSIE: Alright, Emma. We’ll see ya then! Thank you very much! Bye, now. (hangs up phone) Luke, this plan of yours had better work! I hate leadin’ that poor woman on like that!
LUKE: Don’t worry, Uncle Jessie. It’ll work…
( A car pulls up in front of the house)
DAISY: Hey, someone just pulled up outside. I don’t recognise him, though. Must be from outta town.
(David moves to the window)
DAVID: It’s McGee. I have to hide.
LUKE: You go hide in the bedroom, David. We’ll get rid of him.
(David goes to bedroom, the Dukes walk outside to greet McGee)
UNCLE JESSIE: Howdy, stranger! What can we do for ya?
MCGEE: Good morning…Mr. Duke, I presume?
UNCLE JESSIE: That’s right. I’m Jessie Duke.
MCGEE: Well, Mr. Duke, I’m looking for a man named Cooter Davenport. I was told I might find him here.
COOTER: I’m Cooter Davenport. Who might you be, mister?
MCGEE: My name is Jack McGee. I’m from the National Register. We spoke on the phone yesterday.
COOTER: Yeah, I remember, Mr. McGee. Listen, I’m real sorry you had to come all the way out here from the city, but by the time I called back, you were already on a plane headed here. I don’t know quite how to tell y’all this, but I didn’t really see that Hulk thing you’re lookin’ for.
MCGEE: Oh?
LUKE: That’s a fact, Mr. McGee. You see, during that bar fight, my buddy, Cooter, here got knocked silly and started seein’ things that wasn’t there.
MCGEE: And one of those “things” was the Hulk?
COOTER: That’s right. Listen, Mr. McGee, like I said, I’m real sorry for makin y’all come all the way out here, but there ain’t no Hulk here for ya to find.
MCGEE: But, Mr. Davenport, I’ve already spoken to several eye witnesses from yesterday’s incident. Their descriptions match the one you gave to a tee.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, Mr. McGee, I don’t know what them other people saw, but like Cooter says, he got knocked out and started seein’ things. And if that’s what he tells ya, then that’s the truth. Now, if you don’t mind, me and my family have a farm to run.
MCGEE: (reluctantly) Alright. Thank you all for your time.
(McGee gets in car and leaves.)
UNCLE JESSIE: That there was too close for comfort. Let’s get this plan in motion and get that McGee character out of Hazzard as soon as we can. Luke, what do you have in mind once Emma shows up with all that stuff we ordered?
LUKE: Well, the way I figure it, all that really needs to happen is for McGee to see the Hulk get knocked off right in front of him. That way, he’ll quit lookin’ for him and leave Hazzard once and for all.
(David approaches)
DAVID: Luke, I appreciate the effort, but that’s not going to work. McGee has been trying to find the creature for the past three years. He’s seen it up close. He knows what it looks like.
LUKE: That just makes the plan all that much easier. Cooter never has to get anywhere near McGee. We just have to make sure he sees him good enough from a distance to believe he’s the Hulk so that when one of us takes him down, he’s convinced enough to leave.
DAVID: Well, I’ll admit I’m still sceptical. But I sure hope your plan works. I can’t tell you how much I’d love to settle down here in Hazzard.
DAISY: We’re all gonna help see to it that you get to, David.
UNCLE JESSIE: Well, we’re not gonna be able to do any of this on an empty stomach, so let’s all get inside and get some breakfast while we’re waiting for Emma to show up.
BALLADEER: And, back at the courthouse, Cletus was finally all decked out in his “Hulk” costume.
(Cletus enters Boss Hogg’s office looking more like Frankenstein than the Hulk and carrying a newspaper in his hand.)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, do I have to go through with this? I mean, I feel so silly wearing this get-up. No one’s gonna beleive I’m the Hulk. I mean, look at the article in the Hazzard Gazzette. Everyone described that thing as “muscular”. And I do have to admit, “muscular” is one thing I’m not!
BOSS HOGG: “One thing” is right. Now you just listen to me. Rosco is gonna sneak you out the back way. Then, you’re gonna run through Hazzard Square makin’ all kinds of roarin’ and growlin’ sounds like the Hulk made at the Bore’s Nest yesterday. You got that?
CLETUS: But Cousin Boss, I wasn’t at the Bore’s Nest yesterday. I have no idea what that thing sounds like!
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven’s sake, Cletus! How hard can it be?! You just growl and roar like a lion. Even you should be able to handle that! Now, get out to that county square and be the Hulk!
ROSCO: (Waving Cletus on) Come on, you dipstick, let’s get at it.
(Rosco and Cletus exit)
BOSS HOGG: (Chuckling to himself) Ten thousand semolians, here I come!
BALLADEER: A few minutes later, Miss Tizdale was arrivin’ at the farm with some surprisin’ news for the Dukes.
(Miss Tizdale places brown bag on kitchen table.)
MISS TIZDALE: That’s right, Jessie. J.D. Hogg made an order like yours not ten minutes before you called me.
UNCLE JESSIE: Emma, I know that must seem pretty peculiar to ya, but…
MISS TIZDALE: Why should it, Jessie? I know that a fine man like you could never have the same ideas in his head as J.D. Hogg.
BO: Well, shoot, Miss Tizdale. Didn’t you hear about that big green thing tearin’ up…
LUKE: Bo!
MISS TIZDALE: Oh, come now, boys. You don’t really believe any of that claptrap, do you?
LUKE: Of course we don’t, do we, Bo.
BO: (grinning sheepishly) Ah, no. No, ma’am, we don’t.
MISS TIZDALE: Well, good for you, boys. I’m glad to see your Uncle Jessie raised you to have more sense than that. Well, I gotta be goin’, now. But listen, Jessie, you need anything else from town, you give a holler, y’hear?
UNCLE JESSIE: I’ll do that, Emma. Bye, now.
(Miss Tizdale exits.)
UNCLE JESSIE: Bo, what in tarnation was goin’ through yer head, spillin’ the beans that way? If the wrong person finds out why we have all this stuff, the law will be down on David like a hound on a T- bone.
BO: I’m sorry, Uncle Jessie. I didn’t mean to slip like that.
UNCLE JESSIE: You just watch what you say from now on, y’hear?
BO: Yes, sir.
LUKE: Look, we got more important things to worry about right now. Like why Boss went and made the same order we did. We all know that can’t be coincidence.
DAISY: Yeah, but who does Boss Hogg know that would fit the description of the Hulk?
LUKE: Nobody. But that’s never stopped him before. Why should this time be any different? Alright, we gotta set this plan in motion. Daisy, go tell David it’s safe to come out now. He’s got a bigger stake in this than any of us.
(David enters)
DAVID: No need, Daisy. I had the bedroom door open. I heard everything. Look, folks, I appreciate every thing you’ve all done for me and everything you’re obviously all willing to do for me, but now that this “Boss Hogg” appears to have the same idea as us, I think for us to try to continue with this plan will just turn Hazzard into one big circus. Now, I know all your intentions are good, but no good can come of this. I’m just going to leave Hazzard before…
COOTER: Now, wait just a second, there, David. I got you into this mess and I intend to get you out. Now, even if Boss Hogg does have the same plan as Luke, we can always come up with another one. It ain’t like it’d be the first time. And, as for turning Hazzard County into a circus…well, I think the folks in this town would get more suspicious if things stayed quiet for a day, y’know what I mean?
LUKE: Cooter’s right, David. Now, I think it’s pretty obvious, with what Miss Tizdale just told us, that we can’t set my plan in motion until we find out what Boss is really up to. So, me and Bo will take a ride into town and see what we can find out. Meantime, Cooter, you start puttin’ that stuff on so, in case we CAN still use my plan, we can pick you up directly once we find out what’s goin’ on.
DAVID: Aright, Luke, but listen, I’m going with you two…
LUKE: (shakes head) No dice…
UNCLE JESSIE: David, have you gone plum loco?! After what happened at the Bore’s Nest yesterday, the townspeople would spot you in a second! And with that McGee character snoopin’ around everyplace, you can’t afford to have that happen!
DAVID: Alright, I’ll stay behind. But, listen, boys. Please be careful.
LUKE: Don’t worry about us, David. Let’s go, Bo.
(Bo + Luke exit. Fade to them driving the General Lee into town.)
BO: Luke, do you really think this plan of yours is gonna work?
LUKE: Hard to tell right now. I can’t be sure until I see what Boss is up to.
BO: Yeah, I know it. Hey, who do you think he’s gettin’ to be his Hulk?
LUKE: I ain’t a mind reader, Bo. I gotta wait and find out, same as you. Why don’t you take a few shortcuts. The quicker we get into town, the better.
BO: You got it, cousin. Hang on!
BALLADEER: While Bo was takin’ every shortcut he could think of to get into town as quick as he could, Cletus was standin’ in an alley the town square with a baaad case of stage fright.
CLETUS: Rosco, I changed my mind. I don’t care what Cousin Boss says, I ain’t goin’ out there and makin’ a fool of myself in front of everyone in Hazzard! He can fire me if he wants to, but I ain’t doin’ it!
ROSCO: Cletus, I don’t know what you’re so worried about. You make a fool of yourself every day! The only difference here is that no one will be able to recognize ya’!
CLETUS: That’s not funny, Rosco.
ROSCO: You just hush and get out there and do like Boss told ya!
CLETUS: (sighs)…The things I go through to keep this job.
(Bo + Luke pull into the square in the General Lee)
LUKE: Alright, cousin, keep yer eyes peeled for anything peculiar.
BO: (chuckling) You mean like that?
(Bo points to Cletus, who is pretending to be the Hulk)
LUKE: Is that Cletus?!
(Bo + Luke laugh hysterically)
LUKE: I can’t believe Boss actually got him to do that!
BO: Well, I guess we don’t gotta worry about yer plan not workin’ now, huh?
(Boss Hogg rushes out of the county courthouse)
BOSS HOGG: Run, everybody! Run for your lives!! It’s the Hulk! He’s back to wreak more havock on Hazzard!!
(Boss Hogg spots McGee leaving the Hazzard Hotel and runs toward him.)
BOSS HOGG: Mr. McGee! There he is! It’s the Hulk!! Grab him while you got the chance!!
CLETUS: (shocked) WHAT?!
MCGEE: Mr. Hogg, you don’t really expect me to believe that’s the Hulk, do you?
BOSS HOGG: Well, of coarse that’s the Hulk! I mean, who else could possible look that big and ugly?!
MCGEE: Well apparently your deputy, for one.
BOSS HOGG: Why, Mr McGee, whatever do you mean?
MCGEE: Look, Mr Hogg, I’ve been chasing the Hulk for over three years now. I know what he looks like. That isn’t him. And I happen to recognize your deputy because he’s the one who told me where I could find Mr. Davenport this morning. And frankly, Mr. Hogg, a lot of people have tried to scam me and my newspaper over the past three years to try to collect the $10,000 reward and I must say (points to Cletus) this has to be the lamest attempt I have ever seen! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an investigation to conduct.
BOSS HOGG: (angry and frustrated) DANG! DANG! AND DOUBLE DANG!!!
(Bo + Luke are still laughing)
BO: Well, I guess we can head back to the farm and let everyone know there’s no need to worry.
LUKE: Why don’t we need to worry?
BO: You saw what just happened, same as me. McGee didn’t believe Boss for a second.
LUKE: Yeah, but I also heard what McGee said. David was right. When we make this happen, we gotta keep Cooter as far away from McGee as possible.
(Rosco sneaks up behind the General Lee)
ROSCO: Allllright, you Duke boys! I finally gotcha! Get out of that vehicle! Oooh, I love it, I love it!
BO: Before we get out, Rosco, would you mind tellin’ us why?
ROSCO: Don’t you play dumb with me, Bo Duke. You know I still gotcha on them fightin’ charges from yesterday. And as soon as I find Cooter and that stranger you were with, I’m gonna arrest them, too! Now, you just climb on out of that vehicle!
BO: Alright, Rosco, you got us. We’ll get out…just as soon as you can catch us!
(Bo and Luke peel off in the General Lee)
ROSCO: You’re not gettin’ away from me that easy!
(Rosco runs to his patrol car)
ROSCO: Cletus, get in your patrol car and help me chase them Duke boys!
CLETUS: Dressed like this?!
ROSCO: Cletus, I’m gonna knock you into the middle of next week! Now you just get in your patrol car and follow me! That’s an order!
(Fade to Bo and Luke in the General driving through the backroads of Hazzard)
LUKE: Looks like we got a pretty good head start on ’em. Shouldn’t be too hard to lose ’em.
(A delivery truck pulls out in front of the General Lee from a side road)
LUKE: Bo, look out!!
(scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, ain’t that just typical Duke timing?
(end act 2)